PENN STATE HAS FECES MANAGEMENT PROBLEMS
by Orson on Oct 24, 2007 11:54 AM EDT
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AAAHHH! RUN!!!In the Big Ten, the shit will hit the fan on Saturday night as a classic nexus of Big Ten football, Brent Musburger, and wholesome, sausage-downing fandom meet in Happy Valley as Penn State hosts the undefeated Ohio State Buckeyes.
And if you do plan on attending the game, please note that big games at Penn State tend to have a laxative effect on fans, and that you may be hard up for a place to deposit the angry, glowing bolus of processed sausage and potato salad you're carrying around in your bowels like five pounds of spare change.
"The number of comfort stations being provided currently is woefully inadequate from a health and safety standpoint," Brumbaugh’s letter says. "The handful of comfort stations in the parking lots are, quite literally, full and overflowing with human waste creating untold potential health and safety problems for PSU football patrons and, ultimately, the general public."
(We blame heavy, hearty Midwestern fare for the problem--it's painful enough when your intestines grab the wheel, but the mandate becomes even more urgent when you've got a solid two pounds of brats, potatoes, and casserole blowing through the tollbooth without paying. Barbecue and chips at least stops you up until a bitter, teary fight-crap the following morning.)
The myth of overflowing styrofoam coolers at Ohio State tailgates remains that: a myth. (Albeit, one we heartily support, since it is funny, and should therefore be true. It's rollin'!) This, however, is a documented public health and sanitation crisis, with 100,000 tailgaters relying on a paltry 339 portable toilets for relief. The recommended number for a crowd of this size is 957, meaning that refugee camps in Chad could, theoretically, have better shit logistics than Penn State on gameday.
And big games really do seem to intensify the problem: while the average gameday sees 7,000 gallons of blue-brownish cloacal goo pumped from the premises, this year's Notre Dame game saw 18,000 gallons of shit punch taken off site. (We'll beat you to it. Charlie Weis was not the sole reason for the jump, and don't even try to suggest it.) We can only imagine that the combination of college football's two fecal superpowers--one mythic, one documented--could result in a turdocaust of rogue wave proportions.
HT: Senator Blutarsky.
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naw, see, penn state doesn’t need that many bathrooms cuz they just save their waste for future use (ie, throwing it on the band of the opposing team)
by bup bup bup on Oct 24, 2007 12:12 PM EDT reply actions
I just think it’s Joe Pa’s way to toughen up the Penn State fans: Have sanitation conditions that harken back to feudal times.
by Mike on Oct 24, 2007 12:15 PM EDT reply actions
oh also, this is how pen state fans express their solidarity with their coach: if he’s gonna crap his pants during a game, by God, so are they
by bup bup bup on Oct 24, 2007 12:17 PM EDT reply actions
My guess is that Charlie Weis was the sole reason for the jump
by PeteJayhawk on Oct 24, 2007 12:22 PM EDT reply actions
Orson is obviously fresh off of Tony Bourdain’s just aired No Reservations Cleveland episode….
by Bobby Decatur on Oct 24, 2007 12:22 PM EDT reply actions
They could do what Anthony Morelli does almost every week: take a shit right on the field.
by Dave on Oct 24, 2007 12:23 PM EDT reply actions
Also, comfort stations? What is this, Happy Valley Prefecture?
by PeteJayhawk on Oct 24, 2007 12:24 PM EDT reply actions
That 339 number is bullocks. As a frequent tailgater, I can vouch that there are way more port-o-potties than that.
This generally isn’t an issue except for later games (ND was 6pm, can’t wait to see what happens for an 8pm start!)
mountain of shit out of a mole-hill if you ask me
by PSUrob on Oct 24, 2007 12:25 PM EDT reply actions
Well played, #4. Nothing like a spontaneous burst of laughter while staring at a laptop in a public venue…
by Bobby Decatur on Oct 24, 2007 12:26 PM EDT reply actions
Nick Saban literally does not have time for this shit.
by RaginCajun on Oct 24, 2007 12:28 PM EDT reply actions
- - Nice! The article in Sky Magazine on Tony Bourdain was still fresh on my mind. Thanks for the guffaw!
by Out of Conference on Oct 24, 2007 12:33 PM EDT reply actions
EDSBS – come for the football, stay for the scatalogia!
by Gentleman Masher on Oct 24, 2007 12:34 PM EDT reply actions
i’ve got a billion of em. poop jokes: the staple of any Ohio State fans’ repertoire
by bup bup bup on Oct 24, 2007 12:41 PM EDT reply actions
“Turdocaust” made me so hard that I nearly created a poonami. Well done, cocktails and extra TP all around.
by Hokie Andrew on Oct 24, 2007 12:50 PM EDT reply actions
Chik-fil-A diet lemonade through the nose upon reading about the “bitter, teary fight-crap.” It burns.
by RIP Logan Young on Oct 24, 2007 1:01 PM EDT reply actions
The Notre Dame doo-doo delta at Happy Valley isn’t hard to explain – the visiting Domers had their sphincters loosened by events on the field. And who cold blame them? It’s hard to cope when your fans have more reliable runs than your offense.
by DC Trojan on Oct 24, 2007 1:01 PM EDT reply actions
How can a port-o-potty be overflowing? Who the hell even gets near one of those things when it’s close to overflowing so as to become the “straw that broke the camel’s back”, so to speak?
by PW on Oct 24, 2007 1:11 PM EDT reply actions
“Gaw! That is the most pungent thing I have ever smelled, and I am from India!”
by Anonymous IV on Oct 24, 2007 1:17 PM EDT reply actions
Jesus Christ!! The Buckeyes get their turn in the boathouse this Saturday night and the most you guys can think to talk about is shit?!?!?!
MAO…….spurt spurt spurt spurt…… thud!
by mhentz on Oct 24, 2007 1:18 PM EDT reply actions
- - Morelli’s into that sort of thing; he’s all about taking a dump on the Beaver.
Pass the Pepto, please.
by Signal to Noise on Oct 24, 2007 1:19 PM EDT reply actions
Well you do have to break a few eggs to make a “Havana Omelete!”
by Touchdown74 on Oct 24, 2007 1:24 PM EDT reply actions
“Barbecue and chips at least stops you up until a bitter, teary fight-crap the following morning.”
Jesus Christ, you’ve just described my post-Saturday-tailgate Sunday Morning NFL pre-grame ritual in vivid 1080p detail. I had a visitor from Happy Valley visit Knoxpatch one time and the next morning, I had to show him my own toilet chili to convince him that he wasn’t suffering from a perforated colon and massive internal bleeding.
If loving that spicy pulled pork BBQ is wrong, then I don’t want to be right….
by MeytonPanning on Oct 24, 2007 1:26 PM EDT reply actions
Let’s all hope that Randy Marsh doesn’t drop a 13 kurec log at the game.
HOT! HOT! hothot hot hot hot
by Odell 51 on Oct 24, 2007 1:31 PM EDT reply actions
Gentlemen, put in your mouthpiece and hit the toilet!
God how I love potty humor.
by DHC on Oct 24, 2007 1:38 PM EDT reply actions
See, even in a down year the Big Televen has their shit together.
by fotodog on Oct 24, 2007 1:54 PM EDT reply actions
dc trojan…bravo. i agree down to the depths of my nd soul. finally someone put my feeling of that games into words i can relate to.
by alanon on Oct 24, 2007 2:02 PM EDT reply actions
- (mhentz):
I don’t think tOSU need worry about a trip to the boathouse this weekend — but I am expecting a low-scoring game. Two stout defenses + two mediocre offenses = defensive spectacular.
Can’t wait :)
by Miller on Oct 24, 2007 2:03 PM EDT reply actions
thank you orson for helping me with the name of my new speed metal band…
teary fight-crap
by Futbawl Fan on Oct 24, 2007 2:21 PM EDT reply actions
Who needs a portable toilet anyway?
Signed,
Najeh Davenport
by Raider Red on Oct 24, 2007 2:22 PM EDT reply actions
See, what you have to do to prevent the “brats, spuds, and casserole express from blowing through the tollbooth” is eat a block of cheese pre-game.
After all, it sure seems to work at keeping the bathrooms sufficiently clear at Camp Randall for … alternative uses.
by Albino Tornado on Oct 24, 2007 2:30 PM EDT reply actions
Michael constantly makes fun of me for my absolute love of toilet humor, and this was one of the best bits on the subject that I’ve ever read!! Don’t you love how they call port-o-potties “comfort statiions”? Does no one else find that hillarious? There is nothing "comfortable " about a port-o-potty. In our family, we prefer the woods….or in Michael’s case, the a wide-open parking lot at a fraternity house.
by Michael's Wife on Oct 24, 2007 2:40 PM EDT reply actions
Is there a profession that studies human excrement? Stool-io-pathology, Poo-ology, Fecendrocrinology?
Swindle, you may have tipped shite researchers off to their greatest untapped discovery ground yet. Fuck the amazon, cancer’s cure found right there in your friendly parking lot tailgate-toll-booth.
by MeytonPanning on Oct 24, 2007 2:41 PM EDT reply actions
I fail to see how this is a problem, Ohio State is coming to town and everyone knows they prefer to use styrofoam coolers to store their feces.
by Nick on Oct 24, 2007 2:49 PM EDT reply actions
I’m utterly shocked at the lack of dirty sanchez and cleveland steamer references!
by tOSU_radar on Oct 24, 2007 2:56 PM EDT reply actions
Who – does – number – two – work – for?
Who – does – number – two – work – for?
Ten minutes later…
Oh, everyone likes their own brand, don’t they? Oh, this is magic!
by DC Trojan on Oct 24, 2007 2:57 PM EDT reply actions
Michael’s wife—
Are you He-Bro’s mom?
-TCOAN
by The Conscience of a Nation on Oct 24, 2007 2:58 PM EDT reply actions
We all know it is Ty Willingham’s fault for that jump. Weis was left with his recruits. He was just dropping the 3* Cosby kids off at the pool.
by Jonsi on Oct 24, 2007 3:26 PM EDT reply actions
Typically, most facilities in stadiums are woefully inadequate when Muntsberger opens his mouth.
by roaminggator on Oct 24, 2007 3:27 PM EDT reply actions
As a Buckeye fan, I’m glad to see some SEC folks thorwing some respect our way for once. We might not have the most talented conference top-to-bottom but at least we’re still a wholesome, sausage-downing fandom.
We need a certain amount of blubbery food to combat the cold which cooncidentally moved into Ohio yesterday and is most likely here to stay.
by hangonskoky on Oct 24, 2007 4:27 PM EDT reply actions
Now we know the rest of the story behind JoePoo’s run to glory last season.
He couldn’t find a vacant ‘comfort station’ before the game.
by Mr Wrestling # TWO on Oct 24, 2007 4:42 PM EDT reply actions
I thought comfort stations were some kind of hand job receiving area…at least that’s what it sounds like to me, since i still have the brain of a 16 y/o.
by Brian on Oct 24, 2007 4:43 PM EDT reply actions
in their defense, the last two years of florida/georgia, at the landing many, many of the toilets overflowed. last year alone, on the east/south side of the landing, i went through 18 toilets that were literally overflowing. as someone who wears sandals, it’s a fortunate thing that it was florida/georgia, and i was drunk enough to find this to be one of the most hilarious things in history. also fortunate? throwing my sandals at georgia fans who had attempted to go a 5-on-1 against my buddy before joining in the brawl. “HYAAAAAAAAA DIIIIIIEEEEEEEE”
by Cameron Siggs on Oct 24, 2007 5:22 PM EDT reply actions
Jesus, Orson! Didn’t you <a href=“http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/?p=3640”see this coming?
(FYI, because you all need to know. Delicious, greasy food caused me to crap approximately 7 times before and during our recent game against Wisconsin, and I had absolutely no problem finding an acceptably clean toilet. Before the game, use the Bryce Jordan Center. During the game, go down to the ground level bathrooms. Little tip from your Uncle Larry.)
by Run Up The Score on Oct 24, 2007 8:50 PM EDT reply actions
so this is why the big 11 is shit this year.
HEY-OOO!!
by robert on Oct 25, 2007 12:31 AM EDT reply actions
100 cocktails to you, sir, for making me laugh so hard this morning I nearly blew my coffee through my nose.
by JB on Oct 25, 2007 8:25 AM EDT reply actions
wouldn’t surprise me if ohio state fans crap in the cooler. at osu-michigan last year there were so few port-o-potties that everyone was going behind some delivery trucks in a parking lot. by gametime there was a lake of piss….seriously a lake of piss about 6 inches deep at the low point.
cops weren’t arresting anyone, though. they were standing on the roof overlooking the piss wall and dumping water on people.
by fattus on Oct 25, 2007 12:37 PM EDT reply actions
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