DEMOLITION UNDERWAY
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Back in the a.m. Take cover.
November 13, 2007
BLOGPOLL: ENDGAME EDITION
The Blogpoll gets closer and closer to something resembling actual knowledge. We submit our draft for customer review. Give us constructive criticism and receive another blogpoll ballot tomorrow, plus an invitation to get a taste of Swindle Ass Ham, the connoisseur’s meat of choice.
Clarifications, addenda, and further invitations to ass-kissing follow.
| Rank | Team | Delta |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | LSU |  1 |
| 2 | Oregon | 1 |
| 3 | Oklahoma | 2 |
| 4 | Kansas | — |
| 5 | West Virginia | 2 |
| 6 | Missouri | — |
| 7 | Ohio State |  6 |
| 8 | Georgia | 3 |
| 9 | Arizona State | — |
| 10 | Virginia Tech | 3 |
| 11 | Texas | 4 |
| 12 | Southern Cal | — |
| 13 | Virginia | 3 |
| 14 | Clemson | 4 |
| 15 | Florida | 4 |
| 16 | Boise State | 5 |
| 17 | Tennessee | 9 |
| 18 | Illinois | 8 |
| 19 | Boston College | 9 |
| 20 | Cincinnati | 6 |
| 21 | Kentucky | 5 |
| 22 | Wisconsin | 4 |
| 23 | Connecticut | 15 |
| 24 | South Florida | — |
| 25 | Brigham Young | 1 |
Dropped Out: Michigan (#14), Auburn (#17), Florida State (#20), Alabama (#22), Penn State (#23), Arkansas (#25).
LSU gets the nod over Oregon because they are more talented and do not have the injuries at wideout and running back that the Ducks have. Oh, and Glenn Dorsey’s a gravitational hole in the middle of the defense. We’re trying to avoid pitting the two teams head to head and playing out the matchup in our heads simply because that’s not what this is about at this point–it’s about absolute value. LSU’s just deeper across the board, and has played marginally tougher competition. It’s a call on the margins, but we’re making it. Disagreements may be lodged below; in return, see prior offer of ass ham.
Ohio State falls because tOSU still can’t defend a spread offense with good to great talent working against its defense. (wa-HAIII!!! See that good to great modifier, motherfucker! Taking the Northwestern card right out of your hands. The lotus does not fight the wind, nor does the dragon fear fire! wa-HAIIII!!!) They’re still very, very good, but they ain’t peaking, and that will get you Black Diamond sailing downhill quickly at the end of the year.
Plus look at any of the teams above them and consider their level of play, the general trend, and their over all record: is Ohio State playing above any of them right now? We don’t think so, and thus the nine spot for the Buckeyes.
You don’t get anywhere in this conference without Chan Gailey’s approval. The ACC teams are knotted up in the low teens, but the real deciding factor putting Virginia Tech at the Frank Beamer Event Horizon of the tenth rank (where Va Tech always seems to end up) is their flexilicious victory over FSU at home and the fact that they beat Georgia Tech, indicating that they are not potentially horrible. Virginia and Clemson both lost to the Tryptophan Man himself, Chan Gailey, meaning they can, from time to time, play horrible, horrible football.
Virginia Tech has only played one horrible game, and that was against this week’s current number one.
Florida’s below both of them because the secondary is still capable of bursting into flame at any instant. Do not stare directly at them, as intense attention may cause uncontrollable blazes that last for up to four hours. It’s a liability that has been proven to be too much for even the touchdown-chomping Tebow Smash! attack to overcome.
The rest is a complete mess, but give Illinois some cuddles and another tip to BYU for winning their last six games by a combined score of 190-89. They’ll beat the shit out of another hapless, unsuspecting bowl opponent this year again…like UCLA, for example? That’s got Karl Dorrell written all over it with Sharpie.
No Hawaii. If they beat Boise, we’ll rank them. Until then, they’re out.
A STARKVILLE FLYOVER: CRANK UP THE SOPWITH CAMEL!
Mississippi State owns their country attitude: cowbells in the stands, a buttoned-down gameday decor, and that entire section of the stands reserved for those who’ve lost limbs in gruesome farm injuries. (Not true! That’s actually a section in Kinnick Stadium in Iowa.)
How much do they really own it, though? So much so that the flyover for the Alabama game was done by what appears to be a crop duster or the Baron Von Richtofen himself flying all the way from Hell for the game.
Gadzooks! Was that the dashing Wiley Post? Or the rakish Jimmy Doolittle? Or perhaps Amelia Earhart, who overcomes the crippling handicap of having a vagina every time she bravely enters an aircraft! O, those wily aviators! Someday, might they fly to sun?
The little hysterical WOOO! at the end may be one of the most nuanced crowd noises we’ve ever heard: part shame, part acceptance, and part ironic barbaric yawp. Whatever–they can tie weather balloons to pigs and let the recreational shooting crowd loose on them as long as Mississippi State keeps winning. Bowl-eligible means you can fly whatever you want over the stadium, even if it does sound like a motorized go-cart with wings.
A clarification: From reader Bulldog, who invites us to eat him.
That was our President, retired Air Force commander Gen. Robert H. “Doc” Foglesong. It is his Mississippi State biplane. He always buzzes over the stadium before the game. So eat me and the rest of the bulldog nation.
Their president buzzes the stadium in his own biplane? Is he a botanist/humanitarian with a penchant for archaeology, arctic exploration, and jujitsu? Does this man have limits, we ask?
CURIOUS INDEX, 11/13/07
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Our weekly to-do list is up at the Sporting News for your perusal. In writing this, we were reminded that UCLA turned over the ball against Notre Dame nine times. That both coaches are still breathing after such a fiasco is an affront to ancient samurai everywhere, who would have happily spilled their chitlins with a katana rather than face life after such shame. The Boise State/Hawaii game will likely be the lone wormhole into the land of big-shouldered major teams in bowl season, per The Wiz, a fascinating scenario that has the at-large bid currently landing in the Sugar Bowl to face Georgia. If Mark Richt comes out in a red windbreaker and politely murmurs into his headset, throw the college fund at Hawaii/Boise; if they run out to Back In Black, attempt an onside on the opening kickoff, and start cranking dat on the sidelines while drawing unsportsmanlike penalties for excesssive fun, team David needs to start panicking. Joel’s animated blogpoll is up, and features horrible, horrible singing. Sports betting helps the third world dance. Congress’ recent efforts to crack down on offshore sports betting–an American birthright if we’ve ever seen one–are not just cramping your style and keeping you in possession of pesky things like homes, cars, and other things theoretically convertible to “v-chips.” They’re hurting Costa Rica. And when someone hurts Costa Rica, you hurt the world, or at the very least innocent yuppie turistas who frequent the place. Former BetonSports employee Leah Palasis, who immigrated from neighboring Nicaragua, returned from vacation last year to find herself without a job. After a lengthy search, she was hired by a call center but now earns less than half the $1,500 she used to make monthly. The extra income is not all Palasis misses: BetonSports also offered employees private insurance, a game room, gym and tae kwon do lessons, among other perks. ”I mean, Jesus, we had free day care,” she said. No, they’re not accepting resumes. It’s still sod off, thank you very much. Mike Leach still stands by his remarks about Big 12 officiating. A pirate never apologizes, but he does sometimes nod sympathetically as he sails away from your burning, bereft village. Don’t make them touch! And stop with the eye contact! Not football-related in the least, but awesome nonetheless.
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