DAVE LAPHAM NEEDS TO ENUNCIATE

That will be an actual crime soon.

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/live_from_congress_the_skull

“i’ll rip your eyes out of your head and piss in your dead skull!!!”

One of the things I miss most about being in Ohio is hearing Dave Lapham do the color for Bengals radio broadcasts. In fact, between Lapham doing Bengals games and Joe Nuxhall calling a fly ball to “left-right-center” in Reds games, I think Cincinnati had it better than anywhere.

One of my favorites from Full Metal Jacket:

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, Drill Instructor: “Private Pyle, I’m gonna give you three seconds, exactly three f*ckin’ seconds, to wipe that stupid lookin’ grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull f*ck you!”

(sorry, had to edit the choice words to avoid Big Brother’s filters, but you get the point)

Yep, Gunny Hartman, one of my favorite all-time movie characters. Coming up with great lines like “What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?” and “Hell, I like you. You can come over to my house and f*ck my sister.”

Which seems to fit with the previous topic about Viet Nam era movies.

His career is a testament to just misses: Lapham’s nickname when he played for the Bengals was “The Tool.” Not because he was a tool, but because he could play so many position.

Some commenters seem to think he said “raked”

Clearly they are both retarded and employees of FSN’s PR department

MOAR FACE RAPE.

1. oc phil

“and number three… a community oriented faith based programs to stop our children from skull f*cking beofre they get started”

L-O-WTF-L… i never knew Ocular Penetration was such a major political issue.

and “i’m not condoning [face] rape, obviously you should never rape anyone, ummm… unless you have a reason, like you wanna f*ck someone and they won’t let you, in which case what other option do you have?”- Louis CK

“One of the things I miss most about being in Ohio is hearing Dave Lapham do the color for Bengals radio broadcasts”

I’m not sure if we’re talking about the same guy but I’ve had the opportunity to hear the Bengals color guy a couple of times over the last few years and it an experience. My favorite is when the opposing team’s kicker lines up for a FG attempt and he repeatedly yells “hook it…hook it”.

1. - What Bengals’ fans suffered through when they were losing, Lapham and Brad Johanssen more than made up for in humor from the booth. I don’t know how they got away with it given the petulant and hateful owner, but they were merciless.

Situation: Bengals losing by 28, late in the fourth quarter. They kick a field goal to avoid the shut-out.

Johanssen: Hold everything, we’ve got a whole new ballgame

Lapham: Yeah, that totally changed the complexion of this game.

I face-raped Darren McFourtyyards the night before the game.

It was the only hole he hit the entire weekend.

#10—it’s great stuff. Johansen will start calling a play, and Lapham will cut him off, screaming “GET ’EM! GET ’EM!” at the top of his lungs.

Man, Lap and Brad are the greatest radio team in the NFL.

Nothing says love like hearing Lap say “PICK IT, PICK!” right before an interception.

Those two together have a totally warped sense of humor which is priceless when they’re doing games. They made the dark years bearable when you couldn’t hear the Bengals on TV, and when I was away in med school and couldn’t go to the bars to watch the games because I had to study (could always pick up the games online).

Dave and Brad can be pretty funny. I still like Lapham. I think that he is an idiot, but an idiot that loves football.

Aren’t we all?

I saw that live on Saturday. I definitely heard face-raping – even if that’s not what he actually said.