EDSBS » 2007 » December

December 27, 2007

BOWLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL: THE HOLIDAY BOWL

It’s the Holiday Bowl, and with Texas and Arizona State facing off, it’s the first quality matchup between two quality teams, it’s the first real bowl, it’s like…like…candy!

The ultra-brief pregame:

Texas is a slight favorite, probably because they are Texas, and thus higher on the collective public esteem totem pole most people seem to use when sizing up bowl matchups. This has persisted despite Texas’ appalling lack of a defense, which may or may not make a difference given Arizona’s inability to protect Rudy Carpenter. Carpenter has taken 51 sacks on the year. Carpenter has taken 51 sacks on the year. It’s worth saying twice–that’s how brutal it’s been for him. Even a modest push by the Texas defense (60th overall in sacks) could have Carpenter counting floodlights.

Arizona State’s defense may be the pivot this game hinges on: while Texas linebackers have redefined arm-tackling this year, ASU’s linebackers are all sure-handed progress-stoppers. Make Texas throw, and you put Colt McCoy under pressure, and you make Colt McCoy work against a 21-18 td ratio, and that could mean six running the other way while you wonder what the hell happened to the guy last year who looked like Alex Smith in Longhorn Orange.

Yet: Anyone who watched Arizona State this year had to be shocked at ASU’s resemblance to late-model Tennessee Volunteer teams: a sure-armed qb who got hammered throwing the ball to possession receivers without a serious deep threat or scheme-buster to bail him out, especially in dire situations where the decent running game got substandard under defensive pressure. On offense, they’re shockingly similar, both in how they succeed and in how they fail.

Equalling: a likely Texas win, even with the errors and stuttering of Texas’ defense and qb play.

Announcing: Herbstreit and Musburger. Brent will refer to Dennis Erickson as “an old buccaneer,” and you are heartily encouraged to imagine the two, sunburned and swilling Wild Irish Rose while floating in a life raft somewhere off the coast of Chile singing old sea shanties and waiting for rescue.

Filed under: Big 12 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Pacific 10 Conference by Orson Swindle

[ 38 Replies ]

ANTHONY MORELLI WILL GO TALK TO THE WHALES NOW

Penn State senior qb Anthony Morelli has not spoken with the media in 46 days, presumably because the lights distract him and he just starts throwing objects from his locker randomly at reporters in response. (As none of them have hit there intended targets, you’ve heard nothing of the incidents to this point.) The much-maligned Penn State senior has dodged the media in favor of discussing his problems with those who would understand best: marine mammals in big jars.

Coach Joe Paterno is not scheduled to meet with reporters again until tomorrow. Offensive coordinator Galen Hall was left to answer why the starting quarterback, on the eve of his final collegiate game, was not made available to the press.

“I don’t have any clue,” Hall said.

Team spokesman Jeff Nelson said Morelli had told him he planned to attend earlier yesterday, then backed out without reason. Instead, Morelli visited Sea World with other teammates.

“He wanted to feed the fish,” guard Rich Ohrnberger quipped.

Ohrnberger is presumably not a bio major, so we’ll forgive the slight against the largely mammalian cast of Sea World. We think the story’s a dodge, since if Morelli were intent on feeding the fish at Sea World, he’d have to be able to throw fish in a barrel. Hey! Inaccuracy jokes! Seriously, it must suck degrees of suck only measurable on the Matchbox 20 album scale to be Anthony Morelli, especially when reporters are pulling out the “one last chance to impress NFL scouts” line on you. Nevertheless. his elusiveness off-the-field is shocking, especially given the 20 sacks he’s taken this year on the field.

Filed under: Big 10 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football by Orson Swindle

[ 19 Replies ]

THE 4 MILLION DOLLAR CUPID SHUFFLE

Yes. That’s him. DARPA and Al Gore want your thanks for inventing this awesomeness.

We mean this: the man can dance. (HT: Spooky Juice.)

Filed under: Alabama man! he can drink he can bowl he can drink some by Orson Swindle

[ 42 Replies ]

DON’T LEAVE ME, DENNIS…

LSUFreek again stretches your cultural envelope with a sly reference to the 1964 film The Carpetbaggers and attaches it to Dennis Erickson, who knows a bit about carpetbagging in coaching stints at Idaho, Wyoming, Washington State, Miami, San Francisco, Seattle, Oregon State, Idaho (again), and now Arizona State. We know nothing about the movie besides it having George Peppard in it and that the script was co-written by Harold Robbins, former skin-novelist who once penned the line–we shit you not–”Where’d you get that, a used pussy shop?”

He’s just going to a bowl game, baby! He’ll be back!

Filed under: Big 12 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Pacific 10 Conference, bowld and the beautiful by Orson Swindle

[ 12 Replies ]

RICK NEUHEISEL WANTS TO GIVE YOU FORTY DOLLARS.

Good morning. I’m here to tell you why I should be the next coach at UCLA, but first, I’d like each of you to look under your seats. Everyone looking?

Yep. That’s forty dollars. Forty whole dollars for each of you, amigos. I can’t tell you what to do with it, but I do want you all to know that you should take it as a sign of great seriousness and commitment on my part that I came here with forty dollars for each of you, and taped it to the underside of your chairs pre-meeting, and am now telling you: there’s plenty more where that came from, amigos, if you’re prepared to get serious about this coaching thing.

I am. In fact, I’ll just cut the bullshit and get down to the x’s and o’s of this thing: Rick Neuheisel will personally tape forty dollars to the underside of your chair every day if you’ll hire him as UCLA football coach, Monday through Friday. Think about that for a minute. That’s $10,400 dollars a year, all cash, all on the DL, and all between you and me, friends.

Think: it’s extra money around town, it’s a posh weekend in Vegas, including a hooker! Or something to toss at the old lady when she gets mad at you for blowing all your cash on recruits. That’s cool here, right? Just giving the kids a little something for their effort, right? Cool, I’ll take the silence as an indicator we’re all on the same page.

I could bore you with all the x’s and o’s, but I’d rather you just focus on the fact that Uncle Ricky’s gonna make it rain around here. That’s right, I’m down with it. If Pete Carroll’s out handing his phone number out to teens shooting craps in the alley…well, I’ll be the one running the craps game in the alley, friends.

So consider the resume, friends. Two Jacksons and one proven winner are waiting on you.

Filed under: Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Pacific 10 Conference by Orson Swindle

[ 28 Replies ]

CURIOUS INDEX 12/27/07

Central Michigan lost the loss of pained heroes last night, giving Purdue a minute and change to drive for the winning field goal in a 51-48 victory in the Motor City Bowl.

Even against the addled Purdue defense Dan LeFevour looked impressive: 292 yards and four tds passing, 114 yards and two scores on the ground, and some toughness displayed late when Purdue’s defenders suddenly awoke to find themselves suited up and playing critical snaps late in a game, and hey why not decide to actually hit the quarterback? Curtis Painter suffered no such indignities late, and was eating cucumber sandwiches in the backfield as he tallied 546 yards and three scores, including a composed final drive for the winning field goal.

Man, that’s a great sandwich. Hey, the underneath route’s open…again.

All in all, for a December 26th bowl game it punched well above its weight. And hey! There was footage of Andre Ware handing off to Barry Sanders! Otherwise known as his pro highlight tape!

With an attitude like that…Notre Dame President Emeritus Father Theodore Hesburgh says two win seasons aren’t the end of the world, and makes an important theological distinction.

“But I don’t think football is like eternal salvation.”

Trick question: football IS eternal salvation. Ur the0logy: FAIL.

It would make great tinder for a couch fire. A West Virginia fan is Ebaying his beard grown during his football season, claiming he’s doing what Mountaineers do for each other: sharing beards. Wondering why West Virginia fans would be unable to grow beards (meth lab explosion) on their own faces is an unanswered question, but the entry makes for good readin’:

The beard has served coach Huggins well this season. I will try to get coach Huggins to touch it at the Oklahoma vs. WVU game on 12.29.2007. I will take a picture for proof of the touch, and you will get a copy.

Mmmmm…a beard that smells like scotch. Fifty dollars is just a start on the bidding, if you ask us. (HT: College Game Balls.)

Al Golden has withdrawn his name from the UCLA coaching search, leaving Dewayne Walker and Rick Neuheisel in the running for the job, meaning you’ve got Rick Neuheisel in the job, meaning you’ll have recruiting violations like WHOA, very good offenses, and a coach who kind of looks like Gretchen Mol coaching in LA, an entirely appropriate thing. He and Pete Carroll can have competitive youth-offs where the other demonstrates his youth and vigor by doing something even more adolescent and trendy. If Carroll boogie-boards, Neuheisel will have Hannah Montana tapes blaring at practice; if Carroll responds by having the Wiggles playing while he fires up the team, Neuheisel will be blowing the whistle at particularly large fetuses on ultrasounds at local hospitals.

This will all end in tears, but you knew that already. Unless you’re Bruins Nation, who’s taking what they consider to be the lesser of two “mehs” in hiring the head coach with actual head coaching experience.

It’s like we’re soul sisters or something. Siblings, we mean… Erin Andrews lists Shout Wipes, an iPod, a MacBook, and Bumble and Bumble hair products as things she can’t live without on the road. We, too, love all of these and now rarely leave home without them. Who this should disturb more is unclear, but it’s undeniably disturbing, especially since we just admitted that we love Bumble and Bumble hair products in public.