ASK AN ABSINTHE DRINKER

by Orson on Dec 11, 2007 2:56 PM EST

In honor of the production of good, ole-fashioned, terrorist-killin' American absinthe, our guest columnist is Jean-Baptiste Aragand, an absinthe drinker and Parisian poet, and he will now answer your questions.

Ah, Marcel. The green fairy speaks...

Dear Absinthe drinker,

I'm astonished at the superb recruiting class Dave Wannstedt has assembled despite three solidly mediocre years at Pitt. What gives?

--Shelley, Aliquippa, PA.

Dearest Shelley,

Who knows what languid dreams this world may weave in front of your eyes? The diseased fabric of your imagination does. I knew a whore once named Simone, and she would sit with me, drinking the absinthe, and talking of life's woes with me.

That was a long time ago. Now she is still here, but sits across the room with the mad syphilitic Monsieur Guitreaux. That hole-dicked bastard. Putain! He may have her, and together they may dine on rotten dog corpse sandwiches as they do.

Pitt? Let me ask the green imp of sadness, Marcel, who sits on my shoulder all of the day and night.

Marcel, the Imp of sadness: No clue. We have no idea how the man continues to recruit to Pitt. Good bets are on a vague "charisma," the offer of instant playing time as demonstrated by their use of freshman Lesean McCoy this year, and the decline of Penn State in the area for the gains.

Thank you, kind Marcel. Next question, if you care to inhale another of these flies buzzing all around. (Swats at air frantically. There are no flies around his head.)

Do you really think Les Miles is done and is staying at LSU, or does Michigan have a legitimate shot, as posited by many Michigan fans today?

--Hal, Kalamazoo, MI.

Absinthe drinker: Damn these flies! Damn them to hell! Marcel, discharge your musket immediately, the noise be damned.

(Marcel holds up arms as if he's shouldering a rifle, makes KA-BLOOM noise.)

Ah, so much better. With the sad fairy of the absinthe, the silence grows a thousand tiny feet and crawls across your brain, leaving the thundering of a small army trudging across your brain. Excuse me--I believe I've soiled myself. Waitress? Bring a bottle, a fresh pair of pants, and the sugar cubes. And please, the flies. Do something about the flies in here, madame. I certainly haven't helped! ha-HA!

Oh, Jesus. Tell the chandeliers to stop taunting me. Please.

Marcel, the Imp of Sadness. It is a marginal chance, but it does exist. A contract extension changes nothing, but it makes a withdrawal and departure to Michigan seem quite skunky on Miles' part. Sangre mal would not begin to describe the aftermath, mon ami.

Dear Absinthe Drinker,

Why is the Big Ten turning its back on tradition and expanding to a 13-week schedule?

--Jorge, Bloomington, IN

The minarets are on fire, and do not try to tell me they're not, monsieur. It is as if I am a string plucked over the hollow, resonant instrument of myself; all the rest is merely the vibration and echo of something long since accomplished and done. The flowers of evil do not cover the barren fields of this soul, left to moulder by its careless owner.

Have you ever been to a Turkish brothel? They're really spectacular. I once made theatrical love to a plate full of dates and a heaving hunk of cooked lamb there for sport. In truth, I have never been as whole or as satisfied as I was in that one, singular moment, ami. (Wipes back tears.)

Baisse-moi, whore chandeliers! You never finished law school, either! (Breaks down in tears.)

Marcel, the Imp of Sadness. To accomodate the 12th game and give a break in the schedule, of course, though the long layoff faced by Ohio State or Michigan the Big Ten BCS representative after the end of the season and its adverse effects have something to do with it, of course.

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Comments

Bravo! Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a dragon with a package at the door. Damn cough syrup.

by PJ from NU in SF on Dec 11, 2007 3:03 PM EST reply actions

reading this, all I could think of was Strindburg and Helium

MISSSSERRRYYYYY

by Jerkwheat on Dec 11, 2007 3:06 PM EST reply actions

Or, as JoPa would say, “I Have Some Remembrances Of Things Past If Only I Had BRAINS”.

by yoyofutbawl on Dec 11, 2007 3:13 PM EST reply actions

Isn’t this the first appearance of the Green Fairie in EDSBS history? All references to ND aside, of course…

by sb on Dec 11, 2007 3:19 PM EST reply actions

Straight Outta Norra Begravningsplatsen!!!

by PeteJayhawk on Dec 11, 2007 3:20 PM EST reply actions

Since it’s impossible for me to find LSD anymore, maybe absinthe can be my new hallucinogenic friend. I’ve heard good things…

by Bobby Decatur on Dec 11, 2007 3:22 PM EST reply actions

Perhaps this post needs a subtitle… “As the Wormwood Turns?”

by Papa Lou BSU on Dec 11, 2007 3:26 PM EST reply actions

Unbelievable. I wonder if absinthe comes in….gator green?

by Weo on Dec 11, 2007 3:29 PM EST reply actions

I drank absinthe once and talked to a candle for a half-hour. Never again.

Purple drank only, lawya.

by Land of Os(borne) on Dec 11, 2007 3:30 PM EST reply actions

Good things are heard and bad things are done when the worm of the wood once more does come

by AllWhoYonder on Dec 11, 2007 3:48 PM EST reply actions

ugh. that brought on flashbacks to a paper on baudelaire i had the misfortune of penning at one point. didn’t give me a taste for absinthe but my bourbon budget went through the roof that month.

by kleph on Dec 11, 2007 3:50 PM EST reply actions

I’ve never had the pleasure/pain of meeting absinthe.

But it had a fun cameo in “Euro Trip”.

The Green Fairy was in it, as well. Really the only funny part of that movie.

“You made out with your sister!”

by Rival on Dec 11, 2007 4:02 PM EST reply actions

to answer the question from Kalamazoo…

from lsusports.net…

Press release from the LSU official site:

BATON ROUGE — LSU football coach Les Miles issued the following statement on Tuesday regarding the conversation he had with Michigan last week:

I had a conversation with Michigan last week that covered a wide range of topics. I was doing nothing more than helping them with their search for a football coach, just as any loyal alumnus might do. It was nothing more than that.

Im not a candidate for that job and I will not be a candidate for the job. I was only assisting them in their search for a coach. I have a great job at a wonderful place, a place that my family calls home. Its time that Michigan goes on with their search for a football coach. Ill say it again, Im going to be the coach at LSU next season.

so…….?

by CK on Dec 11, 2007 4:11 PM EST reply actions

I had an encounter with the green fairy when I was in Germany playing soccer between high school and college. I didn’t know what this smuggled stuff was at the time and my strongest reaction was that it tasted really really bad.

But it was never directly banned in the US, so now it has become legal in more parts of the EU, a couple of companies have started importing it into the US. I’m going to have to give it another try when I can locate some.

by oc phil on Dec 11, 2007 4:12 PM EST reply actions

Thank goodness the Big Ten is going to a 13-week schedule. Because it was the layoff that caused them to be crushed by Florida. Just like in 2005 when the layoff…wait they beat Notre Dame. Or in 2003…wait they beat KSU in the Fiesta Bowl. Or in 2002 when Miami…dammit…Ohio State be good y’all.

by Edsall is God on Dec 11, 2007 4:15 PM EST reply actions

I think the Green Fairy lives under Les Miles’ hat.

And if you’re looking for Absinthe, remember if it lacks thujone and wormwood, it’s about as Absinthe as a hand job is sex.

by Will (the other one) on Dec 11, 2007 4:17 PM EST reply actions

#15…just stop it…you are obviously trying to apply logic to your analysis of the decision-making process of the Big Televen Conference and tosu self-justification. As there is no logic other than the overwrought egos inherent therein, your inquiry is wasted effort. Please, if you must persist, leave your findings elsewhere.

by sb on Dec 11, 2007 4:44 PM EST reply actions

Bravo! Tour de Force! However, dam you Orson…I can’t get the image of Terry Bowden as Marcel, the Imp of Sadness from my mind!

Pass the liquor si vous plait!

by Alagator on Dec 11, 2007 5:26 PM EST reply actions

It does kill malaria, does it not… That will help Monsieur Miles as he trudges through the Belgian Congo looking for DDD-Dorsey’s behemoth replacement.

by Harper on Dec 11, 2007 7:04 PM EST reply actions