Our special guest is Tom Jackheart, noted motivational speaker and men’s health speaker, joins us today for his breakdown of the college football season, and how it can revolutionize your life, your lovelife, your marriage, the way you drive, your ability to chop vegetables with precision, and your destiny. Take it away, Tom!

You must love your life in order to love your life. And in order to have the love you need to love your life to its fullest, that love must come from yourself. That means you have to love yourself first. Not easy, guys?

Wrong! You love yourself all the time and I know you do, because it all starts with the most important thing to a man: his penis. You think you know your penis like the back of your hand, but let’s face it: you really know the back of your hand like you know your penis.

But I’m telling you that in order to have that ultimate love, you have to get to know the soul of your manhood. Guys, that’s not easy–believe me, I know! I didn’t get from the minimum security ward of the Florida prison system where I was incarcerated for a crime I didn’t commit to where I stand before you today by lacking self-knowledge. A good lawyer helped, too!

(Pause for laughter. None comes. He proceeds.)

I got here by knowing myself, and not just in that cheap, frenzied way you practice daily. I know you’re saying to yourself: hey, I’ve “known myself” in bus station bathrooms, middle school parking lots, at the bathroom at work, and all over this great nation of ours. But I’m telling you: that’s not real self-knowledge. Understand the soul of your manhood, and understand yourself.

One way we can achieve this understanding is through analogy, so let’s take a look together through the lens of college football. Let’s learn. Let’s discover. Let’s meet your penis in a football uniform.

USC

Some of you are USC. It’s huge, right? And you’ve done some pretty amazing things with it, putting it wherever you liked for a long time, sometimes against the odds, and everyone knew about it thanks to some pretty good publicity from those you worked with, eh? You probably even steered a boat or two with it from time to time, or played the ol’ wristwatch trick on a friend or two.

Now, though, you’re a bit down. Maybe it’s work. Maybe it’s the pressure of sustaining that performance. Maybe you’ve gotten–wait for it!–cocky? Now you’ve…how shall we say this…turned the ball over a bit too many times recently?

If this is you, you’re in possession of a USC manhood. Proud! Highly visible! And burdened with great expectations. It’s not easy being able to carry not just the towel but several dishrags and a bathrobe on your manhood, so pressure and high expectations is always the name of the game for you. Sometimes, this means dominating championship performances! Sometimes, it means drooping late against Stanford. It’s work keeping something so heavy up for so long.

Texas Tech.

So you’re not the biggest guy. In fact, you might bend in a slightly different direction than anyone else–several inches in a different direction, actually. That’s fine, because with the way you do things, good word gets out one way or another. Despite being not as naturally talented as others, you’re all about rapid, merciless scoring, and when matched up with an opponent who underestimates you, look out! They’ll be down six or seven scores in th count before you know it.

Texas Tech man, your primary concern with all that scoring is always the same: protection, protection, protection. Without the grounding influence of the emotional run game some men possess, you’re prone to hollow but spectacular blowouts interrupted by defeats to masterful defenders. Your own defense is somewhat suspect, but no matter: you’re an ace at coming from behind.

Florida.

Ah, the gift and curse of youth! You’re given immense potential and are perpetually up. Indeed, you’re capable of scoring at will anytime or anywhere! But what you lack, Florida-penis-man, is the consistency needed to make it through all four quarters. You’re a mess, just spraying the ball everywhere and racking up meaningless points without ever really controlling your game. Only listening to the voice of experience can give you the maturity you need to go sixty minutes the hard way without turning life into some spastic high-school spunkfest.

Penn State.

You’ve got the gift of age, and that’s one of life’s greatest blessings: the wisdom that only comes with the accumulation of time and experience. Unfortunately, everything’s misfiring, and you’re having trouble staying firm in the face of adversity, especially against younger, hungrier opponents, even with your natural gifts of size and enthusiasm. And you can’t feel anything.

You’ll have to work with what you’ve got–have we recommended special teams? They’re something you can introduce into the game to help, and the players can come in all different shapes and sizes. With just a few simple tricks and techniques, you can insert them into your life and make a world of difference in your play.

Wake Forest

Hey there, little fella! Don’t worry about the size issue. It’s not that you’re small–you’re the smallest school around, caught in a life-struggle with those who have more of, well, everything.

You’ll have to rely on cunning, hard work, and inspired to play in all three phases of the game to compete, and that’s just what you do! Misdirection, hard tackling, and effort, effort, effort–those are the hallmarks of your game, son. Never mind that others have bigger facilities, stadiums, or players. You’ll stun ‘em with misdirections, orbit sweeps, and a confusing smokescreen of defenses.

And look what effort will get you: 4-1 in the ACC and just waiting to shock someone. (You love shockin’ em.) So go ahead and shake what you’ve got, Vienna Sausage. It’s all you need and more to be a pocket tiger waiting to pounce.

Michigan.

Hola, steady amigo. While others are out there doing the Soulja Boy and other new-fangled dances–what are those kids saying? I can’t even understand them these days!–you’re busy doing the same old two-step that’s gotten you through time and time again. And sure, the old lady complains and complains, but every night she’s getting the same old treatment and showing up for it again, and again, and again. She’s quiet, but you can tell there’s a grim satisfaction there. And that’s what life’s about for you, isn’t it? Grim satisfaction.

And kinky? That’s a word to describe hair, not your love life. You’ve got the goods, they’ve done you just fine for forty years, thank you very much, and you’ll just keep pounding away the same way you’ve always done. And at the end of the day, you can grimace with pleasure when it’s done. Quietly.

Duke

You don’t really want to be here, do you? You’ve tried playing, but it just doesn’t work out, and it ends up in tears and you lying limp and defeated, right?

The real secret: you’re just doing this for show, because you’d actually rather be playing another game completely. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! You should flaunt it and be proud, and shed your sham life in favor of fabulous life in a totally different game where you’re not only successful, but legendary. Come out by going inside for a different sort of scoring–that’s your plan, Duke-manhood man.

Hawaii.

Are you undefeated against the tipsy 21-year-old barflies of the world? That’s you Hawaii-manhood man, a high-scorer who racks up the tally against competition that’s suspect at best. Sure you’ve got moves and even a little bit of size, but your exotic looks and rapid penetration of defenses comes against opponents with no defense for what you’ve got–a free dinner, a shoulder to pass out on, or a partner who can drink them into happy submission.
Whatever it takes, you’re there for six points time and time again when it’s easiest. Should you ever meet an opponent with substantial defenses, though, be advised: you’ll be forced into a game you may not be ready to play.

Notre Dame.

It’s…it’s just not working. Nothing. You’ve got all the gifts: looks, pedigree, talent, and money. And back in the day, my goodness, you had a line out the door for what you had. When grunge was king you ruled the bedposts with an iron rod.

Since then, though, it’s been disappointment. And public disappointment, at that, since you’re genital celebrity received some very negative and public reviews. Comes with the territory, though. You blame your last relationship for really messing you up in that department, but that’s getting a bit thin, and this new lady, well…it’s starting to affect things down there, too, despite a fast and furious start. And lately it’s been frosties between the sheets.

I don’t know what to tell you, Notre Dame-penis man. Unless you care to pay for my other seminar, “Notre Dame Penis-Man: Your Situation and How to Fix Everything in 23 Minutes a Day.” It’s 23 minutes that will change your life, and it only costs $30 million dollars over ten years in yearly installments.

That’s all I’ve got time for, folks. To summarize: know your penis, know yourself. For more, you can check my motivational tape “The Men’s Dicktionary: Your Guide to Winning Life with Your Genitals” and my book, “Balls to Bucks: Taking your Testes to the Bank and Beyond.” Remember: from yardstick to toothpick, your dick is the pick to win!

Tom Jackheart is a motivational speaker available for speaking engagements, you know, whenever. He was convicted of mail fraud in 1997 and has served his debt to society.