Bill Callahan reiterated today that he was not going to resign as coach of the Nebraska Cornhuskers, meaning that he will have to be shot and dragged out of his office before he quits his job.

Wait, sorry. That’s just “fired,” not “shot and dragged out of his office.” We were reading a story about Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf declaring a state of emergency in Pakistan, and got the two confused. Though the two chaotic states do look strikingly similar in many ways right now (validated Master’s Degree again! YES!)

Callahan also showed that if ever paired up in a duel with a riddling homicidal robot, he could crack the mind of the evil machine like a pheasant’s egg between his brainfingers:

Callahan said Tuesday he would not resign before the season ends, even if he were offered a buyout worth more than he is entitled to by his contract.

“That term ‘resignation’ is not in our vocabulary,” Callahan said.

First, Callahan uses the royal ‘we,’ Meaning that he’s ghostwriting a blog somewhere out there. Second, he says that “resignation” is not in his (their) vocabulary. But he just used the word? But it’s in his vocabulary. But he used it? But it’s not in his vocabulary. But he just used it? But it’s not in his vocabulary. But he used it…UNSTABLE LOOP CONTRADICTORY ERROR. (Head explodes.)

Take that, evil robot!

Thank god Phil Steele wasn’t at the news conference. We could have lost the most powerful computer known to man, and our only hope against Skynet.

BruinsNation suggests that Steve Spurrier may want to come out to UCLA.

You know how you’ll decide this thing: just like Clayton Bigsby decides it.

” />
The BCS vacillates between putting two consensus number one teams in a bowl game–like Texas vs. USC yay the system works!–to at best a disputable matchup like Florida/Ohio State, a game only certain with the gift of hindsight. When one-loss teams pile up, you’ll be forced to choose between teams, and you’ll do it the way people have been doing their important decision-making for millennia: prejudicially.

Your guide to football prejudice for each possible national title follows below.

Kansas

Pertinent Prejudices: Their fans are meth-smoking fiends trying desperately to flee their desolate, ancient grain-silo haunted surroundings. “Waving the Wheat” is weak sauce for a crowd cheer. You still in your heart of hearts believe tornadoes are the fourth biggest threat to their campaign. The first are the murderous child fundamentalists waiting to sacrifice the team to the beastgod who lives in the field; the second are highway killers with fifties haircuts; and the third, of course, is crushing boredom.

Their coach is fat, too. Planet fat. There’s a serious predjudice right there, since a man that big might inhale any trophies or microphones placed in front of him.

Oregon

Pertinent prejudices: Hippies. (more…)

This week’s blogpoll draft, put up to get the obvious mistakes charred out of the hide of this beast before submission. Preparation: it’s the new procrastination!

Errors, early apologies, and questions below.

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Ohio State	—
2	Oregon	1
3	LSU	1
4	Kansas	2
5	Oklahoma	—
6	Missouri	1
7	Connecticut	3
8	West Virginia	1
9	Arizona State	5
10	Boston College	2
11	Georgia	6
12	Southern Cal	14
13	Virginia	10
14	Virginia Tech	6
15	Texas	4
16	Tennessee	—
17	Penn State	9
18	Florida State	8
19	Michigan	1
20	Florida	6
21	Clemson	8
22	South Florida	3
23	Boise State	3
24	Alabama	2
25	Arkansas	1

Errors, queries, other minor tragedies.

Dropped: Wake? Unsure why the first draft doesn’t have them on, other than that we feel the marginal victor of choice in the ACC is not the Demon Deacons but the Virginia Cavaliers. Purdue and Hawaii get no apologies for lack of performance and lack of schedule strength, respectively. BYU gets bumped in the bustle, but Auburn’s the real question mark here. They have the best defense overall in the SEC, and are likely worthy of an edit for inclusion.

Added for dubious reasons: Arkansas, who may be in the poll as a nod to McFadden/Jones alone.

The muddle at the top: The Big 12 dominates the top ten, and we’re suspicious of that clump up there, especially Kansas, who now that everyone has universally acknowledged their goodness will immediately choke–because this is 2007, and we trust no team given a compliment to not let it go to their head and immediately crash and burn the following week.

Oregon at 2 looks like a keeper, though. Their nod over LSU at this point is their snappy, clean offense and discipline, something LSU’s rollicking mess of an offense–talented beyond belief but prone to errors that make things far, far harder than they need be–does not have.

Critiques, invective, and comments below.

This post has a soundtrack. Click on it for the proper accompaniment to the story.


MP3 File

By Crom, Josh McNeil is a happy man.

Get this man an AXE body spray endorsement:

Several hours after the University of Tennessee football team thumped its opponent on the field Saturday, UT center Josh McNeil was quizzed by police about a broken window at his apartment and the three intoxicated women in his bed.

He celebrates like Conan the Barbarian, that Josh McNeil. We think the running for the Thighsman Award may be done, since McNeil just grabbed it by its brassy crotch and wrestled it back to his bed/animal husbandry lot/one man European sex club. Those trashy Euro orgy videos where everyone’s hooting on the participants? All filmed in Josh McNeil’s bed. Travis Henry just called him to urge him to wear a condom, and Colin Farrell wants to go to Dubai with him for the weekend just to watch him work a hotel room with eight escorts and twenty bottles of Cristal.

McNeil can’t be charged with anything in the incident, since banging three girls at once in a drunken victory celebration is only illegal in France and the Republic of Third-grade-gaysylvania. (Real, honest homosexuals, on the other hand, have no problem celebrating in multiples.)

McNeil cannot even be charged with sexual assault on an animal, since the “half bear, other half cat” formula for Tennessee women on Rocky Top means McNeil technically made love to 3/2 of a cat and 3/2 of a bear. Charging him with anything like this means lawyers in Tennessee would have to work with fractions, and no one wants to get into that shit. That’s why they went to law school and not med school, which requires math and a hunger for human blood.)

There’s details here, sure: a potted plant thrown through a window, an argument, several guns including rifles, shotguns, and a handgun found in apartment. Read the article if you actually care what happened, including the fact that the three women were charged with underage consumption of alcohol. (Note: consumption of Josh McNeil is totally legal and obviously in demand, ladies of the 865. And in plentiful supply, judging from this.)

All we want to say is that the Josh McNeil, the video game industry needs to make Intercourse Hero and set whatever you do as the Expert Level. ONE HUNDRED COCKTAILS to you, sir.

(HT: Voluminous.)