MICHIGAN: A LIST OF CANDIDATES
by Orson on Nov 20, 2007 11:05 AM EST
49 comments
We present our own list of candidates for the Michigan job, since there seems to be a pattern with these going on.
Les Miles. Oh, he coached there, and played there, and met his wife there, so he must want to leave his current job that pays him a gumbo-pot full of money and has him squatting on a state full of absurd talent. The weather's warm, the academic standards are low, so why wouldn't he want to go to a cold place with high-ish academic standards? If Lee Corso thinks it's a bad idea, then intuitively wouldn't you think it's a good idea by default?
He also said that coaching at Michigan is much more difficult than Les's "perfect situation" at LSU because at Michigan the players have to "read and write", whereas at LSU they only have to "read or write".
And he's "a Michigan man." Just like Fritz Crisler, Fielding Yost, or Bo Schembechler! It's a lock!
Bob Stoops/Urban Meyer/Bill Belichick. Throw any name out there, really, because someone will. Have no shame, either, since the deluded Kucinich/Paul wing of your fanbase will ignore any pesky demands reality places on them and toss out the names anyway. Claim some absurd connection if it helps: "He does have a buyout clause." True. And you have genitals, and so does the hot barista who gave you your latte this morning. She will not have sex with you, though, and you will not get [insert impossible good coach already locked down with huge deal] here.
Nick Saban. Oh, he's only saying he's not interested. He's coy like that.
Jon Chait. An occasional contributor for Slate and a senior editor at The New Republic. Attended a Michigan football fantasy camp once for $2500 and wrote vividly about it. Is "a Michigan man" through and through, which has the grumbly traditional types nodding with approval. No experience as a football coach, player, or recruiter besides fantasy camp. Could probably go .500 in the Big Ten in his first year, however, as Michigan continued their coaching search.
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The next Michigan coach is Brian Kelly from Cincinnati. Michigan legend from his work at Grand Valley and one of the directional schools. It’s like Bo 2007. The papers will read “Brian who?” and they’ll beat Ohio State next year.
by Edsall is God on Nov 20, 2007 11:14 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
The year end review of U of Michigan’s 2007 Season will simply read “Shit Sandwich”
by Chips O'Toole on Nov 20, 2007 11:14 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
I hope Chait gets it and graces us with a memoir of his one year as Michigan coach entitled “Paper Fuck Lion.”
by Biggus Rickus on Nov 20, 2007 11:15 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
Don’t forget Spurrier…cuz, ya know, he hates South Carolina!! That shit he said earlier in the season totally wasn’t leverage or anything, he doesn’t like his job!!!!!!!!!!
by robert on Nov 20, 2007 11:26 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
Belichick is just the arrogant type that would fit in well at my alma mater. Thanks for the idea!
by Hemlock Philosopher on Nov 20, 2007 11:29 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
jimmy johnson was seem shopping for a house in ann arbor.
by gerry dorsey on Nov 20, 2007 11:30 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
I love Brian Kelly from his time coaching my Chips – it would pain me to see him in the maize and blue
by Jerkwheat on Nov 20, 2007 11:33 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
TAMU is going to hire Stoops as HC, Meyer as OC and Bellichek as DC. You heard it hear first, baaaaaaaaaaabbbbbbbbbyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
by I R A Darth Aggie on Nov 20, 2007 11:34 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
I just hope our new coach isn’t like lukewarm water.
by maskedavenger on Nov 20, 2007 11:35 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
Could be Tressel… blue sweaters are easier to match with slacks …
Or Tubs… he hears pastey coeds LOVE big ears…
But the OBVIOUS choice is one Houston Nutt… the powers at Michigan are intrigued with moving their Triassic period offense to his new fangled Jurassic period offiense…
by Professor Gundlach on Nov 20, 2007 11:35 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
Anybody think Bear Bryant may be getting fed up with the high expectations in Tuscaloosa?
by Ltrain on Nov 20, 2007 11:35 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
Rich Brooks thinks his name not being mentioned is bullshit.
by SMK on Nov 20, 2007 11:37 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
Stop wastin’ my time
You know what I want
You know what I need
Or maybe you don’t
Do I have to come right flat out and tell you everything?
Gimme some money…
by Oren Incandenza on Nov 20, 2007 11:51 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
Saban will be the new head ball coach at Meechegun.
He will bring in Rudy Guliani-linguini as his defensive coordinator.
And the “Tora, Tora, Tora” Japanese fighter pilot from the movie (the chubby one) as his offensive coordinator. That dude knew how to draw up a game plan!
by Harvey Wireman on Nov 20, 2007 11:53 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
Les Miles is really an Ohio guy, so is Urban and so is Bo. Michigan can grow dope but not winning football coaches.
by MarkItZeroSmokey on Nov 20, 2007 11:57 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
Deep Blue has stated his interest in coming out of retirement and trying his hand at coaching football. He is partial to the whole Michigan Go Blue thing.
by Dawg 05 on Nov 20, 2007 12:04 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
How about…. LOU HOLTHZ!!! Those pep talks are GOLD!
by Professor Gundlach on Nov 20, 2007 12:11 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
You Florida guys ought to know better. Just because it’s warm somewhere doesn’t mean it’s awesome (see Port-au-Prince, Freetown, Baghdad). Poll 100 people who aren’t from Louisiana and I’d bet 99 of them would prefer to live in Ann Arbor over Baton Rouge.
by Brad on Nov 20, 2007 12:15 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
If it’s a new system that’s going to change the course of Michigan football, then the leading candidate shouldn’t be a “michigan man” such as Miles but someone who’s going to completely change the way football is played in Ann Arbor. In which case, the leading candidate should be obvious:
Yarrrrrrrgh.
by Digital Headbutt on Nov 20, 2007 12:17 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Glen Mason’s just sitting around, not doing much. He’s planning to check out the sales at Best Buy and Target on Friday to save some green on holiday shopping. Other than that, he’s free to interview for the position any time.
He’d be glad to add two or three more running plays to the playbook.
by Land of Os(borne) on Nov 20, 2007 12:17 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
The hottest rumor coming out of Ann Arbor is that Bill Martin has arranged for Bo Schembechler’s brain to be implanted into Llotd Carr’s skull. Bo Schembechler’s brain could not be reached for comment.
by blazin on Nov 20, 2007 12:22 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Biggus Ruckus @ #3 — A++.
Most interesting name I’ve seen thrown out comes from this Sporting News piece, which mentions Harvard’s Tim Murphy (an erstwhile Cincinnati coach himself).
by Chuck on Nov 20, 2007 12:26 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
11
That may be true about Tubs, but he hears a lot of things…like gnats farting.
by PW on Nov 20, 2007 12:41 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
- - Vegan teetotalers who don’t like havin’ fun.
by Brian on Nov 20, 2007 12:51 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
If we’re going to throw out the name of someone associated with Slate and New Republic, might as well go all the way. Gregg “Tuesday Morning Quarterback” Easterbrook will be the next Michigan coach. Sure, his football writings are on ESPN these days, but he is by far the best candidate. No punting, no silly blitzing, and instead of tossing the football around for fun he practices handoffs (because passing is already way too prevalent in college football).
by Dante on Nov 20, 2007 1:05 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
If Les Miles were to take the Michigan job, then he will have accomplished the impossible: he will have given the folks in Red Stick someone to hate more than the current Alabama coach.
by Southern Papa on Nov 20, 2007 1:24 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Actually, the 2007 season was a reverse s**t sandwich. The stuff in the middle was pretty good, but you had s**t at both ends.
by snowcrash on Nov 20, 2007 1:27 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I heard John Wooden was seriously considering throwing his name in the hat. Joe Torre is also reported as regretting taking a job so early now.
by Wes on Nov 20, 2007 1:27 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Norv Turner might be available and would be the perfect man to groom Ryan Mallett into a passing fiend capable of beating out Tebow for the 2008 H*i**n and the obvious #1 pick in the 2010 Draft.
by marcillac on Nov 20, 2007 1:44 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I’m sure LSU fans would forgive Captain Taffy if he gave them an MNC on his way out.
by PW on Nov 20, 2007 1:53 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
32 – Oh please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please!!!!
However, The Hat would be more than entertaining enough although as Orson writes there are many reason for such to stay on the Bayou and query whether the Woves will want him.
Still, given Corso’s take we can be sure Les is being measured for bespoke white Michigan hat as we type.
by marcillac on Nov 20, 2007 1:58 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Re #20, if you spoke to people who’ve actually seen Baton Rouge or Baton Rouge coeds, I doubt Ann Arbor would get 40%.
If you limit yourself to elitist blue staters who believe their stuff doesn’t stink, 99% sounds about right.
by Chg on Nov 20, 2007 2:06 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I live in Ann Arbor now, but I might be the 100th guy to choose Baton Rouge, if for no other reason than it’s close to New Orleans.
I’d still totally root for the Wolverines though.
by Dave on Nov 20, 2007 2:15 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Maybe michigan should try App.St.’s coach.
by Hagar on Nov 20, 2007 2:42 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Hey 37,
Best governed and most politcally prestine state in the nation. Every truth to the rumor that Kathleen Blanco is, masterful handling of Katrina in tow, chose not to run for reelection so that she could campaign full time as Hillary’s VP as they work to lock up the South for the Dems.
by marcillac on Nov 20, 2007 2:45 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Having lived in Ann Arbor, it is well…wholesome.
Having been a GSI at Ann Arbor…the students may very well know how to read and write, but they feel both are beneath them.
by Meg on Nov 20, 2007 3:04 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Fielding Yost was not a “Michigan guy” either—born in West, by God, Virginia & played @ WVU 1894-5.
by merle on Nov 20, 2007 3:41 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I nominate Bill Clinton. He could be a Michigan man if you asked him — hell he could be anything if you asked him.
Or Al Gore who is bigger than most offensive linemen and isn’t doing much now that he’s solved the whole global warming thing.
by wvjgrad69 on Nov 20, 2007 4:18 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
#43, you obviously don’t watch 30 Rock. He’s out saving whales.
by robert on Nov 20, 2007 5:16 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Al Gore is too busy inventing shit, like warp drive and flux capacitors.
by Dawg 05 on Nov 20, 2007 10:42 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Al Gore invented the internets, and its radioactive byproduct via wireless modems and bluetooth, is the eating away of the ozone layer, or the effect know as
“Global Warming”…..that my friends, is irony, try to improve the world, and at the same time slowly destroy it, while consuming vast amounts of calories..he is the Question mark in the Riddle wrapped in an Enigma….to hell with this..I’m gonna light me a cigar, down a fifth of whiskey, spray my hair with Final Net, get in my gas guzzling Hummer, go eat me a steak, and hit joggers with my truck door on my way home, screw the enviroment and health….
by Mr Pelican Pants on Nov 21, 2007 1:08 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
Oh, and Orson, any post with regards to les miles to Um should definitely have a healthy dose of the Oak Ridge Boys “Leaving Louisiana in the Broad Daylight” for a soundtrack.
by Meg on Nov 21, 2007 1:33 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
I think Les Miles should coach Michigan, he played for Schembechler, won back-to-back big ten titles and he’s a go-for-it on 4th down coach, arrogant and perfect for us!
by yzerman86 on Nov 22, 2007 6:20 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
yes…Bob Davies! Thats one way to get him off ESPN. Maybe he’d take Bill Curry with him.
Oh, and I thought it was a turd sandwich
by Fred Sanford on Nov 22, 2007 8:37 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
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