First, in factual news: LSU QB Ryan Perrilloux has been cleared of any wrongdoing in an incident at the Varsity in Baton Rouge this past Friday, and will be allowed to play in this weekend’s game versus Alabama. Linebacker Derrick Odom, however, will be charged with something later today and then dismissed from the team.

This all comes from WJBO, and is likely close to factual. We’d like to think this account of what happened at the Varsity is just as factual. However, this is the internet, and like Ed Orgeron taking off his shirt and challenging everyone on the Ole Miss football team to fight, it’s at the very least truthy enough to repeat. So remember: it’s not fact, but it’s fact-esque. And that’s awesome enough for us.

Concussed? Sure. Scurred? Hell no, and loving it.

Saturday night, one of the LSU football players was “performing” (rapping) at the Varsity (LSU had a bye last week). So naturally, a lot of the team showed up in support. Xavier Carter, who has found some trouble when hanging out with Odom and Perriloux in the past, was also at the bar that night. Apparently, one of the bouncers there had gotten into a fight with Carter a few years back. There were a few words between the bouncer and Carter, but things eventually died down between the two. However, Odom didn’t want to let things die down. So he’s running his mouth and starting shit with the bouncer as well. Perriloux is there, not stopping things but not backing down either.

At the same time, there were a bunch of local mixed martial arts guys having a party upstairs at the bar. One of these guys was friends with the bouncer, and the next thing you know, you have MMA guys and football players talking shit. From what I heard, the testosterone was through the roof, as you can imagine. So the night ends and they’re kicking people out, and the MMA guy and Odom end up in the parking lot, where the fight breaks out. Needless to say, the MMA guy beats the dogshit out of Odom. Perriloux was supposedly the one who threatened to go get a gun, but when you’re getting your ass spanked by a bunch of steriod junkies who fight for a living, what other choice do you have? (Besides not fighting to begin with, but that’s when you lose street cred, and next thing you know you’re getting raped in prison. And Odom ain’t no punk bitch).

Nope. He may be a menace to public safety and squanderer of a football scholarship to a fine university, but when you willingly take on someone with a neck like watermain and visible backne, you, sir, are no punk bitch. Thick-skulled? Possibly retarded? Cursed with an acute lack of understanding of applying force to the tender, breakable parts of a body in an disciplined rapid fashion? Yes.

Punk bitch, though? No, sir. And Derrick Odom may take that “not punk bitch” status and leave the LSU Tigers holding it proudly. Street value=0$, and exactly several million less than an NFL draft pick’s signing bonus.