STEWART MANDEL CAN STICK A BAR OF SOAP UP HIS

I even douche daily. I hate you Stewart Mandel.

Oh, I’m rrrrreal dirty, Mandel. slaps own ass, which Stewart Mandel will have no part of, ever

Next thing you know he’ll be accusing you of living in your mom’s basement.

Wait…there’s something wrong with Hot Pockets?

Who is Stewart Mandel? One things for sure, he aint no Jesco……

Does Mandel not have a blog? Is he telling us more about himself than we realize or ever really wanted to know? I imagine him in a hovel of an apartment with Jenna Fischer posters plastered on the wall for spank material and bathing every other weekend when he’s forced to actually go on location to cover a game. In which case, by God I should be working for Sports Illustrated.

Yes. They’re not food.

Not a fan of Sonic Death Monkey; Kathleen Turner Overdrive is my soap of choice.

Wasn’t Sonic Death Monkey one of the proposed new names for Jack Black’s band in High Fidelity? That and Kathleen Turner Overdrive. Ahhh…. Wait, what? Oh. Fuck Stewart Mandel in his lazy eye.

do you also wear sex panther?? its got real bits of panther in it…so you know its good.

+100 cocktails…this shit had me rolling

Sonic Death Monkey is overrated. The Olive Branch, however, is the shit.

I was walking into a bar to watch a game last year and saw Stewart Mandel strugling to with his alcohol. I couldn’t get close enought to tell what he was drinking because the smell was too strong but I could see that he hadn’t shaved for a longer period than that which has elapsed since a Nebraksa defender last made a tackle.

Wait a minute, I thought Stewart Mandel was mentally challenged and had his own sitcom, and his character was named Corky….had to tell with his glasses on….

Shower puff? I thought for sure it was going to be a loofah.

1. - Sex Panther my ass! A real man like Orson requires Mandom!

I truly forgot he existed until this post. He’s a sniff though.

The closest Stewie has ever gotten to the sweet, musky smell of sexual intercourse was the sweet, musky smell of his 7th grade Sex-Ed textbook.

i hate to be a bitch, but there just aren’t any trees up there. It is Virgin land, but no forest to be had….

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Severnaya_Zemlya

The closest that Stewie has ever gotten to the sweet, musky smell of sexual intercourse was the sweet, musky smell of his 7th grade SexEd textbook….

I feel bad for Stewie. He’s always pining away for whatever celebrity chick talked to him five months ago. He was in Oregon with the proclaimed Van Wilder of campus, yet turned down the opportunity to play beer pong and get dirtysexytime with stoned co-eds. Loser.

Sadly, he’s the best college football writer on the Interwebs.

He does have better servers though.

So you’re saying you can’t get me cheap blow, Orson?

I have dry balls… balls so dry, they explode like dust.

Cicero had better servers.

War Lush! *
(I cannot believe I just wrote that.)
*A big fan of their Prince for shaving, which smells like orange blossoms, which also means you get to hum “The Orange Blossom Special” while you shave.

Severnaya Zemlya? – isn’t that Martina Hingis’ former doubles partner?

Where is the guy from Braves and Birds for his weekly raping of Mandel’s Mailbag answers?

Matter of fact, I am heading over there now to read the verbal disembowelment he is about to give Mandel.

Honestly, I wondered why Mandel agreed to come on your show, O, given that all of you rightfully mock him. He didn’t sound like he was having a good time, but I cut the show off midway through, so maybe he loosened up.

Regardless, I am not a fan of his, especially since he is on Holly’s bad side.

Because, if the ass matches Tebow’s boobs, then…

+100 Cocktails to #23…

Mandel has a mild case of downs and could possibly be the worst sports writer…ever.

Coop,

Holly doesn’t have a bad side.

/sucking up to only vagina in the house

Dude, If I’m a writer, let alone a college football writer, I’m living somewhere SWEET where I can go out drinking 4 nights a week and gett arrested for harassing hot co-eds, some place like Athens, Oxford, Nashville, Austin, Dallas, Shit anywhere ‘cept NYC. Thats the beauty of, not even internet, but Fax Machines. I’d be cool too, and so frat boys would pick up my tab most nights ’cuz Id tell good stories about traveling around to different games and towns, making up stories when needed, like "the time I wrestled Mike V, and the time a wasted Holly Rowe tried to give me head in the Bathroom at the War Eagle Supper Club, but she passed out and knocked her head on the toilet. Stuff like that.

Forget Mandel…prior to this post, I never knew that Lush made products for men. I’m really excited. Mock me if you must.

#30, a hat tip and +100 cocktails to you, sir.

Great post, Orson!

brian @ 30

i’ve done some pretty questionable things in the supper club myself…more specifically in the school bus around back. fuck i miss college.

Jonathan Tu actually used the shower twice when he crashed at my apartment for the Georgia-Alabama game (no homo).

So I have empirical proof that Mandel is talking right out of that ass that he presumably keeps so scrupulously clean.

Ahh yes, Lush products. After last year’s Metro Sexual column where Orson admitted getting $45 haircuts and others suggested Lush products would woo women off their feet, I seriously considered buying a few bath bombs for the Mrs and I to share in the tub. I was all set to hit “Buy” and checkout, when I contemplated what would go down when I pulled out the bath bomb in the tub with Mrs OOC.

Mrs. OOC: What is that?

Me: It’s a bath bomb. It’s from a company called, “Lush.” It’s supposed to make bathing very romantic and exciting.

Mrs. OOC: Why is is fizzing and spweing flower petals and confetti in the water? Who is going to clean up that crap? Wait – you’re not trying to convince me to do anthing crazy in here, are you?

Me: Wait, what? Just forget about the mess for now. It’s supposed to be soothing, relaxing. I bought it for you.

Mrs. OOC: Well, in that case, get the hell out. I’m taking a bath.

After that I decided against the purchase.

And . . . Out of Conference is out of the bathtub.

All you need to know about Hot Pockets can be found in Jim Gaffigan’s bit on said ‘food’.

“Hmmm… directions for Lean Pocket….remove from wrapper, place directly in toilet…”

I woulda been here sooner but I had to shave (utilizing my english badger hair brush & glycerin soap and german razor), shower (headh & shoulders, ivory) and don a fresh change of clothes (only the finest in what the Banana Republic and Dillard’s sales racks can offer) only after applying Chanel Platinum por homme cologne and deodorant. All because of Holly’s short but potent remark. So fuck off Mandel. I knows proper grooming. You wouldn’t know writing about sports if it didn’t involve fellating Tom Brady.

I think we can all agree that Iron Head Heyward opened up the door to metrosexuality when he told us it was ok to use a lather thingy.

Shouldn’t jews stick to writing about the NBA?

Oh yea I really have to thank you for making my christmas shopping 4 people shorter. Soon to be Fiancee – check…. Two Sisters – Check…. Mom – Check….. and I am spent.

Stewy the Square Dept:

Ivan Maisel of the World Wide Neither is a much better college football writer than Stewy Mandel. Come to think of it, most blog writers are better also, more honest, with biases right up front.

Stewy lives in NYC?… no wonder he is way off on his football ramblings. By the time his bedtime comes, footbaww out West is barely getting going…..

…by the way, I heart NYC, with stupid cupid arrow and all….

I can’t prove it, but I doubt Stewie has ever had his name or articles mentioned by Verne on a national broadcast.

You have to hate an object national sportswriter. Those subject SEC writers are OMG OMG the greatest!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8T6iE75g5s

Go Gators!

I’ve long advocated the usage of Lush’s men’s products in this blog – I believe TCOAN and Texy can back me up on this.

Herbalism FTW

Jerkwheat – you’re rapidly killing my stereotype image of Hawg fans. Kick our asses last weekend and come to find out you’re respectable?!?

And Herb #40 – I always liked it when the old barber smelling of Bay Rum aftershave would push the button on the lathering machine behind the chair and rub scalding hot lather on my neck and around my ears before seemingly filleting me with his straight razor. Is that wrong?

If Laura and her bourgeois lawyer friends can’t handle it, then fuck them. Let ‘em riot. We’re Sonic Fucking Death Monkey!

Top five musical crimes perpetrated by Stevie Wonder in the 80s and 90s: go!

Shouldn’t jews stick to writing about the NBA?

and the anti-semitic subtext of all the Mandel-bashing by the SEC blogs finally comes to the surface. Stay classy, y’all.

YOU’VE BEEN SERVED!

Fuck y’all. Hot Pockets are the bomb. Well, at least the next day they are, anyway.

Jim Harbaugh doesn’t care if you wash your legs with that crap, as long as you wash your filthy effing hands…..

’We’re no longer known as Sonic Death Monkey. We’re on the verge of becoming Kathleen Turner Overdrive, but for tonight only, we’re Barry Jive and the Uptown Five.’

Also…for whoever said Mandel is the best college writer in the MSM, that’s bullshit, Feldman is not only a good writer, but he isn’t retarded…which is nice.

dzop,

Obviously your masters in Jerusalem have ordered you to infilitrate college football blogs and spread their deceitful message. Next you’ll be talking about how the so-called holocaust was real.

Me thinks thou doust protest too much. Or, as my seventh grade teacher was fond of saying as I adamantly professed my innocence, “the guilty dog barks the loudest.” Upon further reflection, I thought she was full of it when she said that and it made no sense. Still doesn’t. Protest on….

Bamaleg,

Was that directed at me? I was just being a smartass toward someone who used a comment in a blog to paint any southern blogger who doesn’t like Mandel as an anti-semite. Seems like kind of a stretch to me.

Was that directed at me? I was just being a smartass toward someone who used a comment in a blog to paint any southern blogger who doesn’t like Mandel as an anti-semite. Seems like kind of a stretch to me.

Really? Well lemme be a smartass back to you.

People making fun of Mandel being from New York, that he looks “retarded”.

Mandel don’t look like no down baby—-he just looks incredibly Jewish. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. And as for him being for New York…explain to me again how that bears upon his knowledge of college football?

If you want to pretend like you SEC boys don’t hate on Mandel cause he’s a New York jew writing about your game, you go ahead, but you and I both know it’s bullshit. You don’t hear half as much shit talking about Forde or Fowler or any one of a million MSM college football guys that don’t do work that’s half as good as Mandel’s.

dzop,

Actually, I didn’t know that bloggers didn’t like Mandel. I also didn’t know that “retarded” was code for Jewish or that criticizing New Yorkers was anti-semitic. I actually like him, though now that I know he’s Jewish I’ll have to rethink it. I mean, I’m from the south, so I have to be a bigot. Thank God the rest of the country is bigot-free and can keep us yokels in line.

Biggus

My entry was in no way, shape or form directed at you. With all due respect, I did not even read your entry before I wrote that. It was intended to be a jocular jibe at the article.

Bamaleg,

Yeah, I figured that out a little while after I posted. My bad. I’m slow sometimes.

It even goes in the industrial assembly, so that even our earthiest parts might smell of coffee-aroma and love

A brownfields reclamation project?

Cicero had better servers.

Marcillac for the Classicist win!

I seriously considered buying a few bath bombs for the Mrs and I to share in the tub.

That sounds remarkably like how we ended up having our first child. It all seems like a good idea until someone’s puking on you at 3 in the morning (that could be the missus or an infant, I suppose).

I see an opening here from this post…Not that anyone will see this comment now that its so far down the line, but What I envision is a Blog-cum-Jay Peterman Catalog for finely placed advertising.

Something like this: "So We drove to The Swamp yesterday in my New 2008 Chevy Tahoe wearing my brand new Orange and Blue Shirt Official Game Day Polo, available online, and we stopped for gas at a Flying J gas station and deicided we should try the New Wendy’s Extra Spicy Crispy Chicken Sandwich, which surprisingly only cost $4.99. We later stopped off at our Neighborhood BP where we loaded up on Miller Highlife and proceeded to park and setup our coleman camping chairs, which we found on sale for 9.49 at Wal Mart. Im tellin you, pure cash machine.

dzop,

for the record. Forde sucks massive Southern Protestant dick too.

Folwer is ok.

Sorry, I meant bigoted, myopic, Southern, Protestant, illiterate. That should be accurate.

And until you brought up jewness and looks, I had no idea about Mandel. I knew one thing, that he sucks.