We present our own list of candidates for the Michigan job, since there seems to be a pattern with these going on.

Les Miles. Oh, he coached there, and played there, and met his wife there, so he must want to leave his current job that pays him a gumbo-pot full of money and has him squatting on a state full of absurd talent. The weather’s warm, the academic standards are low, so why wouldn’t he want to go to a cold place with high-ish academic standards? If Lee Corso thinks it’s a bad idea, then intuitively wouldn’t you think it’s a good idea by default?

He also said that coaching at Michigan is much more difficult than Les’s “perfect situation” at LSU because at Michigan the players have to “read and write”, whereas at LSU they only have to “read or write”.

And he’s “a Michigan man.” Just like Fritz Crisler, Fielding Yost, or Bo Schembechler! It’s a lock!

Bob Stoops/Urban Meyer/Bill Belichick. Throw any name out there, really, because someone will. Have no shame, either, since the deluded Kucinich/Paul wing of your fanbase will ignore any pesky demands reality places on them and toss out the names anyway. Claim some absurd connection if it helps: “He does have a buyout clause.” True. And you have genitals, and so does the hot barista who gave you your latte this morning. She will not have sex with you, though, and you will not get [insert impossible good coach already locked down with huge deal] here.

Nick Saban. Oh, he’s only saying he’s not interested. He’s coy like that.

Jon Chait. An occasional contributor for Slate and a senior editor at The New Republic. Attended a Michigan football fantasy camp once for $2500 and wrote vividly about it. Is “a Michigan man” through and through, which has the grumbly traditional types nodding with approval. No experience as a football coach, player, or recruiter besides fantasy camp. Could probably go .500 in the Big Ten in his first year, however, as Michigan continued their coaching search.