Everyday Should Be Saturday

October 15, 2007

NIGHT OF THE LONG HUSKS: BLOODLETTING AT NU

Nebraska AD Steve Pederson, he of the firing a 10-3 Frank Solich, tastes pink slip today. Put the expiry sticker on Bill Callahan, too–the specific reasons cited for Pederson’s firing all but guarantee real estate agents are in his future.

“We are, of course, disappointed about the progress in our football program,” Nebraska chancellor Harvey Perlman said in a news release. “Steve has done many positive things for Husker athletics during his tenure, but I think only new leadership can objectively assess the state of our program and make the decisions necessary to move us forward.”

Barring a miraculous, off-the-mat revival worthy of Valery the indestructible Russian from the Sopranos, Callahan’s gone.

We can’t say that nothing ever seemed right about the Callahan hire, mostly because it came at the same time that the back row cutups from the NFL seemed to be infesting the college ranks around ‘02-’03. Chan Gailey, Wannstedt, Callahan…all of them seemed to be fleeing the pros for cushier, easier jobs in college, while ADs leapt on the fad hoping little Pete Carroll clones would spring up in their places.

Callahan seemed an ill-fit from the start; alluring for that reason because his shifty, pass-first pro-style offense would presumably modernize the option game Nebraska had relied on for the better part of half-century, and repellent for that reason because of his cranky, alienating demeanor and perceived arrogance. A whiff of this discordant fit came when he referred to Oklahoma Sooner fans as “a bunch of fucking hillbillies;” making a throat slash gesture to an official during a game didn’t help, either.

For us, though, the Callahan experiment stands as an evident counterpoint to the snide comments made whenever a college coach flames out at the pro level. In particular, the September 17th, 2005 game between Callahan’s Huskers and Dave Wannstedt’s Pitt Panthers, a 7-6 Nebraska “victory” in a game rife with some of the worst play-calling, execution, and management ever foisted upon a horrified football public. Two coaches who had, over the course of their careers, had more money poured into their coffers than you’ll ever likely sniff, co-operatively grunted out the foulest smoking turd of a football game to ever disgrace the eyes of Brent Musburger.

Neither coach did what Pete Carroll openly admits he had to do in what he believed to be his last shot at coaching success: change. Both are now in deep danger of losing their jobs. Species that don’t change, disappear–this rule applies to NFL coaches heading to the college ranks as much as it applies to college coaches heading to the NFL. When Merrill Hoge sneers at the next college coach to fail in the “man’s league” that is the NFL, let that 7-6 nightmare and the reigns of Gailey/Callahan/Wannstedt stand as testimony that failure is a two-way street.

HOW FIRED ARE YOU?

How fired is your beleaguered coach? A good question to ask this time of year, especially if you’ve been going to work, doing a shitty job, and losing football games. The current round up of those lining up to meet the vocational grim reaper and their relative metaphorical equivalents follow.

Houston Nutt.

How fired is he? Explosively fired, man. Hmm…if he were an element, he’d be pure sodium. You know, the stuff your friend Todd decided to steal from the chem lab in high school? Because he read it was explosive and whatnot, right? And put it in his back pocket and sat down, removing a clean, sirloin-sized chunk of his buttocks? (Todd was cool like that. Kids with parents in jail typically are.)


Fired? Oh, I’ll make them all pay, I will! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA

Houston Nutt shouldn’t be near any open flame right now. If he were transported on trucks, they’d have to have a special sticker to cross state lines with him, and you’d swerve several lanes over to avoid getting to close to it. Tactical scrutiny has now gotten easier and more common than ever: against Auburn, Darren McFadden received a mere 17 carries without the excuse of being drastically behind, as the Tigers only scored nine points in four quarters. (Tuberville, up by a field goal, decided to protect the lead by running. This is not a joke. He did.)

Most damning is Nutt’s political situation: his protector and sponsor, Frank Broyles, is stepping down as AD after this year, leaving Nutt and an extremely, um…”participatory” fanbase to shake the torches at the gates until he goes, even if they don’t have a clue who’ll take the gig once Boss Hawg is gone. They’ve got planes and shit, man. You can’t fight that.

We just consider it a miracle they didn’t unfurl the banner and unleash the five hundred pounds of malathion they’ve got in the back on the crowd, or weed, or whatever else you know an Arkansas pilot hustles around in a Cessna to make ends meet.

He should go into… Restaurant management. (more…)

DAVE LAPHAM NEEDS TO ENUNCIATE

We’re pretty sure that Dave Lapham’s saying “face-raking,” and just not enunciating all that well. However, the part of our brain that craves monster-truck-sized tires on old four-wheel roller skates and a world where Charles Bronson really does go home, pluck out a pipe, and splash a gallon of cologne on himself before smoking alone happily really wants him to have said “face-rape.” That’s a much better description of what happened on this play and to Iowa State in general in a 56-3 loss to Texas on Saturday.

(HT: Ever cromulent Awful Announcing.)

WELCOME TO NUMBER ONE. DI DI MAO!

Scene: Vietnamese boathouse. Jim Tressel is being led into a room filled with men with guns. Reference: The Deer Hunter, for those not raised on watching scary Vietnam movies on Betamax.

From Mr2Cents, as usual.

Welcome. We’re the rest of college football. Jim Tressel, we play this game now. You sit here. South Florida, sit over there. Three. No less, no more. Spin the barrels. Welcome to hell. You’re number one? Nice. Spin the barrels anyway.

The preseason top ten? They were at this table, too. MAO! (Slap!) 16 losses between all of them. The consensus number one, USC? Lost to unranked Stanford. Spin the gun. Now! MAO! (Slap!) Favored by forty one points and they lost, sucker. You thought you stood a chance? LSU sat at this table, too, ’till they lost to Kentucky in three overtimes, stung by the first team that could pass effectively against six man blitzes. MAO! (Slap!)

Spin the barrels. MAO! Congrats. Number one gets to sit at the table. Quite a prize, no?

Louisville played the part of the Yugo: they started smoking early and often, losing to unranked teams until they spun wrong and ended up in the river. West Virginia couldn’t handle South Florida. (more…)

CURIOUS INDEX, 10/15/07

South Florida, 2nd in the BCS. The science fiction scenario of falling asleep for decades, awakening, and finding the world inhabited only by eyeless nuclear mutants has arrived: you are, whether you like it or not, staggering around the streets yelling “IS ANYONE OUT THERE?” at the fact that South Florida is the second-ranked team in the BCS.

Ohio State claims spot one, followed by South Florida at two, Boston College at three, LSU at four, and Oklahoma at five. Army’s 1947 squad is number six, the nation of Bolivia is at seven; acclaimed chef Eric Ripert and his kitchen staff are at eight, and finally, the nine spot is occupied by a sweet 2005 Dodge Ram dualie and chrome pipes with the Idaho plates 323 AAJE. The truck’s owner, Steve Redding of Boise, Idaho: “What the fuck is my truck doing in the BCS standings?”

Nebraska wants blood atonement, or at least yon internet tells us so. The fact that coach Bill Callahan and Steve Pederson may not have jobs after this year is yeah-duh-obvious; what’s pending is the celerity of their departures. Much traffic and scuttlebutt ensued this weekend re: CallaPederson’s impending demolition, with different permutations of the rumor involving a purge of the defensive crew, Callahan’s departure, Pederson’s departure, or variations thereof.

We like our WAC defenses like we like our gay men: FLAMING. Sunday night college football still feels like we’re watching a local sports network replay, but nevermind–the desperate take all the football they can get, and we watched Boise State and Nevada troll up 1266 yards of total offense in a triple quadruple overtime win for Boise, 69-67.

An appropriate punishment for both defenses would be a divine smiting, which is basically what happened to them anyway. The first three plays of overtime all went for first snap tds; Nevada broke the string by merely gaining yards on the fourth snap, but redeemed themselves by scoring on the next play.

The point total is the highest for a single game since the NCAA began keeping records in 1937.

Fire Coach Fran. Hire us. We’re serial, yo: Aggie powers-that-be, hire us to call your plays for the rest of the season. We’ll do it for a tenth of what you would pay Dennis Franchione, and we’d be fun! Jorvorskie Lane on outside runs! Steven McGee throwing 60 times a game! Punting on second down! It can’t be more absurd than the game Franchione called against Texas Tech, which the 12th Manchild sums up in one brilliant graphic.

Oh, and did we mention we’d have smoothie day every Wednesday? Smoothies, motherfuckers!

Speaking of motherfuckers…

Boom, motherfuckers! Ahm Auburn DC Will Muschamp, and ahm in your television, cussin’ ur earz.

(HT: Sports By Brooks.)


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