Jim Grobe is jowly enoughfor tradition at Michigan, who plan on getting one of those fax dealy-bobs in the office as soon as they get off the belt massager at the gym.
Kyle notes in just one, just one we say, of his ongoing and superb series of bowl previews that it was a bad year to be a morbidly obese offensive genius. Sir, Mark Mangino disagrees vehemently! And is eyeing that tasty samosa you left in the Indian take-out bag!
3rd Saturday in Blogtober has the proper name for Bobby Petrino now: Pignocchio.
Cocktails, distributed in great and indiscriminate quantities in your direction, sir.
Gerry Dorsey lightens the whole nervous, boiler-room feel of the Coaching Tilt-a-Whirl by pointing us toward this LSU performance artist, who is actually a superb dancer.
Fired Washington AD Todd Turner–who “resigned” suddenly in a coupish tilt with boosters at the university–didn’t leave quietly, and bully for him for that. When you’re fired, you should take a few things with you, like paper clips, some stationery, a quickie with a co-worker in the bathroom, or half the building taken when you detonate the belt of C4 you’ve got wrapped around your penis for just such occasions. (Be prepared!)
Frankly, I’ve grown concerned recently over the growing imbalance between what the public (i.e. fans) expects and the true purpose of intercollegiate athletics. It’s a frightening time to be in your positions if you truly believe in the ideal of the student-athlete within the framework of higher education…In recent days, I’ve seen a side of athletics that sickens me with the incessant interloping of uninformed, unenlightened, self-anointed experts who look upon intercollegiate athletics solely as entertainment to satisfy their own self interests.
…the same boosters who help pay your $325,000 salary as Athletic Director, a salary with bonuses built in to take it up to $425,000. Football pays for most other sports at big universities, and the Faustian deal you make when soliciting donations remains true across the board: when someone writes a check, they buy a share. And shareholders are cranky bitches when they don’t get wins or the proper funding for a stadium renovation, something UW needs for the octogenerian Husky Stadium.
“There will be a number of folks who will want to, I’m sure, integrate this somehow around coach Willingham. And that’s not the case at all,” Emmert said Tuesday. “I’m completely comfortable and confident in our decisions surrounding coach Willingham, and I look forward to him being our coach next fall.”
Using the recent standards for football/public relations as shorthand, this means it has everything to do with Willingham, and that boosters pitched an unholy fit when the news came down that Willingham was getting one more year.
This will be the last Petrino post before we move on to other business and merely end any story re: Petrino with “Bobby Petrino says he wants to be at Arkansas, it’s where his family wants to be, and he’s staying at Arkansas.” It’s LSUFreek’s impromptu photoshopping of Jesus Camp crossed with the Petrino press conference, and you know we can’t resist the siren song of homegrown surrealism.
EDSBS is not responsible for any seizures or convulsions resulting from this.
If you’ve ever wondered what the inside of an SEC fan’s head looks like most of the time, well, this is frighteningly close. Just plug in the appropriate mascot head and coach, and that’s about 45% of the brain activity of any given day. Titties, beer, batter, and rivals.com pretty much soaks up the rest.
Note: almost entirely Petrino-related this morning, and that is the story.
Let’s show coach Petrino how to call the hogs! Even the journalists! All of you!
Everything’s subjective. Take leaving your spouse for a mistress. Oh my god, you’re the biggest asshole ever…but she maxed out three credit cards, ate breakfast in bed and left the dishes in the bed, and screamed at you several hours a day while only wanting to talk about her vapid friends and the crazy lives they lead–and we mean the kind of crazy that’s not really “crazy,” but so boring (”She’s taking karate with her kids! Isn’t that CRAZY?”) it made you want to stab yourself in the eyes with an old-fashioned fountain pen.
And your mistress! She’s so accomodating. Not as good-looking, sure…but the day-to-day stuff is so, so much easier for you. She’ll bend herself in knots to please you. She’ll give you anything and will drop to her knees any time you say so….if you’ll only come and stay, if only for a little while. Go ahead and call her angel of the morning, whatever.
And there’s your Petrino story, Rashomon-style. He totally quit the Falcons job before even finishing a complete single season of work. He’s totally bailing out the Razorbacks, who got denials from Jim Grobe and were headed to exhaust pipe/garden hose territory coach-wise before they landed a 41-9 record and a brilliant, brilliant offensive mind to go with it. It only cost them 2.85 mil a year, shelled out by either the Waltons or Jerry Jones, and the long-term stability of the program, since Petrino’s a great hire, a very good coach, and a terrible bet for the long run because he is to coaching slots what Ted Turner is to monogamy. In a perfect world, he really would coach several teams at once via video-conferencing and XBox style playcalling with a stingray-shaped controller.
Pat Forde brings out the cold dental implements and will not even give Petrino the courtesy of novacaine with his commentary:
In the coming days and weeks, the disingenuous drifter will say what Arkansas fans want to hear.
He’ll look at them with blank shark eyes and tell them, in a monotone voice, how excited he is to be the coach of the Razorbacks. He will tell them how impressed he is by the tradition and the fan base. He will tell them that the Southeastern Conference is the place he always wanted to coach (and that might be the one true thing he’ll say, given how many times he’s tried to land a job in the league).
It will be a trumped-up stump speech, as sincere as a politician’s pledge to cut taxes. It will simply be the latest pack of lies in a career full of them.
It’s accurate and fair. Kind, no–but fair, because Petrino has lied. Especially the bit about the shark eyes. They’re a bit frightening, along with the human-esque ability to bare teeth and turn the corners of his mouth up into a gesture you and ourselves might recognize as a “smile.” At no point can anyone question his talent. His commitment to anyone he works with in a job is perfectly valid material for skeptical thinking. An Arkansas fan taking any other approach is being delusional, since he’ll be fun, he’ll score shitloads of points, and he’ll leave.
He is Dennis Erickson without the jolly drinking stories. And he’s the second Lou Holtz the program has hired.
Ed Orgeron has been connected with the open defensive coordinator position at South Carolina, meaning he mailed a fine pelt he caught behind the power plant in Oxford–a beautiful groundhog pelt still fresh with blood–to Steve Spurrier. Spurrier is said to be horrified, washing his hands, and interested.
Oh, and not-Terry-Bowden OK State offensive coordinator Larry Fedorato Southern Miss. He’s good. We’re really just publishing this to mollify SMQ, a USM grad stunned by the firing of Jeff Bower and terrified that, for an instant, his program might have considered bringing Terry Bowden back to the college game under his alma mater’s banner. Sleep well, sweet prince of a blogger: Bowden stays in the booth for another year.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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