MAN SEES SIGNS OF FADED FOOTBALL HOPES EVERYWHERE HE LOOKS

by Orson on Nov 29, 2007 2:46 PM EST

Lincoln, NE--(AP) Local man Neil Shurbock sees signs of faded football hopes everywhere he looks, according to friends and neighbors who have become concerned over his overall well-being during Nebraska's increasingly disappointing 2007 season.

Friends are concerned.

"Everything reminds him of how good the Huskers were supposed to be," says girlfriend Tracy Bowles, 28, of Lincoln. "He sees a kite crash to ground in the park, and it's a Sam Keller pass crashing to the ground. He spills a glass of water, and it's our defense not grabbing a pick. It's really straining our relationship."

Bowles said the behavior dates back to the Frank Solich era, but has become exaggerated and even more demonstrative with the now-finished Bill Callahan era.

"We're playing Call of Duty the other night, and all of a sudden he just flips out and starts throwing grenades everywhere screaming, 'I'M JOE DAILEY, I'M JOE DAILEY!!!' Dailey hasn't even played for us in two years, man," says friend Tim Smalley, who's known Shurbock since "the Tom Osborne era." Smalley says he's concerned for his friend's well-being, and fears the new coaching search might tip him over the edge. "He totally killed our whole campaign."

Even the mention of Husker favorite Bo Pelini does not seem to calm Shurbock in his perpetual state of anxiety.

"He starts screaming about Brad Smith every time Pelini's name comes up. '246 yards rushing! 246!' He's like some demented parrot at this point."

The stress has started to affect even the most private of moments in Shurbock's life.

"We were having sex the other night, and I decided to let Brad finish...um...al fresco, shall we say," said girlfriend Bowles, who has sex with Shurbock three times a week on average in a normal week but gets no intimacy for two weeks following a Nebraska loss.

"He was...finishing, and then just burst into tears in the middle of it. I asked him what was wrong, and he said it was just like Todd Reesing spraying the ball all over the field against the 'Huskers earlier this year. "

Bowles' eyes gleamed with tears momentarily, and she composed herself. "I'm thinking of leaving him. I'll have to tell him in football terms for him to understand, like 'I'm firing you just like Frank Solich got fired.' He'll understand that, right? Right?"

Shurbock had no comment on this story, saying he was awaiting the outcome of the coaching search before resuming "the rest of my shitty, lose-to-Kansas like we're...we're...FREAKING KANSAS, for- God's-sake life."

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Comments

Al fresco? Classic.

+100 cocktails to you, fine sir.

Will that be Grey Goose or Patron?

by OllieGator on Nov 29, 2007 2:52 PM EST reply actions

Really daring the Football Gods to smite Florida, aintcha? Better hope The Urbanitor doesn’t kick it in some bizarre dry-erase accident.

by bitterhorn on Nov 29, 2007 2:55 PM EST reply actions

cough

by Holstein on Nov 29, 2007 2:56 PM EST reply actions

Well, as they say out there, “There’s always meth.”

by Brian on Nov 29, 2007 3:03 PM EST reply actions

does this guy have a tattoo of the husker guy in overalls and chuck taylors???

by gerry dorsey on Nov 29, 2007 3:04 PM EST reply actions

Wow. That’s a little too close to home, Swindle.

My lady friend will not be taking questions at this point.

by Land of Os(borne) on Nov 29, 2007 3:07 PM EST reply actions

The only thing that will cheer him up is the biggest Nebraska fan besides him. Definitely NSFW http://melissamidwest.com/main.html

by Crabapple Buck on Nov 29, 2007 3:17 PM EST reply actions

the Tom Osborne era. If they are still alive show me Nebraska fans pre-Devaney and I will be impressed. Those Nebraska fans knew what suffering meant.

by Anonymous IV on Nov 29, 2007 3:26 PM EST reply actions

I’m going to try to convince my girl if I can spray it like Todd Reesing against Nebraska after work.

by Edsall is God on Nov 29, 2007 3:31 PM EST reply actions

Midwesterners have sex?

by Bobby Decatur on Nov 29, 2007 3:42 PM EST reply actions

What about your clan, dude? What about your clan!?!?

by NoleinTexas on Nov 29, 2007 3:47 PM EST reply actions

It’s joyless and awkward, Bobby. Like watching Amish people trying to dance.

by OPS on Nov 29, 2007 3:48 PM EST reply actions

I’m glad that UTenn had an OK season this year. Would hate to hear the “al fresco” bit from a girlfriend when the boyfriend breaks down and says seeing her glazed over like a Krispy Kreme reminds him of Fulmer.

by Out of Conference on Nov 29, 2007 3:52 PM EST reply actions

Goals for the weekend:

1) Finish [i]al fresco[/i]

2) Spray it like Todd Reesing

3) Have her make me breakfast

by dudis41 on Nov 29, 2007 3:56 PM EST reply actions

Hey now #11 – thems amishes can dance

That was one of your funniest reads, 1000 cocktails to you, sir swindle

A friend of mine that is a rutgers fan asked his girlfriend if she thought ray rice would win the heisman while getting some oral favors…. she was more confused than upset.

by Piyachi from lancaster on Nov 29, 2007 3:58 PM EST reply actions

Getting fired like Franch Solich = “It’s not you, it’s me.”

by Brian on Nov 29, 2007 4:04 PM EST reply actions

Neil should turn his thoughts back toward Turner Gill slashing it up inside the tackle during those tender moments. The Wishbone is far more appropriate brain fodder for copulation.

by SonofSamford on Nov 29, 2007 4:21 PM EST reply actions

Yeh throwing grendades and team killing is not cool. Not cool…I’m a SOCOM veteran…..I hate glitchers and team killers, especially from Nebraska….
Im gonna try the Bo Pellini approach to intimacy…
Im gonna get a running start and hit her in the jaw with it……even if she puts her hands up….

by Mr Pelican Pants on Nov 29, 2007 4:21 PM EST reply actions

“Were playing Call of Duty the other night, and all of a sudden he just flips out and starts throwing grenades everywhere screaming, IM JOE DAILEY, IM JOE DAILEY!!!”

That’s odd…I kept doing the exact same thing last year.

by Tar Heel Fan on Nov 29, 2007 4:23 PM EST reply actions

I like how the Associated Press will freely publish sexual innuendo.

by Tim on Nov 29, 2007 4:28 PM EST reply actions

15 -

I invented the Frank Solich!

-football costanza

by Captain Awesome on Nov 29, 2007 4:33 PM EST reply actions

Krispy Kreme genius -Out of Conference

by You Are Tebows' Lunch on Nov 29, 2007 4:41 PM EST reply actions

Osbourne declaring himself the “interim head coach” so he can visit a recruit and then have the new head coach visit the same recruit later on was sneaky and ingenious.

by John on Nov 29, 2007 4:42 PM EST reply actions

This is a Festivus Miracle!

by Mr Pelican Pants on Nov 29, 2007 5:02 PM EST reply actions

#21’s username — Dear God, there are two Tebows now? They’ll kill us all with their laterals to each other, freezing defenses for hours.

by Tim on Nov 29, 2007 5:08 PM EST reply actions

Bowles, I feel for you. Jus the other day, I found myself crying when my brother brought up the fact that if Pelini had been given the HC job at NU for the 2004 season, we might indeed be sporting Urban as our OC, perhaps giving us the inside track to a video-game like backfield of Tebow, Slaton and Rice…

(My apologies. This years results have left manyu Husker fans, like Bowles and myself, in a mad state of delusion. Carry on…)

by skerinKansas on Nov 29, 2007 5:15 PM EST reply actions