Who says we never do anything for the ladies? Cheesecake’s on the way, but in the meantime, enjoy the only respectable beefcake a man can dole out to women: Charles Bronson in full lover mode in a Japanese ad for a cologne called, appropriately enough…Mandom.

A few observations:

One: Charles is doing what all cosmopolites do in their free time: leaning on a piano spouting bullshit lines without the need for obvious companionship. Because like all men, all he needs to be happy is a meandering piano tune, some cologne, and the sweet oblivion of the night.

Two: for a second, Chuck appears to be deciding whether to say goodnight to the blissed-out doorman or to shoot him with the revolver you know he has in his shoulder holster. In fact, we’re guessing the reason he tears ass out of the club in his huge Caddy is that he’s just had the same dilemma when bidding adieu to the piano player. Chuck totally shot him for being a punk and playing some mincing little Cole Porter number.

Three: Chuck does what we all do when we get home: pick out a pipe from the rack, take only our shirt off, and prance around while splashing a good three gallons of cologne on ourselves. It’s a veritable cologneakakke. The cologne also burns, but he’s Chuck Bronson. It merely tickles his calloused hide.

Four: Jesus, he’s ripped. Bronson, according to his bio, mined coal at the age of 11. Well, if the soul-crushing misery of coal-country penury can’t give you much, it can make you the buffest 50 year old ever to walk the planet. The gunshot noises and whinnying horse noises you hear? Those aren’t added in by a Foley artist. That’s actually what sounded each time Charles Bronson put on cologne. When we do the same, you can hear the noise of fey men slapping each other with white gloves and the sound of a guinea pig whooping in the background.