CAPTION CONTEST: RIVER CITY RIVALRY
That’s college football’s most Dadaist rivalry trophy, the River City Rivalry, being hoisted in triumph by its unlikely holders, the Pitt Panthers. Pitt upset Cincy in the game, thus delighting long-suffering Pitt fan Chas and further stunting the hype surrounding 2007 Cincinnati’s renaissance.
It also means Pitt gets to hold the strange trophy for a year. What the hell they’ll do with it is anyone’s guess since it seems to be designed to be both impractical and unwieldy all at the same time. We can only guess at its uses, and what they’re saying at this happy, joyous moment in Pitt’s recently dismal football history.
“WOOOOO! We’re turning this party all the way up to PITT!”
“And now Marco…summon the Old Ones! Now!”
“Who left the blue-whale-sized rectal thermometer out here?”
“Help! It’s getting warm and vibrating! Someone help!”
“Look! ON! Wannstache. OFF! No Wannstache. ON! Wannstache! OFF! No Wannstache.”
“Hey! HEY! What the hell am I supposed to do with this hunk of shit? GUYS!”
Leave your own below.
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1
D'Jango says:
“I keep trying to turn back time to when I could have gone to a better football school, but this dial doesn’t seem to work.”
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:12 pm
2
Texas_Dawg says:
Clammy—>Harmless—>Mild—>Wild—>Sexy—>Burning—>Passionate–>Hot Stuff—>Uncontrollable—>PITT
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:17 pm
3
Captain Awesome says:
Caption aside, the dude in the bandanna (Darrell Strong) looks like he’s humping that thing into next week.
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:17 pm
4
Oops Pow Surprise says:
Well, Captain Awesome took care of everything I came here to say.
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:19 pm
5
Sabanite says:
LOOK! A big bottle of ketchup!
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:23 pm
6
Nothsa says:
I’d hit it.
At least based on bandana guy’s expression, that trophy can give far more than it gets.
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:23 pm
7
PW says:
“Holy Shit…a trophy! Who’d have ever thought a Wannstedt-coached team would ever fucking hold one of these?!”
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:23 pm
8
Majorly English says:
After being bamboozled by the Naval Academy earlier in the year, Wannstache takes the “join ‘em” approach by acquiring as much maritime paraphernalia as his PayPal account (wannstud69-24-7) can muster.
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:24 pm
9
Senor Pez says:
“Whoo!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YK18wQA-tHs
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:27 pm
10
BloodSpite says:
Ooh! Look! It moves!
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:28 pm
11
Papa Lou BSU says:
“Cool! Remote-control mini-boats! This is just like going to Kennywood! Somebody go get some tokens…”
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:28 pm
12
Otis! says:
“No Whammy! No Whammy!! NowhammyNowhammy!!!!….. STOP!
FUCK! Wannstache.
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:29 pm
13
KongHorn says:
Avast! Full speed ahead to “This is the last game we’ll win this season!”
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:30 pm
14
Little Lebowski Urban Achiever says:
With the Wannstedtor 3000, your team can go from god awful to mediocre in 2.7 seasons.
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:38 pm
15
Mr Pelican Pants says:
“Scotty, set engines to Time Warp Factor 5, set it back before we hired Wannastache!! STAT!!! Make sure it goes Ching-Ching before you hit the button, we dont want to be stuck in a paradox and have 2 Wannastaches running around!!!”
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:38 pm
16
DC Trojan says:
Dude, look out, that’s a time machine, you’ve just moved it to “Mark May returns!” Nooooooooooooooo!
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:44 pm
17
NativeSon says:
Where’s the siren? They said this thing had a siren! GIMME A FUCKIN’ SIREN!!!!
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:47 pm
18
Little Lebowski Urban Achiever says:
Damnit Collins! Quit screwing around. Wannstedt wants this back on his yacht by sunset!
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:47 pm
19
Mr Pelican Pants says:
“Today, in the Pittsburgh Press, the headline reads “An Old Tyme Double Decker Riverboat went over the Pittsburgh Falls ,during a botched robbery attempt, the engine controls were taken, and all 100 people that were on board are missing or presumed dead. 3 suspects swam off, and are at large wearing blue, cheap looking athletic jerseys.”
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:52 pm
20
lance harbor says:
Is that the “bring back Jackie Sherrill” option right under Pitt?
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:53 pm
21
Doug says:
“Full steam ahead . . . to Charlotte!”
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:54 pm
22
Mr Pelican Pants says:
Some lady in Germany called. She says “Quit flicking my lights on and off.”
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:54 pm
23
Doug says:
Or
“Yeah, Darrell Strong looks like he’s having a blast right now, but just wait until I pull the lever from ‘Fellate’ to ‘Non-Anaesthetized Prostatectomy.’ “
October 22nd, 2007 at 5:00 pm
24
jebus says:
“Mah EYEZZZZ!!! Ya SHOT STEAM IN MAH EYEZZ!!”
“Your other right, Collins! Turn it to your other right… goddamnit…”
October 22nd, 2007 at 5:02 pm
25
MalibuJuice says:
“Iceburg Dead Ahead!”
October 22nd, 2007 at 5:02 pm
26
Land of Os(borne) says:
Okay, upper right. Is that the world’s largest umbrella or am I seeing things again?
October 22nd, 2007 at 5:06 pm
27
Mr Pelican Pants says:
Hey guys, ya gotta try this new thing called the Orgasmotron 6000!! Its even got its own throttle!!
October 22nd, 2007 at 5:10 pm
28
Mr Pelican Pants says:
This is the weirdest Penis Pump I’ve ever tried, hell it takes 3 people to work it, but it Guarantees results, better than the Extendeze!!
October 22nd, 2007 at 5:12 pm
29
Kerwin4two says:
Gramma says we gotta hit the “Play Max Credits” button to get the superjackpot
October 22nd, 2007 at 5:15 pm
30
JPMelk says:
Wannstache: Re-verify our range to target… one ping only.
Vasili Borodin: Captain, I – I – I just…
Wannstache: Give me a ping, Vasili. One ping only, please.
Vasili: Aye, Captain.
October 22nd, 2007 at 5:18 pm
31
robert says:
I don’t care how you do it…you must sink the Wannstache.
October 22nd, 2007 at 5:24 pm
32
Tailgator says:
“How do you turn this thing to hookerville?”
October 22nd, 2007 at 5:28 pm
33
Mr Pelican Pants says:
Wheres the Belt to this Belt Massager? Wannastache wants to try it out.
October 22nd, 2007 at 5:29 pm
34
Mr Pelican Pants says:
Dude on the left:
Stop Stop Stop!!! Dont Pull on the Handle!!! This is the Eunuch Maker 2000, not the Orgasmatron 6000!!! They got the wrong one!!!
October 22nd, 2007 at 5:33 pm
35
One And Done says:
When the going gets rough & the stomach acids flow, and the cold wind of conformity is nipping at your nose, when some new trendy atrocity has brought you to your knees… come with us & we’ll sail the Seas of Cheese….
October 22nd, 2007 at 5:37 pm
36
One And Done says:
What I get on eBay for dis 5hit?
October 22nd, 2007 at 5:40 pm
37
One And Done says:
Hard starboard to Port Palko, biiiiiitches!!!
October 22nd, 2007 at 5:41 pm
38
One And Done says:
Giant cheese grater… activate! Gonna be some off da chain parmesaaaan up in heeeeeyeeeeerereeeee
October 22nd, 2007 at 5:44 pm
39
One And Done says:
I bet if we stand just like so, somebody will make a fark out of us…
October 22nd, 2007 at 5:45 pm
40
Xaryn says:
Coach Wannstadt’s motivational team tour of the Titanic Museum goes horribly wrong….
October 22nd, 2007 at 5:50 pm
41
Jeremy says:
Don’t pull too hard…you might bring back the lithping Wlat Harrith…PANTHERRANTS!
October 22nd, 2007 at 6:00 pm
42
PSUrob says:
“It reminds me of the heady days of Marino and Curtis Martin when the world trembled at the sound of our rockets. Now they will tremble again – at the sound of our silence. The order is: engage the River City Trophy.”
October 22nd, 2007 at 6:06 pm
43
chris says:
“I keep pumping in quarters but this thing never pays out!”
October 22nd, 2007 at 6:07 pm
44
Jackson says:
“*sigh*….just put it next to the foosball table.”
October 22nd, 2007 at 6:08 pm
45
Brody says:
CRANK DAT!
October 22nd, 2007 at 6:09 pm
46
haybeav says:
“Crank dat soulja boy”
October 22nd, 2007 at 6:16 pm
47
bamaman181 says:
Now, I’ll just set this thing back to 1976… the last time Pitt football was remotely freaking relevant!!!
October 22nd, 2007 at 6:19 pm
48
Doug says:
“ADDDDDDRIIIIIIAAAANNNNNNNNN”
October 22nd, 2007 at 6:48 pm
49
Mr Pelican Pants says:
In a weird turn of events, the Homeland Security Advisory System is now elevated to….. Threat Level Pitt????
October 22nd, 2007 at 6:50 pm
50
MCab says:
WE WON A THROTTLE! WE WON A THROTTLE! WOOOO!
October 22nd, 2007 at 6:52 pm
51
bayareablue says:
damn, this thing weighs like 300 courics!
October 22nd, 2007 at 6:53 pm
52
John says:
The scary part is the Uconn loses two games and Pitt runs the table, the BCS is forced to have an 8-4 team. Hey, if Pitt could do it in 2004, why not 2007?
October 22nd, 2007 at 6:57 pm
53
BGibs says:
“Yo dawg, how long we gots to pretend this means somethin?!”
October 22nd, 2007 at 7:02 pm
54
TalkyTina says:
My name is Talky Tina, and if you don’t stop making fun of Pitt you’ll be sorry.
October 22nd, 2007 at 7:39 pm
55
Smyth says:
This must be the machine that was selling the World Series tickets this morning.
October 22nd, 2007 at 8:02 pm
56
bamaman181 says:
dude in bandana speaking to #30, with great emotion and rapid breaths…
“Crank it harder, bro, that’s it, keep on, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, YEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!”
October 22nd, 2007 at 8:10 pm
57
CLTDawg says:
I told you dawg – stick your dick in one of them holes and I’m slicin’ it off……..
@ NativeSon – +1000 – you win
@ Doug – Keep the Wannstache away from Charlotte. We want to keep our women safe from that thing.
October 22nd, 2007 at 8:20 pm
58
TAL says:
The sad state of college athletics and gambling.
October 22nd, 2007 at 8:23 pm
59
bup bup bup says:
FUCK YEAH WE’RE MORE MARGINALLY RELEVANT THAN THOU CRANK THAT LEVER AND SHOW THEM THEIR LACK OF MARGINALITY
October 22nd, 2007 at 8:36 pm
60
Mike says:
“How quickly can we chrome this bitch?!”
October 22nd, 2007 at 8:36 pm
61
Digital Headbutt says:
And with one pull of a magic lever, Conredge Collins (#30) sends an anvil out of the sky, crashing down on the Wannstache.
October 22nd, 2007 at 8:38 pm
62
Pants McPants says:
“Where the hell did this come from and why does it say ‘Tebow left, Tebow right, and Tebow up the middle’ ?”
October 22nd, 2007 at 8:39 pm
63
Big Red says:
“Our lasers are set to ’stache”
October 22nd, 2007 at 8:42 pm
64
GamecockStew says:
Flava Flave!!!!!!!!!!!!!
October 22nd, 2007 at 8:46 pm
65
Rex Cramer says:
“Who put this boat thingy on top of my Connect Four game?”
October 22nd, 2007 at 8:48 pm
66
letsplaytummysticks says:
And with one flush of the fanciest toilet in Pittsburgh Cincy’s season goes down the drain.
October 22nd, 2007 at 9:01 pm
67
Out of Conference says:
White guy in background (jersey #72) from South Georgia: That’s right darkies, ya’ll carry this shit back to coach’s office .
October 22nd, 2007 at 9:08 pm
68
Out of Conference says:
Taggart: Dang, that was lucky. Doggone near lost a four hundred dollar handcart.
October 22nd, 2007 at 9:10 pm
69
jamiedawgfan says:
ALL ABOARD for LOSERVILLE! WooHoo!
October 22nd, 2007 at 9:38 pm
70
chris says:
which way do make beer come out coach
October 22nd, 2007 at 11:02 pm
71
Eirishis says:
As you can see … and likely smell … once the Shitodometer reachers “Maximum Pitt”, you can be sure that somewhere in the surrounding area is a foul football-like substance.
October 22nd, 2007 at 11:03 pm
72
formerlyanonymous says:
“Someone Please Set This Thing To Stop So I’ll Never Have To See It Again.”
“Argh, we stole this from capt’n leach’s office.”
October 22nd, 2007 at 11:14 pm
73
Mr Pelican Pants says:
Damn Coach Wannastache and his scavenger hunts!!!
October 22nd, 2007 at 11:25 pm
74
Mr Pelican Pants says:
When I flip this switch, let the daylight firework show begin!!!
October 22nd, 2007 at 11:45 pm
75
Cameron Siggs says:
nativeson wins…he totally read my mind….damn…all i gots is still…
GIMME A FUCKIN’ SIREN!!ONE!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!1!!!!!!1!!!!!!#$@!!!
October 23rd, 2007 at 1:48 am
76
NDTom says:
“Does this thing go up to 11?”
October 23rd, 2007 at 1:57 am
77
Brody says:
PREPARE SHIP… FOR LUDICROUS SPEED!
October 23rd, 2007 at 2:13 am
78
Ben says:
The Tardis is ours!
October 23rd, 2007 at 3:44 am
79
blackertai says:
“It won’t beat Navy, but it’ll make the Kessel run in three and a half parsecs.”
-
or
-
Beating Navy ain’t like dustin’ crops, boy! You go in without planning and you could end up losing to a service academy or coming out and throwing with a freshman QB.
October 23rd, 2007 at 3:55 am
80
Touchdown74 says:
Is that a prop from the new movie “Harry Potter & The Outing of Dumbledore???”
October 23rd, 2007 at 6:44 am
81
Heath says:
Capt. Wannastache: Did we wake you up?
Willie: No sir, we’ve been up since the crack of noon.
October 23rd, 2007 at 7:33 am
82
chris says:
Wanny comin around I see. Yeeaaahhh boooooyyyyy Pitt is comin back!!
October 23rd, 2007 at 7:46 am
83
cgb says:
After a long fought battle we finally have the final piece to our time machine, the chronodemastonictor.
October 23rd, 2007 at 8:16 am
84
sweeptheleg says:
oh we throwin some rims on this btch.
October 23rd, 2007 at 8:18 am
85
I R A Darth Aggie says:
Dude, pull my crank!
Um, ok.
sound of long and satisfying fart
Oh, dude, you didn’t? oh, m*th*r f*ck*r RUN, RUN AWAY
October 23rd, 2007 at 8:23 am
86
Brian says:
Somebody put speed holes in our trophy.
October 23rd, 2007 at 8:40 am
87
Hossnfeffer says:
Hell Yeah! Phasers set to – 5 and 7!
October 23rd, 2007 at 9:20 am
88
Mr. Ashley Russell says:
“I should have worn my singlet and cape for this!”
October 23rd, 2007 at 10:34 am
89
Spats says:
“Connect Four!!!”
October 23rd, 2007 at 11:03 am
90
d. says:
In an unprecedented River City Rivalry finish, the Pittsburgh Panthers defeated the Cincinnati Bearcats in a triple overtime contest of barometric connect three. Neither team was able to connect three pieces, so a seventy-thirty decision in favor of the Panthers gave Pitt the victory.
“We felt it was the right decision,” Pitt coach Dave Wannstedt remarked after the victory. “We were up two to one, and we had them pinned pretty good… no way they connected on that board!”
Cincinnati scored first, but the tables turned in the third quarter when a low settled in over the area. Squalls continued into overtime. The Bearcats came close to evening the score at the end of the final OT when a favorable pull was foiled by a sudden gust of humid air, resulting in a ’stop’. Cincinnati could not overcome two second half pulls landing in Pitt territory, turnovers that changed the game’s complexion.
“We clutch as f*ck baby!” shouted the Panthers’ Conredge Collins over the on field celebration. Collins had both scoring pulls.
Pitt faces its biggest test of the season next week at undefeated South Florida. Wannstedt: “We’ll need some help down there next week.. they have a tremendous home field. It’s late in the season and a high’s rolling in, so I’m liking our chances.”
October 23rd, 2007 at 1:03 pm
91
Tailgate Shogun says:
The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the trophy: eleven, eleven, eleven and…
– Oh, I see. And most trophies go up to ten?
Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?
- Put it up to eleven?
Eleven. Exactly. One louder.
October 23rd, 2007 at 3:45 pm
92
BloodSpite says:
So…where does the beer come out at?
October 24th, 2007 at 9:25 am