Hello, all. I’d like to thank Orson for giving me the chance to address all of you on an important topic today: our upcoming game against Fredo. I mean, Boston College. It’s so hard to stop saying that! Because we’re the Godfather, and don’t you forget it. GO IRISH!

To begin, let me say that I cannot agree more with my compatriots and fellow Golden Domers in urging our fellow students to not storm the field when–and I did just say that–when we beat Boston College tomorrow. In fact, I couldn’t agree more unless I disagreed with the idea that there was even a game tomorrow. That’s just how little we should pay attention to Boston College. So there, I’m saying it: there’s not even a game tomorrow. We shouldn’t even field a team, so obviously superior are we to the number 4 ranked team in the nation.

You see, they’re not even another football team, really. In fact, going to the game would be an acknowledgment that they even existed. We shouldn’t even watch the game tomorrow, or check a score, or even think about enjoying it win or lose.

Our game against whom, you ask? Good question. I forgot what I was talking about completely! If you’d like to use the Notre Dame football field tomorrow, intramural squads, go ahead. The field will be completely open, because no one will be there.

In fact, I don’t think we have a game until Navy, and then USC after it. So tomorrow, whew, do I have some free time on my hands as a Notre Dame football fan! I was thinking of doing a little lawn bowling if anyone would care to join me. I’m pretty competitive when I get going, so you are warned–I’m Tom Zbikowski fierce when I get going!

There’s Evan Almighty at the dollar theater, too. That Steve Carell’s a hoot! I think I’ll bring some candy into the theater with me, too–probably Twizzlers. I’ll bite the end off, and stick it in the drink like a straw while I watch Morgan Freeman play God. Then I’ll eat it. It’ll be all hard from the cold, but I’m tough. I’ll chew through it like a champion would.

Or perhaps I’ll watch some other football, even. Sure, the teams won’t be the Irish, with our 11 consensus national titles and seven Heisman Trophy winners. But I could watch Alabama! Oh, they’re so cute when they paw after the ball and have to rely on colors to name their plays. It’s like they can’t even read! That Nick Saban and his huge salary are just indicative of the rampant, feckless bowing to Mammon some college football teams are all about these days.

A weekend without football will be hard, but it’ll be worth it, Irish fans. Go Irish! Beat Navy!

Sincerely,

Tommy Kilborn
Guest Columnist, EDSBS
GO IRISH!!!