DAN HAWKINS WILL APPEAR WHEN THE STUDENT IS READY
by Orson on Oct 23, 2007 10:59 AM EDT
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PrintDan Hawkins' blog sounds a bit like the sadly defunct Tressel's World: an internet Potemkin Village actually constructed by a deranged college football fan with too much time on his/her hands and in the grip of a wicked fascination with home hovercraft technology. We were prepared for disappointment and the inevitable dwindling of the blog to nothing but a final post and sad internet silence.
Yet Coach Dan Hawkins' blog is not only real--it will fucking change your life, brother. Because Dan Hawkins knows you're not living life to the fullest, and he's got the blinding html skills and excerpts from motivational handbooks and half-baked eastern philosophy texts to shoot gallons of metaphysical nitrous into those underperforming cylinders of yours, as evidenced by this awesome screenshot. Be the bow!
He quotes Clint Black at the top, something we'd make fun of if we didn't earnestly love like at least ten Clint Black songs. That midget can rock, albeit in a countryish, paralyzed on one side of his mouth kind of way. We like to think of Clint Black as what Terry Bowden looks like in his wildest fantasies, where he's tearing ass on a horse across the Western landscape with Catherine Bach on the back of his saddle and his shirt open to reveal ripped pecs and abs.
But don't limit him to country, spirit-prison-warden:
Music? I am going with the ole standby, Van Morrison. Again, don’t listen to the top 40 stuff of Brown Eyed Girl. Dig a little deeper, some great soul searching going on there!
Oh, Coach Hawkins. You make us want to curl up on a brown couch in a brown house decorated in various shades of brown, eating fondue, listening to Van Morrison, and just enjoying the mellow vibe of our new, multilevel contemporary house, all soaked in before a drive in the new Audi, maybe a little raquetball at the club, and then a relaxing dip in the hot tub with some Riunite while Gaucho plays in the background.
(HT: MK)
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and it stoned me to my soul
stoned me just like jelly roll
and it stoned me
by gerry dorsey on Oct 23, 2007 11:07 AM EDT reply actions
“My Losing Season” is a great book.
(Weeps)
by Gentleman Masher on Oct 23, 2007 11:12 AM EDT reply actions
I love the site, but you guys spend a lot of time talking about ripped pecs & abs, balls, and penises.
by Brad on Oct 23, 2007 11:13 AM EDT reply actions
Yeah, well Lynyrd Fucking Skynyrd is playing Gator Growl, so put that in your Ipod and smoke it, Dan Hawkins.
Go listen to intramurals, brother.
by Allahver Fist on Oct 23, 2007 11:25 AM EDT reply actions
So what’s up with the random string of words?
Brotherhood – Love – Ice Cream – Vision
Intelligence – Stroudel – Patience
Paradise City – Divinity – Agility – Perseverence
by Biggus Rickus on Oct 23, 2007 11:36 AM EDT reply actions
What is “Mastery Orientation?” Is that a class he’s teaching?
by PW on Oct 23, 2007 11:51 AM EDT reply actions
Orson,
These quotes and random string of quasi-motivational terms adorn CU’s new million dollar locker room…
by Z on Oct 23, 2007 11:53 AM EDT reply actions
I almost made it to UA homecoming 4-5 years ago when Skynyrd played that. So bummed that I had agreed to participate in a psych study, & the cash i received was later robbed from me. ATL hobos are sweet!
by Brian on Oct 23, 2007 11:53 AM EDT reply actions
Orson,
Do these quotes and random string of quasi-motivational terms adorn CU’s new million dollar locker room… and what is “Mastery Orientation”
Sincerely,
Confused CU Fan
by Z on Oct 23, 2007 11:54 AM EDT reply actions
Z
You appear to have answered your own question and re-asked mine.
by PW on Oct 23, 2007 12:01 PM EDT reply actions
When I got to the “deranged college football fan” I thought Orson was going to confess to moonlighting for the Coachi Llama.
Remember, Van Morrison was also the lead singer for Them.
by OhioDawg on Oct 23, 2007 12:03 PM EDT reply actions
What would Dan Hawkins have to say about my having to just now approve (for a second time) the delay of the Psycho Fan blah blah Book? Swindle, you DO know that you’re dealing with psychotics here, don’t ya?
by Allahver Fist on Oct 23, 2007 12:08 PM EDT reply actions
Larry Sanders is cool with Clint Black.
That’s good enough for me.
by hoopinion on Oct 23, 2007 12:09 PM EDT reply actions
If you’re going to quote a song, at least go with something timeless…
Soulja Boy Off In This Hoe
Watch Me Lean And Watch Me Rock
Super Man Dat Hoe
Then Watch Me Crank Dat Robocop
Super Fresh, Now Watch Me Jock
Jocking On Them Haterz Man
When I Do Dat Soulja Boy
I Lean To The Left And Crank Dat Dance
Soulja Boy
by wardo on Oct 23, 2007 12:17 PM EDT reply actions
Any song that mentions jelly roll (even if the original is a reference to Morton) is a favorite of Fulmer’s.
by OhioDawg on Oct 23, 2007 12:24 PM EDT reply actions
- - Just another example of how rap/hip-hop has sunk to new lows…At least Bigge was rappin about SOMETHING…these fools are just stringing rhymes together of words they just made up. I think that’s called scatting.
Hawkins is trying to hire Tony Robbins as the Special teams coach for next year, so i heard.
by Brian on Oct 23, 2007 12:52 PM EDT reply actions
“Competence-Needed” At least he’s honest.
“When the student is ready the teacher will appear” was the greatest episode of Kung Fu ever!
And HT to Orson for a Catherine Bach reference.
by WDamnE on Oct 23, 2007 1:08 PM EDT reply actions
Wow. Did Hawkins use those sk33lz to design the Rockies’ ticket website?
by bitterhorn on Oct 23, 2007 1:17 PM EDT reply actions
Clint Black’s most significant accomplishment is nailing Lisa Hartman. God bless him—she was molten hot in the eighties.
by Brandon Lang on Oct 23, 2007 1:21 PM EDT reply actions
If you replace Riunite with Ruffino Chianti then you just described my American dream.
Sadly, I’m not kidding.
by GamecockTony on Oct 23, 2007 2:34 PM EDT reply actions
how can this be real?
you’ve obviously never met the man in person.
he’s not as cartoonish as it sounds, but he does like to think theres a lot of sensai to his ways
by boise state fan on Oct 23, 2007 5:44 PM EDT reply actions
Oh my God. Is this for real? Whatever happened to Keep It Simple, Stupid:
by JB on Oct 23, 2007 8:44 PM EDT reply actions
sammie and jay whitlow appreciate the fact that he quoutes clint black but whitlow is quick to agree that the union with Lisa H. is by far clin’ts most significant accomplishment, thanks jay.
by eric y on Dec 27, 2007 9:16 PM EST reply actions
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