Oh, what better time to be facing a team with the potential to beat you by 70: Texas A&M will be going into their matchup against Texas Tech with self-reported violations chasing them after a press conference today regarding the exclusive newsletter sold by Dennis Franchione to a select group of boosters for $1,200 a year.

Aggie officials ordered the shutdown of CoachFran.com and “admonished” Coach Fran this morning in the press conference. In case you’re reaching for the thesaurus right now, never mind. Just put on a straw hat, a fake handlebar mustache, and waggle your finger firmly at yourself in the mirror while calling your reflection “a scandalous rapscallion scamp of a tramp’s son!” That’s admonishment, and one can only hope the meeting between Franchione and officials took place in exactly this manner.

The emails are now out, and in scoping through them the Harold Hill shenanigans of Franchione’s weekly game preps are detailed lovingly by the actual author of the emails, Mike McKenzie, Franchione’s longtime assistant and one of the guys who helped get Mike Price $22 million dollars from Sports Illustrated. Our favorite thus far involves a group of Rangers staging a mock abduction in the middle of a team meeting.

…two of the Rangers burst into the room portraying terrorists bearing (wooden fake) weapons. They “captured” Scott in front of the group and tied him up and blindfolded him, while the others held the players hostage. They were loud and chaotic and maniacal. Everyone was mesmerized.

Then suddenly, eight other Rangers in full field dress, as the good guys, sprang into the room’s three entrances and overpowered the terrorists, freed Scott, and secured the room. Their exercise started with a bang–a fake gas bomb (a balloon they exploded) that certainly got everyone’s attention.

Coach Fran loves commandos! He promised he’d kill you last…BUT HE LIED.

It’s Medieval Times every day with Dennis Franchione! Live performances! Stunning surprises! Pat Benatar playing in the back room! With showstopping skills like this, Franchione’s success as a future mogul in Branson, Missouri is guaranteed.

Seriously: he’s fried? Toast? Done, right? May we assume the Tuberville, Gruden, and other rumors may begin in earnest? And that with Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, and Missouri still on the schedule, the only commando raids happening in the Aggie locker room will be from hired guns doing boosters’ bidding and doing a little extraordinary rendition on Fran? He could be in a Syrian prison by November at this rate. EXCELSIOR!!!