Snacking’s an art, not a science, meaning you can say whatever you want about it and no one’s ever going whip out some prissy little retort like, WAAAAAHHHHH did you have that peer-reviewed, or WAAAAAAAHHHH you should run this through Human Resources first.” Fuck that noise with a barbed wire Jeff Stryker/Bret Michaels/Peter North mold, because in the world of snack, you are the sole judge and jury, limited only by your budget, stomach capacity, and ability to withstand the consumption of mass amounts of processed corn. Allow someone to take your snacking czar scepter, but only from your cold, dead, snack-residue-covered hands, ruler.

Bowl season involves copious amounts of couch time, so you have important decisions to make. We’ll be reviewing snack foods for your perusal because what you need least is snack food after thousands of calories of holiday food, so that’s exactly what you’ll get, of course: more food to eat when you’re not eating. It’s all about paralyzing your body’s ability to process food through overconsumption, but then helping it out by making enough sheer bulk to force gravity to do the work for you. If dinner is the big ball of hair blocking the toilet, a whole bag of Funyuns should be considered the invisible hand of Drano pushing it all forward through your system like the very digits of the free market themselves.

Speaking of, snack food one:

Because they couldn’t call them “Whatthefuckyuns”" Funyuns.

Funyuns

Funyuns are: Corn. Almost completely corn, mixed with a bit of soy, some onion powder, and folic acid. We presume this was all part of some ploy to get Funyuns to be a pregnancy food, a plan so evil even Frito-Lay put it in the “too evil” pile along with the “Funyuns Make Healthy Young ‘Uns” t-shirts and posters. They’re formed into little onion-ring-shaped circles, so you can also throw them like hoops at the table, twirl them onto your finger, or try to toss them onto your erect penis in a festive game of ring toss. Combine the last one with a sexual activity, and you have just re-enacted 23 percent of the Federline-Spears relationship.

Described by their manufacturer as:

Funyuns Onion Flavored Rings are a deliciously different snack that is fun to eat. These playful rings have a crisp texture and are packed full of zesty onion flavor. Next time you’re in the mood for a snack that’s out of the ordinary, try Funyuns Onion Flavored Rings.

And next time you’re in the mood for a vacation that’s out of the ordinary, try Angola!

Organic? No, and most of the time you don’t care. Nothing save the most dire of rusts is actually the color of a Dorito, but you eat them anyway because they are salt, pepper, and fat congealed onto a corn shingle, and that is always so much better than that sentence makes it sound. Funyuns, though, stretch even the credibility of snack foods in delivering something one might reasonably call “food.” They’re hazmat suit yellow, have a disturbingly unctuous feel in the hand, and taste like you’re pouring onion powder and hairspray in a stream down your throat. They are organic in the sense that they contain carbon–we think they contain carbon, at least. Besides that, they’re Petrino. We mean fake.

If you eat a bag of them you will feel… Like you just swallowed a bag of styrofoam peanuts.

In their second life, they will… Turn your shit greenish-yellow like you’ve been living on a diet of Michigan football memorabilia.

Recommended dosage: None. There’s gutter snack food of a respectable nature, and then there’s Funyuns. You’d be better off bellying up to a hog trough and digging in, since for the most part it’s made of the same American Agri-trash pig feed is made from, which means you’ll probably eat a whole bag while watching the Meineke Car Care Bowl, anyway. This would be appropriate since after eating several servings, you too will feel like you need a wholesale fluid change.