SAM KELLER OUT FOR YEAR. CALLAHAN SPEAKS.
by Orson on Oct 29, 2007 5:41 PM EDT
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PrintGreetings, nincompoops. My name is Bill Callahan. I'm hear to speak to you regarding the shoulder injury of Sam Keller, our current starting quarterback. He's out for the rest of the season, a pitiable travesty of fate for our beloved signal-caller, my prize progeny of my prodigious West Coast offense, a distributor of dextrous deadly football deliveries from his deft digits, oh, a light! Yes, a lustrous beam of sunshine into my drab, forlorn tenure upon the alien corn of this disconsolate prairie.
Nebraska football, 2007.
(Oh, Cortez. Was Keats right? Did you feel exhilaration staring upon that vast, cerulean carpet? Would that I have anything but the oceans of my unappreciated genius to drown my sorrows in, vanquished conquistador! My voyage has taken me only further into this damned moonscape called America without a speck of Incan gold for reward. Unless you count my multimillion dollar salary, of course.)
I can espy from the slackening jaws and empty, unthinking stares of your simian countenances that I've yet again managed to blind you with the incandescence of my thoughts. Staring at the sun seems mean next to my thoughts, no? Well, let's just put it in the pidgin you can understand.
KELLER OUCHIE! HURT OUCHIE WAAAAAAHHH!! NO TALK SPECIFICS!!! JOE GANZ THROW BALL HUSKER WAY HEAPUM TOUCHDOWNS NOT RESIGNING MMKAY? OW MY BALLZ!
(throws candy and beer...reporters scatter on the floor in a frenzy)
There. Having debased myself for the handful of cowrie shells I slave for each day here in the third circle of hell, I bid thee adieu, you gag-faced giblet-gobbling gomerals. Good day and die swiftly, shitkickers.
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Interim AD Osborne will have the same number of coaching hires per year as Mal Moore.
by NewAZTiger on Oct 29, 2007 5:48 PM EDT reply actions
The Nebraskan in me hates Bill Callahan for what he says about our intelligence.
The English professor in me knows he’s right.
by Land of Os(borne) on Oct 29, 2007 5:49 PM EDT reply actions
“Staring at the sun seems mean next to my thoughts, no?”
Quickly becoming one of my favorite character entries.
by d761 on Oct 29, 2007 5:57 PM EDT reply actions
I hope Callahan gets the crowd reception he deserves on Saturday afternoon. My childhood self couldn’t have imagined a world in which Kansas had a better football program than Nebraska. Callahan’s been a big part of that and I salute him.
Let’s gift him something velour.
by hoopinion on Oct 29, 2007 6:12 PM EDT reply actions
At least Callahan is much travelled in the realms of gold—I bet his buyout is one sweet desmene.
by sherlock hemlock on Oct 29, 2007 6:43 PM EDT reply actions
dynamite first comment newaztiger!!!
“wait what?? nebraska football?? that reminds me of how much alabama sucks!!!”
fucking lunacy i tell you.
by gerry dorsey on Oct 29, 2007 6:53 PM EDT reply actions
9
I’m convinced that if Alabama didn’t exist, neither would Auburn.
by RIP Logan Young on Oct 29, 2007 7:39 PM EDT reply actions
Let’s just hope that Sam can rehab without the need of pain killers… and booger sugar pain killers… as we don’t want any mishaps like last time.
by pafrican on Oct 29, 2007 7:48 PM EDT reply actions
10
What does that have to do with Alabama, sport?
by RIP Logan Young on Oct 29, 2007 8:25 PM EDT reply actions
good day and die swiftly, shit-kickers"
My new email signature for clients, I think.
by DC Trojan on Oct 29, 2007 11:06 PM EDT reply actions
Visiting Callahan calls Nebraska a “total hellhole.”
by Dave on Oct 29, 2007 11:23 PM EDT reply actions
“This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the Nebraska head-coaching job, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you.”
“You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.”
by Doug on Oct 30, 2007 8:10 AM EDT reply actions
Wow!
Your alliteration is too technical for me. Kudos.
by Rob on Oct 30, 2007 1:44 PM EDT reply actions
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