Our mustache of the day takes you hair by hair into the world of Mandom whether you want to or not: Bronson. A wispy Asiatic hair signature whose Tartar black hairs just dare you to fight, lose, and then be shot like the punk you know you are.

Charles Bronson met his second wife when she was married to a co-star of his. He told the man, “I’m gonna marry your wife,” and two years later he was giving her the Dirty Dozen nightly in a legal fashion. He also went to work in the coal mines of Pennsylvania when he was 11 and was so poor he had to wear his sister’s dress to school when he was six. We’re doing this to little Urban Steven Swindle as soon as we can–such humiliation turns you into pure, undiluted badass as Bronson.

Charles Bronson is also on record as saying he was “too masculine” for the American viewing public. Fortunately for men like him and Bea Arthur, he was wrong, wrong, wrong. We just didn’t know what man was until you walked in, grimaced at us while wearing a turtleneck, and then shot us dead. Did we deserve to be gunned down? Yes, we did. Because we were punks. And Charles Bronson and his magnificent nose pedestal shot punks like they should be shot until death came to claim the punk-sweeper himself.

Not that he died–no, Charles Bronson took one steely look at the Grim Reaper, smiled, and then shot Death before sidestepping Human Resources and taking the job himself.

Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers!

Bruce Feldman solicited guest commentary on the upheaval in college football, and among the responders was one Luther Campbell, legendary advocate for men and their need for “some pussy.” Campbell had some choice words for the BCS, but it will totally not may shock you to learn of their logical inconsistency.

“This is one more reason why we need a playoff. You have big teams playing big teams for BCS standings points, and then you get teams like USF and Cincinnati who only have to win two big games and now they’re battling for No. 1. All they have to do is win out in their BS conference and then look at what you’ve got in your title game. That’s some BCS BS.”

The conference to which Luther Campbell is referring is the Big East. Miami, Campbell’s team of choice, was a member of the Big East from 1991-2003. During that span, Miami looked suspiciously similar to the USF and Cincy teams he’s describing, usually having to grade out against Florida State (rivalry game, OOC) and perhaps Virginia Tech in conference before romping through the remainder of the Big East on the way to national title contention–which they did twice in that stint in-conference.

Do not question the man’s punditry, though, since he did at one time offer cash bounties to ‘Canes defenders. Haven’t seen Joe Schad do that, have you? Instead, we would just remind you that the man now coaches youth football, has more money than…well, who knows. He’s probably got more cash on his person than we do right now, that’s for sure. ($23.15, for your info.) And he would like to to go, go, go, and go. (It’s a 2 Live Crew song. Don’t click on it unless you want to hear bad words said repeatedly to a screaming beat.)

Perhaps that’s what’s missing from Miami Hurricanes’ football: those glowing magical balls Luther Campbell can summon from swimming pools.

Malkovich? Malkovich. Courtesy of the amazing Mr2Cents, we present Florida’s mindbending gameplan for the Kentucky game.

With that lineup, we should be favored by DAMN! points. Um, apologies–with that lineup, we should be favored by GOSH GOLLY JEEZ! points.

We’ve sailed into a Saragasso Sea where South Florida and Kentucky are in the top ten while Michigan, Nebraska, and Notre Dame aren’t. Therefore: while the first lull of the season passes, we thought we’d get introspective and hit you with a few facts you may not know about each conference, and how their seasons are going.

Media:

Pouring one out for Ron.

–The best-kept secret in college sports broadcasting? Ron Franklin was killed in a bar brawl in Lagos, Nigeria on August 23rd. SHHHHH!!! Don’t tell anyone.

–Jim Donnan still on ESPN payroll, but just chills in the breakroom shooting the shit all day in between playing the Wii “Tournament Fishing” game and checking on EBay for quality used hunting stands.

–Chris Fowler: working out more now. See Kirk? It’s like my shirt doesn’t even fit anymore! Just switched to the French Press for the triceps. Feel that, Kirk? I didn’t have that before last year. That’s what the French Press does for them, it separates the…Kirk, don’t answer your phone while you’re talking to me. Even if it is Jim Tressel. Jim Tressel never calls me. Kirk…just look at me when I’m talking to you, Kirk.

Yeah. The French press…(trudges off past red doghouse with beagle sleeping belly up on top.)

–Tom Hammond no longer employed by NBC, who in an effort to cut costs has been replaced by a sound board with 2006 Notre Dame audio clips operated by student intern. Analysis still provided by Pat Haden, who accepts pay in cowrie shells and candy and has for five years.

–Holly Rowe? Not going on a diet, and not planning to, either. She attributes her body confidence to her own high self-esteem and the love and support of her longtime boyfriend Keith Sweat, who “likes ‘em thick and white like cooked pork chops and just as salty, baby.”

–Dennis Haysbert leading candidate in 2008 presidential race as write-in following advertising blitz for Allstate during college football games. “I just imagine getting in that booth and asking myself, ‘Am I in good hands?’,” says Alice Perdeaux of Tulsa, Oklahoma. “And despite being black, he just makes me feel safer than anyone else in the race.” Ms. Perdeaux, when informed that Haysbert was not running and had not shown interest in the race, said “Have you heard his voice? I just know it kills terrorists.”

Big Ten:

–After Minnesota’s loss to Florida Atlantic, but won the hearts of South Floridians when first-year head coach Tim Brewster fed his starting defensive line to a killer whale at Orlando’s Sea World on the way back to Minneapolis in front of a screaming crowd of thousands. “I don’t think my son will ever forget that,” said Francine Thomas of Live Oak, Florida. “In fact, considering the amount of blood spilled into the crowd, I don’t think he can!”

–Northwestern coach Pat Fitzgerald carded at his local liquor store for the seventh time in a row despite purchasing two bottles of wine weekly. Quote: “I live down the street!!!”

–Wisconsin’s stadium police just added a number to the OSHA-mandated work signage announcing that is has been “20 DAYS SINCE A FUCKING IN THE BATHROOM INCIDENT AT THIS WORKSITE.”

Mmm…yeah…like that…

–Kirk Ferentz has been, in his own words, “randier than a goat with four balls” during this tumultuous year at Iowa. “It’s been a hard year both in the Big Ten, and in my pants,” said Ferentz in a candid interview. “I feel for the missus, because it’s been two, three times a day for her, and I’ve been just plain unreasonable about it, frankly. I’ve been in the saddle so many times a day I feel like I need my own riding silks.”

Ferentz paused, and shook his head. “I’m really putting the F in Ferentz, and I just can’t stop.”

Ferentz blames stress for the manic sexual activity, and plans to seek help for the problem.

Big East

–Coach Rich Rodriguez working with MIT mathematicians to devise six running-back backfield for West Virginia under current alignment and personnel rules of college football. “We remain convinced of the possibility of this theorem,” said MIT mathematician Gilbert Strang, “especially with the emergence of Noel Devine at tailback, who is already busy at work creating new, quantum-fast offspring to take his place in the WVU roster.”

–A side note: Also of interest to Strang is figuring out how Travis Henry fathered a child before he was actually conceived. “We know it happened–twice–but remain unclear on the means.” Strang mentioned the possibility that Henry’s penis may be able to appear in multiple realities at once. “This would explain some things, and finally solve the legendary conundrum behind the “I’m My Own Grandpa” theorem.”

–Pitt coach Dave Wannstedt tore his own Achilles tendon attempting to remove his head from his rectum. “That’s the last time I try do that,” said Wannstedt, who quickly recovered and left his head where it has been for twenty years.*

–Syracuse coach Greg Robinson, after a disastrous offensive series, looked up at the sky and looked stoic. (Apply to any moment in Syracuse football save their victory over Louisville.)

*Translated from the original, which appears in full here: “Mrph MRPH MMM RRPFPH MmR PHR MMRR RRRPPPH MMMMR UGGHGHHHNNG URRRF.”

You lose points for lutefisk.

Polling is becoming like composing the UN’s HDI rankings: at the top, you’ve got indisputably happy football people quibbling over the tiniest and most subjective of details.

Norway: We have universal health care and the highest standards of living in the world.

Denmark: Oh yeah? Well, that is a valid point.

Then there’s the middlins, who have one glaring weakness they can’t possibly help, like South Korea’s situation with having a crazy, psychotic, and very well-armed brother just over the fence, or Florida’s dazzlingly talented yet immature youth movement. These are followed by the bottom dwellers of the rest of the top. Think of Hawaii as South Africa: Exotic! Exciting! Awesome relative to its neighbors, but still not punching G8 weight! But have you seen our lions and dazzling gold jewelry!

This week’s abomination is below. One clarification: our ballot below is the corrected ballot, which was not the hasty-as-usual ballot crapped into Brian’s inbox this a.m. that had–among other errors, a rise in Cincy after a loss, a few curious bunches of teams in the same conference, and a vote for ice cream at eight. Because we really, really wanted some ice cream this morning. Again, we remind you:

1. The arrows mean nothing.
2. We fucked up.
3. We’re clearly an ass. Asses. Damn plural first person…

Off with our heads, and on with the ballot…

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Ohio State	—
2	Oklahoma	—
3	South Florida	—
4	LSU	—
5	South Carolina	—
6	Boston College	—
7	Kentucky	—
8	Arizona State	1
9	Kansas	1
10	Missouri	2
11	California	2
12	Oregon	2
13	Texas	2
14	Southern Cal	1
15	Florida	1
16	Penn State	1
17	Auburn	1
18	Cincinnati	10
19	Texas Tech	—
20	West Virginia	—
21	Tennessee	—
22	Illinois	—
23	Virginia Tech	—
24	Hawaii	—
25	Wisconsin	—

Clarifications, errata, and outright shames.

WHA OK? Yes, Oklahoma. If you wonder what the methodology is, it’s a hybrid of resume balloting and truthiness subject to coffee, mood, and whatever we saw in the intestines of our daily pigeon kill this morning. (Augury–it’s what’s for breakfast.)

Which means that at this point, it’s absolute value voting, and that’s the absolute value we see. Boston College helped this by not trouncing Notre Dame, or even scoring as many points as Purdue did against the Irish. And South Florida could prove us very wrong by running Rutgers over with their Charismatic Fiero of Tampa Bay Area triumph. But for the top ten, that’s our value, with two notable creepers…

The last midgets up the hill. Arizona State may have peaked on the year with this ballot, since they’re both going into the grinding end of their conference schedule. Kansas, though, could pop up a few more spots over the rest of their angel-soft schedule. Their real bid for top 5 comes with a defeat of resilient Missouri and an appearance in the Big 12 Championship game. For an instant, the picture of Kansas in the national title game just flashed across our consciousness. We saw the Eternal Footman hold our coat, and snicker, and in short, we were afraid.

Climbers: Pretty much anyone between the 11-20 spots, really. We think brand name bargains are a-plenty down here, since many are retooling in angry fashion. Texas has begun this process, and we think Florida will do the same. This is the point in the movie where the soft version of the heroic theme song is playing, and they’re working out in montage at the gym like a madman. Or puking their puppet guts up in an alley in a drunken wallow of self-pity (see: USC.)

Texas Tech is always the dark horse in the Big 12, but keep an eye on them for real now that their defense isn’t playing under some exotic curse.

The rest? A glorious mess, of course.