THE MITCHELL REPORT: AN EARLY PEEK
by Orson on Dec 13, 2007 11:58 AM EST
30 comments
Holy shit, the Mitchell report is coming out today, and the shit in it will blow your mind. KSK's already covered the Scott Mitchell section, but the Blake Mitchell section is loaded with explosive revelations
Blake Mitchell: Congress has questions.
For example:
--Blake Mitchell once sodomized his girlfriend's DVD player for being "surly." Being inaccurate, he missed and ended up with his penis caught in a surround-sound subwoofer. She turned on Braveheart and watched as the thunderous battle scenes' bass tones left him speechless with ecstasy for three hours.
--Was often drunk and disorderly in the manner that South Carolina qbs should be. We're looking at you, Taneyhill.
--Blake Mitchell has a wooden leg and allows a real live woodpecker to live in it. He calls the woodpecker Steve most days, unless it's pissing him off, upon which he calls it "Assbird." This bird is, unbeknonwst to most South Carolina fans, the true offensive coordinator for the team.
--Shock-blond hair used as currency in Belize. When told this, Blake Mitchell answered "There ain't no such place as Belize. NUH-UH!!! NO THERE AIN'T, NERD!"
--Loves Gray's Anatomy. No, really, especially the Asian dude.
--Once vomited up eight whole Chik-Fil-A sandwiches up on a dare while only keeping the pickles in his stomach.
--Uses the dessicated tallywhacker of Strom Thurmond as a bookmark, which is 13% gay.
--Snorted a double-tall Midori sour through a straw once, which is exactly 23% gay.
--Was white. Clear. Scary, evil cracker sheriff in television movie white. So white white supremacists had an inferiority complex around him. White enough to be forbidden from driving past airports for fear of blinding pilots on takeoff; so blanco that when he pulled up to a trough to urinate, other penises got sunburn from the rays shining off it; so white that when he mooned a trainer she ended up selling pencils on the street corner with a service dog in hand. So white that Fruit of the Looms look brown on him and so white that rap music makes him grow scales. We don't even know what that means, but Blake Mitchell's the whitest human being we've ever seen. Ever.
--If born seventy years ago, would be nicknamed "Sonny," or "Red," and have a biracial bastard child on the side.
--Will likely end up with a nickname like "Sonny," or "Red," and have a biracial bastard child on the side.
--Has some, my oh my, very interesting google image search results if you try "Blake Mitchell" with safe search off. Totally work safe! If you work at a brothel specializing in facials!
More shocking revelations to come!
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If Tom Petty and Martina Navritilova had a son…..
by SonofSamford on Dec 13, 2007 12:15 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Back in tha day, he’d a been a ship’s captain!
by spartymike on Dec 13, 2007 12:16 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I’m kinda sorry to see him go. But Garcia seems to have so much potential.
by Dr. StrangeCock on Dec 13, 2007 12:17 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
It pleases me that heir-apparent fuckstick Stephen Garcia has a running start on surpassing Blake Mitchell’s asshattery by mid-season next year at the latest.
by Bobby Decatur on Dec 13, 2007 12:21 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Dude looks like the son of the Albino guy in the Eiger Sanction. Either that, of the poster child for the genetic fever swamp that is the SEC.
by sherlock hemlock on Dec 13, 2007 12:21 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
#4:
I thought for two people to have a child, one of them had to be a guy.
Oh, right… Navritilova
by TX_FL on Dec 13, 2007 12:28 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Blake just gets liquored up and the worst he will do is sucker punch a bouncer at Pavlov’s. Harmless mischievousness from my point of view, especially considered the annoying bouncers down in that hole. Who hasn’t wanted to take a swing at one of those guys?
Garcia on the other hand, engages in rather non-Southern QB behavior. Who keys someone car because of a parking spot?
Garcia is from Tampa, though.
by Coop on Dec 13, 2007 12:35 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Blake is so white, Johnny and Edgar Winter are suing him for copyright infringement…
by Pants McPants on Dec 13, 2007 12:57 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
http://youtube.com/watch?v=THxbEvCLeVo
This is the stuff of genuis. Never forget it.
by Kate on Dec 13, 2007 1:00 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
And yes, I meant “genius” and I am aware that ironically the other spelling would apply in this situation as well.
by Kate on Dec 13, 2007 1:01 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Blake Mitchell is so white, he was the inspiration for the movie Powder.
by Walrus on Dec 13, 2007 1:04 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
-Blake Mitchell is so white he sweats bleach.
by Cincy on Dec 13, 2007 1:31 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I don’t mind when a persons sexual orientation, gender, religion, race, birthright and intelligence is made fun of…..But to poke fun at their looks?
That is just too personal.
by hunglikehussain on Dec 13, 2007 1:37 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Blake…if only you could’ve been consistently good AND a fucking idiot. I won’t miss you.
by robert on Dec 13, 2007 1:39 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Blake Mitchell makes it back to the tailgating lots before the fans after a game.
by Fraggle Rock on Dec 13, 2007 1:47 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
#21
Hell, he’s there before the tailgaters get there,and I am talkin bout Thursday… whatchu talkin bout? The best tailgate before the game is Blake Mitchells lot, he simply dons his shoulder pads and heads right to the field 5 mins before kickoff, that is if he is starting, if not, he wont go in til the half…
by Mr Pelican Pants on Dec 13, 2007 2:17 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
#19, I would tend to agree, but this clown is one of the few for whom all is fair.
by Bobby Decatur on Dec 13, 2007 2:21 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
- Fraggle that is saying something considering most Carolina fans leave in the 3rd quarter.
by Clemson327 on Dec 13, 2007 2:48 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I’m pretty sure he paid someone to wear his uniform during the MSU game when Smelley was playing, so he could get his drink on and do the Soulja Boy.
by Fraggle Rock on Dec 13, 2007 2:56 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
- 23
Bobby, that was being delivered in a smart-aleky, sarcastic vein.
by hunglikehussain on Dec 13, 2007 2:59 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Assbird. LOL
I’ve been at a conference all day which makes this site even funnier by comparison.
by bama_buck on Dec 13, 2007 10:32 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Writing good copy can be a pig. But hey, if you’re not charging anyone to read and getting paid little to nothing to write, who gives a shit, huh? Have fun.)
by cantson on Dec 13, 2007 11:37 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I’m laughing, but confused. Why’s it always our Dancing Chicken? Why not former the Cincinnati Red, KEVIN Mitchell?
by CockDonor on Dec 14, 2007 9:55 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
This is irresponsible journalism. How could you in write this and not mention his daddy Nugget.
by NOT OUR QB ANYMORE on Dec 14, 2007 10:22 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
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