DOUBLE LATE UPDATE Yup. Totally done and official. It was in Wikipedia three minutes after Petrino called Blank at 5:45 p.m. to phone in his resignation, which must be some kind of internet sorcery. Jeff Schultz of the AJC calls Petrino “a quitter,” and we’re sort of inclined to agree, even with the biblical disasters that struck the Falcons this year–he didn’t even finish out the damn string, the least any coach could do. They gave you four mil a year. The least you could do is finish the disaster out and then go instead of “blindsiding” your boss. Having been a bad employee for most of our our life, we can totally say with authority that this is beyond the pale, since we’ve never done it, and we suck. Just ask our employers.

We’ll leave the rest of the post as evidence that, truly, no one knows anything. But all of that Will Muschamp shit? To hell with it. Bobby Petrino is the next head coach at Arkansas, according to John Clayton of ESPN. If true, the SEC just got even more horrifying. If not: ESPN’s hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahariffic.

Ah, great to have a monster like Petrino in conference to go with Meyer, Fulmer, Tuberville, Miles, Saban, Spurrier, and Richt. Hey, anyone take the Michigan job yet? Anyone?

Will Muschamp, excitable defensive coordinator for the Auburn Tigers, will indeed likely be the next head coach at Arkansas. He’s naturally going to be called Boom! Motherfucker for life, but we’ll throw a few other possible nicknames out there just for the hell of it in a vain attempt to be family friendly, you thieving horde of goose-raping assholes.

–Coach Excite-o-pants

–Spanky the Indomitable

–Coach Mustyfist

–Mr. Babychimp

–Hyper-hypo.

UPDATE! We didn’t mention that this is potentially a really, really good hire, and a bonus for us as Florida fans since we won’t have to face a Muschamp defense every year now. We should have done that, so…um, yeah. It’s potentially a really, really good hire.

The replacement for Al “Gorgeous” Borges this season won’t have to pay more for moving expenses, as he’ll be trundling his goods right down the road 61 miles from his current home Troy, Alabama to Auburn: Tony Franklin, offensive coordinator for the Trojans and Leach/Mumme pass fiend, will be taking his four and five wide sets to Auburn this season.

Auburn fans who saw the words “Mumme” and just passed out, please pick yourselves up off the floor and note that Franklin is the pilot of the Omar Haugabook offense that scared the daylights out of Georgia in 2007 and were 17th in the nation in total offense. They also lost to Florida Atlantic, but when you fight Schnellenberger, you fight ten men in one. Ten men in snazzy ties, man.

You can’t beat this kind of sexy, boy.

In honor of the production of good, ole-fashioned, terrorist-killin’ American absinthe, our guest columnist is Jean-Baptiste Aragand, an absinthe drinker and Parisian poet, and he will now answer your questions.

Ah, Marcel. The green fairy speaks…

Dear Absinthe drinker,

–Shelley, Aliquippa, PA.

Dearest Shelley,

Who knows what languid dreams this world may weave in front of your eyes? The diseased fabric of your imagination does. I knew a whore once named Simone, and she would sit with me, drinking the absinthe, and talking of life’s woes with me.

That was a long time ago. Now she is still here, but sits across the room with the mad syphilitic Monsieur Guitreaux. That hole-dicked bastard. Putain! He may have her, and together they may dine on rotten dog corpse sandwiches as they do.

Pitt? Let me ask the green imp of sadness, Marcel, who sits on my shoulder all of the day and night.

Marcel, the Imp of sadness: No clue. We have no idea how the man continues to recruit to Pitt. Good bets are on a vague “charisma,” the offer of instant playing time as demonstrated by their use of freshman Lesean McCoy this year, and the decline of Penn State in the area for the gains.

Thank you, kind Marcel. Next question, if you care to inhale another of these flies buzzing all around. (Swats at air frantically. There are no flies around his head.)

Do you really think Les Miles is done and is staying at LSU, or does Michigan have a legitimate shot, as posited by many Michigan fans today?

–Hal, Kalamazoo, MI.

Absinthe drinker: Damn these flies! Damn them to hell! Marcel, discharge your musket immediately, the noise be damned.

(Marcel holds up arms as if he’s shouldering a rifle, makes KA-BLOOM noise.)

Ah, so much better. With the sad fairy of the absinthe, the silence grows a thousand tiny feet and crawls across your brain, leaving the thundering of a small army trudging across your brain. Excuse me–I believe I’ve soiled myself. Waitress? Bring a bottle, a fresh pair of pants, and the sugar cubes. And please, the flies. Do something about the flies in here, madame. I certainly haven’t helped! ha-HA!

Oh, Jesus. Tell the chandeliers to stop taunting me. Please.

Marcel, the Imp of Sadness. It is a marginal chance, but it does exist. A contract extension changes nothing, but it makes a withdrawal and departure to Michigan seem quite skunky on Miles’ part. Sangre mal would not begin to describe the aftermath, mon ami.

Dear Absinthe Drinker,

–Jorge, Bloomington, IN

The minarets are on fire, and do not try to tell me they’re not, monsieur. It is as if I am a string plucked over the hollow, resonant instrument of myself; all the rest is merely the vibration and echo of something long since accomplished and done. The flowers of evil do not cover the barren fields of this soul, left to moulder by its careless owner.

Have you ever been to a Turkish brothel? They’re really spectacular. I once made theatrical love to a plate full of dates and a heaving hunk of cooked lamb there for sport. In truth, I have never been as whole or as satisfied as I was in that one, singular moment, ami. (Wipes back tears.)

Baisse-moi, whore chandeliers! You never finished law school, either! (Breaks down in tears.)

Marcel, the Imp of Sadness. To accomodate the 12th game and give a break in the schedule, of course, though the long layoff faced by Ohio State or Michigan the Big Ten BCS representative after the end of the season and its adverse effects have something to do with it, of course.

The strange royalist tendencies of Michigan football are one of the angles examined in our latest Sporting News column.

Wolverines: monarchists on the cheap? Photoshop by Peter.

Andre Ware: Hey. Erin.

Erin Andrews: Hey. What? Workin’ here. (more…)

Boom, motherfucker! The creeping rumor is Will Muschamp, the defensive coordinator at Auburn, acolyte of Nick Saban, and occasional affront to FCC broadcasting standards, will be the next football coach at Arkansas. This is still in the realm of creeping rumor, of course, but it’s an odd hire for one reason: having just gotten rid of a spastic, yeah-rah offensive guy, Arkansas will have gone out and grabbed a spastic, yeah-rah defensive guy.

Admittedly, this is a very, very good yeah-rah guy, and it seems less of a conscious decision to hire one guy in particular than an commitment to hiring the person they felt to be the best coach out there after Jim Grobe turned them down.

Again, purely speculative, but here in the blogosphere that flies like Kevin Everett out of a hospital.