GARY BARNETT WANTS A JOB

by Orson on Nov 5, 2007 11:56 AM EST

Dear sir-

This is me, rich dude Cary Garnett. I have a monocle because I'm rich.

My name is Cary Garnett, and I'm awesome and rich and love to give money to football programs. Especially ones named after horses, because I'm hung like one, and so is my good friend and coaching legend Gary Barnett.

I'm writing you today to suggest my good friend, Gary Barnett, for the opening you have at SMU for the position of head football coach. And if the word opening seems suggestive, it should be: I promise you my good friend will turn SMU into the whoriest of whore college football programs, and lead the Mustangs back to national prestige one hard, furious cash-subsidized hooker rodeo at a time.

Gary Barnett's record speaks for itself: he turned Northwestern around. Northwestern, a school that had previously known nothing but sorrow and cold, escort-free winters of football regret. Barnett brought them victory with a special kind of sunshine: hookers.

And not just cheap ones, either: expensive, well-toned, professional hookers capable of snapping the bolts off fire hydrants with their inner labia and sucking the suck off a program as bad as Northwestern.

And suck the suck off they did, propelling Barnett and the team he happened to be coaching, Northwestern, to a Rose Bowl game. Barnett won national coach of the year almost single-handedly, and graciously thanked himself in his acceptance speech on behalf of the players he coached.

Barnett's no stranger to challenges, though: his next job took him to Colorado, where he took over a program that had not won a game in 39 years and led them to countless Big 12 titles!* Barnett used the same plan for success he'd used at previous stops, leading to some of the most successful recruiting classes ever for Colorado and a record number of broken beds, dressers, chairs, and sprained penis cases at Boulder General during the "contact period" of recruiting.

Quote from an anonymous but happy recruit: "I can't feel anything below the waist and now have an invisible parrot who tells me strange things that I can't swipe off my shoulder. This trip rocked, especially the nine-hour session with Mei Xue, the Iron Pleasure Lotus of Hebei Province. I have to go to the bathroom now. If you hear screaming, don't worry--it's just me attempting to use my now useless urinary tract!"

See? Barnett don't play! Whoa, what do I mean? That's not even English! Wrong, hom-ey! Barnett speaks the language of the streets, allowing him to connect with "urban" youth. (That's code for black kids.) Barnett can even walk it out for recruits, who love his fresh steps and old school wobble. He'll be able to do it again once the hip surgery heals up.

I..er, Gary also understands what it takes to build a program back up. Do kids need confidence? Hooker weekend! Do kids need extra motivation for a game? That calls for a special kind hooker, the kind only a pro can call up on his cell phone at a moment's notice. And you need the kind of cash and cash-acquiring skills it takes to keep the hookers and recruits coming. And with his patented accounting system and rich-booster-seeking skills, he's totally the man for this.

So to sum up: hookers. Cash. Hookers. Win. Oh, and no girls. They're terrible.

Balls out with clout,

Cary Garnett, Impressive and Estimable Wealthy Man At Large

ps. This is not written by Gary Barnett, who is a dear and tender friend of mine in a not gay way. I just think he's really the guy for the program. Also he is hung like a donkey. Again, I know this in an ungay way so don't get any ideas.

*This is totally true and you don't need to check it against some pansy-ass record or anything.

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Comments

+100 cocktails, Orson. You captured that douche in all his glory, even if you left out the gambling and the point-shaving.

by PJ from NU in SF on Nov 5, 2007 12:04 PM EST reply actions

I’m sure Barnett has already promised that under him, football at SMU will be just like it was in the good ol’ days.

Hey, oil prices are up, why waste all that money on private jets and gold plated rolls royces.

by Herb on Nov 5, 2007 12:16 PM EST reply actions

I hear Rick Saban has time for this shit.

by TideDruid on Nov 5, 2007 12:16 PM EST reply actions

Gary Barnett was selling snake oil when Saban was fetchin’ coffee for George Perles. Barnett is so sleazy the hookers wash their hands after they take his money.

by jebus on Nov 5, 2007 12:21 PM EST reply actions

Barnett to Southern Meth, huh? Was one Death Penalty not enough?

by Doug on Nov 5, 2007 12:23 PM EST reply actions

as a dallas resident without a subscription to the dallas morning news, i would be first in line to get one should cary barnett’s friend get the job. this would be daily entertainment.

by gerry dorsey on Nov 5, 2007 12:27 PM EST reply actions

Dennis Franchione already called dibbs!

He should go ahead and resign now so as to move into this position quicker

by cjjags on Nov 5, 2007 12:29 PM EST reply actions

When is Phil Callahan going to contact them?

by John on Nov 5, 2007 12:31 PM EST reply actions

Heh at SMU they already have all the drugs and slutty white girls they could ever want. How’s this guy gonna entice them with more?

BTW their current QB is basically Raggie Bell — the evil twin of Reggie Ball.

by Brian on Nov 5, 2007 12:31 PM EST reply actions

BTW thank you for giving me my idea for next halloween…Old rich guy with mustache, monocle, top hat, and coat with tails… YEssssss.

by Brian on Nov 5, 2007 12:34 PM EST reply actions

If Barnett does come to SMU does that mean that TCU will looking to hire Rick Neuheisel? The Metroplex will never be the same with both of them in the area. Maybe UNT will hire Jackie Sherrill that way it will be a trifecta of scandel.

by Anonymous IV on Nov 5, 2007 12:35 PM EST reply actions

TCU already had FA Dry in the early ’80s. He was kind of like a Gary Barnett without the victories.

by Boston Frog on Nov 5, 2007 12:44 PM EST reply actions

Does anyone watch the Fox Sports Net show on Sunday nights about the BCS Rankings. It is the most god-awful show ever. I tune in every week because I love college football and turn it off the second Barnett starts talking. He deserves to never coach again. He also deserves to get kicked in the nuts by that female kicker.

by Edsall is God on Nov 5, 2007 12:48 PM EST reply actions

Depending on which tones you use, “Mei Xue” could mean:
Beautiful Cave or Beautiful Codfish

(Yes, I looked it up, because if it came from Orson, er, Cary Garnett chances are it has a double meaning)

by fotodog on Nov 5, 2007 1:20 PM EST reply actions

Gary Barnett is just a terrible coach. I mean, there’s really no other way to say it, he just can’t win consistently enough to get a team into the position to win championships in competitive leagues without cutting corners. Not only that, but he’s old. And he’s an asshole.

SMU can’t afford him (not $$ wise, because I’m pretty sure they could cough up some real ducats – I mean reputation wise).

by UgasTexan on Nov 5, 2007 1:26 PM EST reply actions

Barnett would be a terrible, but hilarious, hire, and I don’t think Orsini (the AD) will go in that direction (thought he did hire O’Leary when he was at UCF, so he has a track record of reclamation projects). One popular choice that is emerging is Major Applewhite — he’s got the Texas connections, he’s been associated with successful and big-time programs, and he’s a hell of a playcaller. A young up-and-comer like Applewhite would be just the injection of energy we need.

Given what I’ve seen on some message boards, I think that Texas A&M and Nebraska fans might offer to pay the salary for three years for SMU if we took Franchione or Callahan off their hands.

by baconboy on Nov 5, 2007 1:44 PM EST reply actions

Contacted about the possibility that Gary Barnett is said to be the top choice for the SMU job, Bobby Collins had nothing but the highest praise for him.

“He would have fit in well with us back in the days when Craig James, Eric Dickerson and the rest of the Pony Express were really hauling it in. I always needed another good bag man, er, assistant coach to learn the trade, and Gary’s one of the best. Also, Peruna likes him a lot.”

by yoyofutbawl on Nov 5, 2007 2:14 PM EST reply actions

RE: #16

http://firemajorapplewhite.blogspot.com

From the site: "Major Applewhite was a good college quarterback and I’m sure he’s a fantastic graduate assistant. He’ll probably make a darn good quarterbacks coach before he’s promoted to offensive coordinator and finally head coach, where he may win championship after championship. He could do it all before he hits the age of 40.

But one day his luck will turn, boosters will start calling for his head… and this site will be ready. "

Cracks me up.

by Brian on Nov 5, 2007 2:19 PM EST reply actions

- Not nearly far enough, Jebus. Cleaning off Barnett’s muck requires full and complete decontamination.

by Signal to Noise on Nov 5, 2007 4:12 PM EST reply actions

Gerry, the UT Morning News is too busy giving Mack Brown the Musburger treatment, complete with eye contact, noisy slurping and sighs of enjoyment.

Unfortunately, Phil Bennett doesn’t have a female kicker. Barnett’s antics might make it to page 10 if that were the case.

by Raider Red on Nov 5, 2007 4:42 PM EST reply actions

Personally I like Barnett and think he is a good coach.

He got a raw deal from the granola feminists at CU.

Goes to show you what letting a girl play on your football team will get you.

by bnb614 on Nov 5, 2007 6:52 PM EST reply actions

Major Applewhite?!? Didn’t Saban call into question his play-calling? I think the jury’s still out on him. Are folks really excited about Major Applewhite as a head coach?

by Bear Bryant's corpse on Nov 5, 2007 9:18 PM EST reply actions