At some junction in the season, rank arbitrary judgment must peek its snout into the rankings and coexist with the scanty evidence of a half-season’s evidence. Nowhere is this more evident than in our poll this week, which we divide into:

The VIP. A velvet rope stretches across the poll around the seven or eight spot, depending on the week. Inside? A group of stone ballaz grippin’ and sippin’ only the finest promethazine and watching round mango rump maneuver in only the iciest of fashion. This is Prada, bitch. Don’t spill the Dom on it. Think Kanye West around right now: bloated, rolling in cash, and either poised to reign or fixing to plummet into a pit of self-indulgence.

9-19 :The madding crowd. People who either were in the VIP and lost their juice, or mad angry toughsters on the way in and gunning. The most unstable of the lot, they’re liable to get skunked in a bad street deal one week and then run savage game the next three matchups in a row. Darwinian competition and sheer ambiguity down here.

20-25: Just happy to be there, ceremonial invites. The odd paparazzi photo you see of Tony Robbins hanging out with 50 Cent, or perhaps old Studio 54 pics where Anwar Sadat is seen dancing with Bianca Jagger? That’s who these people are, the odd fits making an appearance either on the way to the madding crowd level or diving out to the nether-regions of middling college football. You’re name’s not on the list…but my, you’re flashing enough leg to get the bouncer’s attention. Come on in for a bit, mama.

Apologies, half-justifications, and capricious judgments admitted below.

Rank Team Delta
1 LSU —
2 Ohio State 2
3 California —
4 Oklahoma 6
5 Boston College 1
6 South Carolina 7
7 Missouri 9
8 South Florida —
9 Oregon 4
10 West Virginia 2
11 Southern Cal 9
12 Arizona State 8
13 Florida 2
14 Texas 3
15 Cincinnati —
16 Kentucky 7
17 Illinois 9
18 Kansas 6
19 Florida State 7
20 Auburn 6
21 Wisconsin 14
22 Hawaii 3
23 Virginia Tech 3
24 Tennessee 2
25 Stanford 1

Dropped Out: Georgia (#14), Rutgers (#18), Purdue (#21), Clemson (#22), Virginia (#23), Kansas State (#25).

LSU is number one. Honestly, we feel honored to have been at that game Saturday night. Pat Forde called it the matchup of the year thus far, and we cannot disagree with the Sapient Forehead on this count. Both teams played heroic football.

Ohio State over Cal. Cal can’t compete defensively with Ohio State. Ohio State can’t compete offensively with Cal. Cal’s played a tougher schedule thus far, but their defense will cost them a game prior to bowl season in point-giddy PAC-10 play. Ohio State enjoys the privilege of being in the Bobby Bowden 1996 seat as the only balanced team in an uneven conference. They’re the slightly–oh, just ever that much more so–better team at the moment.

One loss Oklahoma over BC. Another value call. No apologies. Oklahoma’s a machine that threw a piston at high altitude in a freaky situation in Boulder. Boston College is riding Matt Ryan until his arm misfires–which, not being Vince Young and therefore being human, it will once.

Exeunt USC. Their spot’s a bit arbitrary and unnecessarily punitive. But shit, you just lost your starting qb in effect and coughed up a win to Stanford. Like an orchid, we have no idea where to put you in our taxonomy: in the flowering dicots? In with the asparagus family? A very lazy form of leafy mammal? WHAT ARE YOU USC? SCIENCE DEMANDS ANSWERS!

Florida and Texas: In knots over both teams. Both could be out of the poll in two weeks, or back in the fringes of the VIP. Science again throws up its hands, since both lost close rivalry games. Florida’s lost their two games by a combined 7 points, though, while Texas got blown out by K-State and seems more discombobulated than simply “inexperienced.”

Dropped: all of those, really? Yes, really. Georgia’s a mongrel mess. Virginia Tech remains one of the most treacherous poll picks in the nation, and Clemson’s preparing to stage their annual “Passion of the Tommy” play to resurrect his chances of keeping his job. Rutgers’ worst fears about Mike Teel have come true. Kansas State is as maddeningly inconsistent.

The 15 Minutes Of Fame Spot at 25 goes to: Stanford. The 25 spot is for funzies, and Stanford is certainly owed some ludic tribute for their defeat of USC.

WAAA WAAAA WAAA BUT HOW COULD YOU???? Yes, you’re right. The rest is a total disaster, as usual. So is your poll. We’re faithfully building our Sim City of a poll like the rest of you, but we left the “disasters” option in the menu on for 2007. We promise to turn that off next year so we can build some of those superb arcologies we’ve been hearing about.


Dammit, it just blew up the SEC! AGAIN! We’ve got to turn that off next time.