MUSTACHE WEDNESDAY: CHARLES BRONSON

by Orson on Oct 17, 2007 5:27 PM EDT

Our mustache of the day takes you hair by hair into the world of Mandom whether you want to or not: Bronson. A wispy Asiatic hair signature whose Tartar black hairs just dare you to fight, lose, and then be shot like the punk you know you are.

Charles Bronson met his second wife when she was married to a co-star of his. He told the man, "I'm gonna marry your wife," and two years later he was giving her the Dirty Dozen nightly in a legal fashion. He also went to work in the coal mines of Pennsylvania when he was 11 and was so poor he had to wear his sister's dress to school when he was six. We're doing this to little Urban Steven Swindle as soon as we can--such humiliation turns you into pure, undiluted badass as Bronson.

Charles Bronson is also on record as saying he was "too masculine" for the American viewing public. Fortunately for men like him and Bea Arthur, he was wrong, wrong, wrong. We just didn't know what man was until you walked in, grimaced at us while wearing a turtleneck, and then shot us dead. Did we deserve to be gunned down? Yes, we did. Because we were punks. And Charles Bronson and his magnificent nose pedestal shot punks like they should be shot until death came to claim the punk-sweeper himself.

Not that he died--no, Charles Bronson took one steely look at the Grim Reaper, smiled, and then shot Death before sidestepping Human Resources and taking the job himself.

Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers!

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Now the Golden Girls are in your head, Swindle! I and others, i’m sure, can rest easy tonight knowing who you will be dreaming of.

by JB on Oct 17, 2007 5:31 PM EDT reply actions

I’m just going to say…until the recent Mandomonium around her, culminating in this post, I was unaware that Chuck had passed 4 years ago!

I will now tear my clothes and cover my head in ashes.

by Gentleman Masher on Oct 17, 2007 5:38 PM EDT reply actions

Apropos of the post, Rich Eisen tells the Bea Arthur joke during the commercial break of the old ESPN radio version of the Tony Kornheiser show. (I think this was the last day they left the mics on on the internet feed during the commercials.)

by DevilGrad on Oct 17, 2007 5:41 PM EDT reply actions

Well done, Orson. Well done.

by samoan attorney on Oct 17, 2007 5:48 PM EDT reply actions

charlie looks like joe dirt in that i don’t even think he has to trim and shape that tickler…it just naturally grows in that ass kicking style.

by gerry dorsey on Oct 17, 2007 5:48 PM EDT reply actions

Whats up with the Bronson Mancrush lately?

by Roaminggtor on Oct 17, 2007 5:53 PM EDT reply actions

It’s that Mandom ad, man. Just watch it.

by Orson Swindle on Oct 17, 2007 6:00 PM EDT reply actions

It’s that Mandom ad, man. Just watch it.

And the sound of horses when he puts it on!! WOW!

by Mr. Flibble on Oct 17, 2007 6:20 PM EDT reply actions

“sidestepping Human Resources and taking the job himself”

1000 Cocktails

by Kernel on Oct 17, 2007 6:36 PM EDT reply actions

My advice: nix the dress idea for the young ’un. See “Rilke, Rainer Maria”

by Maxwell Smart on Oct 17, 2007 7:33 PM EDT reply actions

?!:

“Charles Bronson is also on record as saying he was "too masculine" for the American viewing public.”

I thought Rosie O’Donnell was too masculine for the American viewing public!

by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Oct 17, 2007 8:00 PM EDT reply actions

Chuck Norris farts in your general direction. Please watch for falling debris.

by fresh on Oct 17, 2007 8:08 PM EDT reply actions

“All the world loves a lover. All the world loves Mandom.” Its been in my head for days on end. That stare can make women pregnant.

by BurritoBrosShits on Oct 17, 2007 8:45 PM EDT reply actions

Barney: “Sheriff where’s Otis?”
Bronson: “I shot him.”
Barney: “YOU SHOT HIM?!?”
Bronson: “Now I’m going to Emmitt’s Fix-It Shop (pulls out gun and twirls it) to fix Emmitt.”

by MiseanAUFan on Oct 18, 2007 6:44 AM EDT reply actions