DEGENERATES: GET WELL
by jebus edsbs on Nov 15, 2007 10:58 AM EST
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PrintMistakes were made. Maybe you lost some cash, or the use of your left leg, or the privilege of your girlfriend's vagina, but hey, that's why they call it gambling. Now quit your crying and hobble over here; we're getting right back in the game. As any good degenerate knows, it's only when you're down that you get a taste of the life. They also know that when you're down you bet more money, on more games, in order to get well. It's like makeup sex, only better, because it lasts all weekend and you can do it with other dudes. You have my personal guarantee that these picks are (probably) impregnable.
Oregon @ Arizona (+ 12)
I can feel the lack of trust. It's OK. This is why I'm going to get you back on your feet right now and make this as simple as possible. Arizona is terrible and their coach is Mike Stoops. Oregon is good, really good. Their coach is... well forget that. Oregon isn't looking past the Cats this year either, since last year Arizona handed them their only loss of the season at Autzen in a humiliating 37-10 drubbing (Oregon was a 2 TD favorite). That's not going to happen again. Oregon's playing for a shot at a National Championship and Dennis Dixon is playing for a shot at the Heisman. Arizona is playing for the chance to save Mike Stoops' job. I'm sure they can't wait to play for that asshole for another year. This is your classic prison rape (ow!) game. Arizona will put up a fight early, realize it's useless, and by the second half, they'll be following the Ducks around holding onto their pocket like a good little punk. Nothing makes a Friday at the office/prison yard/massage parlor better than knowing you're already up, so wash the taste of failure out of your mouth and put $100 on Oregon.
West Virginia @ Cincinnati (+ 6.5)
The Mountaineers are coming to town and they're bringing Steve Slaton, the nation's #3 rushing attack, and a shitload of gasoline with 'em. They've outscored the Bearcats 80-24 over the last 2 seasons and their dominance will continue here. Slaton has rolled for 277 yards and six TD's over those 2 games. I'm sure you saw West Virginia's terrifying extended fumbling drills last week in the second half against Louisville, but have no fear, it was only a test. Sit back, relax, watch WFV dominate Cincinnati and be thankful your couch is spared.
Missouri @ Kansas State (+7)
Yes, please. Here's what you have to realize with Kansas State: Bill Snyder isn't walking through that door. Michael Bishop isn't walking through that door. Darren Sproles isn't walking through that door. Josh Freeman is, and he's fat.
I think I'd be remiss if I didn't also point out that Bill Callahan & Co. dropped 73 on the Wildcats last week. This is not what you want to hear when Missouri's on their way to town. The Tigers have scored 38 or more in all 9 of their wins. They also have the best QB in the Big 12 (sorry Kansas guy). This is one of those point spreads that makes my pants feel funny. I thought the line would be closer to 14. Don't let the mascot fool you, the Tigers are tough this year. Take the Tigers to roll.
Oklahoma @ Texas Tech (+8)
I think the Dread Pirate Leach has been at sea too long. Being eccentric only gets you so far, eventually, you have to produce results. 8 wins a year is nice, but not enough for a guy like Leach. He's ultimately failing here, he knows it, and he's got one foot out the door. Oklahoma is just nasty enough to send you on your way with a dime store boot up your ass. You want numbers? Oklahoma is 5-1 against the spread in their last 6 against the Raiders. Did you know that Oklahoma scores 45 pts per game compared to the Double T's 42.5? You don't have to, that's what I'm here for. I'm still not ready to buy heavily into the Sooners, but I am ready to sell everything I have in Texas Tech. Good luck at your next port, Cap.
Take Oklahoma to sail (sorry) past the Red Raiders.
Kentucky @ Georgia(-7.5)
Mark Richt's been born again (how many times is this now?); this time as a decisive master villain with a taste for poor sportsmanship and a penchant for shooting jaywalkers. And I like it. Remember when Kentucky was the belle of the ball? Well now they're the town pump, everyone's taking a turn on them. Black Hat Richt is in line and he's about to get freaky. Kentucky hasn't won in Athens in 30 years. Knowshown Moreno has been averaging 160 yards and 2 TD's per game over the last 4. His dominance on the ground has taken the pressure off of Matthew Stafford. Stafford isn't the guy, but he is the kind of QB who can lead you to 10 wins and a New Year's Day game. Put a week's pay on Georgia.
[Rich Brooks thinks this pick is bullshit.--ed.]
Duke @ Notre Dame (-6)
This game is too corrosive for the college kids playing with their lunch money. This one's for the hard core, nothing to lose, basement dwelling, dirtbag, degenerate army. This isn't a pillow fight or a cripple fight. This game is like Helen Keller necromancing a corpse. And not the hot kind in their Sunday best with a carefully reconstructed face. No, Notre Dame is the bloated floater, coated in canal glaze and smelling of regret. There's nothing romantic about it, this isn't sexy time. Duke has a low self-esteem brought on by significant losses and they've turned to a cold body buddy only because of their desire for an unresisiting and unrejecting partner. They came to the right place. Charlie Chorizo has led the Irish into unchartered territory. Every 3 & out, every turnover, and every loss sets a new school record. This guy is a master at getting the least out of his players and the most out of his opponents. Take whatever Charlie Fried Chicken spends in a week on fast food and bet it on Duke with confidence.
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I told you last week to stay away from the ASU/UCLA game and you didn’t listen to me.
I can’t believe there’s a line on ND/Duke, I haven’t seen any other I-AA lines.
by Edsall is God on Nov 15, 2007 11:02 AM EST reply actions
WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO BET MY ELEVENTY BAJILLION DOLLARS IN THE FLORIDA/FAU GAME???/?
by Mätt on Nov 15, 2007 11:19 AM EST reply actions
Sweet Jesus! I can’t believe you’d even consider putting money on any game involving Arizona when they’re not playing UCLA!!!! Yes, I belive Oregon will win this one, but that spread is too damn big for me to take a chance. Anyway, betting on a Pac-10 game this year is dicier than unprotected sex with an Arizona St. co-ed.
BTW, I am a UofA season ticket holder. It’s kind of like being a KC Royals ticket holder, only the urge to commit suicide is stronger.
by Mark D on Nov 15, 2007 11:20 AM EST reply actions
DISCLAIMER: Sean Glennon’s Jersey is a Georgia homer….
Call Sean Glennon’s Jersey crazy, but Sean Glennon’s Jersey doesn’t think the dawgs will cover the spread…..
by Sean Glennon's Jersey on Nov 15, 2007 11:23 AM EST reply actions
“This game is like Helen Keller necromancing a corpse.”
That one should live in infamy.
by Bobby Decatur on Nov 15, 2007 11:27 AM EST reply actions
You need to update your pix of Richt. See, that was holy water coming out of that bucket at the time…
Today, those buckets are filled with Aguardiente.
by DirkDawggler on Nov 15, 2007 11:28 AM EST reply actions
By the way, Stafford takes 12 next year, if not 13.
by Bobby Decatur on Nov 15, 2007 11:30 AM EST reply actions
re: Oregon @ Arizona
s/Oregon/Florida
s/Arizona/Auburn
hmmm
by Pappy on Nov 15, 2007 11:30 AM EST reply actions
Too many road favorites. Please put much money on the Orgeron +19.5 this weekend. You’re welcome in advance.
by spartymike on Nov 15, 2007 11:38 AM EST reply actions
So, is Helen raising the corpse to do her bidding, or something?
by Techie on Nov 15, 2007 11:40 AM EST reply actions
Plus with this sort of toughness…
WFVU has to roll on the Bearcats this weekend.
by some guy on Nov 15, 2007 11:45 AM EST reply actions
Over/under on the calls Mike Leach doesn’t get…
20
by dudis41 on Nov 15, 2007 11:48 AM EST reply actions
Orson, that looks like Zorro to me – does Coach Arrrrr have a split personality?
Thought I’d never say this, but go dook. ugh.
by yoyofutbawl on Nov 15, 2007 11:52 AM EST reply actions
Haven’t you ever heard it’s not wise to go against a home dog?
by Mr. Egger on Nov 15, 2007 11:54 AM EST reply actions
- - that’s The Man in Black from The Princess Bride.
I think that is the one whimsical movie a man raised in the 80s is allowed to know about…
Too many + numbers, BTW. I don’t think K-State covers. They are, shall we say, circling the drain. Even that Texas win doesn’t look impressive anymore.
by Gentleman Masher on Nov 15, 2007 11:57 AM EST reply actions
If you’re scared, Mr Egger, then don’t place the bets. I think it’s best if you just stick to the “office pick ’em” they pass around on Friday.
You, sir, are no degenerate.
by jebus on Nov 15, 2007 11:59 AM EST reply actions
I’ll bet Urban Meyer’s text message bill on Mizzou to cover!!
by Wes on Nov 15, 2007 12:05 PM EST reply actions
Kentucky as the town pump made me laugh out loud. But the fact that anyone, anywhere could EVER recommend Duke over ND in football w/a straight face warms the cockles of my heart.
by OhioDawg on Nov 15, 2007 12:08 PM EST reply actions
dirkie @ 7. aguardiente. i laughed. i wish evil richt would JUST GO AWAY. ill be at uk/uga this weekend. rich brooks better strap on his big ones. florida needs him.
by m on Nov 15, 2007 12:13 PM EST reply actions
- - OhioDawg
Maybe not the cockles. Maybe more in the sub-cockle region.
by Great Caesar's Ghost on Nov 15, 2007 12:24 PM EST reply actions
19 – You know you don’t have that kind of money laying around….
by Edsall is God on Nov 15, 2007 12:48 PM EST reply actions
“Good morning, Stoops. I’ll probably kill you today.”
The smokin’ hotness of Buttercup is reason enough to give a guy a pass on being able to quote that movie…
by Because They Can on Nov 15, 2007 1:01 PM EST reply actions
But weirdly she hasn’t looked that good in any movie since. Also, her choice in marriage gives me reason to doubt her sanity.
by Chg on Nov 15, 2007 1:10 PM EST reply actions
Jebus,
No prediction on Iowa/W. Michigan epic tilt? How did you guys end up playing them for the last game of the season?
I have never understood why you don’t play Iowa State to end the season.
At any rate, Clemson to cover, I think the spread is at -8 right now.
I would also take Notre Dame to cover. I have seen Duke play in person. There is inept, there is Notre Dame, and then there is Duke.
by Coop on Nov 15, 2007 1:18 PM EST reply actions
“And not the hot kind in their Sunday best with a carefully reconstructed face. No, Notre Dame is the bloated floater, coated in canal glaze and smelling of regret.”
Orson, I never figured you for a TSOL fan.
And I dont even care how she died…
But I like it better if she smells of formaldehyde!
Never on the rag or say leave me alone
They dont scream and they dont moan
Dont even cry if I shoot in their hair
Lying on the table she smiles and she stares
by WDamnE on Nov 15, 2007 1:41 PM EST reply actions
UC will at least cover against WVU. This has to be one of the best match ups of the year in regards to who does what on either side of the ball. Should be a fun game.
Between me and the rest of you…….hedge your bet with a UC victory.
by Odell 51 on Nov 15, 2007 1:45 PM EST reply actions
Ah, a Dread Pirate Rogerts quote. Watch out for the exploding quicksand; that’s what Kentucky running backs will find in Sandford Stadium this Saturday.
by SunDawg on Nov 15, 2007 1:58 PM EST reply actions
#27
O didn’t write that and I don’t know who TSOL is.
by jebus on Nov 15, 2007 2:03 PM EST reply actions
“But weirdly she hasnt looked that good in any movie since. Also, her choice in marriage gives me reason to doubt her sanity.”
Well, she did look pretty good as Forrest’s Jenn-Aaaay, but I’m with you on the choice of spouse issue. The last time I saw her she looked like an Ethiopian kid sans protruding belly. But I can see how being married to Spicoli might affect one’s appetite.
by Because They Can on Nov 15, 2007 2:14 PM EST reply actions
Mike D, NEVER bet for or against your own team. So you shouldn’t even be considering it.
I have to think, though, that when a team beats another team 37-10 one year, the next year will not be a double digit blow out the other direction, if the coaches are the same. The Arizona coaches obviously “get” Oregon’s system. Just like Cal, USC and Oregon all “get” each other’s offenses. Which is why games among these teams are usually lower-scoring than expected.
by Doug on Nov 15, 2007 2:15 PM EST reply actions
Betting on irrational behavior is irrational. Though this is just a fun article, why would anyone bet on the irrationality of football. I don’t want to hear about how the stock market is irrational blah blah…
by Brian on Nov 15, 2007 2:32 PM EST reply actions
Never ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER bet on the Pac-10, especially when it involves Arizona in November. Just don’t do it.
by Hawk on Nov 15, 2007 3:13 PM EST reply actions
Don’t ever bet on Arizona State to cover in the first half, either.
However, ALWAYS bet on Arizona State to cover in the second half.
by Coop on Nov 15, 2007 3:34 PM EST reply actions
There’s something about that Missouri/KSU line that makes me suspect that Ace Rothstein knows something about Chase Daniel’s girlfriend.
by hoopinion on Nov 15, 2007 4:33 PM EST reply actions
Not sure where you get the “Mike Leach is on the hot seat” take…you been watching too much College Football Live? Cap’n Leach would have to pull a Mike Price to get the heave ho, because I don’t know where else we would get a #1 offense, and Mike knows it to.
That said, he needs to get a decent DC this winter, and/or use 75 % of his schollies on that side of the ball.
Take OU, give the points. Even as bad as they have been on the road this year.
by Raider Red on Nov 15, 2007 4:36 PM EST reply actions
“never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!”
IIRC, Oregon is 8-1 ATS this year.
by jfwells on Nov 15, 2007 4:46 PM EST reply actions
Heisman pundit straw poll has Tebow and DMac serving as bridsmaid’s to Dixon. Lets take it down, like FOIA seeking razorback fan. hit it hard.
by Lendale Terry on Nov 15, 2007 5:01 PM EST reply actions
#40
Not sure where you read that I said Mike Leach is on the hot seat, because I never said that. Putting quotes around a misquote doesn’t make it any less incorrect.
I said Leach is tired of Tech and ready to move on.
by jebus on Nov 15, 2007 5:52 PM EST reply actions
Sorry, Jebus, didn’t notice your byline.
Dude, if you wrote the Duke vs. Notre Dame piece and don’t know “Code Blue” by TSOL, you are one sick individual and my hat is off to you, sir.
For those not so familiar with 80’s L.A. punk, go to http://www.truesoundsofliberty.com/online.htm and check out the lyrics section for “Code Blue” then tell me if my reference has no bearing on the Duke @ Notre Dame post.
by WDamnE on Nov 15, 2007 6:42 PM EST reply actions
“so wash the taste of failure out of your mouth and put $100 on Oregon.”
Oh mai Gawd. They’re gonna break mai legz.
by Bench Casey on Nov 15, 2007 10:34 PM EST reply actions
Thanks for the betting advice with Oregon.
See you in Europe!
by Dupay on Nov 15, 2007 10:36 PM EST reply actions
welp, 0 for 1. Who do you work for, Caesar’s Palace?
by Gray on Nov 15, 2007 11:36 PM EST reply actions
oh, and PS – Cincy is gonna roll on WV. They have come through for me big time this year…
geaux tigers.
by Gray on Nov 16, 2007 12:55 AM EST reply actions
is there a “old fashion” newsletter I can subscribe to? After last night’s Ducks loss, I can’t afford next month’s DSL bill!?!?!
by Grandvert on Nov 16, 2007 7:10 AM EST reply actions
Cry me a river, kid! Boo hoo! Listen, we still have 5 games to go so quit your whining.
How do you think Dennis Dixon feels? He had more riding on that game than you did.
by jebus on Nov 16, 2007 10:31 AM EST reply actions
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