DEGENERATES: GIVE THANKS
by jebus edsbs on Nov 22, 2007 12:02 PM EST
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PrintGambling is about what's happening now, not what happened last week. If you're into history, go read a book. If you choose to follow the way of the degenerate, then you came to the right place. In the spirit of the holiday, I'm giving you (don't worry, I won't be swaddling you in smallpox dipped blankets) picks -- awesome ones! Let us eat.
USC @ Arizona State (+2.5)
The season began with USC being heralded as one of the greatest college teams of all time. It ends with them facing elimination from the Pac-10 title hunt at the hands of Arizona State on Thanksgiving night in this year's Tryptophan Bowl. What the Sun Devils are doing here is beyond me. They're like Lingering Uncle Larry at Thanksgiving Dinner. He gets invited because he has nowhere else to go but no one wants him there. He shows up early, reeking of dingy strippers, hugs your sisters a little too long, makes lewd remarks about your mom's boobs, and leaves last, but not before he cries about how lonely he is. Which is actually a prophetic description of Dennis Erickson. You did good, Dennis, really. But we know you're always looking for the BBD and none of this really matters to you anyway. It is a big deal to Pete, so stop harshing his vibe and git. USC by a TD.
Texas @ Texas A & M (+5)
For one day, every year, stuffing is king. When else would you reach into a turkey's poop shoot for your dinner? I don't see you wrist deep in a bird's ass in April, but it's Thanksgiving, so it's cool. Nothing says Happy Holidays like scooping grub out of a dirty bird's sweet spot for your beatifically smiling family. That's what this game is: It's stuffing. It's the only time this year when you can bear to watch these teams. The Longhorns' fanbase has been driven mad by inconsistentency all year. Some of the natives are even turning against Mack Brown who brought them a National Championship just 2 years ago. And then there's Coach Fran. Dear, sweet, misguided, Coach Fran. He may not be the worst coach in America, but he has to be the stupidest. And that's what this comes down to, for me. With a win, Coach Fran will be bowl eligible and he can leave with back to back wins over Texas, which is why I'm so sure Texas is going to roll here. Despite what you hear, Texas is not a bad team and their offense is coming around. They've been averaging 43 points a game over the last five, which is the number I see here: Texas, 43-10.
Bye, Coach Fran!
Alabama @ Auburn (-6)
This game is like the Thanksgiving cranberry sauce to me. I don't want to smell it, hear about it, or see it, yet year after year this shit is crammed down my throat. It's tart, slimy, and the crimson hue gives me the dry heaves. So does this game. I hear these teams don't care for each other. Based on the amount of vitriol I hear from both sides, I wish they'd both lose. The Tide are "led" by the erstwhile Napolean, Nick Saban who spent more time this week discovering new ways to become more loathsome than he did preparing for Tubs & The Gang. Tubs spent the week... honestly, who knows what he does? Doesn't matter. Auburn's just better. Tubs has never lost to Bama at home and the Tigers have won 5 in a row overall in the series. They make it 6 this year. Don't let the line scare you, take Auburn to cover.
Connecticut @ West Virginia (-17.5)
I checked 3 different sports books to confirm that this spread was accurate, and it is. This line put a smile on my face like a pumpkin pie in a vat of Cool Whip. The Huskies are third nationally in scoring defense and fifth in turnover margin. They're also 7-1 against the spread in their last 8. Couple that with Pat White's peculiar predilection for fumbling (and minor head injuries) and the fact that Steve Slaton is wearing down (he's averaged less than 4.5 YPC in 5 of 6 games) -- I see this as a dogfight down to the wire. West Virginia may win, but they're not walking away from UConn. Take the Huskies and the points. As a bonus in this game, the Total is set at 50.5. Don't know if that's points or couches ignited; regardless, take the Over.
Missouri @ Kansas (-2)
And now we come to the game of the week and the second oldest rivalry in college football. They call it the Border War, which is awesome, because it's been a pillow fight since its inception. This game hasn't meant anything since Mangino was an A-Cup ('twas the fall of '68). This year it's different with both teams competing for a Big 12 title and a shot at a National Championship. I prefer to call it the Crystal Meth War since both states are more famous for the copious cache of crank they gleefully (and toothlessly) produce. This year, that description is particularly apt since both teams are on a binge of revenge across the Big 12, leaving behind beaten bullies, body odor, and empty ammonia canisters. Both offenses average 42+ pts a game and boast two of the top QB's in the country. Since Missouri lost in Norman, they've rolled off 5 straight, topping 40 points in each. Regardless of what happens next, they are for real. Mount Mangino has done an amazing job with the Jayhawks. He's built a deadly offense (ranked #7 nationally) and a solid defense (ranked #8 nationally). The difference here is a matter of perspective. Kansas is going to play with fear, not of Missouri, but of losing and ruining a perfect season. This makes a team tight and I see them turning the ball over in critical situations. Missouri already lost and I see them playing without fear like they've got nothing to lose. Go with the Tigers here, in the game of the weekend.
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…what, no love for the game that could be the ultimate in Mao! this year?
Humanity Advanced against an inconsistent LSU defense; if a few breaks go the right way, it could be Mao-numental in terms of BCS impact.
by Will on Nov 22, 2007 12:48 PM EST reply actions
Orson, shit, just because I want Mark Mangino to eat the young of every Alabama football fan I know does not take away from this rivalry…
by Wes on Nov 22, 2007 12:57 PM EST reply actions
Oh yea, you owe me 50 bucks from last weeked, by the way…
by Wes on Nov 22, 2007 12:59 PM EST reply actions
O’s running a half-marathon right now.
I stayed away from the LSU game based on both coaches perusing the classifieds for new jobs.
by jebus on Nov 22, 2007 1:08 PM EST reply actions
actually the last time bama beat auburn was on the plains, and Tubs was coaching
by lax7 on Nov 22, 2007 1:20 PM EST reply actions
Thank GOD I’ve got the deed to my house on Kansas. Your picks are about as reliable as Mangino’s left ventricle.
by gary on Nov 22, 2007 3:50 PM EST reply actions
Remeber, if Auburn wins, the terrorist win…..
by Mr Pelican Pants on Nov 22, 2007 4:21 PM EST reply actions
I’d like to see what you can come up with for FIU/FAU and Utah St./Idaho. That should stretch your researching legs quite a bit.
Rivalry Week indeed!
by Raider Red on Nov 22, 2007 4:23 PM EST reply actions
It’s “poop chute,” actually. But Happy Thanksgiving! Go Dawgs/’Hoos/Wildcats!
by Doug on Nov 22, 2007 4:53 PM EST reply actions
They both work, actually, but “shoot” reads better.
by jebus on Nov 22, 2007 5:22 PM EST reply actions
Mangino actually looks kinda trim in that last picture.
Oh, and I’m looking for OU to beat the winner of the Border War, thus opening the door for WFVU, whose offense could give LSU fits in the MNC game, if LSU makes it there.
by PW on Nov 22, 2007 5:33 PM EST reply actions
Anybody see Calvin Johnson playing for the Detroit Lions today? That guy was yanking passes out of triple coverage all while making it look easy. How Reggie Ball had that guy as a receiver and still sucked we will never know.
by stapler on Nov 22, 2007 5:43 PM EST reply actions
#13
Tuberville is now 4-0 as Auburn’s head coach vs Alabama at home.
— Phil Steele’s 2007 College Football Preview, p.39
I don’t want to live in a world where Phil Steele is wrong.
by jebus on Nov 22, 2007 5:53 PM EST reply actions
- - Phil Steele also predicted Boston College, the same BC that was #2 at one point, to finish 6th in the Atlantic Division of the ACC.
Looking back over PS’s predictions leaves me questioning his, “genius.”
I think he had Alabama #2 in the West, as well.
by Coop on Nov 22, 2007 6:21 PM EST reply actions
16
If Phil Steele predicted them to finish 6th in the Atlantic Division, then it’s gonna fucking happen. I don’t know how, but it will.
by PW on Nov 22, 2007 6:35 PM EST reply actions
I don’t know diddly about betting, but every time I’ve checked these predictions, it seems like 3 of them end up dead wrong.
by Magic Hobo on Nov 22, 2007 7:18 PM EST reply actions
#15….
Tubs is undefeated against Alabama at home…..The University of Alabama’s home…..
that’s why we Aubie’s refer to Iron Bowl games played at Alabama as being played on Tuberville Field at Jordan Hare West…..
by KT on Nov 22, 2007 8:26 PM EST reply actions
Charles Barkley’s daughter goes to Univ. of Arizona? Watch for a bukkake tape in the next 2-5 years.
by Domer Guy on Nov 22, 2007 9:11 PM EST reply actions
Color me confused. That dude who looks like Dwight Schrute but with rimless glasses over at TSN picked Arizona State. http://www.sportingnews.com/yourturn/viewtopic.php?t=308642
by zibby on Nov 22, 2007 9:30 PM EST reply actions
OS, the dry heaves are probably a result of your eating “stuffing” (editorial note – no self respecting southerner would eat “stuffing”). Stuffing placed inside the bird is a breading ground for bacterial infection. This could explain your halucinations/dillusions about the importance and gravity of the Iron Bowl.
There’s nothing like sticking it to “the man.” Especially a man who has been Munson’d by his family and every paint-chip gorged bammer in the state.
Ah, the pinky is going to smell even better in every bammer’s face after it has been shoved up Saban’s ass.
by WDBill on Nov 22, 2007 9:38 PM EST reply actions
I should say, Munson’d after such an impressive performance against the Mighty Warhawks of ULM.
by WDBill on Nov 22, 2007 9:40 PM EST reply actions
I’m fairly certain the Blue Raiders have better open field tackling than the Sun Devils
by Mighty MightyMitzu on Nov 22, 2007 9:46 PM EST reply actions
What did you do ,eat the parts that came out of the cavity before the stuffing went in? We stuffed our Turkey with GATOR Meat AGAIN this year. It was so good last year we thought we’d do it again! It was a little harder to find Gator Meat this year, there’s not as many around. Although I did pull for them last year in the MNC game. That being said, you are back on the “Guck the Fators” list ! Geez, that Florida- FL.State game is so great. Oh, have they played it yet? Happy Thanksgiving and a hearty “War Eagle” .
by Dr. Ed PHD.XYZ on Nov 22, 2007 10:36 PM EST reply actions
Anyone else thankful the picture of the turkey hole never appeared on any poon site?
by Allaha on Nov 23, 2007 12:07 AM EST reply actions
Well that was invigorating. Certainly helped offset the tryptophan, at any rate.
by DC Trojan on Nov 23, 2007 12:13 AM EST reply actions
Yes, not a bad win, yet way too many FGs when TDs were achievable. Should have continued passing until they could stop you, and yet they never did. 14 of their 24 pts were INt and a 20-yd drive at the end. Otherwise…………………………boom!
by TrojanRick on Nov 23, 2007 12:18 AM EST reply actions
Regarding USC’s whack job on ASU, I have not seen a beating that bad ever since the US Americans bombed _ (insert whack job Sabanism here).
by Harvey Wireman on Nov 23, 2007 12:43 AM EST reply actions
Pete Carroll is thankful for all of you beautiful angels.
by John on Nov 23, 2007 1:05 AM EST reply actions
You two a$$wipes are still smarting from getting your butts kicked up around your ears in T-town in 2005 I see! That and realizing that you’ll never catch The University of Alabama’s 12 National Championships with your measly 2! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
RollTideRoll!!
by Bama4Ever on Nov 23, 2007 1:27 AM EST reply actions
Glad to see I’m not the only jackass that noticed the chute/shoot error.
by FishFan-GatorMan on Nov 23, 2007 7:12 AM EST reply actions
#30
West Virginia during the War of Yankee Aggresshun
by Bama Apologist on Nov 23, 2007 9:38 AM EST reply actions
ASU had no O-line. Heh, and no defense either apparently. That Rudy Carpenter kid looked strong to quite-strong though.
Applause to the guy doing the field markings: Pitchfork yardage arrows, devil tail on the end of the “5” at the 50 yard line, Turkey drum speared by Sparky’s Pitchfork. Huzzah to all of that.
by Brian on Nov 23, 2007 9:58 AM EST reply actions
I hate to add to the bashing of the Big East, but how in the world is the team at the top of any conference’s rankings this late in the year that big of an underdog to ANYBODY? If a 1 loss Big East team makes it to the BCS championship game, it will be truly meaningless IMO. If you can’t make it through that schedule clean, you ain’t the top of the heap, period. But I loves me some cranberry sauce, especially on a day after Thanksgiving turkey sandwich (though I think jelly might be a more appropriate name).
by Because They Can on Nov 23, 2007 10:53 AM EST reply actions
Bring on the stuffing!
Dernit, with I wasn’t at work…
by bitterhorn on Nov 23, 2007 11:27 AM EST reply actions
- UConn has been doubted by everyone all year, and they’ve used it as motivation, so I’m thankful for the disrespect.
And when the BCS lies in a flaming heap of ruin by 9 PM Saturday, you will have the magnificent guns and razor-edged haircut of Randy Edsall to thank.
I can’t justify or explain it, and I don’t care.
Connecticut 31
West Virginia 30
by ZD from WH in B on Nov 23, 2007 1:59 PM EST reply actions
The Huskies couldn’t put up 31 in Morgantown even if you played the Mountaineers for 12 quarters. Just take your consolation prize and go watch your womens’ basketball.
by montani semper liberi on Nov 23, 2007 3:32 PM EST reply actions
- - Cocktails to you sir for the combining the daughter-of-a-celebrity-athlete with a bukkake reference.
Aubie’s – Skewing a 3 game reference to your win streak in our house is almost as retarded as the “not in this century reference” that included…….1 win.
Actually it is equally retarded. …..No, more retarded.
Fuck all of you. Let’s get it on Iron Bowl style.
by John In Huntsville on Nov 23, 2007 8:57 PM EST reply actions
Tuberville actually lost his first two games in Jordan-Hare to the Tide, the first to Mike Dubose (!), the second a 31-7 loss to Franchione.
by Dignan on Nov 23, 2007 9:18 PM EST reply actions
2001, Jordan-Hare, Alabama beat Auburn 31-7. And Tubs was the coach. You got bad information on this one.
by Joe on Nov 25, 2007 8:33 PM EST reply actions
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