Football, or Special Topics in Calamity Physics?

Doing the same thing for years and years, as the ESPN Gameday crew has, must get repetitive. It’s like marriage without the explosive arguments and firearms. (In case you’re wondering, the Swindle marriage works a lot like Mr. and Mrs. Smith, only with worse endurance, so we usually peter out one or two diving/shooting scenes into the firefight and just agree to order a pizza and make up. Machine guns are heav-ay.)

In an effort to break the rut of doing compelling, ABCSPNDisneyCthulucorp-broadcasted games every Saturday, ESPN’s come up with a noble solution: suicide.

ESPN’s “College GameDay” program, the network’s pregame show, will broadcast live from Williams before the Ephs renew the “Biggest Little Game in America” rivalry with Amherst. The show airs from 10 a.m. to noon, and is also the show’s 150th episode.

“It’s not every day you get a chance to be on ESPN, especially when you’re playing Division III football,” said O’Reilly, a senior middle linebacker for the Ephs.

No, son, it’s not every day this happens. It’s a quirky effort, and one which raises the suspicions that with oil possibly topping a hundred bucks a barrel today, the suits are restricting Gameday to a 300 mile travel perimeter from Bristol. (It’s 1932 all over again! Hoo-ray for old Navy! And go, go you mighty Princeton Tigers!)

The reason as stated by ESPN will enrage Georgia and Auburn fans, who being SEC fans trend toward rageaholism anyway.

“Every year, we look at different unique settings or places we haven’t been,” said ESPN communications spokesperson Michael Humes. “Something that has a compelling storyline. This particular week, there wasn’t anything in the Division I ranks that was a clear-cut top game.

“This is a great time and a great moment to visit this rivalry that’s clearly one of the oldest in college football.”

The game isn’t without its laurels: it’s the oldest D-3 rivalry, and once featured Amherst attempting to sneak a player on the field wearing a Williams jersey. Also, one time, at the Williams/Amherst game, Boopsie got so snozzled on sloe gin fizzes she fell down the bleachers and gave all the gents a good look-see at her bloomers! Oh, what halcyon times! Her negro manservant had quite a time getting her upended after that one!

For the size queens of D-1 football, you may as well skip the broadcast if this is any indicator:

“In my 10 years here, I’ve never seen less than 10,000 people at a game, even at the 0-0 downpour in 1995,” says Quinn. “It’s just a tremendous event — in the state, in the region and really across the country.”

Did we mention Corso might put on a purple cow’s head, though? If you take some mescaline or maybe enough jenkem, this could make it worth it. Almost.