OLD GUYS COMPARED HAPHAZARDLY: BOWDEN, PATERNO.
by Orson on Oct 9, 2007 11:24 AM EDT
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Penn State, 2007. The only thing Joe Paterno and Bobby Bowden have in common are spongy, swollen, semi-functional prostates and breath. Oh, and they're both still breathing and coaching football, leading to historical comparisons of dubious value and even more dubious entertainment value. When interviewed together (they're usually yoked together a few times a year) the two share zero chemistry: Bowden pals around gamely while Paterno stares into the corner, thinking about brains, a particularly stirring passage from Cicero he read the night before, and occasionally muttering something about how coaching at his age is better than the alternative (i.e., being dead.)
Yet if coming into the season you'd asked who had a better handle on their massive, allegedly disordered empires, the clear answer would have been Paterno: maturing cannoneer of a qb, promising burly defense, Penn State brand linebacker of ferocious talent and malicious intent in Dan Connor, and Big Ten in the midst of a veritable Time of Troubles. Compared to Bowden, whose team lost to Wake Forest, the Nittany Lions looked like stable currency on the rise.
However, this is 2007, and the burrito you bought is not filled with beans and rice, but worms and confetti--meaning you were wrong, wrong, wrong.
It's not so much that Florida State has done anything shockingly competent: a workmanlike, unspectacular 4-1 at this point, enough to put them firmly in the ACC title hunt. It's how shambolic Penn State has looked against Illinois and Michigan, and how little Morelli has progressed as a quarterback in their slimmed-down Indianapolis Colts for Dummies offense.
(Oh, and there's that whole discipline thing, too--again, if we covered up these two great football tastes and asked you which one would reek of bad qb play and alleged rape charges...you'd be shocked to find out it's Penn State and not Florida State, right? Take off that blindfold and be amazed, cynic. Oh, and Syracuse beat Louisville, too. If you just want to go to sleep and wake up in ten months, we'll help you by beating you into a coma with this hammer right now. Night night! WHAM!)
The stats do lie: Morelli may have 10 tds to 6 Ints on the year, better than '06's production to this point (6/5), but Morelli's thrown for just 2 scores while tossing 5 picks in the last three games against Michigan, Illinois, and Iowa. If he's that spotty against the next three opponents--Wisconsin, at Indiana, and Ohio State--Penn State's officially zombiefied for the remainder of the season. And following Swindle's Rule number 2, people never change, and they never stop making the same mistakes. Morelli's inefficiency will drag the Penn State offense into the somnambulence of a 6-6 season. The rest is much moaning and lurching around the yard for...yes...BRAINS.
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Anyone ever thrown out the theory that JoePa has already feasted on Morelli’s gooey head fruit?
by NoleinTexas on Oct 9, 2007 11:28 AM EDT reply actions
PennState is almost unstoppable at home, but downright atrocious on the road. The D steps up at home, and plays too conservative on the road. The O looks shaky at home, but a bit more liberal in their play calling. On the road, it’s a tough game to watch. Ever take the train home around the holidays and not get a seat and have to stand in in the aisle and it’s 90 and you’re sweaty from running to make the train and then it gets delayed? That’s what watching a PSU road game is like.
by PSUrob on Oct 9, 2007 11:34 AM EDT reply actions
Just wait a few more hours. It’s going to get even more rediculous up here.
by psu4evr on Oct 9, 2007 11:36 AM EDT reply actions
A post about JoePa and no mention of running grad students off the road and reducing them to tears?!?
by Bubba on Oct 9, 2007 11:41 AM EDT reply actions
Re: 1
“Gooey head fruit”
Yes, well, that is, in point of fact, what she said.
by George on Oct 9, 2007 11:49 AM EDT reply actions
#1: I’m amazed I’ve never heard it posited before. It is, however, too perfect to be true.
by Oops Pow Surprise on Oct 9, 2007 11:49 AM EDT reply actions
while quickly scrolling down i thought that fruity ass glittery thing above the comments said “saban” instead of “sarah.” thought maybe i had stumbled upon the overlord’s myspace page.
by gerry dorsey on Oct 9, 2007 11:56 AM EDT reply actions
Maybe it’s time for JoePa to travel to BR for another meeting of the mids with Les. What say ye, O?
by Out of Conference on Oct 9, 2007 12:07 PM EDT reply actions
I know a guy that fucked Paterno in the ass. This was years ago before butt sex between men was cool.
by ralphio on Oct 9, 2007 12:12 PM EDT reply actions
In their old age, the only thing that can help these guys is assistant coaching.
IMO – Jimbo Fisher/Chuck Amato/Mickey Andrews > Tom Bradley/Galen Hall.
Oh..and that whole being able to recruit Florida thing, that always helps.
by Eric on Oct 9, 2007 12:34 PM EDT reply actions
#10: Well, that explains the hard time he has keeping the ole’ brown eye closed for the duration of a game.
by clever moniker on Oct 9, 2007 12:35 PM EDT reply actions
Morelli: Coach, I’d love to read a cover 2, but you had my logic center for brunch.
by NoleinTexas on Oct 9, 2007 12:37 PM EDT reply actions
Paterno is far more cognizant than Bowden, Bobby looks absolutely lost on the sidelines at all times.
Despite completely pathetic and inept coaching on the offense by Jay Paterno/Galen Hall, Penn State would still be undefeated if not for crippling turnovers, many in the red zone.
by Nick on Oct 9, 2007 12:58 PM EDT reply actions
Anthony Morrelli is the white fraternal twin of Reggie Ball.
by spartymike on Oct 9, 2007 1:01 PM EDT reply actions
On another note, I bet you would have been wrong,wrong, wrong if I had asked you who would have a better record after 6 games. Urban Meyer or [NAME REDACTED]. That’s gotta hurt……
by The Last Dragon on Oct 9, 2007 1:12 PM EDT reply actions
Not really. The Big Ten’s down, he’s a decent coach, and we’re still taking pacifiers out of people’s mouths.
by Orson Swindle on Oct 9, 2007 1:19 PM EDT reply actions
Yes, Swindle Rule #1 has me curious.
#2, as cynical and jaded as it appears, is dead on in all facets of life, but none more so than in college football. I am looking at you, Tommy, for the 7th consecutive season.
If you’ll excuse me, I am off to check out Paul Johnson’s, did I just type that, resume since RR’s buyout will probably cost eleventy billion dollars, and I doubt he is interested in returning to Tiger Town with his lifetime contract at WVa.
Also, RR’s wife’s hair scares me. It is like something out of an all-star clogging contest at Dollywood.
shudders
by Coop on Oct 9, 2007 1:37 PM EDT reply actions
#4, if an 80 year-old man thinks you’re driving too slow, you had it coming.
by Herb on Oct 9, 2007 2:24 PM EDT reply actions
- . . . I concur. Where the hell did that come from?
by Chuck D on Oct 9, 2007 4:01 PM EDT reply actions
mp – I thought that was blasphemy as well.
by The Last Dragon on Oct 9, 2007 4:11 PM EDT reply actions
- New t-shirt going around Annapolis says “Hands off our Johnson.”
by The 17th Goat on Oct 9, 2007 4:15 PM EDT reply actions
Paterno is far more cognizant than Bowden, Bobby looks absolutely lost on the sidelines at all times.
- Nick — go back and read 11 and your second paragraph. JoePa may know the score of the game, but having competent assistants goes a much longer way. And as an FSU fan, it’s a real joy to be able to say that again.
by The Big Dog on Oct 9, 2007 7:11 PM EDT reply actions
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