Pass The Cyanide, Please
We Longhorn fans have had an interesting ride during Mack Brown’s 10 years in Austin. 1998-2003 were filled with promise, but mostly near-misses. 2004 saw Vince Young take over under center and another loss to Oklahoma – our fifth in a row. Vince never lost a game after that, though, winning back to back Rose Bowls along the way, including Texas’ perfect run through 2005 to the national title.
Ah, those were the days. The team was loose. The best player in college football history was doing things none of us had ever seen. And Mack Freaking Brown had 50 Cent in his iPod.
Vince Young is a god. For real.
But oh how things are regressing to the mean. Since small town hero Colt McCoy beat Oklahoma last season, the Longhorns have quickly tumbled back to the pack. Texas lost back to back games to K-State and A&M last year, choking away the South Division to Oklahoma, who promptly won their fourth Big 12 title under Bob Stoops. After the game? Malcolm Kelly celebrates:
I’m sensing a pattern here…
Fast forward to today, and Oklahoma’s won their fifth Big 12 title under Stoops, with his fifth different quarterback. Meanwhile, Texas fans are prepping for their fourth trip to the Holiday Bowl in the past eight seasons. Freshman wunderkind Colt McCoy has become the Sophomore Slump. Texas has looked listless for two straight seasons… and today we may have found out why.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Austin American-Statesman presents: Area Athletes’ Top 10 Songs To Workout/Get Pumped Up To.
Colt McCoy’s Top 10
1. (tie) ‘She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy,’ Kenny Chesney and ‘I Can Still Make Cheyenne,’ George Strait
2. ‘Good Directions,’ Billy Currington
3. ‘Tuesday’s Gone,’ Lynyrd Skynyrd
4. ‘Big City,’ Merle Haggard
5. ‘Cowboy Song,’ Thin Lizzy
6. ‘Yellow Ledbetter,’ Pearl Jam
7. ‘Bad Company,’ Bad Company
8. ‘Hotel California,’ Eagles
9. ‘Lost and Found,’ Randy Rogers Band
10. ‘She’s Every Woman,’ Garth Brooks
One of these things is not like the others.
God help the Longhorns…
(Hat Tip: Barking Carnival)









1
Signal to Noise says:
Man, slow songs like “Yellow Ledbetter” and “Hotel California” to get pumped up? Kenny Chesney does not lend itself to “swagger” in any way.
“I had a rough night and I hate the fuckin’ Eagles, man!”
December 4th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
2
Dr. StrangeCock says:
Pearl Jam would like to have its name removed from consideration in any future Colt McCoy redneck-centric playlists.
December 4th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
3
Geaux Irish says:
Gary Barnett thinks that Katie Hnida’s playlist is better.
December 4th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
4
DirkDawggler says:
Wow. You found Waldo.
December 4th, 2007 at 12:27 pm
5
Rowdie Gaines says:
Worst.Playlsit.Ever…oh yeah, and Fuck Texas
December 4th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
6
The Last Dragon says:
Ummmmm…..Vince Young not a God anymore. You seen that guy play this year???
December 4th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
7
Brian says:
At least they didn’t say Dave Matthews – me no like.
Heh, I thought this list was a joke at first.
December 4th, 2007 at 12:31 pm
8
baconboy says:
I think the kid who the Oklahoma remix is what Orson must have looked like when he was 12.
December 4th, 2007 at 12:42 pm
9
Stacy Keibler Luvs Me says:
Girly Music Dept:
After reading that playlist, Texas University ought to send their team, coaches and hangers on’ to one of those “How to be a Man” work shops. After banging Afrincan drums for a weekend or so, and getting ripped a new one by a “Curly-type” from City Slickers, they might be able to man up and listen to something other than girly-man music.
December 4th, 2007 at 12:42 pm
10
Tony the Tiger says:
Oh. My. God.
December 4th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
11
baconboy says:
who made, that is…I hate it when I leave out important words…
December 4th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
12
Techie says:
Since when is Hotel California a song to get pumped to?
UT Fans:
Send Colt some iTunes gift cards for Christmas:
Iron Maiden
Pantera
Metallica
Slayer
Opeth
You know, anything to get him a pulse.
Dethklok and DragonForce, whatever it takes.
December 4th, 2007 at 12:50 pm
13
Gurn says:
“the greatest player in the history of college football”?
He’s not even the best player in the history of Texas football.
December 4th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
14
Holly says:
About as sexxxy as your ill-advised scrambling, Colt.
December 4th, 2007 at 12:54 pm
15
Scalz1 says:
ohhhhh .. that’s why Vince Young is a god. He had a towel around his head.
Wait, what ?
You sure it’s not “I’m every woman”, Whitney Houston ?
December 4th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
16
King Puppy says:
“They’ll see tough.”
“And by tough, I mean sleeveless t-shirts and a turtle-like visage.”
December 4th, 2007 at 12:58 pm
17
PW says:
Since #1 is a tie, shouldn’t the next song on the list be #3? I mean, his top ten includes eleven songs.
Who the hell says ten and means eleven…and doesn’t play anyone out of conference?
December 4th, 2007 at 1:01 pm
18
Peter Bean says:
#13, you’re oh so wrong. Nobody at Texas has ever done anything like what VY did his junior year. And if he had stayed for a senior year, he’d have finished his career 43-2, with untouchable numbers.
December 4th, 2007 at 1:02 pm
19
Brian O'Blivion says:
Best workout music ever would have to be Rage Against the Machine. I always get a few extra reps during the “Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me!” part of “Killing in the Name”
December 4th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
20
Land of Os(borne) says:
Nebraska fans think Colt’s a bit of a hick.
December 4th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
21
Geaux Irish says:
Eurovision has better music than Colt’s iPod.
http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2006/05/23/orson-on-finebaum-eurovision-song-contest/
December 4th, 2007 at 1:12 pm
22
Gurn says:
#18 —
So you’re convinced UT would have gone undefeated his hypothetical senior year, huh? Okay.
I think the greatest football player ever at Texas was the Tyler Rose, Earl Campbell. And I think he’s in the top five all-time in college football.
December 4th, 2007 at 1:13 pm
23
willet says:
Is the world just finding out that Mack is an awful coach?
BTW
Kenny Chesney is gay. Not there is anything wrong with that.
December 4th, 2007 at 1:13 pm
24
PW says:
Peter,
Isn’t Vince Young essentially a black Tim Tebow?
December 4th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
25
Cincy says:
Anyone here concerned that the golfer on that list is sporting that much wood for Judas Priest.
December 4th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
26
Peter Bean says:
Gurn – I think so. Vince was more or less unstoppable by the time he moved on to the NFL. But the Tyler Rose was absurd to watch, too. Can’t go wrong with either.
#24 – that’s one way to look at it.
December 4th, 2007 at 1:19 pm
27
Jorgé the Bass Player says:
Is it true one can go to a drive-thru in Texas and buy a bottle of Old Crow or some other kind of booze? The body nazis in Ohio won’t allow us to do that.
I’m also told that back in the good ‘ol days, before the Feds started using highway funding for leverage, Texans could drink in the car.
Can anyone confirm this?
December 4th, 2007 at 1:20 pm
28
dawg james dawg says:
Best palyer ever was named Walker and he went to UGA.
December 4th, 2007 at 1:23 pm
29
Herb says:
You ustacould have an open container in a car in NC if you weren’t driving back when I was a kid (parents wouldn’t let me for some reason then). Those damn Feds made us change that.
I’ve personally bought a mixed drink at a drive through Hurricane shop in Louisiana (it’s not an open container until you put your straw in!), but I can’t vouch for Texas.
December 4th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
30
Herb says:
#24, isn’t Colt McCoy the white Chris Leak?
December 4th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
31
baconboy says:
We do have drive-thru liquor stores in Texas. Smith County, which is where Tyler is located, is a dry county and there are lots of drive thru liquor stores right outside the county limits. Don’t even have to get out of the car.
December 4th, 2007 at 1:35 pm
32
Doug says:
“Hi. I’m Colt McCoy. And guess what: The H is O.”
December 4th, 2007 at 1:40 pm
33
Will (the other one) says:
Opeth is nice, but there’s too many quiet stretches.
He needs the Devin Townsend Physicist album, Strapping Young Lad, anything by Nile, or if all else fails:
Slayer-Rain in Blood
December 4th, 2007 at 1:44 pm
34
Touchdown74 says:
I’m not so worried about Colt’s musical tastes as much as Omar Uresti’s infatuation with Judas Priest. Seriously, a 39 yo male golfer that into Rob Halford? That is a punchline waiting to happen kids…DISCUSS!
December 4th, 2007 at 1:45 pm
35
Kenny says:
The comments, much like the BCS, seem flawed today.
Also, Big City is a great song. But probably doesn’t win you a lot of football games.
December 4th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
36
Coop says:
The greatest college football player, EVER? Wow, our regular teacher never tries to bludgeon us to death with hyperbole, especially when an obvious conflict of interest would be present.
Is this what we are going to get for the rest of the week?
December 4th, 2007 at 2:01 pm
37
George P. Burdell says:
Isn’t there some rule about not being able to complain for 5 years when you win a national title?
December 4th, 2007 at 2:02 pm
38
DevilGrad says:
As amusing as this is, I have to disagree with Peter’s premise. After all, Todd Boeckman told the guys from the Four-Letter during their interminable BCS show on Sunday night that he got word that WVU and Mizzou lost [i]while attending a Kenny Chesney concert[/i].
December 4th, 2007 at 2:02 pm
39
D-nice says:
You may like a broad variety of music, even stupid pop and girly music. So fire up the Duran Duran at home, and crank the Dixie Chicks in your car – I won[t mind.
But, lor the love of God, the only music that you can include on a PUBLIC play list (even if your lying) really has to be metal or hardcore hip-hop. At least try to create the image of a hyped up macho athlete – it’s what the fans want.
@19 is correct – the list should really include a Rage Against the Machine song, and at least one song with “kill: in the title. AC/DC and NWA should really be part of the equation.
December 4th, 2007 at 2:09 pm
40
UTEx says:
I am not a fan of country music but I would certianly rather see Texas players listening to McCoy’s type of music than gansta rap. I remember (too many years ago) eating at a restaurant in Dallas after the Texas-OU game and in walked what seemed to be about a fourth of the OU team. Thugs. I then understood why Texas still allows concealed weapons. We brace ourselves for the OU invasion in October.
December 4th, 2007 at 2:10 pm
41
DC Trojan says:
So you’re telling me that country video about the tractor humper is not a joke?
December 4th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
42
mv says:
Comment 40 – “I am not a fan of country music but I would certianly rather see Texas players listening to McCoy’s type of music than gansta rap.”
thanks dad
don’t like OU, but Malcolm’s freestyle is dirty, but he mentions “purple” ain’t that bad for the kids
December 4th, 2007 at 2:46 pm
43
UgasTexan says:
First, a crappy work-out playlist. If you can’t make your own, just choose a pre-made one at iTunes.
Second, how can anyone living in Austin, Texas get any enjoyment from crap country? This guy is at the heart of the universe when it comes to “real” Texas music and there’s no mention of Robert Earl Keen or Dale Watson? Just the same top 40, CMT shit that all dumbass necks listen to? God, man, get some Shaver or at least some WIllie. Somebody needs to help Colt out here.
December 4th, 2007 at 2:47 pm
44
Jorgé the Bass Player says:
What the hell happened to country music, anyway?
December 4th, 2007 at 3:08 pm
45
oc phil says:
Jorge: It still sucks.
December 4th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
46
Boozey McHound says:
@31
so does Gainesville.
December 4th, 2007 at 4:05 pm
47
Brian O'Blivion says:
Say whatever you want about country music (I like Hank, Jr), but the hottest women are at country concerts and are country music fans, by far.
I’ve seen bands like Ministry and Rage in concert, and also seen Dirks Bentley. The worst looking girl at the Dirks show was better than anything you will find at a Ministry or Slayer concert. Just sayin’.
December 4th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
48
slap-of-WAC says:
That playlist is 40% “songs that get heavy rotation on country music radio”, 40% “songs they played at your parents’ prom” , plus a Pearl Jam song and a Merle Haggard song (which really should have been “The Fightin’ Side Of Me”, get with it, McCoy). So, um, huuuuh?
On the plus side, he didn’t list anything by Animal Collective, so the terrorists still lose. Go Warriors!
December 4th, 2007 at 4:24 pm
49
Crabapple Buck says:
#38 DevilGrad
Todd Boeckman was actually at a Brad Paisley concert. I don’t know if there is a difference or not.
December 4th, 2007 at 4:31 pm
50
I R A Darth Aggie says:
*chuckles* heh, heh, heh…
December 4th, 2007 at 4:41 pm
51
the croominator says:
#44, Jorge–
Nobody saw them running
From 16th Avenue
They never found the fingerprints
Or the weapon that was used
But someone killed country music
Cut out its heart and soul
They got away with murder
Down on music row
The almight dollar
And the lust for worldwide fame
Slowly killed tradition
And for that, someone shouldhang (”Ahh, you tell ‘em Alan”)
They all say “Not Guilty!”
But the evidence will show
That murder was committed
Down on music row
For the steel guitars no longer cry
And the fiddles barely play
But drums and rock ‘n’ roll guitars
Are mixed up in your face
Ol’ Hank wouldn’t have a chance
On today’s radio
Since they committed murder
Down on music row
They thought no one would miss it
Once it was dead and gone
They said no one would buy them ol’
Drinkin’ and cheatin’ songs (”Oh, but I still buy ‘em”)
Well there ain’t no justice in it
And the hard facts are cold
Murder’s been committed
Down on music row
For the steel guitars no longer cry
And you can’t hear fiddles play
With drums and rock ‘n’ roll guitars
Mixed right up in your face
Why the Hag wouldn’t have a chance
On today’s radio
Since they committed murder
Down on music row
Why they even tell the Possum
To pack up and go back home
There’s been an awful murder
Down on music row
–Larry Cordle and Larry Shell
December 4th, 2007 at 5:04 pm
52
DevilGrad says:
Re #49: Good catch, though I think my point stands. It goes to show you how much attention I pay to any of those guys.
December 4th, 2007 at 5:10 pm
53
Out of Conference says:
#41 – DC Trojan – yeah, it’s legit. Clemson uses it for baseball games during the 7th inning stretch when they re-drag the field. That’s some funny shit.
December 4th, 2007 at 5:16 pm
54
hellx says:
It’s not good when a golfer listens to more kick ass music (all Judas Priest) than your starting quarterback
December 4th, 2007 at 5:32 pm
55
Joey Jo Jo Jr. Shabadoo says:
i wish i’d have known about this when i was making my bet on thanksgiving.
December 4th, 2007 at 6:46 pm
56
okiedomer says:
i fully endorse any blog entry pointing out the failure that is texass football
mack is a mediocre coach at a program with the potential to be a contender every season – i love that vince young convinced the whorn fanbase that mack was a good coach, only to watch you guys come to the slow realization that he’s the same second rate coach that he was back when he lost 5 in a row to Stoops – i will enjoy watching the fanbase turn on him over the next two seasons
also, the judas priest-loving golfer is a texass longwhorn, and by that, i mean he’s openly gay – thus, his love for all things rob halford
December 4th, 2007 at 7:36 pm
57
Holly says:
Yes! Homophobia! Way to represent your school, asshole.
Oh, wait…Oklahoma and Notre Dame? Yeah, no surprise there. (And I say that as an alum of a school that plays neither of yours.) Kindly take your country ass elsewhere, if you please.
December 4th, 2007 at 8:27 pm
58
Peter Bean says:
Okiedomer #56 – you may approve of my post, but 1,000 spits in the face to you, sir. Fuck you and the ignorant horse you just fucked in the ass and rode in here on.
December 4th, 2007 at 8:27 pm
59
okiedomer says:
holly, as much as i appreciate your over-exaggerated faux outrage–OUTRAGE!!!!11!!11!!!–omar uresti is, in fact, openly gay – i have nothing against gay people; i do, however, have something against longhorns
btw, is my post more or less homophobic than the most recent entry on your snarktstic site, which demeans a rival coach and player by depicting them as transvestites? ijust wondering, b/c it’s almost as deliciously ironical as a tennessee native calling an okie “country”
peter, i would say the feeling is mutual, but i’m afraid i’d be accused of supporting your blatant anti-bestiality bigotry – instead, i’ll just point out that both mizzou and kansas are going to better bowls than you – ouch.
December 4th, 2007 at 10:28 pm
60
okiedomer says:
oh, and stephen mcgee threw for over 300 yards on the knitting circle* you call a secondary
double-ouch.
*i have nothing against elderly women, i’m just making a joke
December 4th, 2007 at 10:30 pm
61
Holly says:
Your reading comprehension leaves much to be desired, kiddo. Calling Urban Meyer and Mario Manningham transvestites? No. Just saying they have lovely legs, is all. (By that same extension, if your argument holds, last week I compared John Chavis to Viggo Mortensen, which…no. I love the guy, but his skin is TERRIBLE. Lou Holtz as Mother Abigail from The Stand, however, was entirely based in fact. He is 106 years old and still makes his own bread. And back to the argument at hand–if you don’t think Meyer shares more than a handful of qualities with Hayden Panettiere in the made-for-ABC Family classic Bring It On: All Or Nothing, I don’t know WHAT to do with you.)
Kisses!
December 4th, 2007 at 11:15 pm
62
DC Trojan says:
Brian O’Blivion @ 47: So you’re saying that the Suicide Girl look isn’t doing it for you? Or have the crowds at Ministry concerts mellowed since last I saw them, many years ago? Regardless, only deafness (and being thrown out on my ass by Frau DC Trojan) would make dating a true country aficionado possible, so far as I am concerned.
OOC @ 53. Words fail me.
December 4th, 2007 at 11:51 pm
63
jebus says:
okiedomer – The problem isn’t with what you said; you’re totally within your rights to verbally bash gay people. In fact, it’s nice to see that you’re willing to do it in “public”. And when I see it, I’ll go ahead and let you know that I think you’re an asshole for saying something that I find to be offensive, whether it’s in a comment thread on a blog, or at a bar.
On another note, it’s also the lowest common denominator of humor. I’m personally insulted that you think you’re funny.
Sincerely,
Everyone
December 4th, 2007 at 11:57 pm
64
Beergut says:
“also, the judas priest-loving golfer is a texass longwhorn, and by that, i mean he’s openly gay – thus, his love for all things rob halford”
What part of this is homophobic?
If this golfer is open about his homosexuality, domer’s tying him to texas is not homophobic.
December 5th, 2007 at 5:57 am
65
okiedomer says:
holly – i appreciate your good-humored backtrack, and would like to merely point out re: my reading comprehension that i don’t actually “read,” but merely look at pictures and grunt (which passes for literacy in oklahoma)
jebus – if you’re so easily offended, perhaps you should think about diverting your sports obsession to something that better fits you, like soccer, or perhaps pac-10 football – and for the record, the lowest common denominator of humor is fart jokes, and i doubt you’re so flagrantly anti-american to come out against fart jokes
beergut – exactly – the golfer, like judas priest singer rob halford, is open about his homosexuality – people seem perplexed as to why a golfer would be so into judas priest, so i merely pointed what they have in common (along those same lines, as an ignorant redneck who rapes farm animals, i only listen to toby keith–big dawg daddy 4 life!) – but apparantly by insinuating that “texas longhorn” is slang for “openly gay,” i have set back social progress on the internets by at least 10 years
so, to review:
claiming that i personally rape farm animals = funny and non-offensive
depicting urban myers in drag = funny and non-offensive
saying “texas longhorn” is code for “openly gay” = the worst act of homophobic bigotry in america since the stonewall riots
internet = serious business
December 5th, 2007 at 11:49 am