11:42 A.M.: Penn State wins in Gameday the sign wars, striking a decisive blow with “LOOK OUT OSU! JOE PA’S DRIVING!!!”

11:55 A.M.: Corso picks Jorvorskie Lane as his impact player. To celebrate, Lane eats Franchione and kills two birds with one stone: becoming a folk hero and procuring lunch.

12:14 P.M.: Rutgers is wearing black, and you know what that means? Marketing! Rutgers also allows their academic compliance guy to introduce the lineup. If Tennessee or Florida did this, they would be bound and gagged and making MRPHMRPHMRPH noises.

12:30 P.M.: Bob Griese is playing with a glistening wet ball in the booth. Worst. Porno. Ever.

12:37: That little mule-kick halfstep right when Steve Slaton started cutting back…it made it move. We can’t lie. That was downright arousing.

12:47: Rutgers doesn’t have the biggest athletic department budget, but we think that when your coach is holding a garbage bag over his clipboard in the rain to keep his papers dry, an expenditure must be made to kick your program over the wall into the land of greatness:

LAMINATING MACHINE WILL TAKE YOU TO MOST HAPPY LUCKY TIME BITCHES!!!

12:54: The announcers are dressed like the Three Stooges. If we were seventy, we’d be crapping our pants at this.

1:07 p.m.: Not really fair that it’s raining. Shitty weather all but gives a homefield advantage to the ‘Eers. Toss some rusty tire axles and piles of coal slag out there to complete the effect.

1:16 p.m.: JABU LOVELACE IS IN THE GAME AND FREAKING YOU LIKE YOU WANT IT TRICK!!!

1:24 p.m.: Another dropped pass for Rutgers means that when Mike Teel doesn’t suck, their receivers do. But who cares when Tebow/Perriloux roleplayer Jabu Lovelace is the sexiest, smoothing-soundingest name in all of college football? Jabu wants you close…too close.

1:42 p.m.: WVU’s up 17-3 in a slog against a flat Rutgers team, and Paul Maguire’s succeeded in derailing the broadcast on at least 12 occasions. All fear the Paulrus!


Holly’s got some free time this Saturday, in case you didn’t know.

2:08 p.m.: Holly points out that Paul Maguire should be out there in his rainslicker on the camera boom even in the rain. Many support this idea because it increases the possibility of Maguire being struck by lightning.

2:16 p.m.: Rutgers takes one stinking holding penalty and undoes the good work of an entire Ray Rice powerlifting effort where he was unstoppable. A fourth drop by Taiquan Underwood, a wide pass by Teel.

Mike Teel: 4/13, 38 yards.

2:25 p.m.: The playcall of the game, and what USF never did last week. Against the same set–an empty backfield–Rutgers blitzes the crew. USF last week had all long routes in the pattern, leaving Grothe out to dry. This week, Rodriguez calls a screen to Slaton in this situation for a 50 yard gain and eventual Slaton touchdown. 24-3 and Rutgers is spitting the bit.

2:34 p.m.: Another game just, in essence, may have gone final: Mississippi State 24, Kentucky 7. Anthony Dixon just leapt the length of a residential swimming pool for the last TD. Croom’d!

2:42 p.m.: Brad Nessler just referred to Owen showing us his “buing buing.”

2:49 p.m.: And Rutgers is pinned at the one with a rugby punt bouncing directly into the hands of a waiting Mountaineer with exactly a centimeter of green between his heels and goal line. Scarlet Knights just went from merely fucked to officially bullfucked.

2:59 p.m.: Rutgers is still playing the opening riff of “For Whom The Bell Tolls” on every 3rd down. The irony hasn’t hit them yet, has it? Even down 24-3?