The post above is not in error: no weekend features a lower pH in the Pac-10 than this rivalry weekend, where tempers simmer and boil over to nearly angry levels between teams. It’s…it’s almost acrimonious, we dare say!

(This isn’t a slap at the Pac-10–it’s mostly a good thing you don’t get so upset you actually shoot your brother and kill him over a football game, which did happen once in Gainesville following a Tennessee/Florida football game. Note that we said “mostly” a good thing.)

First, the Apple Cup opens with the first salvo coming courtesy of married father/ Washington defensive tackle Jordan Reffett, who responded thusly when asked what would happen if one of his kids went to Washington State:

“That wouldn’t be allowed … None of my kids–and I plan on having more–are going to be at WSU, because I want them to be able to get a job someday.”

I like the “I plan on having more.” This is an indicator of a very recently married man; a more experienced one would have said “WE plan on having more,” and only with the explicit permission of his nodding and smiling wife. They’re always counting, Jordan, never sleeping, always keeping score, look at the baby, look at the baby, smile, always keeping score, Jordan. With that diction, you’re out rutting with whatever in-season trollop flashes her bump-hams at you. This will surely cost you at least five minutes of conversation and energy you could have spent on something valuable, like video games, pornography, or your 15th viewing of the film Blow.

The next one is a bit more visual, but immediate. Courtesy of the always fantastic Wizard of Odds: the Bellotti Potti.

The idea of Donald Duck’s eyes barely peeping through a brown-green pool of human refuse as we enter the port-o-potty has now replaced Pennywise peeping through the sewer grate as our nightmare fuel for the ages.

A word of condolences scarcely covers what happened to former Alabama running back Siran Stacy last night on US 84 in Dothan, Alabama.

DOTHAN, Ala. (AP) — A collision involving a car driven by former Alabama football star Siran Stacy killed six people, including Stacy’s wife and four of his children, state troopers said Tuesday.

The former Alabama running back is still in the hospital in stable condition. A fifth child, his three-year-old daughter, was airlifted to the hospital in Birmingham and is in serious condition. The coroner on the scene had this to say regarding the accident:

“It was horrendous …. I’ve never had anything like that in my life and I’ve been doing this for 20 years,” Byrd said. “The truck that hit the car was on the passenger side and the impact was substantial. Everybody in there all died instantly. The kids in the back had seat belts on, the parents did not.”

This isn’t the kind of thing we’d want to live through. This isn’t tragedy. This is the Book of Job. It’s beyond comprehension even on a scale of tragedy. We offer our thoughts and prayers to him anyway in a situation we cannot honestly imagine being worse.

Hey, it’s that guy who looks like Dwight Schrute, only with rimless glasses! And he’s got the to-do list column up at the Sporting News, which mentions among all the football-related content the fact that we’ll be playing shit-tons of the game Rock Band this weekend. If the downloads are available, we’ll celebrate this day of thanks with a rousing family rendition of “Blackened” by Metallica.

If you think this is gay, fine. We’re hot-pant wearing knobhounds for Rock Band, if that’s the case. Thank god for the downloadable Bowie, um…package.

We earlier mentioned Jon Chait, Senior Editor at the New Republic, as a candidate for the job of Michigan head football coach. We regret that there were some inaccuracies in the piece regarding Chait and his qualifications, which we would like to clarify with Chait’s own words right now.

From: Jon Chait
To: Orson Swindle
Sent: Tuesday, November 20, 2007 1:44:38 PM
Subject: You are seriously understating my qualifications to be Michigan ’s next head coach

However, to reiterate, I am not interested in talking about the Michigan job.

We regret the errors. This disavowal of interest only confirms that the editor is, in fact, the current frontrunner for the job, along with Glen Mason, Gary Barnett, Rick Neuheisel, Bill Callahan, Dennis Franchione, Walt Harris, and Rich Kotite. Hey, if you just read that and died, we apologize.

Nick Saban approaches the podium, looking drawn and fatigued. Cameras pop idly. The press conference begins.

Reporter one, wiping donut grease off chin: “Coach, how do you recover from a catastrophe like this?”

Coach Saban:“Changes in history usually occur after some kind of catastrophic event. It may be 9-11, which sort of changed the spirit of America relative to catastrophic events. Pearl Harbor kind of got us ready for World War II, or whatever, and that was a catastrophic event.”

Reporter two, putting down a cup of whole gravy: “Are you sure that’s the right phrasing?”

Coach Saban: “Look, I’m sure it’s the right phrasing. It’s just like the way I would describe John Parker Wilson’s play as ‘AIDS-y.” Which is not what I called it, by the way. I’m just saying that one could describe his play as being reminiscent of an autoimmune disease with no known cure that’s killed millions around the globe. You could say that, that’s all I’m saying.”

Reporter two: “Is that how you’d describe Wilson’s play? AIDS-y?”

Saban: (chuckles.)”No, no. It wasn’t AIDS-y at all. I would never say that about his play.”

Reporter two: “Then how would you describe it?”

Saban: “Holocaust-tastic. That’s the right word, I think.”

Reporter one, dumping the last salty powder from a family-sized bag of chips into his gullet: “Coach Saban, what about the play of your offensive line?”

Saban:”I’d like to say we were raped. (more…)

Yes, we know he compared Alabama’s loss to 9/11. We’ve got something coming up on that. We also know that one of our favorite marketing tools on the planet are online campaigns allowing you to fill in your own data in a canned script to send to your friends. (Showtime’s Dexter widget, where you can fill in your friend’s name on a serial killer’s “To-do” list, fooled at least three people we know. This did not include TCOAN, who made the awesome remark that “You can’t paint that neatly in blood.” We got aroused–is that bad?)

MakeBeliever.com lets you put someone on Santa’s naughty list with a custom message. They’ll also let you use the words “burping” and “farting.” We haven’t pressed the envelope on it yet, though, so let us know about “rusty trombone,” “felching,” and the infamous “Bolivian Omelet,” ok?

We present our own list of candidates for the Michigan job, since there seems to be a pattern with these going on.

Les Miles. Oh, he coached there, and played there, and met his wife there, so he must want to leave his current job that pays him a gumbo-pot full of money and has him squatting on a state full of absurd talent. The weather’s warm, the academic standards are low, so why wouldn’t he want to go to a cold place with high-ish academic standards? If Lee Corso thinks it’s a bad idea, then intuitively wouldn’t you think it’s a good idea by default?

He also said that coaching at Michigan is much more difficult than Les’s “perfect situation” at LSU because at Michigan the players have to “read and write”, whereas at LSU they only have to “read or write”.

And he’s “a Michigan man.” Just like Fritz Crisler, Fielding Yost, or Bo Schembechler! It’s a lock!

Bob Stoops/Urban Meyer/Bill Belichick. Throw any name out there, really, because someone will. Have no shame, either, since the deluded Kucinich/Paul wing of your fanbase will ignore any pesky demands reality places on them and toss out the names anyway. Claim some absurd connection if it helps: “He does have a buyout clause.” True. And you have genitals, and so does the hot barista who gave you your latte this morning. She will not have sex with you, though, and you will not get [insert impossible good coach already locked down with huge deal] here.

Nick Saban. Oh, he’s only saying he’s not interested. He’s coy like that.

Jon Chait. An occasional contributor for Slate and a senior editor at The New Republic. Attended a Michigan football fantasy camp once for $2500 and wrote vividly about it. Is “a Michigan man” through and through, which has the grumbly traditional types nodding with approval. No experience as a football coach, player, or recruiter besides fantasy camp. Could probably go .500 in the Big Ten in his first year, however, as Michigan continued their coaching search.

In a rumor that would make almost no one happy: is Kirk Ferentz a candidate for the Michigan job? Reeeeeeeeaally?