PETE CARROLL'S ENCHANTED GRIDIRON GROTTO

by Orson on Nov 26, 2007 12:39 PM EST

This week's random notes and observations come to you, as always, from deep inside Pete Carroll's Enchanted Gridiron Grotto. It's champagne bath week in honor of the thumping of Arizona State, meaning that champagne is all we're bathing in down here for a while, meaning a helluva ant problem is on the way pronto.

The Grotto this week is brought to you by Jared, who wants you to know that if you're looking for a cheap whore detector, you can purchase a wide variety of them at your local Jared jeweler.

Last night, during EDSBS Live, the discussion board broke out with a long chain on the infamous dog of dubious pedigree that nipped Jerraud Powers, Auburn DB, in the waning minutes of the Iron Bowl. Elroy the Racist Dog, as we'll now call him, elicited the following string of comments that had us barely able to continue the show:

That dog has Birth of a Nation on DVD

That dog hates running quarterbacks.

That dog won't eat peanut butter.

That dog has plenty of black friends. Really! He does!

That dog hated the Cosby show.

That dog doesn't understand why Jimmy the Greek was fired.

Brent Schaeffer still looks, at each game, like a talented athlete attempting the quarterback position for the first time no matter how many games he's actually played under center.

Nebraska's defense would have allowed 35 points to Craig James' flag football team.

He went to Jared to buy me some shiny fossilized carbon! God, you monkeys are so easily impressed. We can't escape from these commercials. One on the radio this morning touted the best name for a pearl necklace we've ever heard: THE LADIES' PEARLMASTER. It's got a Hemi in it made from real lightning! REAL LIGHTNING!

Robert Killebrew again earned the Emily Post award for best etiquette displayed by a linebacker, courteously allowing Aggie defenders to run clean around him and his gentle, supportive tackle attempts all day long. He's earned a spot in the hearts of Longhorn fans everywhere. A lesion, really, from stress and aggravation, one that may very well kill some of them one day in the distant future.

Kept waiting for someone to bare their breasts in the live shots from Baton rouge. Sadly, the only nudity seen during the game was Mike the Tiger lolling on his back in his cage. Full-frontal tiger penis action that got every Chinese pharmacist giddy with the thought of massive profit.

The Father-in-law notes that one of the Aggie cadets has an Eagle Scout badge on.

You could dress yourself up like Timmy in a Rug Rats episode where they all pretend to be soldiers couldn't you? Bucket on head, putter in hand, wearing someone's name Best Buy name tag and a pair of cowboy boots, couldn't you? (Mike Leach co-authored this blurb, and wants you to know it is sponsored by Mike Leach's Pirate School for real football pirates.)

Rodderick Muckleroy, Texas: another fake alias we must love.

During the LSU game, Jacob Hester rolled into the endzone with an Arkansas helmet rolling behind him. There could have been a head in there, and we would not have been surprised.

A fullback dive in a different formation is still a fullback dive--when you hit it right, it's like legal theft. Peyton Hillis did this in stunning fashion in the Arkansas game. When he gets back there, he's only fighting the wind on the way to the endzone. It's wishbone wonderfulish.

In the Longhorn/Aggie game, Fran called a fake FG and got it. In the Missouri/Kansas game, Pinkel did the same on the first drive of the game and got clobbered short of the first down. Stupidity and daring are often the same coat put on different ways.

Les Miles picayune tactics watch: Miles used a time out to stop the clock, possibly giving them Ark. a full minute to score provided they get the ball back. Kirk Ferentz will never do that at Michigan. He'll also have a hell of time winning ten games a year, as Miles has done at LSU.

We'd never, ever want to coach against an Arkansas team in overtime. You don't want to get in a hammer fight with them. That's the only weapon they bring to the fight, and the last thing a fatigued team of any kind wants to see are three hot running backs begging to piledrive a game into submission. It's second to watching Auburn's kickoff

Asshole route on Tennessee's first TD. The press will refer to these as "jerk" routes, but at the heart of the West Coast-lite attack run by David Cutcliffe (and in the pros, Jon Gruden) is a burning desire to make one guy on your defense look like a total fucking asshole. That is precisely what happens as Arian Foster runs through a play-action fake, scoots into the left flat, and up the sidelines for a wheel route TD with no one near him. The collected thoughts of everyone in the stadium practically seethed the word "asshole."

My, Virginia students look conspicuously well-scrubbed.

Hawaii fans celebrated their TDs with the tradition of throwing spare receipts onto the field. Judging from recent reports of fan behavior, those could also be bail receipts. In the universal television conference, only Dog The Bounty Hunter informs us of anything going on in Hawaii, so they must be bail receipts, since the show makes the state look like one long methamphetamine bust with Dog eventually incarcerating everyone, including himself. Leland, watch this guy. I mean, me.

Again, we can't really remember how Virginia scored against Virginia Tech. We never do. A quarterback draw? PI call for 15? Double steal with a suicide squeeze? They're in the lead, and we can't remember how? They play amnesiaball, never doing anything particularly memorable.

CBS played the Killers' cover of Joy Division's "Shadowplay" on a commercial break. Little known is the fact that Joy Division frontman Ian Curtis was an immense Baylor fan. This is also why he hanged himself.

From an uproarious ESPN interview during the USF/Pitt game: George Selvie, on sacks:

"Sacking the quarterback, it's all good...I compare getting a sack to getting honeybuns, my favorite food. They're so soft...so sweet..."

He then maws down on a honey bun he's had waiting as a prop the whole time, and his eyes flood with an almost sexual delight. This, for some reason, moves us. Selvie wasn't putting on an act: he obviously has some sort of metaphysical connection with honeybuns the rest of us don't have. (Mangino Fulmer Friedgen joke content insert here.)

Metaphors you do not have to invent, part one. Bostick throws a pick six. The camera flashes to Dave Wannstedt. He is on crutches. Just like the Pitt football program.

There you go, all on a plate. No fixins' needed.

USF DT Allen Cray gets in a nice bellyflop sack on Pitt qb Ryan Bostick. The kind where Bostick probably pissed himself a bit on impact.

History comes full circle as Matthew Stafford pulls a reverse Godsey on Georgia Tech and rumbles through for a TD on an option play against the Jackets. Stafford likely had the same conversation that Friedgen had with Godsey after the run:

Godsey: "Hey, coach, did you see me pulling away with my speed?"

Friedgen: "George, I don't think they believed you had the ball."

The whole Giggity giggity thing isn't about plagiarism--it's about outright theft from two sources, Big Daddy Drew and the Ernest T. character from Andy Griffith. Jones and Nutt are friends, so it only stands to reason that Nutt would talk like Jones, just with less clarity and with the caps lock on. Remember: amateurs imitate, pros steal, or at least that's what T.S. Eliot said, along with "Mehhh, I can't play sports because of my weltschmerz and bad arches," and "Why, that would be like trusting a Jew, for God's sakes!"

Yay! Audible bullshits and fuck yeahs in the background of the USF/Pitt game.

On CBS, Steve Beurlein says the fake punt Kentucky gets a first down on wasn't planned. This comes after the cameras catch Rich Brooks visibly mouthing "We're going for it" before the commercial break. Great moment in broadcasting, especially when Beurlein convinces his broadcast partner of this after the break.

Metaphors you do not have to invent, part two: Todd Reesing, fresh from taking a sack and ending Kansas' chances of winning a national title or Big 12 title, gets up with a solid ten pounds of dirt stuck in his facemask.

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Comments

Quite frankly, nothing could be worse than being in Klumbya, SC right now…

Because, according to various Gamecock intelligentsia, the Cocks have lost their last 5 games due to officiating.

What a crazy season!

by tigercpa on Nov 26, 2007 12:47 PM EST reply actions

Orson:

In the powerthirst link, you misspelled LIGHTENING. Or maybe they did. Either way, that’s hilarious.

by Seven Years in Gainesville on Nov 26, 2007 12:54 PM EST reply actions

On the contrary, being in Columbia is great! I was able to claim dominion over the entire state via the transitive property this morning.

by Hokie Andrew on Nov 26, 2007 12:55 PM EST reply actions

Has Dave Wannstache ever had any success as a head coach? Anywhere? Ever? And though it was billed as McFadden against #1, that LSU-Arkie game was a duel of the most dangerous ball toting, pass catching fullbacks anywhere. Spread schmead. I love me some fullbacks!

by Because They Can on Nov 26, 2007 1:01 PM EST reply actions

i was on the edge of my seat waiting for “fucks” and “bullshits” when for some reason les miles was fully audible while yelling at officials for a full 20 seconds in the 4th quarter on friday. as usual, i was left disappointed.

by gerry dorsey on Nov 26, 2007 1:02 PM EST reply actions

Steve Buerlein: he’s the guy that repeatedly called Mark Richt “MIKE Richt” during a game last year.

Is it really that hard to find capable broadcasters?

Is it just me or are the best parts of the ESPNU rebroadcasts of CFB when Musberger says we’re going to the studio for an update and there’s no update: just sweet sweet stadium noise and views??? Can we get that for like the whole game?

by UgasTexan on Nov 26, 2007 1:08 PM EST reply actions

That dog wants to expand to the east for living space.

by Sagacious Saurian on Nov 26, 2007 1:08 PM EST reply actions

You have to hear Muschamps’ “Whiskey Tango Fox” after the pride of SEC officialdom couldn’t find their whistles on Sarah Jessica Parker’s not-a-touchdown Saturday night. Roger, Ghost Rider, that one was five by five.

by Will Collier on Nov 26, 2007 1:10 PM EST reply actions

South Carolina did their best to give us that game, as we should have put them away early in the 3rd.

But, Tommy being Tommy, you knew we were going to keep it exciting for the Gamecock faithful.

An extremely underwhelming 9-3, highlighted by a loss to the recently fired Chan Gailey, is still 9-3, I guess.

Hopefully we get that Peach Bowl date with Auburn. Would not be too concerned with them. Don’t want to deal with Arkansas, though.

by Coop on Nov 26, 2007 1:12 PM EST reply actions

Hogs vs Clemson would be a great showdown of rb tandoms though Coop – however, I think you can rest easy with that not happening, the Cotton is Arkansas’s likely destination at this point.

by Jerkwheat on Nov 26, 2007 1:22 PM EST reply actions

Bolerjack kept pulling out the “Mike Richt” just this Saturday. What is with these guys?

UgasTexan, you’re not fooling anyone: we know you crave the “30 at :30” updates, incessantly repeating old news about other sports that you have chosen not to watch.

I have said for some time that what we really need now is a C-SPAN for sports. I’d buy GamePlan every year—pay extra for it, even—if I could get that.

by Blog Goliard on Nov 26, 2007 1:27 PM EST reply actions

Stupidity on TV Dept:

Agree wholeheartedly with the Jared commercial angle this morning.

What’s with all of those jewelry store commercials being put on during a football game? (I think I now have to buy diamond earrings. $%)

Men, this calls for a counter-attack. Commercials by lady-killer John Madden from Tru Value Hardware, especially the ones where he screams a lot about wrenches should be put on constantly on the following shows:

- Ophrah Winfrey Show
- The View
- Desperate Housewives
- The Regis Philbin and Cathy Lee Show

by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Nov 26, 2007 1:31 PM EST reply actions

And from the sports section page 8 headlines of tomorrow’s durham herald-sun…

Tedd Roof fired!

by 3rd on Nov 26, 2007 1:33 PM EST reply actions

I know it was in a pro game yesterday,

But Steve Beauauauauarlein was caught saying “USC thugs, man” coming back from commercial early after a personal foul on LenDale White.

What a douchebag.

by gramsey712 on Nov 26, 2007 1:36 PM EST reply actions

Heh. It hasn’t been “Regis and Kathie Lee” for seven years now. Way to reinforce your manly-man cred by being that out-of-date…and by misspelling the co-host’s name to boot.

looks around nervously

Um…would this be the wrong time to segue to a discussion of cast changes on “The View”?

belches loudly and scratches self, to reassure everyone of own manly-man cred

by Blog Goliard on Nov 26, 2007 1:37 PM EST reply actions

Oahu is West Virginia with better weather and sushi bars.

by hailstate on Nov 26, 2007 1:39 PM EST reply actions

Anyone else hear that Dr. Tom did not ask for LSU’s permission to interview Pellini?

I get that Nebraska is not going after Miles, so perhaps not precisely the same protocol, but that seems to very un-Dr. Tom like.

I wonder if Osborne will bring back Lawrence Phillips as RB Coach.

by Coop on Nov 26, 2007 1:40 PM EST reply actions

More from the Steve Buerlein depaterment this weekend.

He was calling the Bengals Titans game and reffered to LenDale White and the USC Trojans as “Thugs” off camera right when they came back to commercial. You heard it all.

Rivalries die hard.

by Odell 51 on Nov 26, 2007 1:42 PM EST reply actions

That dog thinks rap/hip hop music is just another in a long line of fads that will never last.

by NativeSon on Nov 26, 2007 1:45 PM EST reply actions

What the hell is a “galleria”? A glorified mall?

“We’re the strip mall of jewelry.”

by hailstate on Nov 26, 2007 1:48 PM EST reply actions

I cried twice during the Arkansas/LSU when the Hogs busted out the wishbone from the Wildhog formation. Or it was gravy seeping out of my pores. Friday kicked ass.

by Edsall is God on Nov 26, 2007 1:52 PM EST reply actions

Blog Goliard – Cast changes on The View? I would add a man to the cast, to take the place of Rosie O’Donnell.

by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Nov 26, 2007 1:58 PM EST reply actions

Dook had a coach? Does this mean The Orgeron can be their new leader?

by yoyofutbawl on Nov 26, 2007 1:59 PM EST reply actions

When did biting Auburn players make you a racist? Uuuuh, I mean, WOOF!

by Uga on Nov 26, 2007 2:02 PM EST reply actions

Re: #6 – I’d prefer the “sweet sweet stadium noise and views” for the whole game over listening to Musberger.

by VT Frank on Nov 26, 2007 2:02 PM EST reply actions

ooooohhhhhhdoookgotsbaaskeeetbaaall
nnottttpiilloooowwwsnatttcheeers

by coach O on Nov 26, 2007 2:09 PM EST reply actions

Jared’s money grubbing whores are almost as bad as those Radio Shack ads with the little fuckers who are to lazy to leave their house to go caroling. Granny should flip ’em the bird and take their toys into her house.

by Raider Red on Nov 26, 2007 2:10 PM EST reply actions

#14, #18

Never graduate.

Besides…anyone who has ever been to a tailgate at the Coliseum cannot dispute the tag.

by spartymike on Nov 26, 2007 2:20 PM EST reply actions

“Did I say we’d shatter Tebow’s Heisman chances? I meant to say his hand! Fuck yeah, we shattered his hand!”

- FSU’s Geno Hayes

by SantaBarbaraWahoo on Nov 26, 2007 2:23 PM EST reply actions

to go along with the Jared Jewelers line….this is from Bromberg’s in B’ham. Tacky if you ask me, but alas…

http://www.thebarner.com/BrombergsAU.pdf

by Bottagetta on Nov 26, 2007 2:26 PM EST reply actions

Re: Beuerlein and his color commentary. Perhaps he’s still bitter about the fact that even though he helped get going a 13 year streak over USC, he’s remembered for getting flattened.

by DC Trojan on Nov 26, 2007 2:27 PM EST reply actions

Oh wait, it’s better from this angle.

by DC Trojan on Nov 26, 2007 2:35 PM EST reply actions

Cornelius Bennet would like to have a word with
Steve Beauauauauarlein, and he would like to say it to his face…..mask…..at a full sprint…..without him looking………and he did fumble the damn ball!!

by Mr Pelican Pants on Nov 26, 2007 2:41 PM EST reply actions

That dog will be voting for Tancredo.

Seriously though: what do you need police dogs for at a college football game. Are there terrists about?

by Dess of the T'ubervilles on Nov 26, 2007 2:51 PM EST reply actions

Nutt gone?

http://www.nwaonline.net/articles/2007/11/26/razorback_central/112707nuttgone.txt

by kt on Nov 26, 2007 2:55 PM EST reply actions

The dog at the Iron Bowl is no racist, he’s just a drug sniffing dog. He is taught bite once he has found the scent. On a serious note, I can’t remember what breed those dogs are but they used them when I was in the Air Force and the are ape shit crazy.

by TideInTx on Nov 26, 2007 2:56 PM EST reply actions

Zing!!

by NewAZTiger on Nov 26, 2007 3:00 PM EST reply actions

By the way, you forgot to mention that Oregon and UCLA had a combined 969 PUNT YARDS. Also, their combined number of 1st downs (22) was equal to their combined number of punts. How’s that for special teams play?

(That’s really the only thing I can take away from a game that horrendously ugly)

by D'Jango on Nov 26, 2007 3:15 PM EST reply actions

That dog heads up his community’s chapter of “Hounds for Gentrification.”

by Laugh on Nov 26, 2007 3:20 PM EST reply actions

My wife asked me during the Iron Bowl why there were police dogs at a football game. She then asked me why coaches were escorted from the field by state troopers. I told her to shut up and get me a beer.

(OK, I didn’t really say that. She’s nice enough to let me watch football 400 hours per week, and she never complains. She also hates diamonds. Stick that up your 24-karat choker, Jared.)

by Boston Frog on Nov 26, 2007 3:24 PM EST reply actions

Oh, and that dog really embarrassed himself in the “Borat” movie

by Boston Frog on Nov 26, 2007 3:26 PM EST reply actions

#27

+cocktails to you sir! That made my day!

And speaking of Jared, I can give the old lady a “Pealmaster” without leaving the bedroom and still hold onto my $500!

by Touchdown74 on Nov 26, 2007 3:33 PM EST reply actions

Damn. Nick Saban is shorter than I am. That’s just… odd.

by The Conscience of a Nation on Nov 26, 2007 3:33 PM EST reply actions

Just to clarify— I’m not mocking men shorter than 5’7— there are lots of y’all out there who are smoking hot, and certainly worth forgoing heels for. :)

by The Conscience of a Nation on Nov 26, 2007 3:35 PM EST reply actions

The fucking awesome hierarchy of EDSBS Live shows now goes:
1. Steele show
2. Verne show
3. “That Dog” show

EDSBS Live—the funniest thing that only 100 people listen to.

One more…That dog kind of agreed with Marge Schott. I’m done now.

by robert on Nov 26, 2007 3:54 PM EST reply actions

Nice save, TCOAN.

Rumors are that Fran let his offensive coordinator, Les Koenning, make all the play calls Friday; that’s why A&M’s offense looked so different from the rest of the season. Fran a micro-managing control freak who meddles in playcalling? Say it ain’t so!!!!

by Beergut on Nov 26, 2007 3:56 PM EST reply actions

Oh and I’m hosting a special Gamecock season celebration party—cover band “Two in the Heart” will play selected Elliott Smith, Joy Division and Nick Drake songs. All are welcome to attend.

by robert on Nov 26, 2007 4:01 PM EST reply actions

#40: Awesome.

by Will Collier on Nov 26, 2007 4:09 PM EST reply actions

Glad TCOAN is back…

….but making fun of short people, especially the ones with Napoleonic Complexes ->like Saban’s, is fair game.

by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Nov 26, 2007 4:57 PM EST reply actions

LOL, we talk about the Godsey end run all the time. Listening to it on the Bulldog Feedco & Emagnificationeering Network was delicious….Larry Munson slowly dying and George ending it with the 3 finger salute.

sigh.

What is that sound high in the air
Murmur of maternal lamentation
Who are those hooded hordes swarming
Over endless plains, stumbling in cracked earth
Ringed by the flat horizon only
What is the city over the mountains
Cracks and reforms and bursts in the violet air
Falling towers
Jerusalem Athens Alexandria
Vienna London
The Flats
Unreal

by Nick Black on Nov 26, 2007 5:39 PM EST reply actions

I was down on the field for the Iron Bowl and standing about eight feet away from that dog. It was jumpy from the moment they brought it onto the field. I grew concerned to the point that I nearly moved to another location. Someone should’ve given him some doggie downers or something.

by Reed on Nov 26, 2007 10:22 PM EST reply actions