ONE HUNDRED SCOTCHES, STRAIGHT UP: NIGHT GAMES LIVEBLOG

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8:00 PM Holly: This is what happens when you drink and Photoshop on the eve of a must-win game, campers. Let it be a warning lesson, but it does have a point: The SEC is Tiger and Gator country, and like it or not, for the most part the rest of the teams are flitting about them like so many pesky military helicopters. Tonight, we separate the chainsaw-endowed werewolves from the giant mutant lizards. (NB: The gorilla on the sidewalk was originally cast as Coach O, but the sinister elephant head was too perfect to pass up. And, really, who's to say that's not The Orgeron's true form?)

Let's dance.

8:08 PM Barstoolio: I've said this before on the radio, but it bears repeating on this occasion: nothing would have me put out faster than to hear "I bring you Jim Tressel's nipples in a Target bag." What!

8:11 PM Holly: What's this? A nightcap of Domer despair! Dear Harrison Smith: Before kickoff, just want to let you know--you can still come home. We love you, and by the time you get on a standby flight we'll surely lose another defender to injury or meth. Fly safe! XOXO, Knoxville.

8:17 PM Holly: How ADORABLE: a UCLA defender knocks Clausen into the air like a straw puppet, and another one basically takes him in his arms and tenderly slams him to the sideline. Mind the spikes, Bruins!

8:19 PM Barstoolio: I wonder if the abandoned husk of Notre Dame football can be bronzed. Like baby shoes!

8:23 PM J-Money: Someone call vaudeville...Gary Danielson has run away again. He looks exactly like a ventriloquist dummy. And by that, I mean he looks like he'd be OK with another man's hand up his back. I'm not even kidding...totally wooden. I'm pretty sure his morning routine involves Pledge.

8:25 PM Holly: And away we go. Florida-LSU, kicking off...now. Team meteor!

8:32 PM J-Money: The team introductions are brought to us by Applebees. Great, now I'll think about Tim Tebow the next time I eat a basket of riblets. And I'll think about riblets the next... oh.

8:37 PM Holly: This game is sponsored in part by the DVD Release of Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. Oh, really?

8:38 PM J-Money: "Fantastic 4" should be how they refer to any remaining Notre Dame fans.

8:40 PM J-Money: Sonic scares the shit out of me. I'm pretty sure their recipes are all written using the "I double dog dare you" technique.

8:47 PM Holly: TIMBER! Down goes Tebow. On the field.

8:47 PM J-Money: Holy shit! Not only did Tyson Jackson take Timmaaaay's face off, he also has the names of two disgraced former icons!

8:48 PM Barstoolio: Every time I hear "Glenn Dorsey" my mind starts to hear "Ken Dorsey." It's a particularly harsh form of torture.

8:48 PM J-Money: Zenon? Isn't that also on the periodic table?

8:49 PM Holly: And every time I hear HIS name, I flash to Zebo, the evil clown on Nickelodeon's Are You Afraid Of The Dark.

8:52 PM J-Money: Is "the charges were dropped" some kind of code for "the parking lot owner was just given a pair of diamond pants"?

8:53 PM Holly: *stifles related Perriloux joke*

8:56 PM J-Money: I hope to God we've just heard the one and only use of the phrase "he kind of squirts forward".

9:02 PM Holly: I...um...a square dance just broke out midfield. I'm joking, but only because it would make more sense than whatever the FUCK kind of formation that was supposed to be.

9:03 PM Holly: CBS Interns + EDSBS 4EVA! This just popped up during a sideline report. Everything's coming up Swindle, boys and girls.

9:10 PM Holly: Where's your god now, LSU? Florida's is on the 2 and driving.....yup. Touchdown Tebow, in not-unimpressive fashion.

9:19 PM J-Money: It bothers me when one of the defenders lines up directly in the Tiger's pupil.

9:20 PM Holly: On an unrelated note, unless you're a CBS copy editor: The headline "In Trouble Again: Police Site Perriloux" just flashed on the screen. Look for it to reappear in the spring as a hit hourlong drama about a riverboat gambling ring.

9:24 PM J-Money: You're right. Anybody can beat anyone now. Except Notre Dame. At this point, I'm not even sure they could beat off. HEY OOOOOH!

9:28 PM J-Money: Nice pass, Perrillioux. Two more like that, and you'll win yourself a stuffed SpongeBob.

9:29 PM Holly: I was supposed to be at the UCLA-Notre Dame game tonight, and I am overjoyed to be snickering at it from a safe distance instead. Bruins, you may not respect yourselves or your conference enough to show up for primetime, but you have to respect natural law: Notre Dame is wretched and must not prevail. World without end, amen.

9:30 PM J-Money: OK, I just got to see a horrid local commercial about finding a needle in a haystack. Know who looks for needles in a haystack? Junkies.

9:31 PM Barstoolio: 7-10 UF. I like that Florida's in this game, but should LSU and USC eat it, that leaves a door open for Ohio State. And I'd rather meet Mangino in a dark alley with a bottle of baby oil than see that happen.

9:39 PM J-Money: I want to know how many of the Gators wear Crocs.

9:40 PM Holly: I don't care much one way or the other for Miles...but to see him defending that Highsmith hit? Gross.

9:42 PM J-Money: Also gross? Seeing his teeth in HD. Like a candy corn sandwich.

9:44 PM Holly: I flip over to ABC for a second and see such a clamoring UCLA celebration that I figure the game must be over--but no, they've kicked a field goal. To put them ahead 6-3. Excelsior!

9:46 PM Barstoolio: Ouch. Curtis Taylor just hit Percy Harvin like he was full of candy.

9:47 PM Holly: I will give Tebow this: He's got the makings of a cham-peen hula hooper. Swivel those hips, cupcake....NO. SLOWLY.

9:48 PM J-Money: When Tebow sees man-to-man coverage, he thinks "scramble". When Brady Quinn sees it, he thinks "snuggle".

9:57 PM J-Money: I look forward to the day when Colt David's parents tell him that he was actually named for the malt liquor. And when they ask that he not tell his brother Mad Dog.

9:59 PM J-Money: Is there ever a time when it's not important to get points? I'm never sorrier to be a woman than I am when I see sideline reporters like her. Or when I see Bea Arthur.

10:01 PM Holly: Pssst....Trojans! Trooooojans...wake up, honey, it's time to go to school. Yes! You're on the teevee! I know, it IS exciting! You think maybe it's time to play some foot-ball now? Won't that be fun? Let's find out! *twitch*

10:14 PM Holly: I know the answer, but I'd like to think I'm not the only one who sat through that "Go Gators" commercial waiting for an actual alligator to explode out of that reflecting pool and maul someone.

10:32 PM Holly: LSU fakes a field goal and skitters for a first down. And like the last time they ran this play, the casual viewer is left with the unshakable sense that Les Miles called this play entirely by accident.

10:33 PM J-Money: I like how all of the highlights involving LSU kicker Colt David show him doing things other than kicking the ball.

10:35 PM J-Money: Go away Sonic! I want a followup commercial where those two guys are so distracted by their Chili Fritos Steak Muffins that they pull out of the parking lot and directly into the path of an oncoming locomotive.

10:38 PM Holly: I have just been informed that USC is about to fall to Stanford, 24-23, after committing 5 turnovers in the second half. I don't even have the strength to make a Lorax joke at the thought of this, but: Buckle your seatbelts, ducklings. Once EVERYONE loses, this whole carousel resets.

10:40 PM J-Money: That missed field goal is pretty important now, Colt. Don't be surprised when you find you've been replaced by the leg lamp from A Christmas Story.

10: 41 PM Holly: Tim Tebow's idea of trash talk is "PAPER TIGERS!" There's no joke here. Just slipping that in the zeitgeist.

10:41 PM J-money: It's like something out of Highlights. Gallant is always respectful to his opponent. Goofus calls them paper tigers.

10:42 PM Holly: I just saw...I don't even know what I just saw in the LSU stands. I'm really sorry I invoked the Lorax. If you saw it, you know what I'm talking about.

10:53 PM J-Money: She means this:
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10:56 PM Holly: Hey y'all, the server's getting a little slow. We assume this is caused by the retrograde spinning of Earth on its axis caused by the actions of USC and UCLA, but in case things grind to a complete halt, thanks for a lovely Saturday.

11:06 PM Barstoolio: It's like Patrick Nix is coaching the server!

11:07 PM Holly: For real. Clearly, site not hosted within speedy confines of SEC.

11:12 PM J-Money: Colt David is worthless. He's what Adam Sandler used to sing about.
Holly: Turkey?
J-Money: No, the lonesome kicker. The song about the special shoe and someone slamming his face into a hibachi. But Turkey works too.

11:24 PM Holly: Les Miles is using his last timeout to challenge a play that had already been reviewed. Thanks, Les! There's nothing left for me to add. it is pret-a-porter. You're a giver.

11:25 PM Barstoolio: Somewhere, Hayley LaFontaine smiles widely.

11:26 PM Holly: .....there is no order. Nothing is certain. What a goddamn day.

11:28 PM Barstoolio: I'm not sure I'm tall enough to ride this day.

11:30 PM Holly: Charlie Weis beating Karl Dorrell Should Not Count. It's the CFB equivalent of giving a first grader a gold star for showing up to class with both shoes on the right feet.

11:33 PM J-Money: LSU trails Florida by Colt David should be eaten by scorpions. Three. I mean three.

11:36 PM J-Money: Holliday was jammed so hard he is now Holliday (Observed).
Holly: *rimshot*
J-Money: I'm getting punchy. I know. I need Paul Shaffer here in my living room just encouraging me.
Holly: That was TERRIB(ly awesome).
J-Money: I know. I'm actually embarrassed it was so bad. Like finding an old notebook that says "I heart Scott Grimes".

11:43 PM J-Money: Not only did LSU get a first down, they also kept Colt David off the field where, much like the potato famine, he can only cause sorrow and heartbreak.

11:44 PM J-Money: I like how the pronunciation of Perrilloux is now "Parallel".
Holly: It's degenerative. By OT it'll be "Parasol."
J-Money: Then "Paraffin".

11:43 PM Holly: In between snipings, it bears pointing out that HOLY HELL this could get real dramatic real fast.

11:51 PM J-Money: There's a horrible Hester-Flynn joke in there somewhere. That's where I am. Nathaniel Hawthorne references.

11:53 PM Holly: ABC's reporting that John David Booty broke the middle finger on his throwing hand in the first half. That whole clusterfuck is now infused with a tiny modicum of sense, but still... qu'est-ce que the hell c'est??

11:57 PM Holly: They finally cut in close to the faces of the Florida players on the bench, so I can tell that those are eye black strips with gator heads on them and not scarab beetles clinging to their cheekbones. While I'm grateful for the clarification, it was kinda cooler before.

11:59 PM J-Money: Five seconds until Colt David can go the rest of the week without worrying he's going to wake up to find a severed leg in his bed...Success!

12:00 AM Holly: Well, girls?
J-Money: I don't know if I'm flushed from excitement or from having my computer on my lap for 4 hours. Either way, it was a hell of a night.
Barstoolio: *throws up drunken shaky "U"*

LSU 28, Florida 24. Nebraska's losing to Mizzou over on the WWL, but that'll do it for us tonight. Quoth the Verne: "We'll try to top this next week", but I can't see how. Thanks to Swindle for the keys to the castle, and to all y'all motherfuckers for keeping it lively and making us feel like the prettiest girls at the fair realest bitches alive. Sweet dreams, e'ybody.

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