You know how you’ll decide this thing: just like Clayton Bigsby decides it.

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The BCS vacillates between putting two consensus number one teams in a bowl game–like Texas vs. USC yay the system works!–to at best a disputable matchup like Florida/Ohio State, a game only certain with the gift of hindsight. When one-loss teams pile up, you’ll be forced to choose between teams, and you’ll do it the way people have been doing their important decision-making for millennia: prejudicially.

Your guide to football prejudice for each possible national title follows below.

Kansas

Pertinent Prejudices: Their fans are meth-smoking fiends trying desperately to flee their desolate, ancient grain-silo haunted surroundings. “Waving the Wheat” is weak sauce for a crowd cheer. You still in your heart of hearts believe tornadoes are the fourth biggest threat to their campaign. The first are the murderous child fundamentalists waiting to sacrifice the team to the beastgod who lives in the field; the second are highway killers with fifties haircuts; and the third, of course, is crushing boredom.

Their coach is fat, too. Planet fat. There’s a serious predjudice right there, since a man that big might inhale any trophies or microphones placed in front of him.

Oregon

Pertinent prejudices: Hippies. Stinking, no-good, football-hating hippies struck with the luck of having a gazillionaire loon like Phil Knight subsidizing their football program. And they play on the West Coast. They’re closer to China than they are to Bear Bryant or Woody Hayes’ corpse, and probably commies just lyin’ in the grass to take your guns and tax you till the hair falls off your nutsack. They might not even play with pigskin–it’s probably some cruelty-free ball produced from laytex and soycrap made in a factory with a big sign that says “This Is A Safe Place for Women”–just like the sign they should hang over the whole damn Pac-10.

Ohio State

Pertinent prejudices: 41-14! 41-14! Loss in last year’s title game and 41-14! WOOOOOOO ESS-EEEEE-SEEEEEEEEEE!!!! 41-14! Repeat that for ten minutes or so, and you’ll get to the crux of the argument right quick.


ESS-EEEE-SEEE WOOOOOOOOOO!!!! It’s not going away easily.

Also: fans poop in coolers, crave the taste of teargas, and raze cities to the ground on departure for their desolate state filled with dreary farmland the hollow, burnt-out shells of the rotting American manufacturing sector.

Missouri

Pertinent prejudices: Missouri! It’s where you drink malts and ride in cars with fins on the way to the big game, or maybe the bowling alley for a few frames with your pals! No one knows anything about Missouri, and we’d be a plug nickel most people in the United States couldn’t find it on a map. Really. Their fingers would be hovering over Cuba or Wyoming before they found Missouri, their fingers curled around a cold bottle of Brawndo.

John Ashcroft is from Missouri, and he covered up the tits of Lady Justice when he was at the Justice Department. So there’s that, at least: Missouri hates tits. This might scuttle any favor they hoped to encourage at all from the start, because in our world, Lady Justice operates with a blazing sword and a pair of flawless tits that bounce on her chest like gumdrop-topped jello casseroles from heaven.

LSU

Pertinent prejudices: Corrupt, mongrel, swampdwelling cheats riding through life on an airboat filled with siphoned gasoline and stuffed to the gills with guns, rancid butter, and animal hide and attending massive, orgiastic parties nightly despite suffering from four types of visible cancerous tumors. Fond of both murder and parties, and fonder of the combination thereof. Unemployed. Cheated or bribed their way to wherever they are in a most festive fashion that no one seemed to mind, really. Carrying a gun? No. Carrying guns? Oh, yes.

Coached by man in goofy white hat. Argument: One loss and the SEC champ. Counterargument: look, funny man go for it on fourth down with huge white hat! Repeat ad infinitum.

Oklahoma

Pertinent predjudices: Once coached by Barry Switzer, so cheats to the bone no matter who’s in charge. Like Kansas, very meth-y. Currently fanned by both Toby Keith and Garth Brooks, so may be judged to be the most love-handlephilic team, celebrity-wise. Mysteriously successful for a state abandoned and designated as a reserve for wolves and mutant freshwater catfish in 1935. Politically, had bold stand taken by Senator Tom Coburn, who suggested that all-girls schools in the state were dangerous because they led to “rampant lesbianism.”

He has a problem with this, which may affect Oklahoma’s votes in the important “pigmale” demographic. Oklahoma’s collapse in back-to-back national title games against LSU and USC don’t help the PR fight, either, along with a loss to Boise State in the Fiesta Bowl last year.

West Virginia

Pertinent Prejudices: We can’t really think of any, actually. Nope. None. Move along. Nothing serious

Connecticut.

Pertinent prejudices: We know a lot of shit about a lot of shit. For instance, did you know that Karl Marx was such a dirty bastard his clothes had to be cut off him at death? Or that in the ekpyrotic cyclical model of the universe, the two branes constituting the universe are only 10 to the negative 26th power apart from each other at any given time? Or that the proper pronunciation of the word for-tay is actually just ‘fort?’ Or that, being made obsolete by numbers and technology, liberal arts majors are only kept around for the purpose of being good dinner guests/meat animals for a future nuclear winter?

We know nothing about the state of Connecticut, though, other than it’s really, really white and cold. Just like vanilla ice cream. And we have nothing negative to say about vanilla ice cream.

Hawaii

Pertinent predjudices: Not a state. Other than that, they’re fine.