Is Mr. Sheehan related to Jackie Harvey, the author of The Onion’s weekly entertainment/gossip column “The Outside Scoop”?

It makes me uncomfortable when you write about our marriage on the blog.

Heh.

Doug—no. It’s just what we hear every time we read a Peter Kerasotis column.

Needs more paragraph breaks.

And flaccidity jokes.

I hate this mother fucker.

Los Chronicas de Boss Hawg lives.

Can you spoof Bianchi like this too?

1. - ZING!
2. - also more ellipses.

So many columnists who actually write about college football yet have absolutely no love for it (and buy into the premise parodied.)

Please throw an ND logo on this dude and watch all the alums come out to defend their school. Please.

I fucking hate Springsteen.

This guy reeks of a mastermind behind a kiddie porn ring…..my vote is always for CSI: Miami’s Caruso…
always answering a question, with a question…..“Am I the best? I dont know, why do you ask?” …“You’d like that, wouldn’t you??” Takes glasses off and kisses some random milfy lookin Latino…female…not Delco

Hell the French are0-2, with resounding by Nazi Germany and absolutley massacred by a little know Div 1-AA Vietnam, who wouldnt let them surrender til they killed ’em all.

What the hell? Orson, why’d you let this limp dick nobody write a column on your blog? He doesn’t know anything about college football — no wonder he got fired. I mean, I agree with the ESPN and Nazi Germany part, but the undefeated teams being better than teams with losses part is f’in BS.

You omitted the favorite thing I’ve heard from columnists and talking heads…

“South Florida?? Please, they’re in Tampa! (chuckle) That’s not south Florida! (uncontrollable laughter) So they can’t be any good. USF? Sounds like technology company! (laugh so hard snot comes flying out). They could never beat an SEC team!”

12 – That’s sarcasm, right? My detector is malfunctioning due to it being the Internet and all.

TCOAN @ 2 – Oh My!

Orson – Appalling verisimilitude.

I was going to complement you on a great piece of satire, but since I couldn’t find a single example of absurd exaggeration I’m not sure it qualifies. Having read many "how I ranked the teams" columns I have no reason to believe that this isn’t a completely plausible scenario, even the parts about his penis.

Edsall

I thought agreeing with the ESPN and Nazi Germany part would’ve been a sure-fire giveaway. But yes, it is the internets, so I see your point.

I was with him, untile he failed to espouse the virtues of Wheat Thins and regular bowel movements.

Pelican Pants @ 11 – indeed. Championship Subdivision Vietnam.

And really how exactly do we recon the 0-2? Season or even games to be sure but, speaking of France, they sure did get of to a smashing start in the first quarter. Cross Channel drive stalledt but they did drive it down the field in the first drive of the second quarter. Just short of the goal line in Moscow (of course it did help that Coach Stalin ki…err… suspended some of his starters for missing class and stuff) .

17 -My bad, I missed the Nazi Germany part. Nothing anyone says about ESPN surprises me anymore so I tune it all out.

Why didn’t this moron put something in there about Notre Dame? I mean come on, don’t we pay writes to talk about us no matter how we’re doing? Sports columnists are always supposed to write about ND, because when we play service academies it’s … American, dammit!

#11, #19 – I’d give the French a 1-3, considering the rise and fall of Napoleon.

That said, does the French Revolution count in the record books or is it considered a scrimmage?

Honest question – if KU somehow goes undefeated, does anyone besides me see it as highly likely that they could be shut out of the BCS National Title Game?

Masher, I agree with you. In fact, I don’t think they SHOULD get to the title game no matter what.

Nazi Germany played in a weak conference (France, Norway, Belgium, Poland, etc.) until they were exposed by the Soviet army in the BCS Championship , I mean Stalingrad.

People who can’t detect sarcasm make Baby Jesus cry. Maybe that is what they intend. It could be metasarcasm.

Jeez, first poster and I were thinking the same thing. Item!

Orson, didn’t know you read Peter Kerasotis. I always thought he was.. unique.. when I read the local paper. A quick Google search for his name (entry #2!) indicates that you two have quite a history.

#22, if the French Revolution was a scrimmage does that apply to the War between the States?

The French revolution is definitely considered a spring game, since they were playing with themselves (pun intended). The French, by my very poor history memory (I was a science major) are something like 2-5. Napoleon went 1-1 as a starting QB. They also were 1-1 against in conference rivals, the English Islanders. But also are sporting a 0-2 record against the Germans and a dismal 0-1 against the Championship Subdivision N. Vietnam State College of the Culturally Homogeneous.

25 – So Nazi Germany is Ohio State??

23 – If, big if, Kansas beat a 11-1 Oklahoma team in the Big XII title game to remain unbeaten, they will make the BCS Title Game. Sure, the world will end, but that scenario would work because voters have heard of Oklahoma. They’ll also gain respect when they beat Nebraska because, again, Bill Platske has heard of them.

S2N @ 22

Tough intersquad competition produces great results in real games. Just ask USC.

Then of course there was Charlemagne…or was he German? I’m getting confused.

#11, #19 and #22

I’s say the French are 0 for history including losses to Div. III Mexico (1867) and NAIA Haiti (1803). That’s tough to do. I don’t see how you can give Napolean any victories considering his entire army froze to death on the Russian Steppes when he was a Junior signal caller and then considering that drubbing he took in the Waterloo Bowl his Senior season.

S2N @ 22

Tough intersquad competition produces great results. Just ask USC.

The of course there was Charlemagne…or was he German? IThis is confusing. I’’m feeling like Matt Stafford facing a complex defense or a sober chick.

PeteJayhawk,

If they win out, and beat Mizzou and (probably) Oklahoma, it would seem unfair to leave them out.

Still, if they’re going for it against LSU, they’ll have a hard time getting past them.

Hmm. I’m even more confused than I thought. Something in the English ether is messing with my limited capacity to use the internets. Maybe this is what helped them to effectively protect against the blitz. We’re going out to get some sherry before dinner to try to aleviate (exacerbate?) the confusion.

God I love how history gets relegated to the BCS. Would Vietnam, and their home field advantage, be like a South Fla?
I think Japan would be App. St since they will fly in and Pearl Harbor your ass, although I dont see how Michigan will be able to get even thru a Nuclear Holocaust…..next year maybe?
The French always surrendered, not counting Vietnam, I am sure as all the men were getting mowed down, they were waving their white hankerchiefs, which made it easier targets to find for the snipers, as they were all killed whilst surrendering.
I hate the French, lazy drunk bastards. I would say the french were Notre Dame.

So would Algeria be France’s Appalachian State?

So does this mean Notre Dame is Switzerland? An independant with no offense or defense, but lots of money.

1. - technically the Civil War is marked down on the conference schedule because of secession; that was two different countries at the time.

#28, 31 – I’m more inclined to go 2-5 after re-visiting. Despite Napoleon’s questionable play-calling and execution in certain parts, he did rule a good chunk of Europe for a bit, and let’s not forget colonization as an initial victory to begin with.

1. - hah. Someone better than me has to do a “college football coaches as generals” list.

#30, part deux – Charlemagne’s victories came before the territory in question was officially called France (if my Medieval History class memory hasn’t failed me), so that doesn’t count towards overall win-loss for the French.

What Coach in history would Winston Churchill or JFK be? I prefered the air and ground attack when, after Japan came and bombed us, we went into half time, injured and half the team couldnt play, coach called for an all out passing attack and we blew em up til they surrendered. It only took two good bomb plays to do it, since then, nobody wants to play us fair, they all wanna attack us in the locker room and kill our fans and blow up our stadiums….but dont want us to use our bomb plays again, I hate rules….good thing for us we have great Special Teams, especially the Navy

France’s piss-poor defense (Maginot Line) was no match for Germany’s spread attack.

I didn’t know BIll Plaschke wrote for you guys under an assumed name. Weird.

The Mongol Horde would definitely be 1995 Nebraska.

Ed Orgeron as Atilla the Hun.

Houston Nutt as Howard Hughes.

Tommy Tuberville as Pants McPants.

Marcillac, Charlemagne ruled the Frankish Empire and the Franks were West Germanic tribes.

Edsall is God, is Ohio State Nazi Germany?

It seemed an appropriate comparison since UF was not given a chance against Ohio State. Ted Ginn’s return was the blitzkrieg that made it to the gates of Moscow. But then Florida started winning the battles. Führer Tressel was delusional when he went for it on fourth-and-one from the Buckeyes’ own 29 yard line, but Marshal Meyer’s forces did not give up any territory. The rest was a drive all the way to heart of Ohio State which culminated with forces from Gator Nation under the command of Marshal Billy Donavan raising the flag of victory over the BuckeyeReichstag

ND would only be the Swiss if people would want to protect them, the Swiss have allies…ND does not (should not)…the UN wouldn’t even jump in to help ND in defense, and clearly no one else can help them out.

S2N… Auburn’s one MNC came back when it was called API (if you ever see a pic, you’ll notice the lack of the interlocking AU on the helmet)… so, are you wrong about Charlemagne, or can I start telling all the Auburn fans I know that they really don’t have an MNC?

Wow. I guess college football hipsters can make a clever framework out of pretty much anything.

Here: two bars of soap, Williams Jennings Bryan, and the antiderivative of sin(x)/x.

Now produce football humor.

Didi Mao!!!!

William Jennings Bryan represents Roy Kramer around the time he created the BCS, The two bars of soap are the Coaches’ and Harris polls (very slippery), and the antiderivative of sin(x)/x is how the computer polls calculate their rankings…

No, that’s just sad, not funny.

DO NOT BRING MATH INTO THIS CONVERSATION. I’M A MAN!!!,MY IQ IS 40!!! I’M FROM GREENBOW,ALABAMA!!!. Textbooks and math makes my head hurt, unless its 2 for 1 price.
Would Napoleon be equal to these guys in stature only:
1. Doug Flutie or
2. Terry Bowden

Paul Johnson, refusing to believe in the evolution of the coaching species, brings two bars of soap to the game for his morbidly obese rival, presuming one won’t quite do the trick when it comes time to wash the "hidden places". I’ll be missing the game, on account of needing to watch the latest installment of Texas Methodist University’s QB coach on Tivo.

#51, that is a lot better than what I had come up with. The two bars of soap, Williams Jennings Bryan, and the antiderivative of sin(x)/x share the same transitive property as the following:
ND > UCLA > CAL > Oreg > Houston > Rice > S.Miss > E Car > NC > Miami > FSU > Colo > OU >
UT > TCU > Stanford > USC > ND.

A IV, that just blew my mind

1. - my question is whether since #46 addressed that Charlemagne was essentially West German (proto-Prussian?), whether his victory (like API’s) would count for the French (Auburn) later.

I’m not inclined to weigh in on the parallel, but if you want to piss off some Auburn fans, go right ahead.

Why is it that within three months such a change has come over the sentiments of the country? Three months ago, when it was confidently asserted that those who believed in the BCS would nominate our national champions, even the advocates of the BCS did not think that we could elect BC or USF. If they dare to come out in the open field and defend the BCS as a good thing, we shall fight them to the uttermost.

You shall not crucify college football upon a cross of gold.

Ok, but I’m going to tell them you said so

Dear God, please don’t ever let me have to read Kerasotis and Bianchi in the same set of comments again. Ever. Please.

Being a Brevard county resident Kerasotis is our local papers feel good sports hac…err writer, so any mention of him is taboo.
As for Bianchi, well he speaks for himself. Way too much. Really.

This is all just a highly elaborate rationalization for ranking Oregon at #2 in your blog poll, isn’t it?

the gestapo – lookin sharp cause your threads ain’t gonna be shabby when hugo boss is your tailor.

S2N/Ananimous IV

The scoring is tricky because while the Franks were a Germanic tribe which invaded Gaul which was consequently (much later) renamed France. It wasn’t called that at the time of Charlemagne was based in the west (France) and then conquered to the east (Bavaria/Saxony-Germany) so maybe you can score if for France. Both claim Chrl. (see statute in front of Notre Dame – in Paris, not South Bend) and the 3rd Reich.

Kinda like a Tennesse native/player going to play at/coach at Florida (Alabama) and then having his players/coaches Florida (Alabama) natives/desciples going to coach at Tennessee (and Vanderbilt?).

Except not because in the latter case we’d know how to score it.

Whatever

Oh and S2N — my 16 seems to be on the same wavelength (both parts) as your 8. Sorry, didn’t see it before.

I have and will in the future eat riblets for breakfast. Screw you all for judging me

1. great comment. thanks for sharing.

How many exclamation points can you shove into one blog? Was this written by that old man in the picture, or a 14 year old on her birthday?