GUEST COLUMNIST: TINY "TANK" SHOCKLEY
by Orson on Dec 14, 2007 11:19 AM EST
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PrintTiny "Tank" Shockley coached for 73 years in the Southwest Conference. He is our Friday guest columnist today.
--So what if Jim Tressel wanted to buy an exercising machine for his former player? When Itchy McGillicuddy was attacked by wild dogs in the 1913 Borax Bowl, d'ya think anyone minded when we bought him a bit of rye to take this sting out out of being ripped in half? O, what a character that Itchy was. He hated Italians!
--Why do people make car washes so hard to navigate these days?
--Coaches make too much money these days! We were paid, sure. I worked a whole year in 1935 coaching the Southeast Missouri School of Anti-Devilment and Stenography squad paid only in buttons and Confederate nickels. And that's what I ate, dammit, for the love of the game. For the love! Of the game! When I took a crap, it sounded like someone firing buckshot into a china shop.
--I miss tetanus. Now that was a man's man's disease! Kept the lineman slim, too!
--All this passing bothers me! How do you know where the ball's gonna go? A tornado could pick up the ball, or a dust devil, and then you'll be sorry now, won't ya smart guy?
--That Frances Bavier sure could fill out an apron. What a fine figure of a woman she was!
Roooarrrrrgggh.
--You know what football players don't get enough credit? The drunk ones. It's hard playing football at all, but playing drunk is a special challenge that takes a special athlete. I'm thinking of you, Staggering Bill Canty of the Montana A&M Technical Institute. Oh, that you hadn't walked past a burning wood stove on the way to practice that fateful day in 1928 and burst into flame like a zeppelin! It took them days to put you out, and the fumes were staggering
--I don't care if a player likes to stem the rose with other men. Call me a socialist namby-pamby, but it doesn't matter to me. As long as they're not so loud about it, you know, listening to Noel Coward records and wearing green chrysanthemums in their lapels and such. I've known some fine homosexual football players in my time, but I'll keep their secret safe with me to the grave.
--Unless we're talking about Red Grange. Man, he loved some hard bareback riding on the rump range, if you know what I mean! And I mean sodomy. Hard, fierce sodomy. He put W.H. Auden in the hospital, for God's sake! And they called Doc Blanchard "Mr. inside?" Hundreds of elderly gay men disagree, football writers of America.
--Where are my pants? Where? Nurse! Where did you put them, you dastardly, shifty Filipina!
Tiny "Tank" Shockley may actually be called Tank "Tiny" Shockley. He once punched Bud Wilkinson in the balls for a perceived insult to his pet goat Mathilda, and currently lives in an assisted living facility in Fort Worth, Texas.
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Dastardly shifty Filipina? Since when did my kids’ sitter work in a nursing home in Fort Worth?
by DC Trojan on Dec 14, 2007 11:28 AM EST reply actions
He put W.H. Auden in the hospital, for Gods sake!
Bravo, sir, bravo.
by WDamnE on Dec 14, 2007 11:30 AM EST reply actions
threadjack
ESPN said last night Michigan has contacted Coach Edsall. Is this true or are they just trying to give me a fuckin’ heart attack before the holidays?
/threadjack
by Edsall is God on Dec 14, 2007 11:34 AM EST reply actions
by Lumpkin rhymes with Blumpkin on Dec 14, 2007 11:35 AM EST reply actions
Tetanus also gave the players with their night vision before the days of stadium lights and dip-tets.
by SonofSamford on Dec 14, 2007 11:37 AM EST reply actions
Should have read “helped the players.” Why can’t we edit for christ’s sake?
by SonofSamford on Dec 14, 2007 11:39 AM EST reply actions
What do you bet Tiny is the Orgeron’s REAL father?
by sjs1959 on Dec 14, 2007 11:48 AM EST reply actions
Does Tressel call car dealers wondering where his players can get rides or does Petey call realators wondering where players might get a family pad? (Or is that what interns are for. ) And after that, stuff just happens. Imagine that Just askin’
by MassDad on Dec 14, 2007 11:51 AM EST reply actions
Think you could come up with a little Aunt Bea cheesecake?
It is Friday, you know.
by hunglikehussain on Dec 14, 2007 11:52 AM EST reply actions
Holy F, that was awesome. But you get zero cocktails on account I’M DRINKING THEM ALL MYSELF.
by Mätt on Dec 14, 2007 11:53 AM EST reply actions
Oh yea, I’m in for some Mayberry Bunda!
Slap dat ass Opie! whoo yea!
Editing this, I now realize that using Bombay gin as a substitute for the milk in my Fruit Loops, was a bad idea.
by hunglikehussain on Dec 14, 2007 11:58 AM EST reply actions
- - I could go for some vintage pics of that blonde white trash chick that Earnest T was always chasing around. I could use a little Alabama nostalgia to take me “home for the holidays.”
by TIGERinATL on Dec 14, 2007 12:03 PM EST reply actions
Where are his guns? Anyone with a nickname “Tank” that plays football has to have an affection for all things that uses gunpowder….I think he has a small arsenal in his bedpan…he got put in detention for brandishing a .22 cal in the common area during X-box Saturdays “Square Dance Revolution” tournament, or fights while playing that new fangled game “Swing Band” with 3 other guys fighting over the virtual bossa nova
by Mr Pelican Pants on Dec 14, 2007 12:05 PM EST reply actions
“…stem the rose with other men…”. Orson, I am still trying to tap your muse to obtain the figurative creativity you have displayed recently. Of course, I am realistic enough to not expect it, so I’ll happily continue to read while my staff is periodically startled by my intermittent bouts of laughter.
by sb on Dec 14, 2007 12:08 PM EST reply actions
I will never understand why you weren’t able to shoehorn “Wrong Way” Riegels into that enjoyable little story. Please God let Michigan hire someone other than Tedford!!
by OaklandBear on Dec 14, 2007 12:11 PM EST reply actions
. . . currently lives in an assisted living facility in Fort Worth, Texas.
I think I may have met this guy on a trip to see Mrs. DG’s grandmother.
by DevilGrad on Dec 14, 2007 12:12 PM EST reply actions
Yeah, MassDad…Tressel was accused of purchasing an exercise machine for a former player that was paralyzed from the waist down in a collision in football practice….the bastard has no morals…
by Pants McPants on Dec 14, 2007 12:16 PM EST reply actions
Dear Mr. Myles Brand, there are too many D-1A schools nowadays, please eliminate three. P.S., I am not a crackpot.
by Brian on Dec 14, 2007 12:24 PM EST reply actions
Miles states….“I am not a candidate for the job at Michigan….since I am already the coach in waiting…..once my check clears from LSU for beating tOSU…..I will represent me when me announces me as the new me as teh Michigan coach, which me is not a candidate for…me.”
by Mr Pelican Pants on Dec 14, 2007 12:25 PM EST reply actions
“and excuse me while I represent A DAMN FINE ME”…
Coach Les Miles, University of Me"s new head football coach…..
by Mr Pelican Pants on Dec 14, 2007 12:28 PM EST reply actions
Damn you, Orson.
If I worked for The Man, it would be different.
As a self-employed schlub, I don’t have time for this excellent shit.
by NRBQ on Dec 14, 2007 12:37 PM EST reply actions
T. Herman Zweibel approves of this column.
by PeteJayhawk on Dec 14, 2007 12:39 PM EST reply actions
That car wash video is always freakin’ hilarious.
by BDoc on Dec 14, 2007 12:40 PM EST reply actions
Holstein, i think what you meant to say was:
Posts: 3,883
Rep Points: 13259
Location: South Australia
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by kleph on Dec 14, 2007 12:53 PM EST reply actions
15
Which one? Charlene Darling? His beloved Ramona?
by yoyofutbawl on Dec 14, 2007 12:54 PM EST reply actions
Pardon me, sir, but may I have more cheesecake?
by SunDawg on Dec 14, 2007 12:56 PM EST reply actions
NRBQ-
Time for this shit is one of the reasons I’m self-employed. YMMV.
by Mr. Wrong on Dec 14, 2007 1:05 PM EST reply actions
Fine work, Kleph. How about some ascii cheesecake!
by Out of Conference on Dec 14, 2007 1:31 PM EST reply actions
- 29
This is done without googling, but I think her name was something like Arlene Grabanski.
If correct….brain cells/synapses still in good shape.
If wrong…..just embarrassed myself nationally. Anonymously, of course.
by hunglikehussain on Dec 14, 2007 1:53 PM EST reply actions
@20 – the cruelest part about the purchase – it was a treadmill.
Damn that Sweatervested Demon!!!
by newaztiger on Dec 14, 2007 1:58 PM EST reply actions
David Alan Coe allegedly killed a man for stealing his goat. So, the original Boomer Sooner got off easy.
by Coop on Dec 14, 2007 2:08 PM EST reply actions
Dammit, it was Golonka.
Polish sounding…check
Ended in a vowel…check
First name Arlene…check
[/starts rebooting brain]
by hunglikehussain on Dec 14, 2007 2:30 PM EST reply actions
Now then, we all know that Filipinos and Filipina’s are “wily,” not shifty.
by Marlon Brando's Ghost on Dec 14, 2007 3:48 PM EST reply actions
I know I’m way late on this post, but my Louisianan grandfather would like to have a word with you Orson … FROM THE GRAVE. Sounds similar to his fabulously fucked up stories from his early days as a Delta pilot. True Story: he died in his 2 seater trick plane doing loop-de-loops over the Red River during River Fest in 1995. He flew too low showing off to his old croney friends and died in a fiery crash. “Laissez le bon temps roulez!”
by Sarah on Dec 14, 2007 8:02 PM EST reply actions
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