A BAR SCENE
by Orson on Dec 12, 2007 12:10 PM EST
81 comments
A crowded singles bar in an urban setting. Bobby sits at a bar in a red tube dress, drinking a cosmo and swirling the straw around in his hand.
Another! Now! Bobby: BARTENDER! Another Screaming Orgasm over here.
Bartender: You're really pouring it on.
Bobby: Fuck it, I'm drunk. And put another one on that old guy's tab over there. He's not even paying attention.
Mr. Blank, at the opposite end of the bar watching tv: Love ya, babe!
Bobby: Kiss my ass, limpdick. See? He didn't even hear it. Limpdick!
Mr. Blank: (Blows kiss, winks.)
Bobby: Fuck. (downs shot)
(A stiff, tweedy middle aged man fiddling with his cell phone approaches the bar and the empty seat next to Bobby.)
Bill Martin, Michigan AD: Good evening, madam. Mind if i sit...
Bobby: Go right fucking ahead. ANOTHER! (taps empty shot glass)
Martin: Bartender, a Latour '64, if you've got it?
Bartender: (Stares, pauses, continues.) We have wine coolers.
Martin: Ooh! That sounds quite refreshing. I'll try one.
(Turns to Bobby)
The weather has been delightful this year. Perfect for some late fall sailing, don't you think?
Bobby: Sailing? Who the hell are you, Captain Ron?
Who the hell sails anymore? They invented motors for a reason, asshole: speed. I'd rather run my jumbles over a cheese grater than get bored to tears watching a bunch of preppie assholes unwinding old laundry in the wind.
Martin: My, you're quite adamant in your views. And such...language! Do you always speak like this to strange men?
Bobby: I do whatever with strange men, as long as they've got the luchini, fuck-o. (Adjusts bra strap.) Especially when they start waltzing up to me and blabbing about yachts and messing around with their cell phones.
Martin: Well, I...I'm sorry, but these things are so hard to figure out. And it gets stuck on this ingenious little game called Breakout. You see, the ball bounces like this...
Bobby: Cut to the chase, Dorky McPreppiepants. Daylight's burning, and I gotta ditch Mr. Phantomstache yesterday. Hey, Limpdick!
Mr. Blank: (Smiles, points, winks.)
Bobby: You really wouldn't believe the gullibility. I would feel for him, if I had a soul. BARTENDER!!!
Bill Martin: Well, you see, I arrived unaccompanied tonight to this establishment. And I endeavor to leave with some company, though I'm stunned at the lack of character in this place. My first choice went...well...somewhat unsuccessfully.
(Across the bar, Les Miles sits on a stool. He is wearing a pair of hot pants, a tied-off bandana bra, and is in the process of getting a tattoo that reads "MIKE." A man in a tiger costume glowers at him with dead, angry mascot eyes.)
Miles: Tell your boy Carr to kiss my fucking ass, Martin! Hold this tiger! (Extends middle finger.)
Bobby: I like the broad's style.
Martin: Yes, she gave me this prominent ocular indigo halo you can see here with heel of her hand in a tussle we had over some media relations. Anyway, I was wondering if I might have the pleasure of perhaps, if you're willing and interested, of course, of giving me your phone...
(A large man in a cowboy hat roars into the bar. He begins throwing cash in every direction from a large sack he has slung around his back. He smells of wealth and bacon. Bar patrons scatter on the floor for dollars.)
Arkansas: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! SOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! AHHHHHMMM LOOOKIN FOR SOME PRIME SOW AND CAIN'T BEEE DENAAAAAAAAHHHD!!!!
Bobby: That is the sexiest thing I've ever seen. Gimme.
Arkansas: Let's boogie, baby! Off with them drawers! IT'S RUTTIN' TAAAAAAHHHME!!!
Martin: Excuse me, but I--
(Arkansas and Bobby begin copulating at the bar without shame, inches from Martin.)
Blank: Love ya babe!
Bobby: I've never been so satisfied. Ever. I'll be yours forever. You're huge.
Arkansas: WHOOOOOO WEEEEEEEE!!!! YOU'RE GONNA BE MY REGULAR SATURDAY NIGHT THING, BABAAAAAY!
Mr. Blank: Baby!!! How could you, honeybun?
Bobby: He's a real man, not like you! Just watch him! He grows out his mustache ALL THE WAY!!!
Martin: This is just all...so...vulgar. Don't any of you have any class anymore? Any of you? Do you know how hard this is for me, to try and do this with some sort of decorum, to find some esteem without wallowing in this whore-trough you call a bar? You should all be...be...
Bobby: (in between simulated groans) Ashamed?
Martin: YES! Some perspective, at last! Ashamed is precisely the word for it all! Ashamed!
Bobby: Sounds a lot like that guy Notre Dame. He left the bar years ago.
Arkansas: YEAAAAHHHH!!! I'M ON MAH TOES FOR THE FINISH, WOMAN!
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Why am I being so mercilessly targeted?
by Bobby Decatur on Dec 12, 2007 12:15 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Promise me you were drunk when you wrote that.
by Techie on Dec 12, 2007 12:20 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
He smells of wealth and bacon.
Funny, I know a business aquaintance in Arkansas who is JUST LIKE THAT.
by TIGERinATL on Dec 12, 2007 12:21 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Orson, surely there’s an underworked ATL based improv troope which would be willing act these little skits out for you. Imagine the youtube hits.
by TIGERinATL on Dec 12, 2007 12:24 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
As Mr. Blank and I share the inability to grow full ‘staches, this sadly sounds like every singles bar experience I’ve ever had. Dammit all to hell.
by Eirishis on Dec 12, 2007 12:24 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
In my head, Arkansas is played by Rich Texan from “The Simpsons.”
by Doug on Dec 12, 2007 12:25 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Please tell me the man in the cowboy hat repping Arkansas is Jerry Jones. It’s the only way that I think this could somehow be improved.
Good thing there were no photoshop representations of either Petrino or Miles in their…um….bar fashion choices.
by Signal to Noise on Dec 12, 2007 12:26 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
i’m trying to figure out what made me throw up a little bit of this morning’s breakfast in my mouth… the mental picture of petrino in a red tube dress or miles in hot pants and a bandana bra…
by rjsplow on Dec 12, 2007 12:27 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
- - I think it was Petrino engaged with the mustachioed cowboy.
by TIGERinATL on Dec 12, 2007 12:28 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Atlanta you have just been Sabanized!!! (and I think the Hogs have too, so sad)
by lendale terry on Dec 12, 2007 12:29 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
This is by far the greatest place on all the internets.
Well, outside of youporn.com, obviously.
by Bobby Decatur on Dec 12, 2007 12:31 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
So Bobby is wearing a tube dress, but stops to adjust his bra strap, which means that he’s wearing a regular bra with a strapless dress. Priceless.
by The Conscience of a Nation on Dec 12, 2007 12:32 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Arthur really does need to man-up the stache or just lose it all together.
by TIGERinATL on Dec 12, 2007 12:34 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
And I know Orson set the scene in a crowded urban singles bar, but the dialog evokes the image of a half empty airport bar with working girls there to serve business travelers. I picture Elizabeth Shue (sp?) hitting on R.Lee Earmy in Leaving Las Vegas.
by TIGERinATL on Dec 12, 2007 12:41 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
It’s only when situations like these arise that I remember at all that we field a pro football team in Atlanta. Don’t they play downtown at The Omni?
by Bobby Decatur on Dec 12, 2007 12:42 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
“Bobby: That is the sexiest thing Ive ever seen. Gimme. "
great line
by tzubear on Dec 12, 2007 12:45 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
So, UM still doesn’t have a coach. Who would’ve thought that would happen. I’d like to thank UM for making ND look downright competent.
by wooderson on Dec 12, 2007 12:48 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Off Topic:
Just heard that the ACC championship game is moving to Charlotte for the next two years, then will go to Tampa.
When will the ACC realize that as long as they allow little basketball schools to succeed they’ll never sell out a championship game no matter where it is?
by TIGERinATL on Dec 12, 2007 12:49 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Picture Arthur Blank as Robert Goulet and it becomes 100x funnier.
by TideDruid on Dec 12, 2007 1:07 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
3
Wealth & Bacon? More like “Wealth & Chikin Shit”.
by yoyofutbawl on Dec 12, 2007 1:08 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Wealth/Bacon is a fragrance on sale at Wal-Mart for $15. It is next to the Brut and Wealth/BearBryant.
by Ulysses S. McGill on Dec 12, 2007 1:10 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
- 20; “you win again, Petrino, you always do…”
by DC Trojan on Dec 12, 2007 1:12 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Man, I hope Bill Cowher sashays in and sits down next to Arthur.
by Mr. Wrong on Dec 12, 2007 1:14 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
By the way, is there any way I can get a whore-trough installed in my apartment? Will Home Depot sell me one of those?
by Doug on Dec 12, 2007 1:19 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Great writing. Will the rest be published in some sort of memoir? Phenomenal, almost as great as Bobby himself. Suck it Nutter…
by KAHog on Dec 12, 2007 1:21 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I think smelling of Wealth & Bacon could score a menage at Hole in the Wall…it’s even better than Sex Panther cologne.
I’m faring better not picturing Miles in hot pants than I did in that stupid “Don’t think about a purple elephant” game.
by Will (the other one) on Dec 12, 2007 1:26 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
20, I’m picturing Wil Ferrell as Robert Goulet as Arthur Blank, and laughing my damn ass off.
by the croominator on Dec 12, 2007 1:28 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
#27
From what I hear, the Glory Hole is easy pickins.
by TIGERinATL on Dec 12, 2007 1:35 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
http://i18.tinypic.com/7wp40li.jpg
I wish I actually had Photoshop.
by Kate on Dec 12, 2007 1:38 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
- and #15. R. Lee Earmy playing a live action Rich Texan makes it even funnier!
Great work, Orson.
by Eric on Dec 12, 2007 1:40 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
So, UM still doesnt have a coach. Who wouldve thought that would happen. Id like to thank UM for making ND look downright competent.
Well, if they are following the Bama/Arky model for a coaching search, they should be on a pretty good track to land Bill Belichick.
by HFS on Dec 12, 2007 1:42 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
It’s work at Twisted Taco in Midtown as well.
And lord knows that dump Moondogs in Buckhead.
And I always picture Fat Tony’s godfather, Don Vittorio from the Simpsons as Blank (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homie_the_Clown)
by Will (the other one) on Dec 12, 2007 1:43 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
wow…this has to be the dumbest shit I’ve read on EDSBS….and I’ve been reading for a WHILE.
by 4Real on Dec 12, 2007 1:50 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
- wouldn’t the bama/arky model involve a less successful nfl coach say, Wayne Fontes or currently Herm Edwards or Mike Shannahan?
by Ainge's packed suitcase on Dec 12, 2007 1:54 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Big Jim Slade wears Wealth & Bacon cologne.
by panhandler on Dec 12, 2007 1:54 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Wow, these are some great (though distubing) visuals. So we’ve got Lee Earmy (as Rich Texan) and Will Ferrell (as Robert Goulet) so far. I need the rest of the cast now, down to the bartender and extras. I imagine Danny Trejo and Ron Howard’s brother will be in there somewhere…
by Because They Can on Dec 12, 2007 1:57 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
off topic 19 -
The ACC game would work in Charlotte, even with the basketball schools. I’m headed down to the UConn bowl game and Wake has already sold like 15,000 tickets. The game is supposed to be a sell-out and it’s way closer to Va. Tech and even Clemson than Florida. And who gives a shit about FSU and Miami anymore?
by Edsall is God on Dec 12, 2007 1:58 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
#13: Then what’s the technical term for the back strap in a strapless bra?
I’d really like to know, because I’m gay like that.
by Tim on Dec 12, 2007 1:59 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
#35: For me, the bigger the coaching search screw-up, the better the NFL coach. Michigan is in Jon Gruden territory right now, but with no signs of letting up.
by HFS on Dec 12, 2007 2:01 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I can’t recall with absolute certainty but I’m not sure ’64 was a particularly good year in Pauillac. Certainly ’61 was one of the great vintages of the century but 70 and perhaps 66 or maybe even 62 might be prefrable to 64.
by marcillac on Dec 12, 2007 2:08 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Of course, Alabama I believe won or at least claims an MNC in all of those years although there was apparantely some discussion and concern respecting 66.
by marcillac on Dec 12, 2007 2:09 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Wealth and Bacon
Orson, do I smell a tshirt idea?
by Billy in Baton Rouge on Dec 12, 2007 2:10 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
- - Edsall, I really think you are a really refreshing (and a little dilusional) exception to the average UCONN/B College/ACC fan. On the other hand, I have a brother in law at Wake law school and they have really taken to the football success.
#37
Les Miles has to be plaed by Micky Rourke
Dennis Leary as Bobby Petrino
Collin Quinn as the bartender
Ron Howard’s brother is in the Tiger suit.
John Stewart as Bill Martin
by TIGERinATL on Dec 12, 2007 2:11 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I’ve got Ernest Borgnine as the bartender and Ricky bobby’s dad in drag as the Les Miles character.
by Out of Conference on Dec 12, 2007 2:21 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
@ NewAZTiger
That photo is priceless. I hope the title catches on.
by Tebow_for_Heisman on Dec 12, 2007 2:31 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Why am I always in the “afterglow/cuddletime” section of these posts!
Dammit! I want foreplay!
by hunglikehussain on Dec 12, 2007 2:38 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
#8: It looks like the Arkansas guy in the cowboy hat really WAS Jerry Jones.
by Doug on Dec 12, 2007 2:42 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Let us not limit the failed NFL coaching club to just Bama and Arkansas… remember Spurrier was 12-20 with the ’Skins…
by Sabanite on Dec 12, 2007 2:43 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Thanks for that. I’m a Michigan fan, and that’s the first time I’ve smiled in a week and half.
by MJ on Dec 12, 2007 2:43 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Yep. Everyone’s looking for the next Pete Carroll, but they are forgetting one thing: Carroll took the Pats to the playoffs two out of his three years as HC and one time made it to the AFC CG. That and he thinks you all are angles, as opposed to Spurrier who thinks you all are buffoons, Saban who thinks you are a lazy sack of shit, and Petrino who thinks you will believe anything he says.
by TIGERinATL on Dec 12, 2007 2:50 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Tampa Bay actually has the ACC Championship game in 2008 and 2009, Charlotte has it in 2010 and 2011. A convention in 2008 interfered with Charlotte hosting the game and they wanted to host it in back-to-back years.
by John on Dec 12, 2007 2:59 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
To take an apocrphyal quote from an early Roman bishop, “non Angelum, sed angelorum.”
by DC Trojan on Dec 12, 2007 3:01 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
need to type faster – # 55 refers to #53.
by DC Trojan on Dec 12, 2007 3:02 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Let’s be clear: the bama/Arky model is a specific way of getting an NFL coach: totally screw it up for weeks on end in a national embarrassment, and then luck into landing a big name NFL coach dying to get out of a contract.
There are plenty of other ways to land a current (or former) NFL coach, with or without college ties.
by HFS on Dec 12, 2007 3:02 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
DC – Please translate for a protestant.
by TIGERinATL on Dec 12, 2007 3:07 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Orson, if you’re in Orlando for the game, I will personally hunt you down (following the smell of wealth and bacon, of course) and shake your hand. You have successfully penned the sequel to Lloyd and His Bucket of Kittens. I so enjoy this site. sniff Huzzah!
by NativeSon on Dec 12, 2007 3:09 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
TigerinATL – What’s the fun of being a fan and not being a little delusional? This was actually the first year that some of the delusional thoughts actually came true (beating USF, pounding Rutgers, Big East co-champs). All we missed out on was the BCS bid.
I’ve noticed that Big East fans have really started to turn the corner, i.e. becoming delusional, insulting each other and morphing into a baby SEC or Big XII. We’re not the fair-weather ACC fans or the “too good to be here” Big Ten fans.
by Edsall is God on Dec 12, 2007 3:11 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Re: 53
Pete Carroll was not a good NFL coach. He inherited a team that just went to the Super Bowl under Parcells and made them worse every year until they didn’t even make the playoffs.
/Pats Fan
by NDTom on Dec 12, 2007 3:15 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Yes Edsall,
ACC fans are fair weather. They may sit down and watch their team play football on TV if they don’t have a wine tasting or something to go to that Saturday. But GO to a game? Forget about it. They need to save that gas moeny to pay the thousands it takes for basketball season tickets. Flat out un-American if you ask me.
by TIGERinATL on Dec 12, 2007 3:17 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Where is Chan Gailey in this bar? Is he sitting in the corner dressed like a prudish librarian, sobbing that his date never showed up?
by Steve on Dec 12, 2007 3:22 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Tim at #39: The technical term is the band. Thus the two parts of a bra size: 36C, for example, means that the band size is 36 and the cup size is C.
4Real at #34: Just admit ithis post turned you on. This is EDSBS, hon, you can let your freak flag fly.
by The Conscience of a Nation on Dec 12, 2007 3:22 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Re #13 & #64: Reminds me of Jeff Foxworthy’s best “you might be a redneck” line: “If your prom dress is strapless but your bra isn’t . . . .”
by DevilGrad on Dec 12, 2007 3:37 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
#66
Now that was snark-alicious!
Just here for the humor.
by hunglikehussain on Dec 12, 2007 3:57 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
TigerinATL, “not angels, but Anglicans.” Englishmen entering Rome were at first confused for angels by the local clergy, IIRC.
by rusty on Dec 12, 2007 3:59 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Les Miles has to be played by Bruce Willis
Nathan Lane as Bobby Petrino
Ted Danson as the bartender
Adam West as Bill Martin
by blazin on Dec 12, 2007 4:03 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Edsall-
The whole lower level at BOA is sold out. The Flat Tire/Muffler Bowl has always sold 55-60,000+. This will be no exception.
Welcome to CLT, be sure to make it to Del Frisco’s one night.
by yoyofutbawl on Dec 12, 2007 4:05 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
#67: Actually, I asked the original question, so I wasn’t trying to be snarky. Just thought it was a fun way to put it!
by Tim on Dec 12, 2007 4:10 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Bill Martin asking for Latour (my Sec Reg prof used to say better never than late but I’ll transgress the admonition here) – ABSOLUTELY PERFECT ORSON
The boring stolidity of the house that Bo Built could not be captured with greater perfection. No wonder they are disinclined to go for the more adventures Burgundian flavors of the Hat. Not much space for that sort of thing in tthe Michigan cellar or the one in Bill Martin’s yacht for that matter. .
Several cases of the ‘61, ’82, ’90, ’00, and 05’ to you Sir (no need not drink the stuff – sell it and buy TCOAN some rubies, emeralds, saphires and the like.)
by marcillac on Dec 12, 2007 4:16 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Marcillac-
Fuck the rocks, I want the juice. :)
by The Conscience of a Nation on Dec 12, 2007 4:31 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
TigerinATL @ 55, I was just being an ass because you typed something about Pete Carroll and angles – and I was reminded of a story that an early Roman bishop saw “angle” slaves (Anglii) in a Roman slave market and was moved by their blond hair / blue eyes to remark, not Angles, but Angels.
Rusty @ 68 – I thought it was the other way around and of older provenance, obviously, but I may well be wrong… depends on whether they were Angles pre-British invasion (plausible) or post-British invasion (less plausible).
by DC Trojan on Dec 12, 2007 4:37 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
TCOAN
2 or 3 cases of each and you can sell some, drink the rest and compare the color of your rubies to the booze.
by marcillac on Dec 12, 2007 4:40 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
No, no, no…
Willem Dafoe from “Boondock Saints” as Bobby Petrino.
Tony Randall (wait, is he dead?) as Bill Martin.
Seth MacFarlane doing Brian Griffin’s voice as Les Miles.
by the croominator on Dec 12, 2007 4:41 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
“Seth MacFarlane doing Brian Griffins voice as Les Miles.”
I was thinking more Seth Green doing Chris’ voice at a lower octave for Les Miles.
“TAFFY!, TAFFY!” (claps hand repeatedly)
by MiseanAUFan on Dec 12, 2007 6:52 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
“WHOOOOOO WEEEEEEEE!!!! YOURE GONNA BE MY REGULAR SATURDAY NIGHT THING, BABAAAAAY!”
A “Roadhouse” reference?
Cultural literacy, thy name is Orson.
by Mo Claretts' cellmate on Dec 13, 2007 1:22 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
Oh! Ma! Gawd!
This coaching search in 1 act represents the single funniest piece on this site ever.
Strong words, I know.
by bevo on Dec 13, 2007 8:25 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
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