GUEST COLUMNIST: LOKI, GOD OF MISCHIEF
by Orson on Nov 28, 2007 3:15 PM EST
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PrintOur guest columnist is the Norse god of mischief, Loki.
Ohhhh, mortals you can doubt my frosty fingers' existence, but their footprints are as clear as the melody from a Roxette power ballad: this season has been among my many masterpieces, along with the Ikea chair that looks comfortable but secretly wrenches your lazy fat American back into knots that your pathetically overpriced health care system cannot heal. Excuse me while I break my arm just to have it fixed for free by this beautiful, well-trained doctor with huge tits.
(KERRRRAAAAAAKKKK!!!) OWWWW!!! It stings like fine vodka going down my divine throat! Fix it now, Frieda, and then suck my love in the sauna in front of everyone while we discuss the darkness of this eternal winter and our only comfort against its terror: friendship. And the group sex! WAHAHHHAAAAA!!!! See who is playing doctor now, lady physician person!
Very good, Frieda. Now behold my finest work yet this season:Al Groh, ACC coach of the year. Oh, you dismiss him as being boring like the stereotypical square-headed Swede, going through his days like a mortician on the antidepressants and eating his herring dutifully before going home to have sex of the normal sort with the wife. You forget that from time to time, to feel better, we burn down the house and run into the north woods, forsaking all we know for a moment of lunacy followed by frostbite of the genitals and starvation-induced hallucinations!
No hallucination is that which you see, friend! Al Groh is coach of the year because Loki, in all his mischievousness, flicked extra points and field goals in, blew with his mighty Scandinavian lungs in the field goals which go errant, and gave the Cavaliers of Virginia victories with opponents' fumbles knocked loose with his wild and wonderful god-rod. Groh went 12-12 the prior two seasons, but mischief never sleeps--though when he does, he does it with three women who all understand that love is fleeting, but lust ere returns like the wicked frost sprites of Hjalsburg.
(He also usually shares his love in the Stockholm Seesaw position of which Loki is fond of with one woman charged with bringing refreshments and coordinating lovemusic for our enjoyment while we contract groin muscles in a glorious Viking way on immaculate sheets in well-arranged apartments in clean, safe streets. HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Except for the filthy Turks who clean Loki's apartment. Loki cannot grok multiculturalism. Umm...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)
So Loki strikes again! As he will when Virginia goes back to 6-6 next year, for Loki is bored and must move on to the West Coast, where he will begin tying California ladies in sex knots while lending his assistance to Karl Dorrell, who Loki will protect with a win against USC and bowl victory before entertaining ladies at the Viper Room with a guitar who strings are made from Dennis Dixon's anterior cruciate ligament. My pop songs are infectious and irresistable to all the peoples of the world! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Frieda, more suction! And herring! HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
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I don’t think this is so much Loki’s doing as it is Stewart Mandel’s. Last year, he put Chan Gailey at the top of his “Worst Coaches in D-IA” list, Gailey takes the Jackets to an ACC division title; this year, the dubious honor goes to Groh, and Groh goes 9-3 and gets Coach of the Year honors. If Karl Dorrell can just hang on one more season at UCLA, he’s sure to make the top of Mandel’s list in ‘08, which means he’s going to go 10-2 and get an at-large bid to the BCS.
by Doug on Nov 28, 2007 3:30 PM EST reply actions
So that’s what he’s been doing since being responsible for having John L. Smith be Big 10 coach of the year in ’03.
Coddamn, those were some different times…
by This...Is...East Lansing on Nov 28, 2007 3:39 PM EST reply actions
I thought that when you translated Swedish into English, it automatically fell into an a-b-a-b rhyming scheme – or should that be an a-b-b-a rhyming scheme?
by DC Trojan on Nov 28, 2007 3:40 PM EST reply actions
I don’t think chicks are allowed in the saunas, and yes Ikea makes garbage masquerading as quality. “Oh its European so it must be good!”
by Brian on Nov 28, 2007 3:49 PM EST reply actions
Does this mean that Groh will get fired next year, a la Gailey? Frank Beamer hopes not.
by Millon deFloss on Nov 28, 2007 3:52 PM EST reply actions
Brian, Half of that’s Ikea making garbage… the other half is geography-challenged Americans thinking Swedish furniture (which sucks) is engineered like German automobiles (which clearly do not suck).
by R.D. Baker - Retired Blogger on Nov 28, 2007 3:54 PM EST reply actions
Brian @ 6, Swedish “documentaries” suggest otherwise re: women in saunas. So I’m told, anyway.
by DC Trojan on Nov 28, 2007 3:55 PM EST reply actions
Swedish cars, on the other hand, are not like German cars.
by rocket screen on Nov 28, 2007 3:59 PM EST reply actions
This post gets even funnier if you imagine it being read by the Monarch
by NDTom on Nov 28, 2007 4:05 PM EST reply actions
Also, Swedish whores are not like German whores.
The difference being that the latter often enjoys dabbling in poo.
by Rival on Nov 28, 2007 4:06 PM EST reply actions
Women are forever allowed in the sauna of Loki…for him to penetrate!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
by Orson Swindle on Nov 28, 2007 4:07 PM EST reply actions
- & #10, I don’t know about the general trends, but at Casa DC Trojan, the Swedish car has run without missing a beat for 5 years, as opposed to the German car it replaced (four alternators and two cv joint replacements in 4 years) and the one it outlasted (engine rebuild required after 75k miles? fuck dat spider.)
by DC Trojan on Nov 28, 2007 4:11 PM EST reply actions
Porno not withstanding, I just heard that in those parts, the sauna is like the golf course for business, and since you’re sitting around buck ass nekkid, most women aren’t welcome, or would be heinously uncomfortable, so its like a glass ceiling issue over there, cept its a cedar and steam wall.
by Brian on Nov 28, 2007 4:12 PM EST reply actions
- DC Trojan, Don’t forget that alot of “German” cars are made in SEC country. BMW-South Carolina & Mercedes-Alabama. Just Sayin’…
by Nupe in Va on Nov 28, 2007 4:27 PM EST reply actions
@ DC – #6
Funny. Sublimely subtle, but damn funny. +100 ice luge vodkas to you my friend.
by Great Caesar's Ghost on Nov 28, 2007 4:28 PM EST reply actions
Given UCLA’s record this year, beating Cal and Oregon, while losing to Utah, Arizona, and Notre Dame, I’d say Toki has paid visits out west already.
In fact I see his fingerprints all over CFB this year, as Appalachian State and Stanford would be examples #1 and #2.
and DC @ 14 : Loki says scandanavian cars is dildos….oh wait, that was Toki, nevermind.
by oc phil on Nov 28, 2007 4:36 PM EST reply actions
Finns conduct business in a sauna.
Swedes conduct it over sex, hence: flikor får vara med i bastu, motherfuckers!
Also, I had no idea that Nordic gods read Heinlein. Doesn’t that seem a bit ironic given how Heinlein and Scandinavia turned out, politically, I mean? i suppose, though, that Loki and Thor and the gang can read whatever they want… although I’m pretty sure they’re more into burning and pillaging.
by UgasTexan on Nov 28, 2007 4:50 PM EST reply actions
OT, but here’s a video of all 51 of Tebow’s touchdowns in order:
by Year2-Dave on Nov 28, 2007 4:56 PM EST reply actions
What in the hell did you put in the “media.fastclick.net” space between the article and the comments? I clicked, thinking it was tangentially relevant youtube fare, but it turns out it’s some site that my employer sees appropriate to “log and review all attempts to access.”
Great. Now I have to explain how Loki and his adventures/conquests are relevant to leveraged finance.
by Tricky Dick on Nov 28, 2007 5:17 PM EST reply actions
Slartibartfast: The mice wanted Al Groh to win it and that’s that. I said it wasn’t important. The best laid plans of mice…
by Out of Conference on Nov 28, 2007 5:27 PM EST reply actions
On the other hand, Loki did not make Paris’s top fall off, which is the current ad being served to me on EDSBS. That happens way too often for it to be his handiwork.
by Tim on Nov 28, 2007 6:51 PM EST reply actions
Saving the asses of Al Groh and Karl Dorrell?!?
Oh Loki, you really know how to fuck me over.
by bruinhoo on Nov 28, 2007 11:26 PM EST reply actions
Dad Dammit Loki, you better fix this shit. You made Auburn turn the ball over 5 times to none against USF, you put Elways arm on some walk on at Stanford, you stole Dennis Dixon’s ACL, App State, Les Miles, Colorado beating Oklahoma. SOme of that shits funny, but now we have WVU and Missouri in the national title game. You better fix this shit this weekend or I’m gonna take Mjolner to your god grapes and you won’t be doing anything on the west coast but watching me bang all that tail.
by Thor on Nov 29, 2007 12:00 AM EST reply actions
@ Brian #15
No, most north and central europeans will happily sit naked in a sauna with members of the opposite sex and think nothing of it. My experiance is that men are as likely to be intimidated by being seen naked as women.
As for business being conducted in a sauna, I haven’t seen it but it could happen. There is also the unfortunate fact that in europe women are allowed to run businesses so their presence is often required at business meetings.
by Not a Fifer on Nov 29, 2007 5:55 AM EST reply actions
“As for business being conducted in a sauna, I havent seen it but it could happen. There is also the unfortunate fact that in europe women are allowed to run businesses so their presence is often required at business meetings.”
A business meeting in the sauna is more of a North Jersey type deal as I understand it. In those meetings, being fat, hairy, sociopathic, and Italian is more common than being female and/or Swedish.
by Because They Can on Nov 29, 2007 8:34 AM EST reply actions
- - Unless you’re wearing a wire… and claim your doctor said no heat on your back. Then you get invited on a fishing trip.
by Out of Conference on Nov 29, 2007 9:39 AM EST reply actions
Orson was looking for a new daily topic a-la Mustache Wednesday and Cheesecake Friday. I hereby nominate Viking Thursday!
These kittens have a bucket full of Llllloyds.
http://www.vikingkittens.com/
by tOSU_radar on Nov 29, 2007 10:05 AM EST reply actions
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Geez, I never knew ANY of the words to that song besides “Ahh-Ahhhhhhh” until this moment.
by NRBQ on Nov 29, 2007 11:38 AM EST reply actions
A great disappointment. Instead of the fey Loki from Walt Simonson, or even the craven trickster of Kirby-era “Thor,” we get a cross between Dale Gribble and Goldmember. Still, I credit the effort.
Yes, one can do business in a European sauna. In Sweden it’s usually conducted among beefy Nords slapping themselves with birch strips … but once in the French Alps, I sweated in mixed company with four Dutchmen and a pretty German designer named Anja. Everything in my life since has been crap.
by Dave on Nov 29, 2007 1:03 PM EST reply actions
I stand corrected on the business in saunas issue; I must get one installed in the office, and better looking clients.
by Not a Fifer on Nov 30, 2007 5:55 AM EST reply actions
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