Bill Callahan reiterated today that he was not going to resign as coach of the Nebraska Cornhuskers, meaning that he will have to be shot and dragged out of his office before he quits his job.

Wait, sorry. That’s just “fired,” not “shot and dragged out of his office.” We were reading a story about Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf declaring a state of emergency in Pakistan, and got the two confused. Though the two chaotic states do look strikingly similar in many ways right now (validated Master’s Degree again! YES!)

Callahan also showed that if ever paired up in a duel with a riddling homicidal robot, he could crack the mind of the evil machine like a pheasant’s egg between his brainfingers:

Callahan said Tuesday he would not resign before the season ends, even if he were offered a buyout worth more than he is entitled to by his contract.

“That term ‘resignation’ is not in our vocabulary,” Callahan said.

First, Callahan uses the royal ‘we,’ Meaning that he’s ghostwriting a blog somewhere out there. Second, he says that “resignation” is not in his (their) vocabulary. But he just used the word? But it’s in his vocabulary. But he used it? But it’s not in his vocabulary. But he just used it? But it’s not in his vocabulary. But he used it…UNSTABLE LOOP CONTRADICTORY ERROR. (Head explodes.)


Take that, evil robot!

Thank god Phil Steele wasn’t at the news conference. We could have lost the most powerful computer known to man, and our only hope against Skynet.