VIEWER'S GUIDE, PART ONE: STAY WARM WITH IAN JOHNSON

by Hannibal Montegna on Oct 26, 2007 2:59 PM EDT

The Viewer's Guide to this Weekend

Lonely on Friday? Ian will keep you warm, baby.

FRIDAY, BECAUSE FOOTBALL MAKES THE LONELY GO AWAY.

BOISE STATE at FRESNO STATE (9:00 • ESPN2)

America's next great team--Fresno State--attempts WAC greatness by hosting Boise State. Both teams run the daylights out of the ball, but Boise's hyper-efficient Taylor Tharp should be the difference, as he leads the conference in passing efficiency and has Ian Johnson pounding away for play-action protection. Pat Hill's mustache is not pleased, but has not been during Fresno's thwarted career in the WAC versus Boise State: they've lost five to only one win over the past six years versus the Broncos.

SATURDAY – EARLY AFTERNOON: THINK ABOUT GETTING FIREWOOD, CLEAR SQUIRRELS OUT OF FIREPLACE.

Appetizer: WEST VIRGINIA at RUTGERS(12:00 • ABC)

Rutgers still claims Mike Teel at quarterback, who will be the gentleman in red attempting not to mess up Rutgers' pounding, Ray Rice-first-dibs offense on Saturday versus West Fuckin' Virginia. Teel is 'leet" spelled backwards, an appropriate inversion of the name since Teel remains the chief liability of the Rutgers offense. (Think of him as Anthony Morelli with lower television ratings.) Even in what we remembered to be a good performance in the USF game, Teel was still only 11/29 for 179 yards--and, to be fair, 2 TDs and no picks.

If he enjoyed this kind of "success" against USF's cover 2, he'll be drooling at WVU's 3-3-5 that makes up for its gaping holes by scaring the hell out of qbs with its unpredictable drops into coverage and oddly-angled blitzes. And we mean not that good, Pavlovian hunger-drool, but the catatonic drool of a couch-bound stoner.

Even if Rutgers wins, the passing won't be pretty.

Fend off the appetite for skilled aerials by watching the three best runners you'll see on the same field this year in a single game: Pat White, Steve Slaton, and Ray Rice. Your quads should be sore for them by the time this game ends.

FOR ABC NORTHEASTERN/MID-ATLANTIC CONSUMER WEDGE SECTION CONSUMERS:

SOUTH FLORIDA at UCONN: 3:30, ABC.

Some of you will be damned to watch this game of two Big East powers attempting to out-Tuberville the others in a game of defense, defense, and more defense. The stagnant reek will only be interrupted by the piercing scream of USF fans watching Matt Grothe improvise against UConn's mercenary, suffocating defense. With Grothe, it's like Christmas with a schizophrenic parent: sometimes, you get a free puppy with a gold collar! Sometimes, you get a sack of broken glass as you watch him fumbling on a run, tossing a running pick, or simply looking befuddled at the broken routes running through the defense trying to get open before he gets killed.

NEVER FEAR CONSUMER WEDGE MIDWESTERN/MOUNTAIN/GREAT PLAINS TYPES...

NEBRASKA at TEXAS. (3:30 • ABC Ranchero Flavor)

Attention viewers! Are you between the ages of 18 and 80? Were you molested, run over, stiffarmed, destroyed, harassed, heartbroken, killed, maimed, paved, disemboweled, concussed, embarrassed, subjected to severe emotional harm, burned alive, shot, stabbed, beaten bloody with a trench shovel, or otherwise disturbed by Nebraska during the 1990s? If so, contact your local cable operator and request this variety of coverage, because Nebraska's on fire and not looking like it's gonna make it to the flight deck, especially with Sam Keller struggling to make a hundred yards passing in a game in Callahan's abortive collegiate version of the West Coast offense.

Nebraska: not gonna make it.

FOR HAPPY ACC MARKETED PERSONS AND THOSE NOT WATCHING GEORGIA FLORIDA ON THAT OTHER NETWORK NOT NAMED CBS NOPE:

CLEMSON AT MARYLAND (3:30 • ABC Batter-Fried Flavor)

We'll be watching Georgia/Florida and will not watch a hot second of this game. Watching Maryland makes us weep for Ralph Friedgen, and we're not sure why: the puttering qb play? The running back rotation between Keon Lattimore and Lance Ball, which makes every announcer instantly mention that Keon Lattimore is related to Ray Lewis, as if this on its own would threaten Friedgen into starting him out of fear for his life? Clemson, meanwhile, will continue to do exactly what you expect a Tommy Bowden team to do: the opposite of exactly what you expect them to do. You have no power over this, as it is an incontrovertible law of the universe.

FLORIDA AT GEORGIA: THE COCKTAIL PARTY (3:30 • CBS)

We'll divert the usual trash talk because Georgia has done nothing but compete and keep the games close in this rivalry for quite some time now, including the 14-7 and 21-14 games of 2005 and 2006. They lost, of course, but it was respectable, at least, and Georgia fans could at least mutter "mullet jorts Lindsay Scott!" with an air of enthusiasm they have for other lost causes endorsed by the state of Georgia, like making sodomy illegal or passing Alabama in statewide literacy scores.

Let's say a word in praise of Gary Danielson instead. Danielson's always been a precise analyst, but something about his new pairing with Verne Lundquist has unyoked him and turned him from good into great. Watching him comment on games actually forces your brain to grow new neurons, and with Lundquist setting him up the chemistry's turned him into a veritable brain food you may consume with football. He's worth eschewing the other games and tuning into this one alone, one-sided winning streaks by the totally more awesome side in the rivalry aside.

(Night games pending! On the way! We swear! On a stack of hollow bibles!)

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Comments

Thank you for the Taiwanese burning plane. Made my day.

by The Bull-Gator on Oct 26, 2007 3:04 PM EDT reply actions

ABC is showing Colorado at Texas Tech at Noon in Big 12 country. I’d like to hear the take on that.

by John on Oct 26, 2007 3:10 PM EDT reply actions

Is the reference to Virgina just another attempt in the long line of trying to strip the WVFU and the state of West virgina of their identity? Or is it just Orsen being human again? Either way, go eers!

by some guy on Oct 26, 2007 3:10 PM EDT reply actions

just about to head over to Swamp East, thought i’d toss in my last two cents before the 12 pack for the drive kicks in:

Everybody knows
Stupid fucking mutts
Play valiantly in Jax
Never well enough, though.

Coach Rikk!
Boy dos’ gators fasssst!
Slow down gators!!

by Cameron Siggs on Oct 26, 2007 3:13 PM EDT reply actions

What is the liquor of choice at the “Annual Bulldog Massacre- with special guest Referee Michael Vick!-In HD!!?” Does it really smell like Polo and Jim Beam?

by Mr Pelican Pants on Oct 26, 2007 3:16 PM EDT reply actions

“has done nothing but compete and keep the games close in this rivalry for quite some time now”

brilliant

by Miker on Oct 26, 2007 3:22 PM EDT reply actions

Florida is GA’s Wang. Still, Go Gators!

by Techie on Oct 26, 2007 3:23 PM EDT reply actions

I hope UConn uses their vaunted “Fake Out Fair Catch” offense in this one.

by Gentleman Masher on Oct 26, 2007 3:29 PM EDT reply actions

Ian Johnson isn’t playing tonight. We’re told he has a bruised kidney, but I’m pretty sure his wife told him he was spending too much time with the team.

by wardo on Oct 26, 2007 3:30 PM EDT reply actions

Why is half of the post BOLD? Someone will lose their job over this!

by ALGator on Oct 26, 2007 3:40 PM EDT reply actions

Dear Nebraska faithful: Pac 10 fans tried to warn you when he transferred. Everyone tried to warn you when he couldn’t complete the plastic-water-bottle to woman-driver post route. And yet, bless your hopeful hearts, you really thought Keller might make the difference.

Hope you get a better coach for next year.

by DC Trojan on Oct 26, 2007 3:40 PM EDT reply actions

Funny, I can’t fucking stand listening to Gary Danielson’s blathering pie-hole.

by Dave on Oct 26, 2007 3:54 PM EDT reply actions

Actually, Ian Johnson will NOT keep us warm, seeing as how he’s injured and won’t play.

by Raider Red on Oct 26, 2007 3:59 PM EDT reply actions

Listening to Gary Danielson is like listening to Tim McCarver, only as he destroys a sport that actually matters. What next Orson, a Friday cheesecake selection devoted to Joe Buck in speedos?

PS: Where’s the damn cheesecake?

by sherlock hemlock on Oct 26, 2007 4:23 PM EDT reply actions

no talk about #5 Oregon vs #12 USC? It is only the highest ranked matchup this weekend. 3pm EST on FSN.

East coast bias is alive and well

by Grunt on Oct 26, 2007 4:25 PM EDT reply actions

9. You wouldn’t want to play either if your wife told you not to and her maiden name is Popadics.

by imisscollege on Oct 26, 2007 4:28 PM EDT reply actions

Agreed…I think I will have to turn off the sound for this one. Two weeks in a row of Danielson and Verne rooting for the underdog might make my face melt.

by Adam on Oct 26, 2007 4:40 PM EDT reply actions

Isn’t USC-Oregon also on TV at the same time? Or is that game not worthy of mentioning?

by D'Jango on Oct 26, 2007 4:47 PM EDT reply actions

Yo you should call it cheesecake saturday because I dont see it until then nowadays until then. Get with the program Spence. I leave PROMPTLY AT 5…you have 14 mins and counting.

by Brian on Oct 26, 2007 4:48 PM EDT reply actions

poor engrish i no.

by Brian on Oct 26, 2007 4:50 PM EDT reply actions

17,

USC-Oregon is on the damned FSN, and because a Flyers game is on at the same time, I won’t be able to watch it.

by John on Oct 26, 2007 4:51 PM EDT reply actions

bunda? Bunda?! BUNDA!!?

(chanting) B-u-n-d-a, b-u-n-d-a, b-u-n-d-a…….

by tzubear on Oct 26, 2007 5:03 PM EDT reply actions

WTF!?! Gary Danielson is like a 10 year old girl chattering away non-stop about every conceivable and fantastic facet of Hanna Montana/Miley Cyrus’s life. STFU already.

by George P. Burdell on Oct 26, 2007 5:15 PM EDT reply actions

What Brian said. (#19)

by Big Ten Joe on Oct 26, 2007 5:16 PM EDT reply actions

The referees completely blew the call on a late Temple touchdown, which costs the Owls the game against UConn.

The referees completely blew the call on UConn’s punt return, which cost Louisville the game.

If the referees get off the UConn bus, should USF forfeit?

by michael on Oct 26, 2007 5:25 PM EDT reply actions

RE: Bunda

More can be found on these websites for what is “pornography”. Also, if you like classier porn than that of midgets with dildos, you can always check Fark and the Foobies section.

by The Bull-Gator on Oct 26, 2007 5:33 PM EDT reply actions

#26
More information on bunda can be found on the internet?

by PeteJayhawk on Oct 26, 2007 5:39 PM EDT reply actions

Can anyone translate post 26 into English? I gather it has to do with Bunda, and therefore should be declassified and made available in the native tongue.

by sherlock hemlock on Oct 26, 2007 5:43 PM EDT reply actions

Other games that may not be on your local FSN outlet:

UCLA vs Washington State at 3:30 pacific (6:30 eastern) Which coach will get fired first following the season?

Cal-Bongwater vs Arizona State at 7:00 pacific (10:00 eastern) I’m picking the volcano jumper on this one. Tedford will be smoking some joints wondering what the F happened to his team.

by The Duke of Wazzu on Oct 26, 2007 5:57 PM EDT reply actions

if Fla is Ga’s wang, then Georgia would at least beat it now and then.

by lilac-a-go-go on Oct 26, 2007 6:02 PM EDT reply actions

Lord, I missed so many words in #26. I was just trying to say that there’s plenty of bunda to be found outside of EDSBS. Hell, GIS Hot Latina with Safe Search on and your golden. I do appologize, though. I butchered english in ways that are unspeakable.

by The Bull-Gator on Oct 26, 2007 7:49 PM EDT reply actions

DC Trojan:

I think Keller’s been… serviceable. He’s definitely got the Brett-Favre-force-the-ball-gene that some were convinced wouldn’t manifest, but I expected some Pac-10 style intercepted post routes, and I haven’t been left hanging. Our best offensive production’s been him running the two-minute drill. I’ve been disappointed in his accuracy lately, as lots of balls have been behind receivers.

Keller isn’t to blame for the fact that the OL doesn’t try to drive block, we barely try to run between the tackles, our play calling has shown all the imagination of Tecmo Bowl for SNES, our best wideout’s only on the field for 1/3 of the snaps, our best tight end’s a walk on….

And I’ve not even addressed the defense, which is historically, catastrophically, week-old-shrimp-in-August bad.

The big questions now are who’s going to be Bo Pelini’s OC, and what fraction of the next recruiting class was coming to play FOR Nebraska and what fraction was coming to play AT Nebraska.

by Albino Tornado on Oct 26, 2007 8:40 PM EDT reply actions

29 – If UCLA loses, it won’t even be a question who is fired first. Dorrell should get the axe after the game!

Actually, he should have gotten the axe last year…

by D'Jango on Oct 26, 2007 8:49 PM EDT reply actions

It should be mentioned that the UConn/USF game is going to be played in another monsoon, much like the UConn/Louisville game was. So if you don’t get FSN, don’t care about the Cocktail Party after it’s 42-7 Tebows and ABC has switched from the Nebraska debacle…we’d love to have you take a peek on the soon-to-be most talked about team in college football. That would be your UConn Huskies!

And I believe the refs may be getting off of the bus specially provided by the Orange Bowl…you know they ain’t want no Connecticut yankees playing in their here bowl game.

by Edsall is God on Oct 26, 2007 9:43 PM EDT reply actions