PETE CARROLL'S ENCHANTED GRIDIRON GROTTO

The rundown from Pete Carroll's enchanted grotto, dictated to a stunning naked woman while we were busy trying to pull our swimsuit out of the intake pipe. We'll be down here all day, since it's nice and we can do EDSBS Live! from here too, 7-9 p.m. EST. Join us and have a Mai Tai, won't you?

Ohio State, loss-enated. We need to watch a replay today, but from what we've seen the crux of the matter was the scrambling of Juice Williams at the end of the game securing first downs and squeezing the life out of the clock. That and the curse of Skip Bayless saying Todd Boeckman was a Hei*m*n candidate. You can't defeat that kind of negative mojo.

Mike Patrick tends to bloat. Mike Patrick could not let Todd Blackledge off the hook for being a natural ectomorph despite eating the gravy-covered delights of college town diners weekly on Todd's food segment.

"I'm amazed you're not five hundred pounds." And then Patrick kept the gravy jokes coming, but not in that friendly, ha-ha way, but in that bitchy, "you-never-gain-a-pound" kind of way. Mike Patrick can't stand it when pretty, skinny Todd eats whatever he wants!

Suck it, Tedford!

Shawn Crable cost Michigan 30 yards in penalties on Wisconsin's first drive, negating a pick on the first drive of the game for Wisconsin. Crable wasn't alone, though--Michigan's usually quarterback-hostile defense looked worse thanks to Tyler Donovan holding onto the ball until the last possible second, practically begging for the game-ending injury he eventually suffered: a huge bruise to the hand streaked with Michigan blue paint fro a helmet.

Jack Ikegwuonu of Wisconsin fought the most fascinating battle of the day, desperately swatting at The Manningham and hoping it wouldn't get angry and run away too far with the ball. Subtract that teeny little 97 yard touchdown, the longest in Michigan history, and he mostly, sort of, kind of did that.

Hey, let's just peek on that USF/Syracuse game for a sec. Allen Cray gets a horrible, horrible INT for USF in the Syracuse game. Off a helmet, lateral, into Cray's hands. This is quite literally what we saw the instant we turned on the game. This was immediately followed by a lightning score by USF, a lazy throw through neglectful coverage on a TD to Carlton Mitchell. The Carrier Dome feels like a mortuary in orange.

Completely out-of-context announcer quote one: "You're all about the O, Dave."--from the Texas A&M/Mizzou FSS broadcast.

in that game, we had a brief window into the head of Dennis Franchione and Stephen McGee when Texas went for it on 4th and 9.

McGee: We're going for it on 4th and goal from the 9?

Fran: Yes, son. I'm gonna make sure we make it with this awesome call.

McGee: By awesome, you mean totally fucking terrible, right?

Fran: You're right son.

McGee: You're gonna make me run a speed option, aren't you? For no gain and a turnover?

Fran: You're damn right son. They'll see it coming, too. Because that's just what we want them to think.

McGee: That we're retarded?

Fran: Yes, son. That we'd rather be eating decorative cake pareils straight from jar.

McGee: Yes, sir.

Texas A&M actually did try this,

Clemson's coaches' shirts look like the ushers' uniforms from Tomorrowland.

Ron Dayne=black Brian Blessed Put some wings on him and a brown leather bandelier, and he's the funky King of the Hawk People.

Arkansas finally started passing when they were down 27-3. Mah txt mssg 4 u hustn Ntt sez: u r so smrt!

Out-of-context announcer quote two:Dave Archer says of Arkansas, "They've tried the backside option." Who hasn't, and like Arkansas, been unsuccessful in the attempt?

Mississippi State had cowbells all over the place in their 17-12 victory over Alabama. A din. Why another group of fans can't decide to bring rape whistles into the stand and wail away when the opponent has the offense is beyond us. Especially because you could have a cheer on the screen like "LEMME HEAR YOUR RAPE WHISTLES!!!" Make this happen, terrible, "Zombie Nation"-loving stadium activity coordinators.

Titus Brown, wear a condom. You have NFL money in your future.

I'm not condemning them. I'm damning them. That's different. Mike Leach continues to run through this life without paying the slightest regard to last week's important policy memo.

"I think it's disturbing that Austin residents are involved in this. People work too hard, too long, there's too much money invested in these games to allow that," Leach said.

"Am I condemning the crew? Hell yeah, I'm condemning the crew," Leach said.

Texas Tech had several TDs taken off the board during their 59-43 loss to Texas.

Air Force running back Chad Hall looks like he's playing for the trip to Pizza Hut afterwards. He got to go back to the pizza bar as many times as he wanted after running for 272 all-purpose yards on Notre Dame as the Irish earn the Iraqi Republican guard award for losing to both service academies in one year in a 41-24 loss to the Falcons. They had the dessert pizza and everything, mom!

Evil Richt was in the house, again. Evil Richt is in full force for Georgia now: livening up the crowd when Auburn audibled, trotting the team out in black uniforms, and getting uncharacteristically angry when a call didn't bend Georgia's way. If he kissed the wife after Florida, Kathy Richt is waking up like Scarlett after being carried up the staircase. You're not turning me out tonight, Kathy! (swoon!)

Rennie Curran really did swim all the way from Liberia to hit you, Brad Lester.

Charlie Weis looks older. Either this season has aged him or he's starting to show the signs of a Dorian Gray deal beginning to go sour.

Perry Farrell singing for Pontiac is further proof that heroin addiction and a bisexual youth in the dregs of Los Angeles can get you somewhere, kids. 50 Cent is so street! He's rapping for Pontiac! With the guy who sang "Ted, Just Admit It!" Fiddy could shoot him, but Perry would just leak sand from the wounds and wind himself back up like Karl Ruprecht Kroenen from Hellboy

Seven touchdowns. If only there were some kind of award that could recognize a player for being the best player in the country regardless of age or location or television exposure, some kind of award...we'd give that hypothetical award to Tim Tebow. 5 rushing TDs, 2 passing TDs, a single-handed demolition of the South Carolina defense. Holly suggested we cover the space shuttle in whatever he's made of; we're at a loss to describe what he is as a player. South Carolina's defense has been hapless, but Florida without Percy Harvin could have been susceptible. Tim Tebow insured against that possibility by himself.

He's the best football player we've ever seen at Florida. Ever ever ever.

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