For tonight’s extremely important political campaign entitled “Oregon at Arizona,” we bust out the Factor Six Six Factor Preview, where we weigh the six least important factors between the two teams to decide who will be the victor in tonight’s lone chance to prove to the East Coast that Dennis Dixon does, in fact exist Pac-10 game.

1. Mascot
2. Head coach.
3. Team name.
4. General aura.
5. Best roster name.
6. The “Factor Six” factor

This is science. Doubt it and die a fiery death when the evil hand of Werner Von Braun strikes you dead with its cold, logical fury.

1. Mascot

Oregon’s got Daffy Duck wearing a shade of green commonly found in only the most pustulent of infected wounds. Disney and dazzlingly unfashionable duds should have your inner Tim Gunn running into the arms of Wilbur and Wilma Wildcat, who being somewhat scruffy, wizened, and casually dressed in camo (as they are here) pretty much look like half the people who live in Arizona.

Consider, though, the fact that behind the smiling bill and jaunty duds, there lies a killer in the empty, giddy eyes of the Oregon Duck.

That’s a mascot who’ll ride or die with you, lawya.

Advantage: Oregon

Oregon, you’ve been factor’d!

2. Head coach

Oregon. We’ve heard multiple times that of all the guys you would like to have a beer with in the ranks of coaching, it’s Mike Bellotti. (more…)

For the Ohio I roll–a surprisingly competent rap for the Buckeyes. Whoever they are, they earn points for this line:

Made Michael Vick cringe they way we treated them Huskies…

There was no need to bring Todd Boeckman into this, though. When we think street cred, we might think Beanie Wells or Vernon Gholston. But Boeckman? Don't turn him into the Paul Wall of this crew. He's named Todd, and even with a mouth full of golds he wouldn't be any tougher-seeming than a Prius with spinners and an Apple sticker on the back.

MP3 File

Not gay, and that needs to be said if you’re gonna wear that outfit.

Virginia’s fight song is played to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne” and has the following lyrics:

We come from old Virginia,
Where all is bright and gay.
Let’s all join hands and give a yell
For dear old UVa.

Antiquated verbiage is common enough in fight songs, but UVA students have gotten around singing the word “gay” by hollering “NOT GAY!” over the lyric when sung. This counter has drawn the ire of gay and lesbian student groups, who claim the “NOT GAY!” cheer…

“…marginalizes the gay community by creating an environment in which certain people who may or may not identify as gay do not feel welcome.””

So there’s heated student editorials (”Not gay and proud of it,” by a freshman at UVA), a lot of hooting and poop-tossing going back and forth, and flyers being handed out urging people not to sing the “NOT GAY” cheer when the song is sung. The whole thing reeks of tempest-in-teapot, especially when you consider some of the other hidden antiquated or potentially offensive language in fight songs and alma maters.

For instance:

1. Advocacy of murder of outsiders.

Once two strangers climbed on rocky top,
Lookin for a moonshine still.
Strangers aint come back from rocky top,
Guess they never will.

2. Bizarre pagan bear worship, as in Cal’s “Fight for California:”

Our sturdy Golden Bear,
Is watching from the skies,
Looks down upon our colors fair,
And guards us from his lair.

2. Um…intrastate mass homicide, as in Georgia Tech’s “White and Gold:”

So then it’s up with the White and Gold
Down with the Red and the Black
Georgia Tech is out for a victory
We’ll drop our battle axe on Georgia’s head, CHOP!

So, a bit of a tiff about being gay or chanting “not gay” might be the least of a university’s worries, really, what with every other fight song on the planet openly and giddily pushing for the murder of an opponent. (HT: Fesser.)

I have tried to be polite. Now you must die.

One incontrovertible rule of social dynamics is this: the more polite a society and the more structured it is, the more violent someone in said society will be once they snap. Take your average Japanese man placed under a varying amount of stress.

Stress level one, punched in nuts once: “I’m sorry. I’m so clumsy to run into your fist like that.”

Stress level two, punched in nuts twice: “There I go again! Can I purchase a soft drink to smooth this rift between you and me?”

Stress level three, punched in nuts three times: “Oh, how funny! This is getting comical now. Let’s duck into this stall and enjoy some delicious teppanyaki and discuss our families and fortunes together.”

Stress level three, punched in nuts four times: “AAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!” (Stabs you to death with a thumbtack before paying to have your body shot into the sun.)

This seems to be the rule in Nebraska, a polite, farm-raised society of heartland folk who when pushed will be perfectly nice…right up to the point when you allow 76 points to Kansas in one of the worst losses in history. Then they threaten to toss you in a thresher and feed you to the cattle where you will never be found.

The caller, according to the warrant, left messages in which he expressed anger about the Jayhawks scoring 76 points against the Cornhuskers.

In one message, he ordered Cosgrove, “Go back to where you (expletive) came from you (expletive), before I (expletive) kill ya,” according to the warrant.

Oh, dear, that’s impolite. Given the admitted tide of nastiness washing into Cosgrove’s voicemail inbox over the past week, this must have sounded horrifying, like the ghost of Michael Ironside calling from deep in a well wearing a red Huskers’ ski-mask. Either that, or Tom Osborne had Solich call in from an untraceable satellite phone outside of Athens, Ohio after a few margaritas.

Mistakes were made. Maybe you lost some cash, or the use of your left leg, or the privilege of your girlfriend’s vagina, but hey, that’s why they call it gambling. Now quit your crying and hobble over here; we’re getting right back in the game. As any good degenerate knows, it’s only when you’re down that you get a taste of the life. They also know that when you’re down you bet more money, on more games, in order to get well. It’s like makeup sex, only better, because it lasts all weekend and you can do it with other dudes. You have my personal guarantee that these picks are (probably) impregnable.

Oregon @ Arizona (+ 12)

I can feel the lack of trust. It’s OK. This is why I’m going to get you back on your feet right now and make this as simple as possible. Arizona is terrible and their coach is Mike Stoops. Oregon is good, really good. Their coach is… well forget that. Oregon isn’t looking past the Cats this year either, since last year Arizona handed them their only loss of the season at Autzen in a humiliating 37-10 drubbing (Oregon was a 2 TD favorite). That’s not going to happen again. Oregon’s playing for a shot at a National Championship and Dennis Dixon is playing for a shot at the Heisman. Arizona is playing for the chance to save Mike Stoops’ job. I’m sure they can’t wait to play for that asshole for another year. This is your classic prison rape (ow!) game. Arizona will put up a fight early, realize it’s useless, and by the second half, they’ll be following the Ducks around holding onto their pocket like a good little punk. Nothing makes a Friday at the office/prison yard/massage parlor better than knowing you’re already up, so wash the taste of failure out of your mouth and put $100 on Oregon.

West Virginia @ Cincinnati (+ 6.5)

The Mountaineers are coming to town and they’re bringing Steve Slaton, the nation’s #3 rushing attack, and a shitload of gasoline with ‘em. They’ve outscored the Bearcats 80-24 over the last 2 seasons and their dominance will continue here. Slaton has rolled for 277 yards and six TD’s over those 2 games. I’m sure you saw West Virginia’s terrifying extended fumbling drills last week in the second half against Louisville, but have no fear, it was only a test. Sit back, relax, watch WFV dominate Cincinnati and be thankful your couch is spared.

Missouri @ Kansas State (+7)
Yes, please. Here’s what you have to realize with Kansas State: Bill Snyder isn’t walking through that door. Michael Bishop isn’t walking through that door. Darren Sproles isn’t walking through that door. Josh Freeman is, and he’s fat. (more…)

Pizza chain Donatos is sponsoring a “No M” week in the leadup to the Ohio State/Michigan game. Customers are being asked to order without using Ms in their ordering, meaning loads of fun when the recently arrived refugee/asylee/immigrant taking your order has to ask you four times what the hell you’re saying because you needlessly drag an innocent letter into your hate-filled interstate rivalry with another football team. M never did anything to you but be M, assholes!

Given college students’ devotion to cheap, high-energy food like factory-made pizza, the promo makes sense, even if you really do get an air-horn in the face for using the letter M. (Perhaps this is just standard practice at Donatos: random air-horning of customers.) If it truly has caught on as much as promoters hoped, then Michigan fans can look forward to being called “otherfuckers” this weekend for a delightful change of pace from the usual.