Mao!

Boston College takes their first turn in the Vietnamese boathouse tonight, giving us another opportunity to photoshop a coach playing Russian Roulette and another shot at telling you a hastily written list of reasons why you want to watch the Eagles go into Virginia Tech tonight in yet another quality Thursday night college football matchup that will, of course, end in tears.

10. If BC wins, they hate America, since Virginia Tech is America’s Team this year. The entire student body of UVA has also been put on the terrorist watch list as a result of this rule. Good luck flying to Breckenridge this year without a full cavity search, fucknuts!

Also, loud rooting may merit investigation. You have been warned.

9. To see Chris Fowler rock out to Enter Sandman. We’re half-joking–if they get a booth shot of Fowler during Virginia Tech’s entrance, you’ll see diehard Metallica fan Fowler bobbing his head in the booth.

And for an instant, you’ll catch the visage of a 14 year old, acne-stricken little Chris in his room, doing pushups and calling his friend on the phone for the fourth time that day saying, “Have you listened to the bass part on Battery? I mean, REALLY LISTENED? It’s like Satan got jealous and killed Cliff just to put him in his band in hell.”

8. Enter Sandman. Fowler won’t be alone. When we’re terminally ill, we’ll chose to die in whatever state will allow us to be put in a four-poster bed and killed by massive impact from a semi crashing into us at top speed. If we can’t have the heavy metal death of our choice, this isn’t America.

7. Jenkins. Beamer derives his power from him, like Krang riding around in his brain box on his mechanical body. Also control announcers minds, who remind you of how cool it is that Beamerball blocks punts, blocks field goals, blocks sunlight, knocks the keys out of old ladies’ hands in supermarket parking lots, blah blah bla-ad infinitum.

6. Virginia Tech cornerback Victor “Macho” Harris. If a defense would let a cornerback be called “Macho,” he must possess Steve Smith-like abilities to turn larger men into quivering smears of petroleum jelly in film room brawls. Or perhaps, like us, just likes the word from a childhood spent listening to Disney Disco’s beguiling “Macho Duck.” It’s awesome either way, but significantly less fifth-grade gay if it involves beating the crap out of people.

5. Stop to see another wonder of Beamer Ball–a 112th ranked offense with Sean Glennon under center now that Tyrod Taylor, the freshman who took his job, has come up gimpy with an ankle injury. Thus Lee Corso’s unending lust for Virginia Tech football–little scoring equals not hard numbersmath for Lee.

4. Boston College’s Matt Ryan cannot be killed, or he would already be dead. In fact, he may be playing dead right now, avenging his murder on the gridiron and disappearing into the afterlife shortly after the season. Or in the tradition of great Boston College quarterbacks, fading into the CFL or the NFL’s second string–either way you’re practically invisible.

3. Punt blocks! Did someone mention that Virginia Tech blocks punts! And field goals!

2. Sean Glennon’s teary second quarter breakdown on the sidelines following his eighth turnover will appear on the injury report as “Fractured Psyche–out 3-4 months.” This will allow Beamer to run the offense he’s always dreamed of running–the single wing–which will keep the game close enough to be called respectful. Jenkins will glow with approval.

1. Boston College Eagles will return triumphantly to seven fans not watching the World Series. Anyone doubting the propriety or stupidity of this oversight of a fine college football team will be labeled “a fahcking douchebag” by someone in a Wes Welker shirt who will then immediately follow up said slander with “How you like them apples, eh? Tom Brady bangs hot chicks!”

Vegas, move the line! The ever-flammable Kyle Jackson is starting at free safety for Florida this weekend against Georgia in place of freshman Major Wright, out following hand surgery.

Guest columnist and recently fired sports journalist Ted Sheehan joins us for his commentary on this week’s poll.

Ted Sheehan, guest columnist.

You know, this polling thing isn’t that hard, people. It’s just not! It’s all part of something I can slam into a series of sentences I call a column like I slam riblets into my mouth at my favorite local watering holes. Riblets! I’d eat ‘em for breakfast.

You see: just put the undefeated teams at the top.

Why?

Because undefeated teams haven’t lost, and this means they’re good.

Good teams don’t lose? See, it’s simple like that. You only get to the top if you play like a champion every week, and that’s why I’m making it easy for you.

For example: Kansas is undefeated. But so is Ohio State, and so is Hawaii. You see a problem, I see a solution. (That’s why I get paid to write this, people!)

Just put them in order of the number of times they’ve been on television. Ohio State? They’re on television all the time, so they must be good. Put them first. Hawaii? They’re always the late game, so they’re number two.

Kansas? Please! They don’t have a football team. Ha! I know they do. But I couldn’t pick them out of a lineup. So put them at 23, because that’s where teams with undefeated records I’ve never seen go in my poll. Keeps them happy.

But really, not doing this is like trying to decide what good music is without looking at the charts or what good television is like without looking at the ratings. Because people in large numbers? They’re always right.

Perfect example: CSI. It’s number one because it’s the best. I love it. Sometimes, my third wife gets upset at the gore, but that’s ok–I tell her that if she doesn’t like it, I’ll just divorce her and get another wife! Then she cries and leaves the room.

Life’s funny sometimes! (more…)

Right here.

Channing Crowder honed his tackling skills at Florida by attempting to tackle wild boar on hunting trips. (No, really, he did.) This says much for his gusto for the game, and also seems to speak for his intelligence as a whole, judging from this article in the Palm Beach Post about Miami’s upcoming game against the New York Giants in London.

Crowder, a former Florida Gator and Atlanta native, apparently isn’t sure where the plane is headed when it takes off this afternoon for Sunday’s game against the New York Giants in Wembley Stadium.

“I know (Washington Redskins linebacker) London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That’s the closest thing I know to London. He’s black, so I’m sure he’s not from London. I’m sure that’s a coincidental name.”

There’s far too much to mock here, so we’ll just say it: Florida’s geography department sucks. We blame them, and of course, society for failing to educate this young man, who nevertheless sleeps on a pile of money at night with many beautiful women. And I gladly stand UP! Next to you, Channing Crowder, and defend her still today. Even if you can’t find yourself on a map.

(HT: Darkknight.)

Nostalgia is for suckers. That’s why we can’t fucking stand baseball, loaded as it is with all kinds of pisspanted WAAAHHHH moaning for bygone youth and the past. Oh, for the days of segregation and untreatable bacterial infections. Oh, the luminosity of those halcyon days!

To hell with that. We think most people, dropped even a mere twenty years in the past, would take a flamethrower to their surroundings. Where’s the coffee? Wireless internet? Women not wearing pants hiked up to their tits with booming, hairspray-reeking hair? You’d hate it and this is not a lie.

Look no further than the Buckeye Babes video MichiganZone dug up. They’ve got the backstory. We figured we’d just throw this bag of flaming crap on your porch and see what you did with it. Again: the past sucks in every way imaginable, especially 1987.

(Except for the cheap coke. That must have been nice.)