CURIOUS INDEX: 12/21/07

by Orson on Dec 21, 2007 8:20 AM EST

Navy wins syllable battle, loses game. Despite having a 10-7 halftime lead, a sympathetic Navy town crowd behind them, and a decisive advantage in the number of total syllables in their team name roster (Kaheaku-Enhada Niumatalolo!), Navy fell late to Utah in the Poinsettia Bowl, 35-32. Brian Johnson only began to play well after getting hammered in the third quarter. Johnson went 9-9 for 130 yards in the third, opening up a lead for Utah they clung to until the final bell. This all happened thanks to a fishy non-call by officials, who failed to rule a touchback on a play where Utah's Jerome Brooks lost the ball off the pylon and through the back of the endzone. Officials admitted the error in a statement released after the game, which made everyone completely happy and forget the whole thing over a couple of malts and order of fries down at the corner soda shop.

North Carolina players stumble into the most fucked-up afterschool special EVAR. Three North Carolina players followed two women and a man back from a night out in Chapel Hill only to stumble into a scene from a BET version of Pulp Fiction. The three players ended up being voluntarily tied up only to be robbed by a naked man with a knife and fondled by two women, who initially got permission from the bound players but then continued to fondle the players against their will, which leads us to a sexual assault charge thrown their way, too. The whole thing is nine plaid onions worth of crazy, but two salient details should be mentioned.

Exhibit A:

Lewis is accused of taking the contents of two wallets valued at $100, and trying to take $3,000 worth of computer and entertainment equipment. He is also accused of biting a police officer in the groin and pushing him down stairs to elude arrest, according to arrest warrants.

Exhibit B: The women who did the fondling and who, when asked to stop, began punching one of the players in the head. The one not named "Tnikia."

D'Angelo has fallen so, so very far.

HT: Brahsome.

Norm Chow has withdrawn himself from consideration in the UCLA coaching search, leaving the Bruins with Dewayne Walker and Rick chortle Neuheisel chortle as the top remaining candidates, though everyone from Temple's Al Golden to Oregon's Mike Bellotti remain in contention for the job. (Mike Bellotti's wife in L.A.! Now that's some fun right thurr!)

Deep South Sports has confirmed that this is no photoshop.

Alabama fans will have to drive past it on the way to their bowl game in Shreveport, thus adding insult to injury.

We will fight every single one of you in the Thunderdome to live down the humiliation of what we're about to admit, but a small, tender, and weepy part of us loves this song and always will because it, more than any other song, evokes Christmas for us. For dignity, you could choose Nat King Cole, or Bing Crosby and the Andrews Sisters...but as Florida fans who wear candy orange and sky blue to football games, dignity went out the window a great long time ago, sirs and madams.

Damn you and your magical teleporting box, Paul McCartney.

Notice that the first thing show in the video is some kind of hallucinatory graphic in the sky followed by a sign of people getting riotously drunk. We have several English friends, and based on their self-medicating regimens, this does NOT surprise us as being the first thing shown in an English Christmas video from the seventies.

That said, we'll be waiting in the Thunderdome with some wassail and figgy pudding for that ass. Brang it.

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Comments

Holy shit, you can’t be human.

No human could like that song.

And I’ll bring some Manheim Steamroller into the Thunderdome and, uh, steamroll you with no remorse.

Merry fucking Christmas, motherfuckers!

by Rival on Dec 21, 2007 8:28 AM EST reply actions

The greatest Christmas song of all time is “Christmas Is The Time To Say I Love You” by Billy Squier. PERIOD!!!

by sdf fan on Dec 21, 2007 8:41 AM EST reply actions

Video proof of the foregoing:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=iZMOWZXRoCI

Merry Christmas from Louisville.

by sdf fan on Dec 21, 2007 8:44 AM EST reply actions

ah… funroe. where the effects of all that lead-tainted dirt from dallas are still being felt today.

by kleph on Dec 21, 2007 8:55 AM EST reply actions

Mistress For Christmas, AC/DC. That Thunderdome is their stage.

by Allahver Fist on Dec 21, 2007 8:56 AM EST reply actions

We have the worst Christmas song ever coming up later today. It is peerless, and has no rival.

by Orson Swindle on Dec 21, 2007 9:02 AM EST reply actions

Dewayne Walker and Rick Neuheisel that’s almost as shitty as Terry Bowden and Doc Holliday…actually thats way better. What the fuck are they doing in Morgantown?

by Hamhands on Dec 21, 2007 9:03 AM EST reply actions

Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire,
Jack Frost nipping at your hose,
Tiny twats with their pies all aglow,
Merry Christmas, fuck you.

by Murphy on Dec 21, 2007 9:08 AM EST reply actions

You may have successfully gotten your UGA dig in with that admittedly effective Gwinnett comment the other day, but no one can touch the continuing torture on Bama fans that deepsouthsports perpetuates with such unmitigated glee…

by Bobby Decatur on Dec 21, 2007 9:11 AM EST reply actions

Orson – there’s actually a cover of “Wonderful Christmas Time” by English “sad bastard” Tom McRae.

To give you an idea – picture Damien Rice or Nick Drake doing a version of it.

Somehow – he managed to make the song more depressing.

by Eric on Dec 21, 2007 9:11 AM EST reply actions

Which one is that – Sapp or Wilfork? Butch is researching its eligibility as we speak. You don’t just grow beefy DTs on trees, you know? At least, not in Chapel Hill.

by Acorns on Dec 21, 2007 9:21 AM EST reply actions

No Yuletide celebration is complete without the Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York.”

Happy Christmas, your arse!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/7155581.stm

by DevilGrad on Dec 21, 2007 9:23 AM EST reply actions

Those of you who enjoy musical holiday torture should head over to JasonHare.com, where they are celebrating 25 Days of Mellowmas.

If you like Yacht Rock, and you like Christmas, the last 20 days’ worth of posts at that site are highly recommended.

by panhandler on Dec 21, 2007 9:38 AM EST reply actions

Apparently those UNC players forgot their safe word, which was “bowl-bound”.

It’s understandable, as they are UNC football players.

by Rival on Dec 21, 2007 9:41 AM EST reply actions

I’m still waiting some shockrock/grindcore band to release “I saw mommy fisting Santa Claus” myself.

If only to see O’Reilly get worked up about it.

by Will (the other one) on Dec 21, 2007 9:43 AM EST reply actions

worst. christmas song. EVER!! i prefer “last christmas” by wham!….i kid, i kid.

also, from the nitpicking dept…i’m pretty sure the midshipmen were only up 10-7 at the half. just sayin’.

by gerry dorsey on Dec 21, 2007 9:46 AM EST reply actions

Congrats to ULM for kicking our ass. If this were any other school in the country, I’d think it was funny as hell….but since it’s MY team….aw shit, it’s still damn funny.

My only solace is that, NCAA bowl per-diem rules being what they are, 90% of our players should be carpooling right past that sign…..serves ’em right.

by sandman227 on Dec 21, 2007 9:57 AM EST reply actions

My old favorite:

“No crocodiles
or rhinoceroseses
I only like
hippopotamuseses
And hippopotamuses like me too!”

Blown out of the water by Murphy’s “Tiny Twats.”

by NRBQ on Dec 21, 2007 10:04 AM EST reply actions

The worst Christmas song ever is that damn “Do They Know Its Christmas” from that Live Aid shit back in the 80’s. The only thing worse than the song itself is having to watch the video with it……

by Last Dragon on Dec 21, 2007 10:11 AM EST reply actions

Enjoy the Thunderdome, because if you play that song in our home, you will no longer be welcome in the bedroom.

by The Conscience of a Nation on Dec 21, 2007 10:15 AM EST reply actions

BAM!

by blackertai on Dec 21, 2007 10:23 AM EST reply actions

Last Dragon – worst line from that song is “And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas”.

Thanks for that fascinating tidbit, Jackass…there’s never snow in Africa!!!

by Eric on Dec 21, 2007 10:30 AM EST reply actions

“Homo Christmas” by The Pansy Division has to be on any deviant holiday mix tape.

by Oren Incandenza on Dec 21, 2007 10:30 AM EST reply actions

FEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed thuuuuhhhhhhhh woooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrlllddd

Let them know it’s Christmas time

Feeeeeeeeeeeeeed thuuuuhhhh wooooooooorrrrrrrrrllldddddd

Let them know it’s Christmas time

Have fun with that jingle running through your head the rest of the day. Blame Eric.

by Joshua on Dec 21, 2007 10:35 AM EST reply actions

Since Swindle is posting the worst x-mas song , I feel like we’re in an arms race. Rapid deployment, comrades!

Cyndi Lauper makes baby Jesus cry with the Christmas Conga.

by Allahver Fist on Dec 21, 2007 10:37 AM EST reply actions

- And there won’t be snow in Louisiana this Christmas this year either. But we aren’t bitching about it.

by Last Dragon on Dec 21, 2007 10:42 AM EST reply actions

Eric #22-

How about: “Tonight thank god it’s them, instead of youuuuuuu”

Nice sentiment.

by Mr. Wrong on Dec 21, 2007 10:45 AM EST reply actions

“Do They Know It’s Christmas” is doubly horrible because Band Aid was pretty much the swan song of The Jam, The Police, Ulravox and Heaven 17. It also marked the rise of Phil Collins as a solo artist, Wham! as a group and Bob Geldof as an unctious proselytizing asshat.

by kleph on Dec 21, 2007 10:48 AM EST reply actions

My all-time favorite Christmas song?

Porky Pig’s rendition of “Blue Christmas”

by crimson daddy on Dec 21, 2007 10:55 AM EST reply actions

What I can’t figure out is why so many people in that video have instruments when clearly the only things on that track are a cardboard box and a Prophet-5.

Oh, and for your humor-laden holiday music of the year, click the link to my blog. I posted this year’s album. Nothing explicitly sports-related, but there’s a link to my song last year about Bernie Kosar, Boomer Esiason, and Marv Albert spending Christmas together.

by tim in tampa on Dec 21, 2007 11:26 AM EST reply actions

What a great billboard. Reminds the Mullet Nation of its place in the football pecking order.

And still, they talk shit.

by Gurn on Dec 21, 2007 11:36 AM EST reply actions

FUCK YOU GURN!!!!

GOT 12?!?! Got SABAN?!?! 2KSaban

But in all seriousness, fuck you Gurn.

by Tater Salad on Dec 21, 2007 11:41 AM EST reply actions

Orson, I’ll admit it – that McCartney song totally reminds me of Christmases when I was a kid and I downloaded it the other week.

I’m not ashamed. If you’d lived in the UK in the 70s you’d have looked for a ray of hope too.

Mind you, with a Scottish family the riotous drinking was done at home – cheaper that way.

And nothing changes: I got home from work last night at about 7.30 to find my parents reading to my kids while working their way through the pre-dinner rum-and-cokes – consumed from PINT glasses. The kids had already eaten so they had Kahlua in sippy-cups.

by DC Trojan on Dec 21, 2007 11:57 AM EST reply actions

Mrs. marcillac, a UNC alumn, is bursting with pride at the exploits of her alma mater’s current football heroes.
And Texas fans complain about Mac k Brown. Sheesh. She remembers that era with glee.

Oh, could you sadists please stop posting about Live Aid and the shitty musac contained therein. We can’t deal with the psychological trauma this time of year.

by marcillac on Dec 21, 2007 11:58 AM EST reply actions

Tnika is fat, I mean orca fat. She must have been stressed in the morning.

by Brian O'Blivion on Dec 21, 2007 12:26 PM EST reply actions

Tater Salad:

I think you forgot “Saban 3:16”.

BTW, if y’all lose to Colorado in your friendly home-away-from-home confines in Shreveport, will it be worse than Pearl Harbor and 9/11 combined, TIMES ELEVENTY BILLION?

by Gurn on Dec 21, 2007 1:44 PM EST reply actions

You all may have the worst song, but here’s the ALBUM!!!

by Touchdown74 on Dec 21, 2007 1:59 PM EST reply actions

http://www.wral.com/news/local/video/2202864

Female judge and female news reporter hide smirks at your misfortune.

PS: New Navy coach also wins syllable battle. Best part of the game last night was waiting for Lou Holthhss to say, “Coach Niumatalolo-thhhsss.”

by Kate on Dec 21, 2007 4:11 PM EST reply actions

Is that a chick or an offensive lineman? I think there should be an investigation into this, if she’s convicted then there should be an asterisk on the Fulmer Cup standings.

by RT85 on Dec 21, 2007 5:52 PM EST reply actions