I RECOMMEND ME
Bystander: My god, this man’s stopped breathing! Someone call a doctor! NOOOOOOOOW!
Tom Osborne: Hush, little man. Dr. Tom’s here now.
Bystander: Oh, thank god. Look! He’s turning blue!
Tom Osborne: Oh, it’s just a doctorate in education. But I’m pretty sure I’m the right guy for the job. Fetch leeches, son.
You know who I like? Me.Bystander, pacing at Starbucks: Where’s my coffee?
Tom Osborne: Coming right up, young man.
Bystander: This tastes like bleach!
Tom Osborne: And urine, son. Pure urine. That’s a latte, right?
Lonely woman: My husband neglects me.
Tom Osborne: Shhh, shhh. Quiet.
Lonely woman: Ohhh, Dr. Tom, is that a corn cob in your pocket, are you just happy to see me?
Tom Osborne: Well, heh, it actually is a corn cob. I carry it for luck. I’m just being sensitive and comforting without ulterior motives. I’ll leave the satisfaction of your physical desires to my friend and former player Christian Peter here.
University of Nebraska: Hey, Tom. We need an interim head football coach.
Dr. Tom: I know just the man, everyone. I know just the man.
We know this is about recruiting, and being able to put Osborne in homes to talk to blue-chippers directly with a proper and legal title. Still, the Dick Cheney Award for self-nomination goes to Dr. Tom for naming himself as interim head coach.)
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1
Doug says:
Well, he did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.
November 29th, 2007 at 5:03 pm
2
Rob says:
Next up: instead of Turner Gill being hired as the new head coach, he is instead hired as offensive coordinator while TO becomes the full-time head coach for 2-3 years to show Gill the ropes.
November 29th, 2007 at 5:11 pm
3
PW says:
the corn cob line got me.
November 29th, 2007 at 5:12 pm
4
Middle America says:
Blasphemy!
November 29th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
5
Gnarls Woodson says:
Wait a minute…if Osborne is coming out of retirement, he should give the other half of the 1997 MNC back to Michigan.
November 29th, 2007 at 5:19 pm
6
Mr Pelican Pants says:
I guess that means no more thick ass play books,
“Our playbook is simple….we are gonna run between the tackles.. Back to the wishbone, no more of this gimmicky spread option crap for us, no sir…Im bringing Tommy Frazier and his bloot clot back to coach the QB’s…Wheres Crouch? Get him back here too…Lawrence Phillips? Bail him out, we gotta make sure he’s our OMBUDSMAN and on our Team Accountability Leadership Council…Our Diet will be cornbread and BioDiesel Fuel….”
November 29th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
7
Karl says:
When I saw this I thought it was like some failed colonial state brought back the old king (like Afghanistan and Romania did), ostensibly for show, only the old guy still thought he had power and started using it, only the populace was so grateful to be rid of the previous morons they don’t care that the guy can barely wipe his own ass.
Woo expensive education in int’l affairs!
November 29th, 2007 at 5:38 pm
8
LSUJoshua says:
Yeah, he should give back that huge fucking gift of the 97 title. There should be some ceremony halfway between Lincoln and Ann Arbor where Osborne gives Carr some valid trophy and some lame ass rocking chair. Carr would then grumble something about unimaginative offenses and fibbing.
November 29th, 2007 at 5:48 pm
9
gerry dorsey says:
“allow myself to introduce…………myself.”
November 29th, 2007 at 5:59 pm
10
bitterhorn says:
“… I’m a man of wealth and taste.”
November 29th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
11
rudy (not the one from notre dame) says:
it could be worse for huskernation: he could have appointed frank solich.
November 29th, 2007 at 6:05 pm
12
intermountain wolverine says:
Interim AD Osborne announces Osborne to be Interim Coach Osborne.
Osborne?
Osborne.
Osborne, Osborne, Osborne.
Is this the sequel to Being John Malkovich?
November 29th, 2007 at 6:16 pm
13
Albino Tornado says:
I can see Orson waking up with the nightsweats, all beaded up in his manfur, thinking of Osborne stalking, er, doddering along the sidelines with a steely old-Eastwood glint in his eye. There’s a rather famous play sequence of NU against KSU in 95 or 97; Counter Sweep, Counter Sweep Reverse, Counter Sweep Fake Reverse. 3 plays, 100 some odd yards, 2 touchdowns, 2 safeties with broken ankles. We were West Fucking Virginia’s offense first, dammit.
Osborne’s interim HC right now so he can recruit today and tomorrow, nothing more. His replacement will likely leak Saturday in time for the new cycle and be formally introduced Sunday, or Monday at the outside. His wife Nancy’d kill his bony ol’ ass dead if he went back into it full time.
If it were to be Turner Gill, it’d already have been announced, as his season’s over. The only candidates of note (or of semiplausible speculation)whose seasons aren’t over are Pelini, Paul Johnson, and Brian Kelly.
Oh, and Michigan fan? Eat ass. Last I checked, there still should have been time on the clock for Ryan Leaf to beat you. Enjoy the ugly-ass 7th grade shop reject trophy, the three crystal football at Memorial Stadium look so very very nice together. Don’t go hiding in the Pose Bowl with the rest of your slowfooted neanderthal offensively challenged teams and then bitch that you don’t get the big prize.
For Chrissakes, Callahan beat you guys two years ago. How good could you possibly have been?
November 29th, 2007 at 6:17 pm
14
Gnarls Woodson says:
“Don’t go hiding in the Pose Bowl with the rest of your slowfooted neanderthal offensively challenged teams and then bitch that you don’t get the big prize.”
I’m sorry…was there an option to play Nebraska that year that Michigan declined?
And “Pose Bowl.” Oooh! Burn!
November 29th, 2007 at 6:21 pm
15
Coop says:
Albino,
Osborne can continue recruiting until the new coach hires all 9 assistants.
Smart move by the “crusty old fuck.” or whatever Callahan referred to him as.
November 29th, 2007 at 6:26 pm
16
Rob says:
#5 and #7:
Sorry, that won’t happen. I’ve named myself interim co-1997 champions until Tom steps back down.
November 29th, 2007 at 6:26 pm
17
poguemahone says:
“Don’t go hiding in the Pose Bowl with the rest of your slowfooted neanderthal offensively challenged teams and then bitch that you don’t get the big prize.”
A Nebraska fan is calling the Big Ten slow? You’re sitting on a pretty high perch with a defense that gave up less than 30 points a whopping two times all year. Yep, lot of speed and toughness on that team.
November 29th, 2007 at 6:27 pm
18
PW says:
15
What does this year’s Nebraska team giving up a lot (and I do mean a lot) of points have to do with the 1997 championship?
For the record, I think Nebraska would’ve smoked Michigan that year.
November 29th, 2007 at 6:33 pm
19
ya lawya says:
This was nothing short of inevitable – soon Dr. Tom will announce the “suspension” of the search for a new head coach to ensure “stability” with the new recruits. Then the glorious revolution will finally begin. There’s a reason they demand your respect for the POWER OF RED.
November 29th, 2007 at 6:34 pm
20
imisscollege says:
I wonder if I could pass the NCAA certification test
November 29th, 2007 at 7:08 pm
21
Mr Pelican Pants says:
” This is my happening and it freaks me out!”
November 29th, 2007 at 7:33 pm
22
poguemahone says:
16:
I didn’t comment on and didn’t take issue with Nebraska/Mich 1997. What I didn’t like was “with the rest of your slowfooted neanderthal offensively challenged teams” – referring to, if I’m not mistaken, the rest of the Big Ten.
November 29th, 2007 at 7:47 pm
23
the modern gal says:
@ #8 Took the words right outta my mouth.
Osborne probably wrote the NCAA certification test.
November 29th, 2007 at 7:51 pm
24
Land of Os(borne) says:
This mockery will not be tolerated.
63. 36. Good night.
November 29th, 2007 at 8:16 pm
25
Land of Os(borne) says:
@22
Rather: 62. 36. Good night.
November 29th, 2007 at 8:17 pm
26
DT says:
15,
NU’s 36-4 record in games against the big 10 over the last 50 years should say enough about the relative “speed and toughness” of that which you’re trying to compare…At least the last time I checked, Michigan didn’t have the speed and toughness to avoid being wrangled by the same Cosgrove defense that you mentioned.
And yes Gnarles, Michigan declined their option to play Nebraska in 1997 when their big 10 overlords avoided participating in the bowl alliance (with every other major conference, sans pac 10). Nice try at revisionist history…but no one in the big 10 wanted any part of playing NU/Tenn/FSU/UF et al–they just prefered the little safe haven they’d carved out for themselves, which ensured that they could continue to scrape by teams like Wazzu and then cry for the rest of all eternity about “retirement gifts” and how badly they got screwed (for not having thrashed Peyton Manning and about 2 dozen other future NFL stars). And can you believe the Huskers managed to pull off fooling the media into voting them as the MNC…even without the added benefit of Ahman Green’s daddy in the press box politicking for their cause for three hours every week!
Looking back on it now, I guess you could say that Michigan’s ‘97 half-MNC was sort of an “early” retirement gift for Lloyd as much as it was a timely one for TO…after all, if Lloyd had actually been up to the task of beating Osborne, he’d obviously have a few more to his credit by now, no?
I suppose it stings pretty bad to also know that TO could better afford to part with that half-MNC…after all, without it his resume still includes “the greatest college football team of all time” (1995). Take 1997’s half-title away from Lloyd and where does that leave his legacy? “I once beat Florida in the Outback bowl” would seem to sum it up. Tough call there…but keep up the “we got screwed” clamor for another ten years and maybe a non-Wolverine fan might actually start to buy it.
November 29th, 2007 at 8:35 pm
27
Will says:
Early TV reports of Tubbs to Arkansas:
http://nwahomepage.com/content/fulltext/?sid=3df12685d8b33ddfd33b5854a146d34c&cid=9240
November 29th, 2007 at 8:38 pm
28
DT says:
I meant “fooling the coaches into voting them as the MNC” as obviously, the media lapped up Daddy Griese’s hype, hook, line & sinker…
November 29th, 2007 at 8:39 pm
29
Kenny says:
“I don’t know if you know, but I’m kind of a big deal. My apartment smells of sweat and tractor grease. I have many leather-bound books.”
November 29th, 2007 at 8:48 pm
30
Jim Harbaugh Scramble says:
Nebraska fans –
Michigan fans can hang their hat on the fact our program is not as far in the shitter as yours.
We would have beaten your ass in ‘97 anyway. Go Blue!
November 29th, 2007 at 8:50 pm
31
Whohah says:
Orson… a little touchy about Monsieur Osbourne? Still?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VojVTyYWGds
November 29th, 2007 at 9:01 pm
32
John says:
According to wikipedia
,
“Pretty much, Osborne is now the dictator at the University of Nebraska.”
I never thought he wasn’t.
November 29th, 2007 at 10:11 pm
33
Gnarls Woodson says:
DT – I find your insanity ADORABLE.
November 29th, 2007 at 10:13 pm
34
Run Up The Score says:
Wow, this is new. It’s totally not like Tom Osborne to be a totally shady asshole without any semblance of morals or character.
November 29th, 2007 at 10:21 pm
35
corn blight says:
@33 – go yank someone else’s chain, goober.
November 29th, 2007 at 10:47 pm
36
beckett929 says:
isnt this kinda how Palpatine took power in Star Wars?? If Nebraska start building a Death Star, Planet Mangino better go into hiding…
November 29th, 2007 at 10:47 pm
37
Will says:
#30–are they?
The Husker’s D may have sucked like the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked…but they did manage to break 50 points a couple times, something UM’s offense didn’t do (’cept maybe against NW).
And they lost only to Div1A teams.
And how’d the most recent match-up go?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NCAA_football_bowl_games%2C_2005-06#Alamo_Bowl
November 29th, 2007 at 11:32 pm
38
SpartanDan says:
>>> The Husker’s D may have sucked like the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked…but they did manage to break 50 points a couple times,
Well, yeah, that’ll happen when you play in a conference that doesn’t know the meaning of the word “defense”. (Over half of the conference gave up 49 or more at least once. And that’s without the score inflation due to OT we saw in the SEC.)
Besides, it doesn’t matter if you score 50 when you give up 65. Or 76, for that matter.
November 30th, 2007 at 12:10 am
39
LSUJoshua says:
The fun part about all of this? It’s the big 12. Big 12, in case you forgot kids, spells yesterdays has beens.
November 30th, 2007 at 1:36 am
40
rudy (not the guy from notre dame) says:
@30
no, big red would have bitched blue up something terrible that year. just ask peyton manning.
it was nebraska’s trophy in ‘97. you know it tho i doubt you are unable to face the horror of that truth.
November 30th, 2007 at 2:55 am
41
Cock D says:
@DT – “the media lapped up Daddy Griese’s hype, hook, line & sinker…”
Yeah – good thing the media didnt pay attention to Scott Frost’s crying pleas to give Osborne one more on his way out the door.
He could have taken a lesson from “Baby Griese” whose post-game statement was the epitome of poise and not the sniveling whining of bitch boy Frost.
November 30th, 2007 at 8:04 am
42
Hmmmmm says:
This all sounds very familiar….
Is Osborne related to Dick Cheney?
November 30th, 2007 at 8:33 am
43
Michigan is Gay says:
Who’s claiming that any conference is full of has beens? They all suck. Who is really a national title worthy team this year?
As for calling Osborne shady, he gave the guy a second chance because there was no way to fix LP without some sort of incentive, which was football. He also pushed LP out the door after his junior year. Anyone who says he “needed” LP is a moron. Ahman Green (recognize the name?) averaged over 7 ypc that year. Osborne has always stated that he regretted how he handled the LP situation. So blow it out your ass.
And it doesn’t surprise me that a Florida fan would make fun of Osborne…any bad memories of Nebraska?
November 30th, 2007 at 10:39 am
44
Albino Tornado says:
Yesterday’s has beens? Like the way Texas rolled up Bitchagain? How close were the two Texas/Ohio State games? Like the way bad Nebraska teams beat Michigan, Michigan State, Minnesota, and Northwestern?
Spartan fan has zero room to talk about defensive meltdowns or offensive execution, considering what Bo Pelini did to you folks last time we crossed paths.
LSUJoshua — there is *nothing* more ironic than an LSU fan bitching about someone else’s split title. You coonasses bust out the tar and feathers whenever you suspect someone of thinking about referencing USC’s consecutive NC’s.
Nebraska’s defensive coordinator and former head coach were products of the Big 11. I can see why Callahan got out of the Big 11, the conference offense has forsaken.
RUTS — try reading Oz’s account of all of that in one of his books rather than the New Republic hatchet job.
Oz wouldn’t make a Death Star — he’d make a Porn Star.
November 30th, 2007 at 11:14 am
45
Meatybob says:
Yea, really Michigan, there is no way you would have had a chance against Nebraska in 1997. You were nothing more than a one-hit wonder and Neb was the throws of full-on NC lovin. Did Neb had that one bad game against Mizzou? Yes. But Griese would have been lucky to score one touchdown against that Nebraska D that year.
Just……..stop.
November 30th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
46
DT says:
41,
you’ll get no disagreement from me that frost is a little bitch…
1) he’s more Stanford at heart than he is Nebraska.
2) he could’ve squelched this whole LP discussion and could’ve tried to circumvent the whole ugly incident by coming out from the closet that he hid in while it was going on (subsequent to LP freaking out because frost was banging his ex.)
3) (as you noted) he unnecessarily cried like a bitch when Michelle Tafoya stuck a mic in his face, when he should’ve just taken the Grant Wistrom approach and said “You’ve seen us and you’ve seen Michigan…now go ask yourself who you’d rather play against?”
4) in spite of all of this, I was willing to give the guy the benefit of the doubt when I once met him in person…but he was still a complete douche.
As big a bitch as frost is, the difference was that he’s remembered for a 10 second sound bite from an interview that took less than a minute…I’d actually have to log the tapes to find out the exact number of hours worth of babbling that Griese’s daddy devoted to the subject of his son’s team’s superiority throughout that season. The fact that he was allowed to man the broadcast booth for over half of his son’s games is bad enough…the way he used his position to brazenly shill for the Wolverines is the epitome of unprofessional sports broadcasting. Comparing Frost’s bitchy final act to that is quite a stretch…
November 30th, 2007 at 5:29 pm