FLORIDA VERSUS KENTUCKY: A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY

by Orson on Oct 19, 2007 11:37 AM EDT

Brooks: winless against Florida. For now.

Florida plays Kentucky in Commonwealth Stadium this Saturday in a game that those paid to actually write about the game without profanities refer to as a "game that matters." Mattering or not, Florida versus Kentucky has always been a movable feast of a game, albeit sometimes a morbidly fascinating one--like a good bear-baiting match or bullfight, even the blowouts have had their points of interest along the way to the predictable finish.

Therefore, we begin our own sentimental jersey with the team that has been, in our lifetime at least, the most charismatic of SEC doormats, Kentucky. We have to do this now because, after 20 straight victories, the Wildcats stand as good a chance of snapping the streak as they ever have, so we must look back on the ashes while we can.

1993: "Doering's got a touchdown!" An announcer who has a simple factual statement as his standard, go-to memory call is a less than charismatic announcer, but that's Florida's own Mick Hubert, a sapling next to the Redwood of Larry Munson. If he were a writer, he'd have to cite an industrial manual as his finest work; if he were a musician, he would have written the Empire Carpet song.

Hubert's extremely factual call comes from a game where the Fun 'n Gun misfired in cataclysmic fashion: Terry Dean the INT Machine and Danny Wuerffel threw a combined seven interceptions against Kentucky, giving the 'Cats short field, freebie scores, and all the rope they needed to tie up Florida in a 20-17 game on the road.

Wuerffel was young at the time, as in the kind of young where he showed up to the game and people remarked about that cute middle school fan who came in full pads with his own unpronounceable name on the back and wanted to go play on the field with the big boys.

He also threw like a middle schooler hefting a full-sized ball for the first time: hefting it from his shoulder from his hips, driving up through the legs and shotputting it into the field of play awkwardly. Somehow, improbably, the ball always seemed to end up where it should...in the arms of Chris Doering, for example, with seven seconds left on the clock to stab Kentucky dead, 24-20.

This was the one moment of tension in a tale of slaughter and spiteful smiting otherwise known as...

The Curry Years: Blood on the Highway, '90-'96. When watching Mad Max, the camera shoots right from the front of the trucks, so that when Max, for example, steps on the gas pedal and crushes a mohawked, shotgun-wielding punk with the full bulk and force of an 18-wheeler, you fully understand just how much unadulterated vengeance flows through the man's veins.

The camera angles were extreme and unforgiving during the Bill Curry era, as well. Curry let Spurrier go when he cleared out Pepper Rodgers' staff out and tossed the budding young genius-baby out with the bathwater. Failing to recognize the obvious radiant halo of football god-dom around him, Curry set the stage for a seven year vengeance play coordinated by the hands of the most vengeful playcaller this side of Genghis Khan.

The '93 game was an outlier compared to the rest of Bill Curry's extremely long and painful lesson in exactly why he should not have tossed Spurrier to the wind at Tech: promising his coaching staff he would "never call the dogs off" against Curry, Spurrier won every game he coached against Curry by an average score of 46-13, including a pair of epic 65-0 and 73-7 games that still burn in our memory as the biggest asswhippings we've seen. Toddlers getting pistol-whipped by crack dealers had a fairer fight on their hands than those teams.

The Hal Mumme years: Combover Genius, '97--'01.

Perhaps the most fun we've ever had during this series as a Florida fan came during the Hal Mumme years, when Steve Spurrier not only faced a coach he hated in Mumme, but one who went leagues out of his way to piss in Spurrier's oatmeal at every chance. We're guessing Spurrier hated Mumme to begin with, since he came into Kentucky a self-proclaimed offensive genius, and lord knows a diva hates to share the spotlight.

And Kentucky would ring up points with Mumme's "Air Raid" offense against Florida, sometimes even getting flush with greed and attempting numerous onside kicks against Florida in 1997 to ensure a good, vitamin-rich hatred sprang up between the two coaches. Spurrier's explanation for the multiple onsides?

''If I had a defense like Hal Mumme has, I'd be trying them on every kickoff.''

The world also owes Mumme for introducing Kentucky to three things:

1. Tim Couch, NFL Draft Pick Queen. Cleveland, you're welcome!

2. Jared Lorenzen. You know the world is a better place thanks to Mumme's willingness to play a 400 pound quarterback who ate his playbook accidentally several times a week.

3. Offensive assistant Mike Leach coached the best offenses Kentucky ever had before adding the innovation of "downfield passing" to the mix and leaving UK for Oklahoma and eventually his home port of Lubbock. So pirates of the world, ye owe Mumme for bringing up such a legendary buccaneer when he was but a mere pip of a lad.

4. A slew of NCAA violations leading to his departure on--surprise!--signing day in 2001.

Mumme is now fighting terrorists one by one and coaching the New Mexico State Aggies. He still denies the existence of the forward pass and his bald spot.

Guy Morriss, Hans Moleman of Coaching, '01-02. You know what we remember about Guy Morriss? Him getting punched in the balls. Congratulations, you're a head coach now? SANCTIONED! Punch in the balls. Hey, you think you're going to beat Florida with the game tied 34-34 in the 4th? KEIWAN RATLIFF'D! Punch in the balls. Morriss' teams played with a rigor and toughness unseen in Mumme's teams and played for exactly 59 hard minutes. That other one minute? Punched them in the balls every time. Ratliff applied fist to balls in the waning minutes of a tight game with a 96 yard TD interception and an intercepted two point conversion to doom the Wildcats in '02.

Kentucky still went 7-5 once under Morriss, halcyon times by any definition for a Kentucky team pre-2007. And for their hard work, they received what might the gridiron equivalent of an asteroid, traveling for millions of years through the vacuum of space unimpeded and content, suddenly crashing into your unsuspecting testes: the post-gatorade celebration Hail Mary against LSU.

BLUEGRASS MIRACL'D! Again, Guy Morriss collapses in pain on the sideline. We can't blame him for leaving for Baylor in 2003. At least Bears losses aren't even close. There's a comfort in certain defeat, you know.

Rich Brooks, pre-awesomeness, '03--'05. And this brings us to the suddenly good Kentucky of the present, which only had to go through three straight years of suck-all to get here. In his first year at Kentucky, Rich Brooks nearly had a prestigious scalp on his wall when Kentucky held a 21-3 lead in the fourth quarter in Lexington over [NAME REDACTED]'s suddenly inept Florida team.

They blew this lead in a hailstorm of human error and spastic execution by Florida, yet no error stood taller than that of Jared Lorenzen. Used to doing everything himself (and perhaps distracted by a food vendor jiggling a tray of hot dogs alluringly in the stands,) Lorenzen, asked to pass with a 21-16 lead in the wee remnants of the fourth, wore Channing Crowder for a full four seconds or so before thinking "MMM HOT DOG SHIT MUST THROW!" and tossing a wild, almost sidearm pass to Johnny Lamar for a completion.

Johnny Lamar played for Florida. Florida scored, and Rich Brooks thought the whole thing was bullshit. He still thinks its bullshit that he, like the bullshit coaches before him, haven't won a game against Florida. He has every chance to correct that on Saturday, something we totally think is most definitely not bullshit. Really.

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Comments

Even my friends and I at Georgia used to laugh during the UF-UK games about how cranky Spurrier always looked that he even had to share the same field with Mumme. He had this sneer that said, “Offensive genius, my ass . . . I leave pieces bigger than you in my wind, Captain Neck-Towel.”

Also, I love the fact that the excellence-pissing Jefferson Pilot producers threw up the “LSU 27 – Kentucky 30 – Final” score on the screen even as Devery Henderson was doing the Hustle into the end zone.

by Doug on Oct 19, 2007 11:49 AM EDT reply actions

That premature field rushulation is still just about the funniest shit I’ve ever seen.

by Mr. Wrong on Oct 19, 2007 11:52 AM EDT reply actions

I love the scoreboard flashing the wrong score. It’s like the Shea Stadium scoreboard saying “Boston Red Sox: 1986 World Series Champions” before the Buckner play.

by mlmintampa on Oct 19, 2007 11:53 AM EDT reply actions

my only coherent memory of kentucky football is that little short white dweeb who ran all over us at the swamp during our first year with father redacto. acthley? whatever. i hated that kid.

by m on Oct 19, 2007 11:54 AM EDT reply actions

Derek Abney.

by Orson Swindle on Oct 19, 2007 11:55 AM EDT reply actions

Not to be Debbie Downer, boy SNL has sucked since Ferrell left, but Bill Curry claims that Spurrier took the OC job at Duke before Curry began interviewing assistants from the old Tech staff.

When Curry contacted Spurrier about talks, Spurrier already had the Ryder truck in his driveway, not bothering to wait on Tech, if you believe Curry.

Also, I grew up on the mean streets of Chicago, and the only thing that kept me going was the Empire Carpet commercials that showed up on WGN during every commercial break.

Actually, I have never visited Chicago, but I love the Empire Carpet commercial renaissance, as they are on every network now. Also, that man is dead, so his voice is obviously coming from the crypt.

Glad to see his kids, whomever acquired Empire, etc has expanded out of the Chicago area and gone national. Commerce is good.

by Coop on Oct 19, 2007 11:55 AM EDT reply actions

yes.

by m on Oct 19, 2007 11:56 AM EDT reply actions

800-588-2300 Empire!

by GamecockTony on Oct 19, 2007 11:57 AM EDT reply actions

saturday the streak ends. lorenzen is gonna eat it.

by drew on Oct 19, 2007 11:57 AM EDT reply actions

Am I the only one who hopes that Eli Manning gets destroyed every play just so I can See the Lorenzen guy play?

You just cant buy that kind of entertainment.

by Hubris on Oct 19, 2007 11:59 AM EDT reply actions

Can anyone provide empirical evidence on exactly who we South Carolina fans should be rooting for in this one? We’ve gone around and around on this one, but no one can decide. To provide maximum comfort and cushion (in case of loss), which is better?

If Kentucky wins, Florida is toast and it doesn’t matter if we beat the Gators. But then we might need someone else to beat Kentucky.

If Florida wins, Kentucky is toast, since we already have the tie-breaker over them anyway. But then it becomes crucial for us to beat Florida and/or Tennessee.

Or something like that/ As long as someone loses, I guess it doesn’t matter either way.

by Dr. StrangeCock on Oct 19, 2007 12:12 PM EDT reply actions

In the theme of Mad Max:

Woodson: lf it’s all the same to you, I’ll drive the team upfield.
Brooks: The offer is closed. Too late for deals.
Woodson: No deals. l want to win the game.
Brooks: Why? Why the big change of heart? (And competence, I might add.)
Woodson: Believe me, l haven’t got a choice. The Thighs-man is up for grabs.
Brooks: And how do you think you’ll do it? l mean, look at you. You couldn’t even drive a wheelchair!
Brooks: You really should look at yourself, Andre. You’re a mess. Now go sit down.
Woodson: Come on, cut the bullshit. I’m the best chance you’ve got.
Brooks: You’re right, I don’t have time for this bullshit. Let’s get moving!

by Tim on Oct 19, 2007 12:13 PM EDT reply actions

This game (even this season) in a word: conundrum.

I don’t think either team winning would be considered an “upset.” But, even after the Wildcat’s win over LSU, people look at Kentucky like Kim Bassinger’s hooker character in LA Confidential; sure she is smoking hot but she might be a petri dish of exotic VD scary enough to make a Thai doctor blush.

If things play out like they have in this season, do you take the powerhouse most people would expect to win or the upstart that current rankings say should win? I dunno but this weekend is sure to add to 2007’s all-you-can-eat buffet of insanity.

by MeytonPanning on Oct 19, 2007 12:13 PM EDT reply actions

What do Bill Curry, Mike Shula, and Urban Meyer have in common?

They all have never beaten Auburn.

by James on Oct 19, 2007 12:14 PM EDT reply actions

Best line from that pick JL threw in the ’03 UK/UF game:

“If there’s any quarterback in the SEC that should know how to eat the football, it’s Jared Lorenzen.”

by flahute on Oct 19, 2007 12:16 PM EDT reply actions

Oops, #12 would make more sense if stupid blog comment boxes didn’t remove my bracketed exposition.

Seriously, Internet discussions are bad enough; blog comment formats only make the problem worse. Get some forum software!

by Tim on Oct 19, 2007 12:17 PM EDT reply actions

You are probably one of the only people here watching Eli Manning play. Fuck that snorefest.

by SmoothJimmyApollo on Oct 19, 2007 12:23 PM EDT reply actions

Thanks a lot Tony.

Fuck Empire and that sucky(but extremely catchy) jingle.

I’ve heard that Meyer secured some nomex jerseys for the secondary. At least those deep passes won’t scorch quite as much.

by BDoc on Oct 19, 2007 12:23 PM EDT reply actions

#8…

Tony, us Chicago-ans remember when the number was just (312) 588-2300.

Toll-free be damned.

by Beatnik on Oct 19, 2007 12:26 PM EDT reply actions

Gators gonna whip Blue Cat ass up and down the field all afternoon and early evening. Blowout.

by Allahver Fist on Oct 19, 2007 12:30 PM EDT reply actions

I’ve always wondered if the guy voicing the Empire commercials, in fact, looks like the claymation version of himself.

I want to know, so I can be accurate with my shot…

Damn you, Orson.

by Gentleman Masher on Oct 19, 2007 12:31 PM EDT reply actions

#10: No you’re not the only one.

Kentucky “should” win this game. The Gators are still mere pups this year. Maybe the bye-week will help, sure hope so.

I’m sure Rich Brooks will think this whole thread is bullshit anyway.

by Stockman on Oct 19, 2007 12:31 PM EDT reply actions

Bill Curry is a documented psychopath with an ego the size of Phil Fulmer’s ass. If it came out of his mouth, it’s probably a lie.

Curry fired Spurrier, according to Spurrier. I’d believe Spurrier.

by JohnInHsv on Oct 19, 2007 12:33 PM EDT reply actions

@Bdoc – sorry about that.

@Beatnik – as a South Sider, I remember those commercials, seemingly, every 10 minutes when I was trying to watch cartoons.

by GamecockTony on Oct 19, 2007 12:35 PM EDT reply actions

hoe-lee shit. i’m at home for lunch and just saw dave chappelle on fucking home improvement. i need some time to soak this in.

by gerry dorsey on Oct 19, 2007 12:41 PM EDT reply actions

I was at the 87 game in the stands with 2 pairs of pants on under my band uniform the last time the Gators lost to UK 10-3. Sleet was unbearable, our guys were freezing but we made sure that we ran the sprint draw on 3rd and long everytime. I do remember Tony Lomack catching a short pass and turning it into a long gain. Our only big play of the day. Probabtion suxes. I also attended the last loss to Vandy in ’89, excelsior! That was when Emmitt was hurt and our offensive line was unable to stop an A-gap blitz. Herbert Perry gave up football for baseball because of it.

by Kerwin4two on Oct 19, 2007 12:41 PM EDT reply actions

While we are at it, can someone explain to me why essentially EVERY cable carrier in the country carried WGN?

WGN was the most unique, I recognize most unique is redundant, TV station, ever, when you think about it.

It was not like the big 3 national networks because it didn’t have original programming or “national news prgorams.”

It was not like TBS in Atlanta, either, because it showed nothing but local commercials and had its own news show, focused on Chicago. TBS also ran Blood Sport daily, but TBS was a national network even though they showed the Braves.

So, why did the cable carriers broadcast that network all around the country?

Why would anyone in SC care about a murder or train wreck in Cook County?

I never understood why we picked up WGN. Great station, if you live in Chicago, but still..

by Coop on Oct 19, 2007 12:48 PM EDT reply actions

And the installation is free-eeeeeeeeeee.

by RedDevilEA on Oct 19, 2007 12:50 PM EDT reply actions

With WGN I could watch Bozo The Clown. Mmmm, ping-pong-ball-toss…

by Allahver Fist on Oct 19, 2007 12:53 PM EDT reply actions

i had no idea that it was 20 in a row…i think it goes to 21 via a sweet letdown after all that couch burning

by gerry dorsey on Oct 19, 2007 1:01 PM EDT reply actions

I think WGN was picked because of high demand for The Bozo Show, and more specifically the Grand. Prize! GAME!!

by Biggus Rickus on Oct 19, 2007 1:04 PM EDT reply actions

I always wanted one of those cakes you would win if you got past the second or third bucket in the Grand Prize Game. Those things looked good.

by Coop on Oct 19, 2007 1:04 PM EDT reply actions

My sister got to play The Grand Prize Game.
Sadly, she couldn’t get past Bucket 3.

by GamecockTony on Oct 19, 2007 1:11 PM EDT reply actions

My favorites were the kids who managed to miss the first bucket, but of course, they got mulligans.

by Biggus Rickus on Oct 19, 2007 1:12 PM EDT reply actions

Watched plenty of WGN as a kid, but I can tell you nothing about their programming outside of Bozo and the Cubs.

by Herb on Oct 19, 2007 1:17 PM EDT reply actions

Don’t remind us of that dark day in GT history, Orson. It’s not fair to think of what might have been.

Now, we wouldn’t have had Bobby Ross, but we would have been spared B*** L****.

by Techie on Oct 19, 2007 1:21 PM EDT reply actions

Techie – that is definitely a name that deserves redaction.

Does anyone remember when WWOR out Seacaucus was a national network? Used to be able to watch alot of Mets games…not that that was a good thing.

by Gentleman Masher on Oct 19, 2007 1:24 PM EDT reply actions

Genius Dept:

How can Freakn’ Kentucky have a football team that matters and….

Notre Dame a football team that stinks?

How can Charlie the offensive Offensive Genius have Notre Dame in the toilet….

with the USC-ND game being not a big a deal anymore, only to us diehards?

ND is so pathetic, I am not even spending my time writing funny, ascerbic posts about ND anymore.

by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Oct 19, 2007 1:26 PM EDT reply actions

Bozo was a pederast. You can see it in his wee beady eyes.

by Irwin Fletcher on Oct 19, 2007 1:26 PM EDT reply actions

Urban Meyer promised the freshman players that, if they beat Kentucky, they will all receive their very own Chutes & Ladders. Seniors get ice cream cake.

by Allahver Fist on Oct 19, 2007 1:32 PM EDT reply actions

I’m glad someone else views the hyper-caffeinated, cute-nickname-peddling Mick Hubert with a jaundiced eye. These days, I find his football and, even worse, basketball broadcasts unlistenable.

The ONLY fond memory of Hubert, however, is listening to that ‘93 UF-UK game on the radio (damn you, probation). I was in high school and didn’t realize how annoying he was.

by Give Em Hell Pell on Oct 19, 2007 1:38 PM EDT reply actions

I saw the Bozo discussion coming once someone mentioned WGN. If no one had mentioned it, I would have done it myself.

Also, in 2000, OBC cost me $150 with his hatred of Kentucky. It was one of the games in an office pool I was participating in and I took Kentucky at UF with the (25) points. SOS elects to tack on a late, and I’m talking like within the last 2 minutes or so, deep TD pass to win the game 59-31, which was a margin that could not be overcome by the 25 points I was given. I came in second in the pool because of that one freakin’ game.

by PW on Oct 19, 2007 1:41 PM EDT reply actions

Irwin M. Fletcher,
His sidekick, “Cookie” was downright terrifying in person.

by GamecockTony on Oct 19, 2007 1:42 PM EDT reply actions

Kentucky being good at football is almost as ridiculous as , say, Florida being good at basketball.

by AtlantaGator on Oct 19, 2007 1:44 PM EDT reply actions

Thanks for bringing up Vandy ’89, Kerwin. I thought I had purged that memory (I was there too) forever.

by Mr. Wrong on Oct 19, 2007 1:46 PM EDT reply actions

How many announcers in any sport claim “Oh My!” as their catch phrase? Enough already.

I only watched WGN for the occasional Cub game to listen to Harry Carey. He sounded more drunk than usual towards the end, but still entertaining. Vin Scully is still the gold standard. What do we have today? John Sterling, who is the most unlistenable announcer in NY announcing another “Aaaaa-Bomb for Aaaaaa-Rod”. I want to puke. /baseball

by Brian O'Blivion on Oct 19, 2007 2:00 PM EDT reply actions

That oh my shit is indeed tired and shitastic. The only thing that sucked worse than that was coming home from school to settle in to watch GI Joe and Transformers back to back on WGN. Oh fuck, the Cubs are on. Well, I’ll just turn over to TBS. Oh double fuck, it’s the Braves at the Cubs or whatever. Guess I have to go play outside or some shit.

Grand Prize Game was the shit.

by LSUJoshua on Oct 19, 2007 3:37 PM EDT reply actions

ping-pong-ball-toss? Don’t disrespect the Grand …. Prize ……..Game! Motherfucker!

I was a kid in South Carolina. They kept giving away those Archway Cookies for the second bucket toss. You couldn’t get Archway Cookies in South Carolina. That’s just BS to taunt a kid that way. I’m still pissed.

And did it seem to you like Bozo really hated all those kids? Maybe I was projecting because all those little fuckers got to eat Archway cookies.

by LiTGator on Oct 19, 2007 3:47 PM EDT reply actions

I remember the first time I saw an actual package of Archway cookies at a grocery store. That shit blew my mind.

by PW on Oct 19, 2007 4:19 PM EDT reply actions

Well, asshats, I always had Archway molasses cookies in my area. That’s my Grand.Fucking.Prize right there.

by Allahver Fist on Oct 19, 2007 4:34 PM EDT reply actions

Lynn Hauldren, the Empire guy is alive and I officially nominate him for Mustache Wednesday.

by John on Oct 19, 2007 4:45 PM EDT reply actions

Allahver,

How could you rub yet more molasses in the gaping Archway Cookie wound that is my childhood?

May your ball bounce ever so slightly off the rim of the 6th bucket – The Grand Prize Bucket.

Then you’ll have to go buy your own fucking Schwinn.

Peace :)

by LiTGator on Oct 19, 2007 4:53 PM EDT reply actions

WGN turned my little brother into a Cubs fan…my parents would have to drag his ass away from the TV so he could go to his afternoon kindergarten. He would scream “NOOOOO!!! I HAFTA WATCH DA ‘LEAD-OFF MAN’!!!” I, as a Braves fan, did not have time for that shit.

by Raider Red on Oct 19, 2007 5:08 PM EDT reply actions

I for one am thankfull for the firing of SOS. The angst from that experience was another grain of sand in his oyster that, over time, became the pearl of coaching genus that is Steve Spurrier.

by Urban Spurrier on Oct 19, 2007 11:28 PM EDT reply actions