FLORIDA PLAYER ARRESTED FOR ASSAULT WITH DELICIOUS WEAPON
Dear Jermaine Cunningham,
Like any 21st-century college student, I subsisted entirely on Jimmy John’s for four years of my life. And like many recent graduates, I find the adult world to be a cold, unfeeling place entirely devoid of delicious sandwiches. There is one (1) franchise in all of California, one source for the be-all end-all of sandwich Valhalla…and it’s in Clovis. CLOVIS. That’s so far away that it’s actually faster to rent a classic convertible and drive to Vegas with your friends, skip the slot machines and head straight to JJ’s (DON’T YOU DARE JUDGE ME).
And you, Jermaine Cunningham, with your four-year education handed to you because you’re reasonably adept (sack leader!) at hitting guys with your whole body….you so callously toss away the greatest treasure of starving students everywhere because you can’t be bothered to cough up a buck for a bag of chips? The only thing I could recognize on the menu at my froo-froo lunch date today turned out to be a sandwich made of RICE. I’d kill a man for half your lunch, if you hadn’t already thrown it at some poor counter boy.
Cunningham and former Florida linebacker Jon Demps were arrested at 2:49 a.m. and charged with a count each of misdemeanor battery.
The hometown lawmen are going easy on them Gator boys here; those sandwiches have some serious heft to them, and all the density of a delicious brickbat.
The report did not specify exactly what kind of sandwich struck the victim.
Count yourself lucky, Cunningham. If you were rocking a (honest to god actual menu item, swear) Billy Club as a weapon, we have no choice but to applaud your sense of the dramatic…but if I hear you wasted a perfectly good #9 on wheat on a service employee, I’m coming for you, son, and bringing Hell with me. (With a brief stop for lunch.)
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51
DC Trojan says:
5 guys serve up a splendid double cheeseburger but the fries are like miniature bricks. I prefer IN-N-OUT, but I’m not going to get all Reformation / counter-reformation about it.
On a side note, who wouldn’t get all excited about driving to Clovis for a sandwich? Aside from the bright lights of Bakersfield en route, there’s the bucolic charm of farming towns like Arvin, home of newspaper the Arvin Tiller. The locals told me that it had gone out of business, but the editor had no regrets, writing the final headline: Don’t cry for me, Arvin Tiller.
December 5th, 2007 at 9:57 pm
52
VolunteerValtrex says:
The J.J. Gargantuan™ is but a mere snack for me, as I am all that is man…or fat, whichever you prefer.
December 5th, 2007 at 10:08 pm
53
DarthGatorOne says:
According to the local news, Cunningham was not the sandwich hurler. It was Jon Demps, already in Meyer’s doghouse, who was the “alleged” sub tosser. Cunningham allegedly threw an empty cup……
Of course, this loss of self-control was wrong, lamentable, and funny……..However, the subsequent SWAT type response by the Gainesville PD, the manhunt, and subsequent arrests were slightly over the top.
However, no matter how this turns out, you can be sure that Coach Meyer will not think that it’s insignificant or humorous. I have a picture in my mind of him dressed as Queen Victoria saying, “We are not amused”. Look for a suspension for Cunningham for the bowl game and other internal discipline and a dismissal from the team for Demps……….
Oh well, as one wag suggests, “Nothing good happens with food after 3:00 AM” , and as another said, “Don’t hoagie me, bro!”
December 5th, 2007 at 10:32 pm
54
CLTDawg says:
We got 5 Guys here in Charlotte about a year ago. They opened one right down the street from my office (damn/bless them). The burgers are way better than in-n-out, but the fries aren’t so good. I’d go with in-n-out on the fries.
I somehow missed out on the JJ’s hysteria. Color me unimpressed.
December 5th, 2007 at 10:41 pm
55
sithkhan says:
So, does this ‘incident’ count towards Fulmer Cup points? Because my Fulmer Fantasy League Commish is not letting me pick up Florida until we have a ruling from Orson … lawls.
December 5th, 2007 at 10:53 pm
56
doctorevil says:
Perhaps he used his J.J. Gargantuan…with extra organ-o, or oregano, or whatever.
December 5th, 2007 at 11:26 pm
57
Brad Warbiany says:
Holly,
If you want a proper sandwich, head down to Portillo’s in Buena Park for an Italian Beef… It’s not a sub (and thus has no relation to Jimmy John’s), but it’s absolutely awesome.
Oh but I miss JJ from my days at Purdue…
December 6th, 2007 at 2:02 am
58
Signal to Noise says:
#49 – I love In-N-Out to death and hate my city of residence in CA for not having one (stupid city council and its anti drive thru laws), but the fries there are shite if you get them to go.
I seriously miss Fatburger in L.A. I know they’ve dwindled badly.
December 6th, 2007 at 3:15 am
59
Junts says:
Jebus displays great fondness for the JJ’s on Washington, I see. I have a friend who swears by it, but never get past Panchero’s.
December 6th, 2007 at 4:07 am
60
Brian says:
Aww, so dissapointed I didn’t get in on the comments for this thread earlier. One day at Georgia Tech I was eating at subway by myself -across the street from the Varsity- and a hobo came in to the dining room area, of which I was the only person (its seperate from the subway and KFC that are connected to it) This man then proceeded to tell me that “This is a sub stickup” and to hand over my sub to him. Instead of a gun, he tried to hold a chapstick tube like a gun, and use intimidation. Well, I sir, I just kept saying to him “what? Huh, what did you say?” Not really believing what he said. He repeated “This is a sub stickup, give me your sub.” I told him I could not, on account of it being mine, and being very tasty. He got very frustrated with me, and eventually left. It was the weirdest shit ever.
December 6th, 2007 at 8:50 am
61
Brian says:
DC Trojan hits nail on head regarding Five Guys – grossly overrated.
JJ Subs are good, but they aren’t anything I’d miss if they went away.
The best Lunch food is, by far, Willy’s California Burritos with about 2 dozen locations around ATL. Chipotle can compete, but I just like Willy’s better.
December 6th, 2007 at 8:59 am
62
JoshC says:
DCT is correct in characterizing Five Guys vs. In-N-Out as essentially a religious war — both burgers are great, they’re just entirely different concepts, eastern Hunk-O-Meat versus western thinly-ground. How could you not like Five Guys’ fries, though? Fresh-cut, just the right amount of salt, and a “regular” order could feed a couple of offensive linemen.
Damn Jimmy John’s in Charlottesville is all the way down on the UVa Corner. They need to put one up farther north where I don’t have to drive my car through a crowd of undergrads.
December 6th, 2007 at 9:33 am
63
Fraggle Rock says:
I love some Jimmy John’s. In Columbia, I have one a block from where I work, and then another a block from where I live. It’s great. However, I do cheat on JJ’s every now and then with a place called Beezer’s near USC’s campus. Nothing like a Godfather with extra mayo and oil and vinegar at 4 in the morning. Damn, I think I might be having a Gargantuan for lunch today.
December 6th, 2007 at 9:47 am
64
R.D. Baker - Retired Blogger says:
The most egregious thing about Jimmy John’s is that they don’t have one in the Phoenix area and they’re only looking for not looking for franchises in the Valley, just Tucson. *grr*
We got a college here in the East Valley too you know! Maybe you’ve heard of it? Top 10 football team? Holiday bowl bound? Thisclose to being in the BCS? Dennis Erickson the coach?
December 6th, 2007 at 10:10 am
65
Out of Conference says:
How much for just 1 rib?
Five Guys has good burgers, their fries aren’t the best, but in a world where sometimes quantity is better than quality, you can’t beat a lunch bag full of fries as a single order from Five Guys. When the chick at the counter tells you to find someone in line to share the order of fries with before you order them, you know you’re about to get an assload of fried potatoes.
Coop, you seem to know everything and I’m lazy to look at their website, but do we have a JJs in SC? I’m pretty partial to Groucho’s in downtown Columbia, but I only get there a few times a year.
December 6th, 2007 at 10:15 am
66
Jerkwheat says:
Jesus Christ – if the morning’s rumors are true – the Arkansas coaching search is getting uglier than last year’s Bama debacle
December 6th, 2007 at 10:20 am
67
KJ says:
I once saw a man slam a hot, fresh Mama’s Love from Mama G’s in Auburn on the pavement during a fight with his girlfriend. He may have been my best friend, but I cut his F*@&ing throat…
You just don’t do that.
December 6th, 2007 at 10:25 am
68
Robert in Toledo says:
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December 6th, 2007 at 10:52 am
69
yoyofutbawl says:
OOC-
I think they just opened a JJ’s across from Jillian’s on Gervais. And it’s Shag night at Jillian’s tonight, worth a trip from Charlotte.
December 6th, 2007 at 11:01 am
70
DC Trojan says:
Maybe my problem with 5 Guys fries derives from eating a “single” order by my lonesome, to accompany the double cheeseburger. A couple of my co-workers later found me stranded under my desk like a beached whale.
S2N is right about In-N-Out fries – they really have to be eaten on the spot.
mmm, fries.
December 6th, 2007 at 11:31 am
71
lance harbor says:
@60
You should have given the bum your crappy sub just for his sheer creativity. That’s worth $5.
I haven’t tried JJ’s, but will. And Beezers is fantastic.
December 6th, 2007 at 11:46 am
72
PJ from NU in SF says:
mmm…. burgers
The INO on the west side of Bakersfield is almost exactly halfway between SF and Vegas, and is one of the reasons I prefer to drive that trip rather than fly.
Fatburger seems to be expanding rather than dwindling, the last time I looked. In fact, I understand Michigan’s one of their targets (about 5 miles from the nephew and niece, yippee!)
Niman Ranch FTW.
December 6th, 2007 at 11:58 am
73
CapstoneAlum says:
#66
I admit that our coaching search was a debacle (pretty good outcome although)…but Rich Rod shooting us down vs. what is going on with your team is stretching it a bit.
December 6th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
74
MassDad says:
#65 Is that the same Groucho’s that’s been around since at least the late 60’s? Brings back memories. That and 5 Points before it upscaled.
December 6th, 2007 at 1:29 pm
75
Scalz1 says:
Two things :
1. Is he wearing his third uniform ?
2. Did Tony Taylor break into the restaruant to make his girl a sandwich ?
December 6th, 2007 at 1:38 pm
76
Devil's Millhopper says:
Another reason why we need a playoff. These fine young men have too much time on their hands, not to mention mayonaisse.
December 6th, 2007 at 2:04 pm
77
Out of Conference says:
Don’t forget Spurrier’s turning you down, Petrino likewise, or Nick’s initial denial. There was some crazy shit in T-town’s coahcing hunt. Not that I would wish that on anyone, but Mal and PB Jr f’ed Bama nation hard last year.
December 6th, 2007 at 2:53 pm
78
Fraggle Rock says:
There is a JJ’s in 5 points and the Vista in Columbia.
#74 – That is the same Groucho’s. It’s actually turned into quite the chain in SC. There are now Groucho’s in Columbia, Charleston, Lexington, Florence, and Greenville (there are others but I can’t recall where else). Nothing like drowning a sammich in 45 sauce.
December 6th, 2007 at 3:42 pm
79
Clemson327 says:
This thread makes me want to go get drunk and eat a sub that would otherwise seem average. I have only had Jimmy John’s when I’ve been drunk (my first experience coming last year in Blacksburg then later in Athens). Everytime I get drunk though, I can’t help but crave a sub from JJ’s. We have a Beezer’s in Clemson, but I refuse to eat there even when drunk.
And Groucho’s is delicious. Unfortunately it is a little too high class for Orangeburg.
December 7th, 2007 at 10:24 am
80
Out of Conference says:
78 – Fraggle Rock – where is the Groucho’s in Greenville? This is must know info. One opened on Augutsa Rd about 7 or 8 years ago at the corner of Farris Rd, but it only lasted about 6 months. It seemed I was about the only one there. I went there almost every night for TV. I didn’t have a TV at the time because I was studying for the PE exam and wanted no distractions at home, so I ate at Grouchos a lot.
December 7th, 2007 at 10:47 am
81
Fraggle Rock says:
Maybe that is the one I was thinking of in G Vegas. Didn’t realize it was so short lived. Not sure if you’re willing to travel, but the Groucho’s website claims one to be opening soon in Spartanburg.
December 7th, 2007 at 11:13 am