BUYS AND SELLS, WEEK SEVEN: TRENDY EDITION
by Orson on Oct 16, 2007 2:29 PM EDT
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PrintOrson and Hannibal go over the week's ledger, trendy style.
HANNIBAL'S BUYS
Celebrate! You never go out of style.Louisville: Knit jacquards with stripe and basketwork motifs
By the laws of cool, the Cardinals should've been all washed up by now. All those naive dreams of peace and love, a touchdown on every drive, it all sounds great in theory, until everyone realize for all the pretension you have no plan for defense. My, though, but how the mood has changed: with just one conference loss, off a convincing, turnover-free win at undefeated Cincinnati with West Virginia, South Florida, Rutgers and UConn still in front of them, the
Cards could still mature into Big East champions. Going with UL may sound like a bold statement, but all-American quarterbacks never go out of style.
Michigan:
Culture of paradox, play of contrasts, new aesthetic rules rooted in the old. Unostentatiously sumptuous, with accessories meant to disrupt the mundane with bright and unexpected accents. Forget those "wardrobe malfunctions" that made the headlines: in its natural setting, with the right accessories, this understated look can’t miss. More evidence that layered looks are
about more than just covering up.
ORSON'S BUYS
Hiro could run the Statue of Liberty, no problem.Boise State. Television division, "Heroes"
Like Heroes, seemed poised for one year of esoteric brilliance before fading back into the basement of geek adoration (superheroes! trick plays! blue turf!). Yet both have come roaring back into form in midseason, admittedly both in unreal fashion (superpowers for Heroes, winning without defense against Nevada in four overtimes.) Hawaii is fading like The Office, as they're both passing into banal self-parody, leaving Boise to assume the humble mantle of saving the world all by its lonesome in the WAC. Boise is a stylish buy going into the WAC stretch with Ian Johnson and his equally esoteric but stylish knit hats as a logical accessory.
Florida Extremely personal personal scents. Oh,Tom Ford may be lambasted for his perfume with just that special whiff of crotchstink, but just you wait--it's the future and you'll be bathing in the stuff like Charles Bronson dousing himself in Mandom in no time.
Urban Meyer's group of young hand-picked mutants may reek of essential teen hormones, but they, too, are the future, and will show it when they cruise off the delicious fumes of defeat anger/bye week rest/essence of preparation against Kentucky. Odiferous, stenchy youth--it's the must-have scent for the Gator fan in 2007. Crave it, you will.
Texas Tech The road-safe rally car.
A VW GTI MkV of a team with nimble skills, ample horsepower, and now an extra tuff crash rating thanks to new defensive coordinator.
HANNIBAL'S SELLS
Wisconsin: Men’s flares
You thought the ‘retro’ thing was cool, huh? Not that we have anything against a physical running game, but you have to remember: playing no defense whatsoever was never cool to begin with.
Miami and Florida State: Flannel shirt (probably tied around the waist; leather jacket
optional over plain white tee).
We're all moving to Seattle! Flannel!The fastest route to a sure fashion "don’t" is to keep trying to look like what you used to look like. Dressing for the team you are today may mean cleaning out your closet and re-building your offense from scratch – don’t go on pretending you have the hairline (or the waistline) you did those half dozen times your college band scored actual groupies when the whole world can see you’ve put on a few and would be better off just slowing down already. Get back to basics: you got by on your looks and charm in the early nineties, but the real secret to your success? Even then, it was the offensive line.
Illinois: Atkins Diet
OMG, you didn’t really fall for that low carb, Juice Williams hype, did you? Like, Arrelious Benn may be all that, but until he gets a quarterback who can do something other than take an option look down the line, keep the Illini in the closet.
ORSON'S SELLS
Purdue. Old-man hipster chic.
Oh, old man chic works every now and then. That guyabara you had looked great for three seasons or so, along with the heavy creased poly slacks and the bowling shoes. Joe "Diabeetus" Tiller would have been proud, since he's been pimping the same game for years: munch up early on cannon fodder, then take a 5-0 or 6-0 record into the heart of their Big Ten schedule and end up around .500 for the year. It's time to modernize that look, hipster, before you cross the line between camp and schlock...which is precisely what Purdue's paleo-spread has seemed to have done.
Kansas: Leggings.
BOOOOOO!!!Oh, Leggings came back for this year, but they're designed to conceal something that should be exposed: talent. Kansas has hidden behind a weak slate of opponents and is sailing into their Big 12 schedule sans matchups with Texas, Oklahoma, or Texas Tech, meaning they'll be wearing a cotton mini with leggings when the championship games and bowl season comes around. As with leggings, trust what you can see, and aside from a matchup with Missouri, we think Kansas is one trend destined to both last longer than it should and disappear with a snap of a stylish finger and thumb.
HANNIBAL'S HOLDS
LSU: Little black dress
When in doubt, don’t be afraid to go with a sure thing. So that grad student stole your thunder at the last cocktail party with her heathery deep-V halter. Stay confident next time that your figure can still pull off that slinky number and that overwhelming talent and a rocking defense is still the combination for winning football, and you’ll come out ahead.
Penn State: Toggs Amphibious Neoprene Stockingfoot Chest Waders
They’re functional, dammit, and if they got the job done in 1982, they’ll get the job done while all the hipsters are wetting their black cotton stretch pants cause they lost two games. Get a job.
Missouri: Versatile Gigi wrap
Seeking a trend-proof style that traveled well, Gary Pinkel struck an inspired pose with Chase Daniel, this fall’s must-have run-pass threat who could create the "illusion of fit" in any offense. Even Daniel was completely hemmed in by Oklahoma’s run defense, he had the Tigers in a position to win late on the road with his prolific arm. Traditionalists may balk, but now that the conservative, broad-shouldered red look is definitely out, the Tigers might prove yet that
perfect "dress down" alternative in the Big 12 North.
ORSON'S HOLDS.
South Florida Music: Maroon 5
We don't turn them off when they pop up on the radio, and their gloriously and unabashedly trashy sound certainly meshes with nouveau-and-not-afraid-to-admit it South Florida. They even combine most of their public attention on their respective front men--fashion-forward types (Levine, white disco suits, Grothe, a white "athletic quarterback.)
But hype around either of these cannot be more overtaxed or overwrought--South Florida will lose a game soon, possibly multiples, and most likely because of the same traits that got them to this point: Grothe's reckless play. He takes chances, wins games--yay, scrambling daredevil banditoback! He takes chances, throws into double coverage for a pick--boo, careless, conceited bastardback!
Either way, both will be overexposed very shortly. You still won't change the channel, of course, but you're certainly not picking up the whole album.
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Comments
SELL: Arkansas (trend: hygiene)
So, you’re dating a girl, and she’s super-hot with a great pair (you know, of running backs), but not necessarily all that smart (Nutt-smart) and a little weak-armed (Dick-armed), but that’s okay cause she’s hot and has hot friends… then you find out she doesn’t shower.
by Adam on Oct 16, 2007 2:43 PM EDT reply actions
- should have ended it this way
“… then you find out she has a Dick.”
by TIGERinATL on Oct 16, 2007 2:47 PM EDT reply actions
The Office is banal now? Damn, I thought I was enjoying this season.
by Phat Phil's Titties on Oct 16, 2007 2:52 PM EDT reply actions
#2, you’re right… damnit.. except, really, she has two Dicks (Casey and Nathan)
by Adam on Oct 16, 2007 2:55 PM EDT reply actions
Buy: South Carolina (trend: Dockers): You really thought they weren’t going to last after those annoying “waist high” ad campaigns and a crushing loss to LSU.
Yet – they’re still in your regular rotation, and your average department store still stocks them.
When you thought you couldn’t pair them with something new…Spurrier goes Tuberville on UNC and runs the ball almost the entire 2nd Half to hold on to an oh, too close, win.
by Gentleman Masher on Oct 16, 2007 2:58 PM EDT reply actions
EDSBS has gone Trendy?
I hope not like this clown—> Bobby Trendy:
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Oct 16, 2007 2:59 PM EDT reply actions
buy: West Virginia (old school nike dunks with bright blue and orange coloring. will look awesome until next year when you bust out your old chuck taylors and wonder what the fuck you were thinking)
by suicidewatch on Oct 16, 2007 3:02 PM EDT reply actions
Can someone please explain to me how Ohio State has proven anything more than KU this season? KU has been more dominant against similaresque competition, yet KU is the fraud. Amazing how bloggers, for all their tweaking of the national writers, often still tend to fall into the same lazy tendencies.
by PeteJayhawk on Oct 16, 2007 3:04 PM EDT reply actions
RE: Orson Holds: South Florida?
Jenn Sterger is Baaaaack with the Bulls of South Florida:
Orson’s arch-nemesis is turning her back on the Free Shoes University’s Noles and is now shacking up with the Bulls.
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Oct 16, 2007 3:04 PM EDT reply actions
USC: Sell: Von Dutch Trucker Hat
Oooh, sorry, its not 2004 any more.
by Brian on Oct 16, 2007 3:06 PM EDT reply actions
#8, it’s possible that you’re taking this all a tad too seriously. No need to start licking your wounds before they actually start festering…
by Phat Phil's Titties on Oct 16, 2007 3:09 PM EDT reply actions
Pete—
Because they’re Ohio State, and a proven quantity. Kansas is a full rebuild cresting into program maturity. Thus the “laziness” of relying on past esteem.
It is a form of laziness…but it’s also all you’ve got.
by Orson Swindle on Oct 16, 2007 3:10 PM EDT reply actions
buy: Auburn, winning with defence and a running game is sooooo t-shirt and blue jeans it hurts. won’t win you any national titles, unfortunately…but it’ll get you to the sugar bowl every now and again.
by suicidewatch on Oct 16, 2007 3:11 PM EDT reply actions
#8
Not all teams are created equal. Some teams are good despite playing crappy opponents. Some teams are good because they play crappy opponents.
by JCarver27 on Oct 16, 2007 3:12 PM EDT reply actions
Buy: Kentucky (movie division, “The 40-Year-Old Virgin”):
A coming of age story about a ne’er-do-well who finally realizes it can compete with the sexiest of its adversaries. Ultimately conquers its big goal against all odds, even to the surprise of those closest to it. Stars Rich Brooks, who has the uncanny knack of being over-the-top profane and teddy-bear sweet all at the same time.
by fresh on Oct 16, 2007 3:14 PM EDT reply actions
having graduated from the Georgia Public School system i obviously never learned how to spell the word defense.
sell:Georgia Bulldogs (sorority girls really shouldn’t wear sweat pants in public)
by suicidewatch on Oct 16, 2007 3:15 PM EDT reply actions
Pete, bloggers don’t trust coaches over 350 lbs.
Plus as everyone knows the Big 10 is Top Tier
by bnb614 on Oct 16, 2007 3:17 PM EDT reply actions
The Ivan Boesky of college football arbitrage will make a killing out west. The leaders are hitting the heart of their schedules. Cal will fold like a $2 pup-tent…again.
BTW, Hannibal has a career ahead as a fashion writer.
by OhioDawg on Oct 16, 2007 3:20 PM EDT reply actions
BUY: Auburn, Penn State (yes, I’m biased), Michigan, Arizona State
SELL: LSU (will lose to Auburn on Saturday), USC (1-2 more losses this season, at least)
HOLD: South Florida, South Carolina, Missouri
by PSUfanNYC on Oct 16, 2007 3:24 PM EDT reply actions
UConn is killing Louisville this weekend. The ‘Ville hasn’t played any defense as good as UConn. UConn’s offense? Doesn’t matter, Louisville will take care of that for us.
Sell Cincinnati. It was all smoke and mirrors due to turnovers.
Sell Arizona State. Any non-Ty Willingham-coached team would have won Saturday night. Jake Locher will be the second greatest QB in history to never play in a bowl game (following Elway) if Ty continues to coach.
Buy Texas Tech. They’re beating Texas and/or Oklahoma.
Buy Tennessee. I hate to write this on this glorious bloggy dealy, but they ain’t losing for the rest of the year. Schedule is cake because Alabama & Arkansas suck, USCe is a home game and UT just don’t lose to Kentucky. So no more losses, until LSU recreates Sherman’s March to Atlanta en route to a national title.
by Edsall is God on Oct 16, 2007 3:30 PM EDT reply actions
Ian Johnson has been wearing the number 33 on his bicep this season. A lot of fans jumped to the conclusion that it is for Jon Helmandollar who is no longer with the program. But IJ actually explained in postgame on Sunday that the 33 is for his wife Chrissy. She apparently always had 33 as her number during sports growing up and considers it her lucky number. “I’m playing for her”
SELL! SELL!
by wardo on Oct 16, 2007 3:38 PM EDT reply actions
- KU and tOSU are both overrated, which is why I want the Sooners to play them both in Dec/Jan
by Bud Barry & Bob on Oct 16, 2007 3:38 PM EDT reply actions
Hold on LSU. They’re simply not as good as people thought they were, and they have numerous injuries. The defensive is good for what ails you, but the offense is, unfortunately, precisely what ails you.
by Beardguy on Oct 16, 2007 3:41 PM EDT reply actions
Pete,
The BCS computers sort of agree with you. The computer average for tOSU has them at #5 and KU at #8.
by PW on Oct 16, 2007 3:42 PM EDT reply actions
Buy: Time in my Vagina
Sell: Your wife, your kids.
Hold: Me Close, Tiny Dancer
by Brandon Cox's Vagina on Oct 16, 2007 3:54 PM EDT reply actions
Brandon Cox’s vagina has a vagina? That reminds me of the Drew Carey joke that his dick is so big that it has it’s own dick and even that dick is bigger than yours.
by PW on Oct 16, 2007 4:03 PM EDT reply actions
PW- doesnt that mean that the computers dont agree with Pete?
by Poop on Oct 16, 2007 4:03 PM EDT reply actions
sell: maroon 5 and south florida. you’ll find them both in used cd bins in the future. why get caught with them now?
by suicidewatch on Oct 16, 2007 4:22 PM EDT reply actions
Jenn Sterger is a USF fan now?
Honor demands my sepuku.
Goodbye, all.
by that 5.0 guy @ work! on Oct 16, 2007 4:35 PM EDT reply actions
28
No, Pete’s beef, as I read it, was with human pollsters, who rank tOSU 14 spots ahead of KU despite a similar record against similar competition. The computers only ranked them 3 spots ahead.
by PW on Oct 16, 2007 4:58 PM EDT reply actions
(Television division – all sales are final)
Sell: Ohio State. Prison Break Last season was a good run, until the end. They got out of prison, now what? The posse chased them down and the fraud was exposed. New season. New prison. Same result.
Sell: South Florida. Seinfeld Ground breaking stuff at one time, but how many times do we have to see the same episodes in syndication when we already know how they end?
Sell: Boston College Lost Had legs to start, ratings were great. Then a bunch of mediocre talent on American Idol moves it to 10 pm and makes it an afterthought.
by Brian O'Blivion on Oct 16, 2007 5:03 PM EDT reply actions
23
I would love for tOSU to play Oklahoma. They might be overrated, but that would not be the game to expose them.
by sherlock hemlock on Oct 16, 2007 5:03 PM EDT reply actions
Buy: traditional powerhouses
Sell: fresh-off-the-boat upstarts
by Poop on Oct 16, 2007 5:07 PM EDT reply actions
sell: Arkansas, Jenn Sterger category
See #9’s link.
Two outstanding talents obscure a complete and utter wasteland everywhere else, and yes, #2, quite possibly a dick.
sell: Nebraska, Tell Me You Love Me
Like graphic sex in a drama, modernizing to the West Coast offense seemed like a good idea until you actually see it in action. Then you long for the good old days of nothing but 60 minutes of hardcore pounding, without any of the annoying other shit to get in the way.
by dogtown gator on Oct 16, 2007 5:19 PM EDT reply actions
Love the fashion references… make it work, Orson!
by Papa Lou BSU on Oct 16, 2007 6:09 PM EDT reply actions
@ #9:
That pretty much sums up living in Tallahassee right now. Suddenly, there are tons of USF fans coming out of the woodwork. “Oh our team blows, let’s find a new one!” Jackoffs.
by robert on Oct 16, 2007 6:10 PM EDT reply actions
Arkansas: A Dick for a QB, and a Nutt for a coach….And all I want is for them to beat Tennessee!! Is that too much to ask for? Houston, we have a McFadden…..(HINT!)
by RoswellGator on Oct 16, 2007 6:16 PM EDT reply actions
“That pretty much sums up living in Tallahassee right now. Suddenly, there are tons of USF fans coming out of the woodwork. "Oh our team blows, let’s find a new one!" Jackoffs.”
As opposed to the spontaneous explosion about 15 years ago of long-suffering, die-hard FSU fans all over the damned country wearing freshly minted Noles hats and Starter jackets …
by Papa Lou BSU on Oct 16, 2007 6:17 PM EDT reply actions
tOSU is 7 and 0, Kansas is 6 and 0
tOSU has allowed 5 touchdown in 7 games.
Kansas allowed 7 touchdowns in 5 games.
by d tensor on Oct 16, 2007 6:28 PM EDT reply actions
Re: PeteJayhawk’s complaint:
How are bloggers any different than the MSM? We bash them for hidebound, old school thinking in the way they vote, but then when pressed for why OSU is better than Kansas, the best Orson can come up with is…“Well, they’re Ohio State.”
That seems to be the foundation of most of the questioning of USF that I’ve seen elsewhere as well, that just because they haven’t been around forever they can’t be any good. Or saying that a title game that matches BC-UK would suck, because…well, why? Just because it’s not one of the traditional powers? If that’s your take, then you’ve got very little reason to complain when ESPN shoves Yanks/Sawx down your throat, or when ND gets an invite to the BCS based entirely on reputation vs, you know, being good.
Relying on established brand at the expense of actual results is crazy. Embrace the madness, people!
by Beatuofa on Oct 16, 2007 6:29 PM EDT reply actions
37
No doubt, I watched UF-LSU at buffalo wild wings here and damn if all the garnet and gold clad patrons didn’t smell a lot like corndogs, at least for the night.
by PW on Oct 16, 2007 6:51 PM EDT reply actions
@ #9.
SFU Sterger looks similar to FSU Sterger, except for what appears to be a boob job.
The best part is in the article if you scroll your mouse over the USF picture it says “Jenn recently attended a game at the University of South Florida, and came away impressed with the school’s improving football program.”
That is the kind of thing I would expect to see, such as “Steve Spurrier recently attended….”, “Joe Paterno recently attended….”, etc, you know an authority figure on football.
Not about a person who just got their job because they take a nice picture and have a nice rack.
by bnb614 on Oct 16, 2007 7:30 PM EDT reply actions
Sterger article comments continued. Since that article linked to by #9 will be a year old on Thursday, this is a nice comment from the football authoritarian.
“As recently as last Friday, the Gators were “kings of the world” of Titanic magnitude, but Saturday their dreams of a run at the national championship were put on hold by a swarming Auburn defense. "
by bnb614 on Oct 16, 2007 7:33 PM EDT reply actions
Per Sagarin, OSU has played the #73 schedule this far….Kansas has played the #126…
73 is bad, 126 is embarassing. Not even one BCS conference OOC opponent.
by Pants McPants on Oct 16, 2007 9:56 PM EDT reply actions
41,
Its not arbitrary. There is a reason that the media, pollsters, fans etc. rank traditional powers ahead of traditional doormats when their respective resumes are similar.
Traditional powers are are usually good. Traditional doormats are usually bad.
by Poop on Oct 16, 2007 10:40 PM EDT reply actions
Boise State, eh? I think you may be writing off the bulldogs a little early. The broncos do have to play them at Fresno.
That’s assuming the season falls apart for Hawaii, which of course it cough won’t. >.<
Speaking of Fresno State, you should consider Pat Hill for Mustache Wednesday. That man has strained some soup in his day.
by Slap-Of-WAC on Oct 16, 2007 10:42 PM EDT reply actions
I know a team like Kansas is trying to “establish a winning environment”, but their OOC schedule is a big sack of shit. It is constructed in a manner to guarentee a 4-0 start. Make no mistake about that. Then, they luck into getting a KSU/Baylor combo when the conference schedule begins, which means, that if they can get by a decent KSU team…they are staring down the throat of the weakest, lamest, worthless, bullshit 6-0 start in the history of football.
Was it pure coinincidence that KU schedules 4 pop-warner OOC games the same year they miss OU, Texas, and Texas Tech? Hmmmm…..
I have no doubt that Kansas has some talent and can play. I just find it easy to completely void their entire season.
by Bry422 on Oct 17, 2007 10:51 AM EDT reply actions
I swear, Orson must be using the Euclid computer from Pi to write some of this stuff. Amazing.
by BC Eagle on Oct 19, 2007 10:04 AM EDT reply actions
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